The Awkward Silence

1:17 AM

tfw in your quest to ask a well-researched question you figure out the answer...

pros: I have my answer, cons: I just spent spent half an hour reading IRS publications and didn't even get internet points

El'endia Starman

1:57 AM

Self-answering questions is an encouraged way to share knowledge on SE sites.

ElizB

Still working on this darn statistics. Made only a little bit of progress within the last 4 hours.

-_-

My teacher explained zilch of this stuff.

Em C

2:16 AM

@El'endiaStarman eh, I thought about that, but the answer is basically "just fill out the worksheet", and which worksheet is already answered elsewhere

ElizB

5:36 AM

@scohe001 Finally finished and printed it out. that's the longest effing stretch of time i've ever worked on a single homework assignment. I started at 6pm. finished at 1:30AM. -_- :P I am gonna be tired tomorrow. Goodnight all.

forest

6:47 AM

As someone who has dabbled in the BDSM community, I find this answer to be incredibly offensive. It is repeating the same stereotypes that result in significant discrimination. Labeling a sexual sadist as a potential serial killer is repulsive. Chances are, this is someone who just wants to share their kink with someone. — forest 1 min ago

What should be done about this? I wrote a comment, but I still find this answer to be offensive. Is there a policy on answers which perpetuate dangerous stereotypes?

In particular, labeling an entire group of well-meaning and empathetic people as potential serial killers who should be avoided at all costs?

In fact, I'm seeing a lot of the answers to that question doing this.

Tinkeringbell

well, for starters...

questions asking Moreover, when someone asks and tells such things what does it usually mean? What should be expected from such people and conversations? could be closed as primarily opinion based as they aren't answerable without us reading the mind of the person asking

That's absolutely nothing to do with Interpersonal Skills too.

forest

@Tinkeringbell So should I flag the question as off-topic?

(or were you talking to someone else?)

Tinkeringbell

@forest Probably primarily opinion based fits better...

forest

Alright, I will do so.

Tinkeringbell

@forest Nope, you're the only one talking here right now ;)

Also, the question seems to be lacking a goal... what does she want her response to achieve?

forest

6:52 AM

I submitted the flag. I hope it will be acted on sooner or later.

I strongly dislike this sort of discrimination. I see it as no different from an answer saying that it is dangerous for a white person to have a black partner because there are a lot of dangerous black gangs. Sure, it's true that there are, but to use it as a reason to try to scare someone away from a relationship that, in all likelihood, will be perfectly healthy? It's offensive stereotyping based on perpetuated myths.

So it seems like OP acted on these stereotypes and blocked the person, who seemed to have been genuinely surprised that they got blocked. It looks like the stereotypes have claimed yet another victim. :/

Tinkeringbell

I know. We get that stuff about every other question. We've tried implementing a back-up policy for answers, but it failed. So, now everyone can just drop their opinions on here and there's nothing we can do about it, except ask 'do you have some personal experience to back this up?'....

stackoverflow.blog/2010/09/29/good-subjective-bad-subjective is a good read, but people here pushed back when we said we wanted expertise not opinions.

forest

Reading it now.

OK, I see how subjectivity can be so important (or detrimental), but is perpetuating dangerous stereotypes really OK in the name of subjectivity?

Tinkeringbell

If you think it's not, there's red flags...

Or meta.

JAD

I think a red flag lacking explanation might be declined

forest

@Tinkeringbell Is rude or abusive better, or should it have a comment for the moderator?

@JAD OK, so then I will use a custom flag reason. Thanks!

I have submitted a flag with a custom reason.

Extroverted Main Man

8:10 AM

0

Q: Is dating a way to get to know someone?

I've had a crush on a girl for a couple of months, but I just don't know a lot about her. I am a rather shy kind of person, so even though I see her on a weekly basis (we attend the same church), we don't really talk a lot. I've probably learned more about her from my siblings than me actually a...

0

Q: Extracting an apology from someone who feels no remorse about what they did?

Emotional wounds cannot heal without an apology from the person who hurt you. If the person who hurt you does not ever acknowledge that, the emotional wound is left unresolved and it can really leave lasting aftereffects on your perception of the world and how you act towards other human beings. ...

apologies

forest

8:22 AM

@forest I'm implying a link between sadism and sadistic murders, yes. There's a clue in the name. — Astralbee 2 mins ago

It seems I'm not even misunderstanding them. They are standing by and downright proud of their prejudicial biases. :(

@Tinkeringbell Is there any post on the meta which explains how to deal with bigotry like this, or is it de facto accepted and allowed?

Termatinator

9:00 AM

good morning/afternoon/evening/night everyone

Tinkeringbell

@forest We've had some discussions in the past about specific posts, but as far as I know there's no 'complete guide to dealing with opinions on IPS' yet.

It's practically not possible to write something and then say 'moderators are given the mandate to say what is and isn't acceptable based on their opinions'

Termatinator

@Tinkeringbell Yeah, subjective things are hard to tackle, sometimes it sucks but yeah, what could we do

forest

I understand.

Termatinator

9:26 AM

Sometimes I feel offended when people say stuff about my autism and yes, it can be quite difficult. But other times I realize that I can't hold everyone to my own standard (if it sounds a bit blunt, I apologize, English is not my main language)

forest

@Termatinator Sure, but if someone here said never to date someone with autism and avoid them at all costs because autistic people have no empathy (which isn't true, of course), it would be a lot worse!

Termatinator

well, yeah. But I wouldn't flag their post. I'd strongly disagree with them but still respect their opinion

forest

I flagged it because it perpetuates negative stereotypes and tells people to act on them, not just because the opinion is one I disagree with.

If someone said they hated black folk, I would be offended, but I would understand it's just their own (likely misguided) opinion. If, on the other hand, they said that and said that we all should avoid them, I would report it for trying to perpetuate racism.

Mithrandir

If someone said that they hated black people, that'd be grounds for a R/A flag and a suspension.

forest

@Mithrandir Even if they were, for example, answering a question on chat as to what biases they have, and not advocating anything bad (e.g. "Well I became a racist and don't like minorities because of how my parents raise me, but I'm trying to stop thinking that way", as opposed to the obvious troll "I hate black ppl! white power!")?

Not that I have that opinion of course, just curious!

Since policing thought crimes and policing racial hate is entirely different.

Mithrandir

9:38 AM

That's different; saying that you're trying to overcome a bias is different from saying, to quote what you said, "they hated black folk".

forest

OK I get what you mean. Was just wondering if it was having the opinion itself which was bannable, or expressing it in a racist/hurtful way.

forest

10:26 AM

Uh, is there any way for me to remove the big fat "new contributor" icon telling everyone to handhold me? I do not want to wait a few weeks for it to vanish on its own, and frankly it is embarrassing. I have 20k+ reputation elsewhere and know perfectly well how Stack Exchange works. It should be on me to understand this community's specific policies, not on everyone else to hold my hand through it.

JAD

@forest it stays for a week after your first post. That's what the SE overlords have decided

Mithrandir

@forest (Nope, no way.)

forest

Gross. Well, be nice to me guys. I'm a clueless noob! :P

doppelgreener

there are requests to get it adapted for people who are established users elsewhere

but a counter-argument there is that even if you know how other stacks work, different stacks have different cultures and rulesets, and you are new to this one.

forest

Sure, but if I am an established user elsewhere, it means I know how to navigate the site and how to ask questions (in particular, how to view the help section).

doppelgreener

10:44 AM

sure, but being new is about more than that—it means you don't yet know this stack's customs

there is no shame in that

forest

But it does mean that I know how to learn this site's customs. I'm not someone who thinks this is a discussion forum where I may need to be protected from someone (rightfully?) calling me an idiot for, say, asking a new question in an answer.

Mithrandir

IPS specifically has a lot of rules that aren't exactly apparent to even established users around the network.

gparyani

There's evidence of that - for instance, when the "add comment" button was temporarily renamed "suggest improvements", people just mentally remapped that button to the old name.

On the other hand, on Area 51, many people are new users there, so that could be why the test worked there but not here.

forest

11:00 AM

The "suggest improvements" thing just confused me when I saw it.

Willem

@Noon thanks, I tend to worry when I make a bunch of judgements in a row, even when they're perfectly balanced.

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: Step-parenting acknowledgement

My partner and I are about 40. We have two children (aged 3 and 4) together, and she has one from a previous relationship (aged 11). We have an amazing house and are financially secure. Neither of us spend extravagantly, all our money goes into our family e.g. mortgage, a foreign holiday once a y...

relationships conflicts parents parenting

Tinkeringbell

11:17 AM

@forest Both IPS and Workplace had success with that small change though.

forest

Not doubting it's effectiveness, just saying it confused me, personally.

gparyani

@Tinkeringbell A small amount of success. In Shog's words, "from slightly over half to slightly under half".

Area 51's implementation was more thorough. Everywhere comments were mentioned in the software, it would be changed to "improvement suggestions", e.g. "show [x] more improvement suggestions".

Whereas on the sites, just the "add comment" button was modified; nowhere else, including other buttons or help pages, was it modified.

So you can't compare the results between tests on Area 51 vs on a real site, because the test parameters were different.

forest

@gparyani That sounds like it's statistically insignificant. Could just be noise.

Noon

@Willem For next time, know that (unless you have enough rep, which you don't) your edit is reviewed by several users before being accepted so, if your edit isn't good, they will be refused or edit back. What I mean is that you don't need to worry about your edit, just do have you think is best :)

avazula

12:17 PM

@forest Hey there. I wouldn't worry too much about that new contributor thing. I don't assume people are new to stack exchange from that sign, it just means that it's likely that user is not totally familiar with the site policy, which is a bit different from other SE sites. You won't be considered a noob or whatever :)

forest

@avazula Thanks. I unfortunately have the unconscious habit of doing that and tend to automatically think "noob who doesn't know anything and will probably flame me for saying their question is unanswerable" when I see that icon. I was just assuming that others did the same.

Cashbee

I'm not sure if that new contributor stuff is useful. but we don't have a say in that, so we'll have to live with it. I don't act differently towards people with that tag. I am friendly to all :D

Hey @avazula !

forest

Hm, I wonder... If I create an account on all sites then create a sample question and delete it right away, would that start the countdown for removing it?

avazula

@Cashbee yeah, me neither. I am just more careful when flagging/VTD something so I add extra links to site policy if needed :)

@forest I don't know. But I don't think so.

Cashbee

@forest I think removing them again makes this not working

avazula

12:22 PM

@Cashbee Hey :) long time no see

forest

Oh damn, that's too bad.

Cashbee

@avazula yea having much to do over here ^.^

but today I'm taking it slow

avazula

@forest I understand that. But its not really a thing here. Most users are very patient, even though some new users may be not

@Cashbee are things better at work right now?

Cashbee

@avazula not really in general, just today. In addition, my boss is on holidays for another week and I could've really used his help on some things. Now there is not so much I can do without him. Not that I'm not doing anything, but it's a little more relaxed right now

avazula

@Cashbee huh. Good news then. I hope things will get better with time.

@forest I try to help new contributors on ask Ubuntu, and some can be very not patient and needy

Cashbee

12:43 PM

@avazula and how are you?

TheTinyMan

1:07 PM

Morning everyone! :-)

JAD

@forest I'm also not sure whether the sites will like that :P

avazula

1:28 PM

@Cashbee I'm good, thanks. My best friend is here for the week, we just came back from the beach

Morning @TheTinyMan!

scohe001

@ElizB congrats!! At least you ended up getting it done! Now the next one will be that much easier :)

TheTinyMan

@avazula I wanna live near a beach! Can I come over? :-D I saw a beach once!

avazula

1:55 PM

@TheTinyMan that's actually my mother's place but you're (all) invited to come should you go to France one day!

There's no beach nearby? Where do you live?

scohe001

@avazula ahh I just left the French company I was at here in the US a month ago too so there goes any chance of me being out there :(

Em C

@forest the banner countdown is based on the age of the user's first visible post

forest

@EmC OK, thanks. I guess my diabolical plan wouldn't work!

Em C

I don't mind the indicator, saves me some time when I comment on low-quality answers. also it's funny when you see it on a CM's post :P

forest

I always try to resist the urge to reply sarcastically to a "new user" CM.

Em C

2:05 PM

I'm sure they appreciate hearing that joke one less time ;)

avazula

@scohe001 you could still come to visit :)

scohe001

@avazula haha if I ever find an excuse to be out there, you'll be the first to know :)

Noon

Why this question who was closed by @AJ was just being migrated from parenting? interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18803/… and interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18799/…

avazula

@scohe001 I'd be happy to give you tips on what to visit and what to eat :)

Noon

I thought that migrated question where supposed do be approved by mod?

Mithrandir

2:17 PM

@Noon They're not always; in fact, advice is not to ask for every time.

scohe001

@avazula same to you if you're ever around my neck of the woods!

TheTinyMan

@avazula Kentucky, in the United States. I mean, there are lakes with beaches? That kind of counts?

Em C

@Noon looks like the user re-posted on parenting, and the parenting mods sent it back to us

TheTinyMan

But I can usually see the other side of the lakes and they're always grooooooss

Noon

Alright, thanks :)

Cashbee

2:18 PM

@Noon it doesn't have to be approved by target-stack mods, it can be done solely by source-stack mods

ElizB

@scohe001 Found out in class that it's due thursday. -_____-

scohe001

@ElizB haha ayyyyyy at least now you have the week free!

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: Step parenting acknowledgement

My partner and I are about 40. We have two children (aged 3 and 4) together, and she has one from a previous relationship (aged 11). We have an amazing house and are financially secure. Neither of us spend extravagantly, all our money goes into our family e.g. mortgage, a foreign holiday once a y...

relationships

0

Q: How to politely reply to recruiter that (s)he being unprofessional

Nowadays software developers (at least in Europe) get a lot of job offers via LinkedIn. I'm always making sure I reply to recruiter in a timely fashion, thanking for getting in touch & explaining that I'm not looking for new opportunities. If I know someone who might be interested in the opportun...

politeness europe

ElizB

@scohe001 yeah.... and a zombie day today. -_-

Not. enough. Sleep.

scohe001

Do you have time for a nap??

Tinkeringbell

2:36 PM

(She's taking one right now :P)

scohe001

Haha she deserves it after the night she just had!

avazula

@TheTinyMan i guess so, yes :)

@scohe001 noted :) I actually might go to San Fran for work soon

scohe001

@avazula that's what you were saying earlier! When will you know?

ElizB

@scohe001 i'm in class. I wish i was napping.

avazula

@scohe001 i have to decide next march.

scohe001

2:50 PM

@avazula oh you've got loads of time. Have you been to SF before?

avazula

3:27 PM

@scohe001 Nope, nor being in the US

scohe001

@avazula ooh you're in for a treat then

There's no place quite like SF

Cashbee

are you goiiiiiiiing

to saaaan fraaan ciscooooooo

avazula

Hahaha

El'endia Starman

For a moment I thought that said "Toxicity 0.99719964" and I was like "What makes that so toxic?!?". Then I noticed the 0 after the decimal point.

Extroverted Main Man

3:44 PM

0

Q: How to deal with a know-it-all coworker?

i got this problem with a coworker. I do work with him for months now and the problem does not seem to go away. Since he is a coworker, i can't just avoid him. He is also kind of my tutor since im in this company for not even a week now. (I had some interships there, so i worked with him more the...

work-environment coworkers

0

Q: Decline request for my children to sing at my grandmother's religious funeral, or suggest an alternative?

My religious maternal grandmother passed away recently and my mother is involved in planning the services which will be held at a chapel and presided over by the religious minister. My mother just informed me that they are planning a musical number for the great grandchildren to sing and that it ...

conflict-aversion family children religion

Mithrandir

4:25 PM

→ 41 messages moved to Trash

Extroverted Main Man

4:49 PM

1

Q: Asking a coworker to discontinue chivalrous acts?

I've made a friend, Bob, in my workplace who is too much of a gentleman for my comfort level. Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and political beliefs. We often message outside of work and get lunch together every few weeks. We don't work in the same department, so t...

united-states politeness saying-no coworkers

Mithrandir

5:34 PM

→ 11 messages moved to Trash

IPS Comment Bot

6:00 PM

It's been my experience that friends will chatter, jokes will be told, family will say something, and various things I can't control will take place. I do completely agree with your last sentence - we need to make the past the past. — baldPrussian 30 secs ago

#18772 baldPrussian (22034 rep) | A: Coming clean to my girlfriend (score: 6) | posted 22 hours ago by alexjbrown2 (87 rep) | Toxicity 0.12307175

Matched regex(es) ["chatty"]

spiral succulent

6:52 PM

Why can't I VTC "This should be on another SE" -> Workplace for this question interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18807/… ?

I cleaned up the question, but it should deffo be on Workplace

user15026

@spiralsucculent because there's likely no migration path - custom flag it with that info for a mod

El'endia Starman

Yeah, Beta sites usually don't have migration paths to other sites (unless they're closely related, like Christianity (graduated) and Biblical Hermeneutics (beta); the latter could migrate questions to the former IIRC).

JAD

@spiralsucculent additionally, just because something is on topic or more on topic on another site doesn't mean it's immediately off topic here

IPS Comment Bot

7:19 PM

Absolutely agree. Furthermore, the OP "coming clean" with his gf is only going to firmly reinforce the notion in her mind that she has a right to know about (and be upset with) every detail of his past romances. IMO him telling her now will likely make the relationship spiral downward from here. — 8protons 8 secs ago

#18760 8protons (394 rep) | A: Coming clean to my girlfriend (score: 46) | posted 27 hours ago by apaul (45918 rep) | Toxicity 0.09026084

Matched regex(es) ["chatty"]

ElizB

Finally home, groceries bought, audiology appointment finished :) I'm gonna nap before dinner. :P

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