I have this friend, I could easily call her my best friend. We see each other at least twice a week usually, have travelled together etc. About 6 months ago she confessed that she has feelings for me, but I don't feel the same way.
I don't have any issues with the fact that she feels that way, a...
does it happen to you, that people you think like you or get along with well, never add you on facebook or keep an online interaction with you, and sometimes, people you think are upset or annoyed with you, are nice on the internet
@Rainb but it could be that those people just aren't active on social media. I am one of those. my gf once was a bit mad when she found out my fb says that I'm single, 4 months into the relationship
I then deleted my profile since i am never on fb anyway. I don't want to offend anyone by not accepting friendship request or such things. its better when i dont have a profile altogether
It does make me insecure, a little bit, that people that have nice interactions with me, didn't like my vibe, they're really good at hiding their uncomfortableness, or I'm bad at noticing it.
one tends to be another persona when interacting over the internetz. Some people become trolls, some become a bit more desinterested, and others remain as friendly as they are irl
Sometimes, they accept you the less they know about you.
or that's what I feel sometimes.
If I come up to them upfront, and then say, hey add me on fb, they will do it, but if I know them for some weeks they just kinda refuse or something like that.
im nice to my colleagues at work but i tend to seperate work from private life. so my interaction pattern changes when i get contacted about private stuff
a few months ago one of my colleagues added me via steam but did not talk to me or invite me to play with him. so after i while i removed the contact. it didnt bother him much i think
Yes, it is very important to not care. However sometimes you want to focus on the impression you're giving, not for others, but for yourself, as strange as that sounds.
I used to go to scouts and we sometimes had events where we dressed up and played some kind of hide and seek in the old city. People may have wondered why I run around dressed as a christmas tree or roger federer or a steamroller, but I was having fun and i didnt care :)
Just getting a second opinion, should this be tagged conflict aversion, just conflicts or both? its a tough one
so its a regular conflict that OP wants to avoid (perfect example of aversion) but he is asking about how to de-escalate it when it happens (perfect example of conflict) they are normally supposed to be mutually exclusive tags :D
Since we're doing tag questions, I put the following idea in chat today:
may I throw out the suggestion of no longer tagging based on the problem, but on the skill that the problem is with?
It's already got three stars, but that doesn't say much since it can't be downvoted.
My proposal:...
@Cashbee If you don't care about what other people think that's okay because you're doing your thing, but you can't really understand their reasons, sometimes you want to help them, or understand them, then it is important for you to know how you're being perceived.
@Jesse I don't think the decision what conflict tag it has would influence the answers
@Rainb OP is asking how to deescalate an argument. we should not change the question to how to avoid that argument. that is not what op is asking at all
Friedrich Glasl's model of conflict escalation assists in the analysis of conflicts. Appropriate reactions can be derived from this analysis. The model has nine stages – in contrast to the earlier model of Kurt R. Spillmann, which describes five distinct stages of escalation. These stages are grouped into three levels, which each contain three stages.
== Levels ==
Glasl represents "escalation in his nine stage model not as an ascent to higher and higher stages of escalation, but as a descent to deeper and deeper, more primitive and more inhuman forms of dispute... [which] inevitably leads into...
I think this one explains what to do on each scale
Wish you'd mentioned that previously as I've already said it. I agree with you that it's probably not going to help the issue, but I disagree that he's not responsible for behaviour that hurts my feelings. It's his prerogative as a free person to do it, but as a friend (and hell, as a decent human being), he's responsible for how his actions affect others. Just as I am with mine. — Ynneadwraith1 min ago
Me and my partner have recently started searching for a new apartment. The reason for leaving the current one is the difficult landlady despite us being model tenants.
I have been asked why do I want to leave my current residence by some landlords of the apartments I have visited so far and I've...
Here's the things she did from when I was 17. Am 22 now.
This she did when I was 17. She dropped her pants in front of me, and I knew she did purposely She did and waited for 5-10 mins when she knew that I was looking.
Dad and all were out one the evening. Only we 2 were there. She called me up...
Health Communications to deaf and hard of hearing people- my main thing right now will be 1. make videos accessible for deaf and hard of hearing folks (Videos are about navigating health care, like insurance, doctors visits, etc) and 2. I'm presenting a workshop targeting health care professionals about interacting with deaf and hard of hearing people/patients in their practice. (dos and don'ts)
Oh, well good news. Unless I'm mistaken you have a deal with the EU in regards to the free movement of labour rules, so you can litterally just go here and start working if you want to.
Only thing you'd be missing out on is voting in the national-election
@EmC Well, yes and no. I'll be honest (I hope there are no Swedish or Norwegian people listening in), but Scandinavian countries are basically the same thing.
I mean, it's various levels of cold, and Sweden has been a lot more on fire this year than the rest of us, but in regards to living year, pay/benefits/politics, it's really not that big a difference.
My sister lived and worked in Paris for 12 years (came back home to live in Denmark this year), from what I've heard, I don't think she has ever had a work-week of less than 45 hours, so I'd say it varies a lot on what line of work you're in.
I suppose if you average my hours out over a year or so, it will also add up to a whole lot more than 37.5 hours a week. I'm just in a good streak of "nothing is on fire right now", so I get to go home "normal time". There have been 25 hour+ weekends...
His behavior could be considered sexual harassment, and you have every right to be upset. In my opinion, it's perfectly acceptable for you to be completely up front with him:
You are making me uncomfortable, and you need to stop now. I gave you my answer and it's not going to change.
Also ...
This answer is a bit problematic. It directly accuses the person the OP is discussing as engaging in sexual harassment. This is terribly bigoted agains people with autism. You wouldn't say that a deaf person is ignoring you because she can't hear you or a blind person is not paying attention because they cannot see, so why should it be acceptable to say that a person who cannot read social cues, who is acting without malice, is engaging in sexual harassment? Not even the OP stated that.
@RichardU I can understand that concern but the way I read it is that "it could be considered sexual harassment." Maybe I can suggest leaving out "sexual" and just call it "may be considered harassment" which would still get the point across. What do you think?
@RichardU Gotcha, totally get it! Do take care of that and thank you for keeping me updated! You're very good at making sure there are less assumptions and more communication. I appreciate it! :)
@ElizB well, given my own literalism, and that being part of the problem you're experiencing, I figured it would only be right to prevent that same situation from reoccurring in a different context
@ElizB Well, that's why I posted that here instead of going in and editing the person's answer. There was a recent news story of an autistic boy getting two title nine actions filed against him for the grevious act of a fist bump and a selfie.
@ElizB It's hard because when we don't understand social cues or what is or is not appropriate very easily, and the fact that standards are shifting like the sands these days makes it worse. Plus, it seems that we are the only ones it is safe to discriminate against.
@RichardU I see you already commented on that answer, and the answerer made edits as they saw fit. But since they stated in that edit that they believe the behavior is harassment, it's not going to be productive to continue commenting to try and change their mind about that.
@EmC but in all seriousness. You wouldn't say that a deaf person was ignoring you, when they don't have the capicty to hear, or that someone with Tourette's was being vulgar due to an outburst. Why is it ok to slap labels on autistic people? Why are we held to a different standard than anyone else with disabilities?
there are many paradigms for looking at harassment (in various forms), and among them are the following two: - What is the person consciously trying to do? - What effects are the person having? (is it walking and quacking like a form of harassment?) No single paradigm works all the time. As an example mostly unrelated to this situation, we know one person's "pursuing their target with pickup tactics" is another person's sexual harassment even when the first person doesn't consider it to be that way. This author seems to be coming from this second paradigm in their assessment.
@RichardU From what you're saying, I get that you're trying to achieve is to get the sexual harassment part removed. However, do you agree with what OA is suggesting to do?
@EmC Important to remember is that it is a spectrum. It affects different people in wildly different ways. You can't easily apply what you know of one autistic person and assume that others will react/act in the same way.
@JAD I'm aware. My brother has Asperger's and I know a number of other people with it as well. I was trying to make sure I understood the line of reasoning.
@RichardU That's nice of you. I'm still trying to figure out what you'd like to achieve, though. I think we all agree in here that autistic spectrum is wide and not that simple to understand. I'm not sure what can be done towards the answer you linked, though.
OK back to the answer: it sounds like they are trying to separate the behavior from the person. They were saying the behavior could be considered harassment, and they said this solely so OP would feel better about speaking up about it. Is there a better way they might phrase that?
ok, cool! sometimes it takes me a minute to gather my thoughts. maybe the footnote should be moved / integrated into the beginning of the answer instead, would that help?
Yes, and I'd like to apologize. I see that I got a bit heated over this one. As you might imagine, I've had some bad experiences over the years, and I'm afraid they've colored my judgment.
But, I guess this room has served it's purpose as it has helped me understand.
I thought I was done editing the maps so I printed 10 copies each map to hand out during presentation. Now they're moot. that's why I'm slightly annoyed :P but it's an edit for the better XP
@avazula Finished the edits. It really is necessary because in government writing, saying "new standards" is not truthful when it is actually "proposed guidelines"
@EmC Thanks! just going through the formalities for making sure the school know I've completed it. Mentor and faculty advisor have to sign off on it and stuff
@DaveG it's been a lot of pressure and it does feel great to have it off. all i need to do is make a 15 minute presentation and give it on monday. That's it
TL;DR
A stranger approached me and asked me if they could use my phone. I didn't want to be rude and say no bluntly, so I wavered, and felt uncomfortable. How do I say no to strangers asking for use of my phone?
This is for future reference, this happened a few days ago and I would like to k...
My girlfriend has a tendency of getting fixated on things she thinks true, when she won't listen to any reasoning and starts arguing with me. We are in our late twenties and we have been together for 8 months. She is a foreign student in my Central European country, we both work as interns. Neith...
@JonathanReez here's our frame challenge meta post, for reference. We have pretty high standards for them because we want to respect the premise of OP (another meta reference) - so you'd need to provide a strong explanation of why OP can't possibly fix the situation otherwise
A frame challenge is where someone basically says "what you want to do is not a good idea, and here's why, and here's what will happen that will be more desirable. If you continue down the path of the original goal, this will happen and you won't like it"
What is a frame challenge?
We require answers to adress the question. However, some questions may warrant answers questioning whether what the OP wants, really is the best choice. These answers are generally of the form:
Don't do [x], do [y] instead.
This is generally referred to as a fram...
@EmC I have pattern recognition, so it makes me a very fast learner for languages and makes me a good troubleshooter for code.
Can't tie my shoes, or deal with social situations though.
There have been times when I'd gladly have been "brought down to normal" if it meant I wouldn't embarrass myself so often though.... this morning was just a small sample....
@RichardU my mom was cleaning out the attic several years back and showed me her punch cards from college :D it's mind-boggling how quickly technology has progressed
There are things I just will never understand, like the frame challenge meta. It looks to me like the two examples are identical, except for a slight change of phraseology which means nothing to me.... very confusing. Computers make sense, people.... not so much
I've come to realize that I do a great deal of scripting.
I've memorized what is expected in social situations, but still have no idea why people do those things
If I were you, I certainly would like to know why does she continue being offensive to you without making guesses. Knowing this is important for further decisions. — rus938410 secs ago
Since we're doing tag questions, I put the following idea in chat today:
may I throw out the suggestion of no longer tagging based on the problem, but on the skill that the problem is with?
It's already got three stars, but that doesn't say much since it can't be downvoted.
My proposal:...
Here's the things she did from when I was 17. Am 22 now.
This she did when I was 17. She dropped her pants in front of me, and I knew she did purposely She did and waited for 5-10 mins when she knew that I was looking.
Dad and all were out one the evening. Only we 2 were there. She called me up...
His behavior could be considered sexual harassment, and you have every right to be upset. In my opinion, it's perfectly acceptable for you to be completely up front with him:
You are making me uncomfortable, and you need to stop now. I gave you my answer and it's not going to change.
Also ...
What is a frame challenge?
We require answers to adress the question. However, some questions may warrant answers questioning whether what the OP wants, really is the best choice. These answers are generally of the form:
Don't do [x], do [y] instead.
This is generally referred to as a fram...
