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3:27 AM
0
Q: Friend of my daughter in law

DeniseMy daughter in law has a friend that wants to come for Easter Sunday dinner. Most of the family really doesn't want to be around her. She monopolized the conversation. I dont want to be rude and hurt her feelings and also I don't want the family to feel awkward.

 
 
2 hours later…
5:29 AM
15 messages moved to Trash
Hi everyone!
Has anyone inspected that answer with a potential bad keyword in it?
 
A J
6:14 AM
@avazula good morning!
@avazula The potential bad keyword is "alpha male". This is a phrase used by spammers.
 
can't speak to the merits of the answer, but its not spam. The keyword is usually used in supplement / medical spam, so the filter is fine. I've left fp- feedback on it
 
Okay so we agree then
@Mag where did you leave the feedback? I thought we could do directly in TAS but apparently no?
 
ava, you planning to run in the mod election?
@avazula TAS is post only, i've left it on metasmoke. Iirc
 
A J
@avazula You can do it in Charcoal HQ as well.
But you will need privileges for this.
 
also 2400 open reviews on MS
 
6:22 AM
@Magisch I haven't said anything since the nomination isn't opened yet but yes I am :)
@AJ what kind of privileges? Mod privilegeS?
@Magisch so you'd need to create an account on metasmoke to access the review tools?
 
@avazula Thats nice, i'll vote for you :D
 
@Magisch blushes aaw :)
 
A J
@avazula This one
I can't have my say in it. :P
 
Well, the account on metasmoke lets you access the review queue and give feedback directly. But you can feed back with just privileges in CHQ
 
A J
@avazula You won't run?
 
6:25 AM
@avazula If you read the feedback guidelines and make a MS account and then ask, I'm sure an admin will give them to you when they're available to read the request
 
I'll ask for the privileges then. I see that I can be referred as well, maybe you or @AJ could support my request :p
@AJ Mmh? for mod election?
 
i'll support it
 
@Magisch that's nice of you, thanks. I'm checking how I can do so
 
A J
@avazula there you go. you have support from two Charcoal regulars.
 
6:31 AM
@AJ yay! Thanks
 
7:10 AM
+1
 
7:56 AM
feels blessed
Sorry guys my laptop crashed
 
8:12 AM
I'm now a Charcoal reviewer! :happy:
 
Enjoy :) I did it for a while, it's fun but a huge time-sink XD
 
@Tinkeringbell I believe you o_o :p
 
powercreeping parrot has since moved on to other work :p
 
@Magisch :)
I think I stopped being really active with Charcoal before becoming a mod, just because I felt I couldn't keep up anyways.
 
or you're on your way to world domination
next thing we know the next chinese year will be the year of the parrot
 
8:23 AM
We can make this year parrot year? Today is my moddiversary :)
(AJ's too :) )
 
throwing confetti
 
A J
@Tinkeringbell Yay!
@Magisch takes confetti out of hairs
 
party!
 
A J
pops a candy balloon ;)
 
@AJ candy balloons sounds interesting :D
I'll throw in a game of spijkerpoepen :P
 
A J
8:32 AM
@Tinkeringbell Don't you dare use Dutch on me! :P
Anyway, what's that?
 
@AJ It's a very (lame) fun game, where people tie a rope with a nail around their waist, then have to squat over a bottle and somehow manage to wiggle the nail into the bottle :P
 
A J
yeah, it sounds pretty lame.
 
A J
:P
 
It's pretty fun to watch and do though, especially after a few beers ;)
I mean, you have to get empty bottles somewhere :P
 
A J
8:34 AM
I am glad you explained. At first, it looked like that someone has to pick the bottle with something else. ;P
 
 
1 hour later…
9:57 AM
hi, why do my comments keep getting deleted, when I thought it was site policy to explain downvotes?
 
@Pyritie hi ! actually it's not,
Comments are used only to either ask for clarifications or suggest improvements. Everything else will eventually get deleted @Pyritie
10 messages moved to Trash
now I know some SE sites have looser policies than others regarding this but on IPS all "+/- 1" comments are removed
 
@avazula and "this doesn't answer the question" doesn't count for that?
 
@Pyritie this has two issues. 1- frame challenges are okay on IPS granted they explain why the answerer thinks it's impossible for OP to achieve their goal and 2- even if it's a bad frame-challenge, this comment doesn't explain why the answer is bad. "Suggest improvements" implies explanation on what you think could be improved
so no, such comment is not well suited in here
but you can suggest the answerer some edit instead, if you think something is missing or incorrect :)
 
@avazula hum ok
 
welcome in chat BTW, it's the first time I see you in here I think :)
 
10:22 AM
Anyone available to try to improve this question? The number of bad frame-challenge under it makes me think like an edit is terribly needed
Maybe some of the background need to go?
 
10:47 AM
@Ælis I think it's worth a meta post?
I'm on it :)
 
10:59 AM
0
Q: When a question mostly brings frame-challenging answers, should we try to edit it?

avazulaThis question was inspired from a conversation in IPS' main chat. Regarding the following question: How to ask ex-girlfriend to seek professional help It was pointed out that most answers challenge the OP's author intent to convince their ex to seek professional help, saying that it's not to t...

 
@avazula I left a comment, thanks for making the meta post :)
 
You're welcome :)
I edited my question to ask for support on both situations
 
The neurodiversity proposal sounds interesting
 
@Magisch blushes :D
 
Interesting considering i'm always on the lookout for management techniques since my therapist is fairly useless
 
11:07 AM
I honestly don't know whether it'll end up becoming a private beta one day (we still miss quite a lot of proposal questions) but I don't give up
 
11:17 AM
@avazula It looks plenty interesting, though many of the questions are about managing one or more symptoms of being neurodiverse, which I don't really know if it is actually going to be a good fit: We're not psychologists after all :/
So you're probably looking at a site where sharing experience (and backup) is going to be a fight too
 
@Tinkeringbell Although I totally agree with you, the reality of neurodiversity is that psychologists and healthcare professionals in general do not care that much about ND symptoms :/
I know, I'd imagine it to be as hard to moderate as IPS ... but we're doing a pretty good job, aren't we? :)
 
@avazula So far, I think we do. Only advice I have for the site (and I guess I'll make the first meta post on it: implement AND ENFORCE a back-up policy from the earliest beginnings). I think one of the major things I felt went wrong with IPS is that I see the backup mentioned from when the site was still in private beta, and people saying 'we shouldn't go out of private beta until we got this down' and then it went out of private beta and on to HNQ :P
Don't reinvent the wheel there, say 'these site have that wheel and we're going to use it too' ;)
 
@Tinkeringbell Although I'd appreciate you do post the first meta :D, I'm unsure whether we'll actually go to private beta one day :/ it lacks followers and questions too much for that and we're reaching the proposal deadline in a few weeks ...
 
@avazula It only needs 4 more followers. As for questions, I think proposing good/great ones is going to be hard, yes.
 
But I understand the frustration you may have felt when seeing those issues remain when going to public beta :/
 
11:23 AM
@avazula Oh, I wasn't here, I only arrived once the site was public and I saw it's questions in HNQ. I caught up on those meta discussions later and felt like 'wow, why didn't they immediately enforce this?' :P
 
@Tinkeringbell We'll see how it goes. I really wanted to give it a go, I "advertised" it on other cross-topic SE sites, on Facebook groups, on Reddit, I actively comment the question proposals, I don't know if I could do much more
@Tinkeringbell ha okay haha. HNQ brought me here in the first place too :p
 
@avazula You're probably already doing more than a lot of other proposers ;)
 
@Tinkeringbell I feel I shouldn't be too sad should it not go live, it's known to be a difficult topic to tackle :)
But, you know ... it's hard haha
 
@avazula If it does go live, I'll help out :) It's a very interesting topic, though it's going to be really hard to steer it away from what Robert called 'a personal advice forum'...
It's hard too as 'neurodiversity' actually is defines as
> a concept where neurological differences are to be recognized and respected as any other human variation
 
@Tinkeringbell I know, it's very broad ... but I didn't want it to be solely about autism, for many reasons ...
@Tinkeringbell I appreciate that ♥
 
11:29 AM
@avazula That's a good point, though I still don't know if 'neurodiverity' really captures what the site looks like it might be about... Which right now basically looks like 'dealing with specific symptom/disorder'
 
@Tinkeringbell I see. I'm not sure how else it could be shortly phrased, though
 
@avazula Me neither ;)
 
:p
One week left until I go visit your country again! Yay
 
It was just a thing I noticed... It might confuse people just as much as 'Interpersonal Skills' XD
 
We booked tickets for Keukenhof :)
@Tinkeringbell True that! haha
 
11:32 AM
@avazula You're missing all the good weather :P They have predicted full sunshine the entire weekend ;)
 
I hope it'll still be decent next week :)
 
Lucky, it's supposed to rain here
 
@avazula Nice! Did you book for a wheelchair too?
 
@Tinkeringbell my mom did, yeah. Grandma finally accepted the idea when she was told the place is 70+ hectares big
@Mithrandir is there a drought over here?
 
@avazula Good :D She'll be able to enjoy it much better that way :)
 
11:34 AM
@Tinkeringbell I think (and I hope) so :)
plus we'll avoid the craziness of the King's day (although I'm sure it's a nice thing to do!)
 
@avazula Oh, if you're in a mood to party and be jostled by crowds, it can be fun ;)
It's not really my thing either. ;)
 
@avazula I mean, Tink is lucky for the sunshine.
 
I can't really plan when I'm in a mood to party, sadly :)
 
@Mithrandir I'll make sure to enjoy it :)
 
@Mithrandir oh right, I read "luckily" instead of "lucky". Darn I'm tired haha
 
11:37 AM
@avazula There's this Dutch cliché... 'Dan maak je maar zin' > 'In that case, make the mood' :P
 
@Tinkeringbell o_o is that possible? :p
 
@avazula Sometimes, sometimes not ;)
 
"When you're in the mood to party" so never, got it
 
@Magisch Then you make yourself in a mood to party :P
 
Mass social gatherings are my anathema
 
11:39 AM
I sometimes like the anonymity they can offer.
 
@Tinkeringbell I'm already hardly convincing my colleagues when they say I should be happy with the new open space
 
for that I would have to contrive a way to avoid the splitting headache after 10 minutes of more then 1 person talking at a time in the room
 
I'm not really good at lying haha
 
and chaining paracetamol and ibuprofen is not the answer to that
 
@Tinkeringbell I love dancing, which is why I go out to such events sometimes. Otherwise I like to go out to a bar with my friends and drink beers but the ambient noise really is overwhelming and I need to unwind the next two days :p
 
11:41 AM
@Magisch There's a reason people drink alcohol at parties :P (Just kidding. If it's not your thing, don't do it)
 
never even tried alcohol tbh. I kinda have a deepseated fear of mind altering drugs
 
Something that always made me a bit sad in those events though, and you'll think I'm silly
It's that whenever we go out my friends would get hit on and I wouldn't
I know it's silly but it reinforced the idea that I'm different and not as worthy as other people
 
It's not silly, silly :P
 
JAD
@avazula does that matter?
 
I think I don't know how to dress or act in a "normal", socially acceptable way. I hardly ever wear makeup and I would wear man pants to go grocery shopping (yay, pockets!)
 
11:45 AM
there could be lots of reasons for that, most of which are benign
 
@JAD well if that does exist I'll like to know how to do it :p
 
@avazula First thing it says to me: You didn't look like 'an easy target'. Which is good.
 
Maybe you don't strike people as the type of person who enjoys being hit on in a crowded club. Or you look like you have standards and are discerning
both of which are arguably positive qualities
 
@Tinkeringbell My mom used to say "I never get annoyed in the streets because I look serious/mean". I realized I unconsciously do the same :p which is why I now smile all the time, I guess (except to strangers)
@Magisch I don't mind (anymore?) not being hit on, I have a partner and am happy in my exclusive relationship. It just used to strike me as "hey, why's that people don't talk to you the way they talk to your girl friends?"
 
0
Q: When a question mostly brings frame-challenging answers, should we try to edit it?

avazulaThis question was inspired from a conversation in IPS' main chat. Regarding the following question: How to ask ex-girlfriend to seek professional help It was pointed out that most answers challenge the OP's author intent to convince their ex to seek professional help, saying that it's not to t...

 
12:30 PM
@IntrovertedMetaMan. I have a few thoughts on this. Hopefully I'll be able to articulate them well. Should have an answer posted sometime today
 
@Rainbacon :D yay
 
@avazula It may not be until much later though because I have a job interview at 10!
 
g'luck
 
Thanks!
 
@Rainbacon Fingers crossed! Break a leg!
 
1:07 PM
I received my work mug \o/ I can't send you a picture of it right now, but I'm very pleased by the result :D
 
be careful that you don't get mugged :p
 
Don't worry, those Muggles can't mugged my mug from me!
 
 
1 hour later…
2:23 PM
0
Q: How do I tell my mother that I don't like my name?

ÆlisI don't like my name, I never had. Recently, I find myself a new name that I really love and I have started using it online. Now, the thing is that I just received a (nice) mug with my "new name" on it and I would really like to show it to my family (via a group conversation that we have). How...

 
2:37 PM
Is IPS down or is it just at my place?
 
no repro
 
:(
ah weird, it's back
mmh
My laptop really struggles these days
 
@ExtrovertedMainMan Do you people really think the tag was out of place?
 
@Ælis Well, to me you don't explain in the question why it's related to it, even though I think I see where you're going (but that's because I know you :p)
 
@avazula (The explaination was also edited out)
 
2:45 PM
@Ælis While many members of the trans community do change their name, is your decision related to that at all? I imagine you would like insight from people who have done this before but their experience and yours may not be parallel.
 
@Ælis I know. I wouldn't have done this if I were in their shoes but I think that if you want to rollback you may have to tell a bit more about your lgbt experience and how queer relates to your experience
 
They lose their deadname because it is strictly attached to their old gender. They also aren't usually compromising with family members who continue to deadname them.
 
@bruglesco "They also aren't usually compromising" you probably shouldn't say that if you don't know that for a fact
@avazula I guess I should open a meta question then
 
IME, family members who continue to deadname do get cut off
 
@Mithrandir IME? In any case, all this is a process, it takes time
 
2:52 PM
While individuals may vary on actually doing that, the community recommends cutting toxic people out.
 
@Ælis in my experience
(I have a bunch of trans / enby friends online who've gone through this, so)
 
Yes it is a process. And if your process parallels that of the trans community then you should readd the tag and explain how
 
@bruglesco Why isn't this "I put the lgbt+ tag because changing name is a common issue among the trans community" enough?
 
Because it paralleling their experience doesn't make the question itself about something LGBTQ+.
 
I'm not certain it isn't.
But, the name change is a small and highly nuanced aspect of the process for members of the trans community and the approach they use to deal with it may not relate to you
 
2:59 PM
@Ælis why's that? I think you were in your absolute right of writing this. That I'm saying is that maybe you could tell a bit more about where you feel you stand on the gender spectrum and that it might partly explain your discomfort with your birth name (if that's what you meant)?
 
@avazula But what if I don't want to explain that? Should saying "I'm transgender" be an absolute requirement for using the lgbt+ tag? If it's relevant enough, can't people just use it without saying that? And why saying "I'm transgender" make the tag finally relevant when it wasn't before?
 
@Ælis what your notice said before is that you added the tag because you thought LGBT+ people could relate to your issues, not that your question was about LGBT+. The tag definition says that it's used "where issues of sexuality, gender, or lack there of, are central to the question", but in that case you're not saying that you'd like to tell your relatives you're going by another name because of gender matters
 
which would complete change the answer
 
@AElis I understand why you used it. I also understand why it was cut out. I would finally also understand why you'd choose to rollback. It was just my opinion about why it was cut out :)
 
@bruglesco You think?
 
3:13 PM
Yes. Changing ones name because one was assigned the wrong gender at birth is a far different conversation than just changing ones name.
 
@bruglesco But I'm not planning on telling them that I don't identify as my assigned gender. I'm not ready for that
 
skirting around that will be challenging.
You will get better answers if the answerers know that this is where the name change comes from and that you need to be careful about how you present the name change
Are you afraid to identify in the question itself?
 
I didn't want to have to tell people "hey, I'm trans" in the question. But I guess I have to do it anyway if I want good answers (the first two aren't that great IMO)
 
I understand that. I'm just not sure there's a way around that. But yes, the tag absolutely applies. The person who edited it out had no way of knowing that, as I didn't when I started this conversation.
 
@Ælis Is your goal about telling your mom you don't like your birth name (as stated in your question) or is it about avoiding a potential crisis? I'm sorry if I make you feel misunderstood but I have an idea of an answer but that would address the second point solely
@Ælis (just saw your edit) if you're uncomfortable doing this caveat you're not obliged to tell people about it, you know. IPS is supposed to be a safe place
 
3:28 PM
@avazula I edited my question to clarify
 
I'm sorry if you felt like you had to add it because of what I said.
 
@Ælis I just saw :) I think it invalidates my answer then because it may feel a lie to your. Best of luck anyway dear ♥ you're wonderful no matter what name you go by
 
@avazula <3 You are amazingly wonderful too <3
@bruglesco I want good answers. And, anyway, it's not that big of a secret around here
 
Any idea why would these flags get declined? interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/21526/…
 
@Ælis Well I hope you get the answer you need then.
 
3:47 PM
this horseradish was a mistake
 
Did it make you a pony? That is, a little hoarse?
 
No, they have this homemade horseradish sauce they sell at the market stand outside the grocer (there's always farmers selling homemade stuff there), and I thought why the hell not, turns out that sauce while delicious is way too hot to be useful outside of using like fruity tabasco
 
4:04 PM
0
Q: When can I use the lgbt+ tag?

ÆlisToday, I asked this question: How do I tell my mother that I don't like my name? I added the lgbt+ on it with the following explanation: I put the lgbt+ tag because changing name is a common issue among the trans community. A moment later, the tag was removed and, when I asked in chat, peo...

 
@Magisch Thin it out with sour cream, creme fraiche, or mayonaise to cool it down.
 
@Ælis I gave that edit a shot. Feel free to revert/edit further
 
5:05 PM
@scohe001 It's not perfect but it's better than the last one. Thank you :)
 
5:29 PM
^ The famous mug (without my company logo)
 
5:42 PM
@avazula You ask about cultural appropriation and Sari the other day. This article might help you
Now I want to put a bounty on a meta comment XD
2
in The Closet, 1 min ago, by IPS Meta Comments
@BKlassen the comments under this post isn't the place to discuss policy as recommended by SE in their 'Good Subjective' blog post. Questions aren't hypothetical and we aren't interested in anyone saying 'here's what I would do', like the post states. Precisely because it doesn't make strong answers, it doesn't make answers at all, just opinions on how someone thinks they would act and what the hypothetical outcome will be. To help people use their discretion a little bit better than 'this feels right', we require more than hypothetical outcomes in answer, we require some evidence they work. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago
 
 
1 hour later…
7:01 PM
Well that was quick
Also, you can't reply to removed posts. It makes sense, but also interesting
 
I can ;P
 
@EmC I call hackz!
 
low-quality, totally off-topic, and contains an offensive word.. figured it wasn't worth keeping visible
 
Definitely the right call
 
@Rainbacon s0 1337 B)
 
7:05 PM
Not that my validation is what keeps you going ;]
 
@EmC *50 1337 you mean :p
 
@Ælis haha, a fellow haxx0r :D
@bruglesco thanks though :) it's always nice to get good comments once in a while :p
 
@EmC Oh yeah, be careful to not mess with me, I have access to the NSA data and I know all of your secrets! (like the fact that your real name isn't EmC!)
 
:o I've been found out!
 
@Ælis But have you read their profile? I was extremely disappointed when I found out that they aren't actually Einstein
 
7:12 PM
Nah, Einstein is EmC2.
 
@Rainbacon Oh yeah, and the fact that they are "she" or "they" but not "he"? This is treachery!
 
@El'endiaStarman I want to star this but I feel like that would be egotistical haha
apparently the UX people are doing reviews today because I just got a whole pile of bugs in my inbox >.<
 
Ugh, Meta just asked me if I was a human or a robot. I'm absolutely appalled that IPS would dare to suggest that I might be a human!
@Ælis @avazula I posted my answer to the meta
 
haha I'll have to check that one out when I get home
 
8:21 PM
....why don't they make pants for short people with small waists who want cargo pockets? >.< It's making finding pants very difficult...
2
 
@Mithrandir look at hiking pants, they tend to be the comfiest around--and with a ton of pockets to boot!
Though as a tall person, I'm not sure if they cover the short ppl need
 
If they do, I haven't found them yet.
Cargo pockets are a deal breaker though. I can't survive without them :P
 
8:51 PM
@Mithrandir I just stumbled upon your medium post about keyboard accessibility. Very well written.
 
Thanks. :D
 
@Rainbacon Link?
 
Curious, how'd you come across it?
 
I saw that you had a link to medium in your bio and got curious as to what you'd written about :)
I may or may not enjoy creeping on peoples SE profiles when I'm bored
 
Ah. Got it.
...I considered putting stuff like docs.google.com/document/d/… on Medium, but I decided that I should put it somewhere else but haven't decided where yet.
(Which reminds me that I never went back and polished that.)
So basically I plan on putting actual articles on Medium, and other writing elsewhere.
 
9:00 PM
Seems like a decent plan
 
 
2 hours later…
10:31 PM
@Mithrandir Look into paramedic uniforms. They have so many utility pockets that a cargo pant lover would be in heaven and presumably they would manufacture them for paramedics of smaller stature.
 
11:16 PM
those are 28W/30L Dunno if you need smaller.
 

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