The Awkward Silence

ElizB

12:55 AM

kinda quiet in here... still, feels good to be on break now

Alex

Quiet?

ElizB

from my perspective, it feels kinda quiet at the moment lol

Alex

Well it was... until you made some noise.

ElizB

emphasis on the word kinda

Alex

Indeed.

El'endia Starman

1:57 AM

Maybe ElizB was whispering.

Alex

It did sound like a whisper, come to think of it.

Ooker

7:00 AM

@Noon Yeah, my writing style is occasionally reported as such. But it is also said to be enlightening, from the same readers. So... I guess you may want to try to read it again to comprehend it? I say this not to brag though, hope you understand that.

When I write I imagine that each sentence giving a slice of the topic, so that I can bring you from one perspective to another. If we don't do that, then... we only have a perspective to look at it. Maybe the jump between perspectives makes you feel confused?

Speaking of English, I am not a native English speaker too. But I think you will be interested if I correct some of your mistakes, so I will go ahead now :P

First, you have to know that English isn't my native language so this doesn't help me to understand your answer. Usually, when I read an answer, I see a dot which is linked to another dot, which is linked to another dot, etc until it reaches the conclusion. To me, your answer look likes several dots with no link to each other. I understand each individual point but I can't make sense of it as a whole. But, again, this might be because my English isn't good enough

but it's very well that I have my mistake too, so please show me if you see one

Noon

@Ooker I'm sorry, I already read your answer multiple times but still can't make sense of it. I just feel like there is something missing who prevent me to see the structure of your answer. And, more importantly, I'm still unable to see how that answer the question. Maybe if you had a "summary"? Like: do X -> this lead to Y. Then, thanks to Y, you can do Z -> which lead to B. And B is the answer to your question

Avazula

8:07 AM

Good morning everyone!

One week left before Winter break! o/

Mithrandir

\o

Pseudohuman

o/

Extroverted Main Man

8:18 AM

0

Q: Teacher not following punctuation rules on Facebook

My daughter's teacher has a Facebook group for keeping the parents up to date with various information at school. The problem is that on a regular basis she is not following the punctuation rules: she puts a space before the punctuation marks (comma, dot, exclamation mark), instead of putting the...

Ooker

8:44 AM

@Noon (1) do you agree that building OP's confidence actually solves the problem better?

(2) do you agree that to build confidence OP needs to approach her husband's preference in a curious manner instead of disgusting?

Journeyman Geek

@ExtrovertedMainMan ._.

Ooker

(3) do you agree that to approach that she needs to know why she hates it at the first place?

so if you agree with all three, then you have the structure: 3 → 2 → 1

Avazula

8:59 AM

@Ooker Hi. I just read your answer, and I feel that you're offering a frame-challenge to OP, that is: instead of trying to communicate with their husband that they don't like oral sex, you're advising them to actually try oral sex, after trying to figure out why OP doesn't want to do it. Is that right?

If this is the case, well, I shall let you know: frame challenges answers are welcome and encouraged, if well formed. I think yours is almost fitting this requirement, although, to me it misses an important point: if you offer a frame challenge, you should also explain why you think OP couldn't achieve what they wanted to do in the first place.

So, for your answer to be valid, it'd be great if you could edit your answer to explain why you think OP could not try to express their dislikes to their husband before actually trying oral sex.

Noon

9:55 AM

@Ooker Are you saying that: She need to understand why she don't like it -> so she need to have an open mind -> and she need to have confidence -> and...? I still don't understand how is this answering OP question

Ooker

@Noon if she understand why she doesn't like it, and asking questions so that her husband understand why he likes it → then her mind and her husband's mind will be opened → then her husband will understand why she doesn't like it, and she will understand why he likes it → then her disgust will mitigate, and both will be able to work out the problem, without dragging into the vicious cycle

Avazula

@Ooker But why do you think OP shouldn't pursue what they originally asked for instead?

You need to explicitly explain why you think OP shouldn't try to achieve what they actually asked for before offering a frame challenge answer

Ooker

Does "why you think OP shouldn't try to achieve what they actually asked" mean "OP should try oral sex despite her disgust"?

I offer the frame challenge because I think they will get into the demand-withdrawal dynamic: the more she wants the more he doesn't want. And because she knows that he will withdraw from her demands, she will be more anxiety and demands more

Avazula

10:15 AM

@Ooker I'm not discussing your proposal of trying something else. I'm advising you to edit your answer to explain before your proposal why you think OP shouldn't try to talk with their husband about their disgust for oral sex before trying to change their mind regarding oral sex. Something in the shape of "In my opinion, you shouldn't try to talk about your disgust before trying what I'll suggest in the next paragraph, and here's why: [your explanation here]" would work perfectly

Ooker

OK I see. Give me some times and I'll edit it. Thank you.

Avazula

@Ooker You're welcome :) thanks for taking the time to editing.

Ooker

but do you understand it? Do you see it's unclear?

Avazula

@Ooker What do you mean? Are you asking if I understand your proposal?

Ooker

yes

Avazula

10:20 AM

@Ooker No, I understand your answer, there's no problem with that :)

On your side, do you understand the need for explaining why you have to explain why you offered an alternate answer to OP? Otherwise, I suggest you'd have a look at the meta post I linked in a comment below your answer.

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: How to make gym goodbyes less painful?

I'm about to change gym because I'm looking for new motivations, harder training, muscle grow and get a better aerobic/anaerobic base. What should I say to my current trainer and gym colleagues in order to make this transition as natural and less painful as possible?

conversations awkward-situations politeness

Ooker

@Avazula sorry I haven't checked the post since then. But I don't see why I shouldn't include it.

But now I see it, I don't really understand the downvotes. Are they because the answer is unclear or doesn't fit the structure?

Avazula

@Ooker It could be both that they don't like what you're offering or because your answer doesn't (yet) meet the frame challenge requirements, I can't speak for all downvoters.

Ooker

if it's the former, then why is that?

Avazula

10:35 AM

@Ooker I don't know; again, I can't speak for them.

It may be because it could feel like you're telling OP to "try harder" to like oral sex

But again, I don't know

Ooker

thank you for your advise

Avazula

Your welcome. Feel free to come by and ask (or simply chat!) should you ever feel the need or want to.

@Noon By any chance do you know if it's possible to start a bounty on a meta post?

Mithrandir

It is not.

Avazula

@Mithrandir Shoot. Thanks Mith :)

Mithrandir

Why do you want to?

Noon

10:46 AM

@Avazula You can always edit to bump the post, but that's all :/

Mithrandir

To get more attention, you can ask a mod to put a featured tag on it.

Avazula

@Mithrandir I may consider that option soon if the post doesn't get more answers. I'm disappointed my latest question (what to do with regular users refusing to follow IPS' rules) got only 2 answers so far. I care for this question for I think it may speed up our FAQ deployment (but I understand Tink may be busy with other topics right now)

Mithrandir

Mmm. There... isn't really much we can do about them besides for flagging for mod attention and explaining the issue - then it's out of your hands

the users, I mean, not the posts with lack of attention

Avazula

@Mithrandir Yeah, I guess we can't do much about this.

Mithrandir

(And that capital A is still throwing me.)

Avazula

10:50 AM

But I'd really like people to get more active around, we lost quite a lot of great users recently and we're only a handful left involved in moderation. I'm sad

@Mithrandir Yeah, it hurts my eyes too, but I can't change it immediately, there's a 30 days delay to respect :/

Mithrandir

there's a bit of a way around that

go to another site, change it there, and press copy to all sites

Avazula

@Mithrandir Huh. Didn't know about that.

Mithrandir

Yeah, it's not the most obvious

Avazula

@Mithrandir That may have been changed recently but it's forbidden across communities now

Mithrandir

Oh huh

Noon

10:53 AM

This is absolutely off-topic, but I really like the way this hat suits your avatar @Mithrandir

Mithrandir

Hmm, you don't have a Literature account, so I can't help you. Oh well, I guess :P

Thanks, @Noon!

Avazula

@Mithrandir I don't?

Mithrandir

I'm going to add this one to the "show off your hats" post soon.

not that I saw on a brief glance, @ava

Avazula

@Mithrandir Well that's something that needs to be changed

Mithrandir

:P

Noon

10:55 AM

@Mithrandir Nice, to bad I already upvoted your post there :P

Mithrandir

heh

Avazula

@Mithrandir issue solved!

Mithrandir

*goes to find it*

Avazula

I'm there, if it's easier for you

Mithrandir

aaaand done

Noon

11:00 AM

@Mithrandir Ahah XD

Mithrandir

You've been re-lowercased :P

2

Now things are back to normal. ;)

avazula

@Mithrandir I struggle to understand why you were all so shocked about my uppercase but thanks ^^

Mithrandir

Small, sudden changes that jar what I'm used to? People will notice :P

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: How can I make sure that my ex's friend will help me to work out the situation?

Note: In this story, I will call my girlfriend as Clara and her friend as Susan. 2 years ago I and Clara broke up because we knew that our situation couldn't maintain it. It was a dysfunctional relationship coupled with philosophical misconception on her side and immature knowledge on my sid...

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