The Awkward Silence

12:50 AM

0

Q: Dementia: How to cut off useless advice to a caregiver from well meaning people?

My husband has moderate dementia. The exact cause has been variously diagnosed, but it is probably not Alzheimer's. I haven't broadcast the fact, but, of course my friends and some of my closer acquaintances know, and the therapists. I am constantly getting unhelpful advice, such as: You m...

Extroverted Main Man

3:38 AM

0

Q: How to Save a Friendship?

So, first of all, I'll briefly explain what happened - My best friend and I, we've been friends for over three years now; and in the past few weeks I realised that I like her. Also, I knew that she didn't like me back, she didn't feel the same way and never really wanted anything more than a la...

friends relationships awkward-situations friendship

Sid

5:09 AM

Huh. You get VTC privileges so early in Beta Sites?

A J

@Sid Yup.

Even before you get Editing privilege.

Extroverted Main Man

5:21 AM

0

Q: How to mend relations with someone I realize I have been mean to for four years?

Premise I do not feel good whenever I have strained a friendship, or any interpersonal relationship, and can find no recourse to mend the friction. The main reason being (and it is admitedly selfish), I want the most recent memory of me in someone else to be a positive one not a negative one. ...

united-states relationships

Sid

@AJ say, the site graduates tomorrow. Then, there would be a new vtc threshold, right? In that case, if we don't reach the new threshold, we lose the privileges?

A J

yup

That happened to me on Puzzling.

user5389107

6:16 AM

morning

Cashbee

@user5389107 o/

user5389107

@Sid There'll be new thresholds for everything

vtc 3000 editing 2000 review tag edits 5000 delete votes 10000 extended delete votes 20000

viewing deleted posts 10000

Cashbee

We will be a privilegeless folk once we leave beta..

user5389107

I don't think that's due to happen soon

Mithrandir

@Sid Nope. Rep levels change with site design, not graduation.

user5389107

6:40 AM

@Mithrandir Can also happen independantly of that, if requested.

Mithrandir

Sure, but by default, with design independent graduation, privileges come with the design.

Cashbee

what do you mean with "design"?

Mithrandir

@Cashbee Each site gets its own unique design, not just the generic blue. See e.g. Science Fiction & Fantasy, Movies & TV, Photography

Sid

@Mithrandir The design comes just after graduation, no?

Mithrandir

It... can take a long time. Just ask Anime & Manga or Programming Puzzles & Code Golf.

They're trying to speed up the process, though.

There haven't been any new designs in a very long time.

I believe the last one was Puzzling, in fact.

Cashbee

6:54 AM

@Mithrandir oh so I understood it right. but I don't understand that 😒. why would privileges be linked with the site template in any way?

Mithrandir

It used to be that "graduation" included 1.) removal of the beta label 2.) increased rep thresholds 3.) elections 4.) design, all at once. They then changed to design-independent graduation, which meant that graduation was 1.) removal of the beta label 2.) elections, and the increased rep thresholds would come with the design, because it wasn't fair to make everything wait until a complicated design process was done.

Also to link something with the design.

Cashbee

lol that does not make sense to me but okay. thanks for explaining 😃

Mithrandir

*shrugs* Cat has a proposal to change it somewhere

Sid

@Mithrandir ...Cat?

Cashbee

@Sid catija probably

Mithrandir

7:03 AM

82

Q: Let's break up with "Graduation" and remove a bunch of "Beta" labels

Over two years ago now, we made a big shift in how we handle "graduation" - nearly severing the connection between "graduation" and site design. We also talked about removing the "beta" label at some point before sites “graduated” - when sites are clearly past that phase but don't yet qualify for...

feature-request design election beta-sites graduating-sites

user5389107

cat is a nice shorthand

Mithrandir

38

Q: Give Graduated sites waiting on a custom design something to set themselves apart from Beta sites

I'm really excited that Beta sites waiting on site design are finally getting many of the graduation privileges without having to wait for a fully custom design. For simplicity, I'll be referring to the graduated sites without custom site designs as "interim" sites. If someone else has a better t...

discussion feature-request design graduating-sites

38

Q: Can Beta sites slated for graduation get full-site abilities without site design upgrade?

I respect the discussion about how much work goes into making a Beta site into a full site, particularly from the design perspective. From Robert Cartaino's answer: Sending a site to the "graduation queue" and getting a design published are currently two different things. We recently hired s...

discussion graduating-sites

Extroverted Main Man

7:38 AM

0

Q: How to handle the person touching repeatedly after multiple warnings?

South girls from India are conservative compared to north and I am a conservative girl. One guy from my batch usually stays with north girls, who allows touching. So, he is habituated to touch girls. He uses to display same kind of behaviour with me and hence I warned him personally and frien...

india acceptable-behavior

Cashbee

8:22 AM

interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/14885/8077 I VTC as opinion-based but when I wanted to make a comment about that, I was unsure if it actually is POB. (the last question sure is POB and should be removed, but the first one I am not so sure.) Now the Q has 4 close votes but no comment about it, so I think I am not the only one with that dilemma. What do you guys think?

Loki

POB ?

Mithrandir

Primarily Opinion Based.

Oh right

@AJ you here?

@Federico yup

8:33 AM

@AJ OP answered comments in an answer: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14888/9000

A J

Well, you can edit or suggest an edit to include that answer into OP's question and flag it as NAA.

Federico

ok, I just thought that the flag could have been avoided :D

A J

@Federico I didn't notice that your user ID on IPS is 9000.

Loki

@Cashbee I also voted to close on this question. I think it's unlikely that someone, still in position of power (if I understood correctly) over the person they are trying to reconcile with and that have been "abrasive" (quoting OP's term) for the span of four years, will be able to reconcile or get back to a friendly relation.

Furthermore, I think pretty much no one can claim to have experience in such a specific and intricate scenario or find studies which would suggest a particular approach.

Cashbee

good for them for having an honest and "successful" talk with her. @Federico I find it funny that they did what I told you yesterday but you (and I) rejected to add in your answer: be more honest about their feelings and the whole situation

Federico

8:47 AM

@AJ I should have waited a few hours to have it "above 9000" :D

@Cashbee indeed

Cashbee

@Federico pfff, you're not even over 9 thousand? :D

Tinkeringbell

I'm at 1599... ;)

I just missed a chance to become 1600 :P

A J

I am 29. Missed one to be 30. :P

Although I wanted to have 11.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ You've been around that long? :P

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: Etiquette for a person who has already queued once

I was at the front of a queue (of 5 or 6 people) for train tickets when a woman approached me asking if she could go first as she had queued up already to get a form for a discount railcard (I guess the person in the ticket office had continued serving other customers while the woman had filled t...

etiquette

A J

8:51 AM

@Tinkeringbell I followed and committed to this site's Area 51 proposal. I was the first one to get any silver badge on this site.

Tinkeringbell

@ExtrovertedMainMan Oh dear, now we're all of a sudden getting every question ever on queueing?

@AJ Nice :)

Cashbee

@Loki Furthermore, I think pretty much no one can claim to have experience in such a specific and intricate scenario - you don't know that. I see the problem in the question "How do I mend relations with the person mentioned in the situation above?". It could also be read as "should I x, y, or z?". On the other hand, he seems to have decided some things, he knows that he wants to amend, but he doesn't know how.

A J

Wow! Henry was the first one to join this site.

Cashbee

Also the question already 3 answers which make further major edits harder

I really hate to have a Q closed without any comment as to why, but I'm still struggling with deciding whether it really is POB or not. Maybe some other opinions?

Federico

@Cashbee personally, I was surprised to see the close votes. without them I would have attempted an answer myself. I think it is clear what they are trying to achieve (mend the relationship). Sure, is open-ended in the sense that they do not specify exactly how they would like to proceed, but I think a comment could help fix that

Loki

9:07 AM

@Cashbee I see your point. The story is good to get some context but the question "How do I mend relations with the person mentioned in the situation above?" is indeed confusing. I would advise changing it to something like : "How to approach someone to make excuses about a previous harsh behavior" or "How to ask someone for forgiveness without expecting anything more ?". We don't know to what length he wants to mend the relationship so it's kinda hard to answer.

Imus

9:20 AM

I too think that question is somewhat in the grey zone. But what if we look at it from this angle: OP knows he was wrong but has no idea what his options are to "fix" it. So it's impossible for him to decide if he wants to force a conversation with an apology or if he should do something else.
With that in mind how can he be more specific in what he asks?

Is it really a problem to have different people suggest different possible solutions so that OP can actually make an informed decission based on his newly aquired knowledge? I fully agree that it's not up to us to decide what he should do. But isn't this at least the place to ask what one CAN do (and how to do that ofcourse)?

Cashbee

9:37 AM

OK I think I see the problem. The question lacks good goals

Imus

@Cashbee I mostly disagree. The goal is to mend the relationship (if it's possible).

Cashbee

@Imus what does mend a relationship mean? start a friendship? or just her not ignoring you anymore? just saying sorry for the way op behaved?

it is just too vague

--> unclear what you're asking

Imus

from the premise of the question: "I want the most recent memory of me in someone else to be a positive one not a negative one."
His main goal is to relieve her of the negative feelings she has when they meet. He makes no intention to become friends. Just no longer "enemies".

He's asking for a way to convey to her that she no longer needs to put up a barrier between them.

Cashbee

@Imus That makes sense, I think you are right. But it is not easy to understand that after reading the question. If OP would say it like you just did, we would have no problem

Imus

10:03 AM

I edited his question (although I expected it to be a suggestion to edit, not a direct change :o ). Added a comment to clarify as well. Hope this was the right thing to do :)

Cronax

10:15 AM

I just flagged an answer for the first time, as rude/abusive no less

IPS Comment Bot

@WendyG I knew I had to read that book! It's a long time it's in my future reading list. So, anyway, I have no idea what does it mean 🤷 — arieljannai 46 secs ago

#14887 arieljannai (279 rep) | A: How to mend relations with someone I realize I have been mean to for four years? (score: 3) | posted 2 hours ago by arieljannai (279 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["experimental(@mith)"]

SQB

10:36 AM

Hey @Mithrandir, or anyone else knowledgable about SEDE, do you know if there's a way to search for closed questions by close reason? I can only see the close reasons in the pending flags table. Am I missing something?

Mithrandir

I'm definitely the wrong person to ping about SEDE; @Magisch is the local expert.

That said, is this helpful?

SQB

Sorta. I'm looking for a list of closed questions, together with their close reasons. On SF&F, actually.

Mithrandir

10:53 AM

Well, you might be able to do something with the IDs of the close reason.

data.stackexchange.com/scifi/query/710842/…

Magisch

I can whip something up when I get more time, busy atm

SQB

@Magisch Thanks, but I think I've found it. The column comment in posthistory is used to store the ID of the close reason.

Cashbee

11:12 AM

@Imus nice edit

Imus

11:28 AM

How is this question "not clear what you're asking": interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/14893/…

Cashbee

@Imus no idea. this is a good question

Federico

@Imus I'm the one that voted as off-topic. It seems to me they are asking "what should I have done" and that's exactly the new close reason. I'm up to remove the vote, but please let me understand why I should.

Imus

Isn't etiquette by definition telling you what you should do in a certain situation? Like a waiter asking if he should hand you your plate from your left or right side?

Magisch

Could perhaps be re-formed to ask "How could I have handled this better?"

Imus

That makes it a different (also interesting) question. But it's not the question OP is asking there

On the other hand, I feel that although the current answer perfectly adresses the etiquette question, it feels lacking in not also pointing out how to handle a "breach" in that etiquette better.

Cashbee

11:45 AM

@Federico he is asking what the english etiquette is regarding queueing for the second time. Questions about etiquette, if it's about IPS, are on topic here.

Federico

@Cashbee ok, retracted

Extroverted Main Man

12:21 PM

0

Q: Partner asks to stop contact with people from the other sex

So this is the age-old situation with a modern take on it, my girlfriend is asking me to stop following certain girls on instagram. It just happened like this and I'm scared this becomes a slippery slope where some demands become more and more authoritative. We've been together for a year and a ...

relationships socializing

SQB

12:43 PM

Anecdotally, I've always seen people reinject themselves into the queue.

Tinkeringbell

@SQB I've never seen that, and the only time I tried it (on instruction of an employee) it was met with such negative reactions that I'm never going to try again.

SQB

I think it depends on how far out of the queue one is as well. If I was asked to fill in a form, and I just moved over a bit but stayed at the window, I'd consider myself to still be at the front of the queue. "On hold", so to say.

Magisch

@ExtrovertedMainMan I struggle to see the actionable question in this

Cashbee

I actually expect the employee to ask the next in line to wait a moment so that the formfiller can give him the form

Magisch

OP seems to have the right idea, if you strip away the surroundings it's a phrasing request - don't we close those?

Cashbee

12:49 PM

I have been in that situation many times, and what I do is wait next to the line and make eye-contact with the employee. It is on him to allow me to cut the queue

Magisch

If I was the form filler I would have just waited in queue again

I'm naturally a pushover in social situations where it's not worth my energy to assert myself

Cashbee

@Magisch yes theoretically it should get closed. I'm hoping he answers my (and raditzes) comment about that. If he does add the part why his solution wouldn't work, it's a good question

Cronax

For me it depends how much time I've spent in the queue. If I was there for an hour only to be told to fill out another form, you bet I'm gonna try to skip the queue

Magisch

I found it most of the time not worth to assert myself in such situations - sure I might save a couple of minutes but the potential for conflict isn't worth it

Cashbee

@Magisch that's why I let the employee do it

gonna write an answer now xD

Tinkeringbell

12:54 PM

Even when the employee lets you cut the queue, people will act all upset about it, in my experience.

Magisch

^ Yeah

Tinkeringbell

I guess when it comes to queueing I'm just as big of a pushover as Magisch ;)

Cashbee

^ nope

Magisch

I will sometimes offer people to cut in front of me in a queue, but never ask

Tinkeringbell

@Magisch If people ask and it looks like they're in a hurry, I often let them go first. If I'm offered by a person in line, I'm not hesitant to go first too. But I'll never ever take an employees word for it and cut in line again.

Magisch

12:57 PM

for me it's primarily old people in the grocery store

or people that have like 1 item while I have 20

it's unefficient time wise to have them wait behind me - their transaction will take 20 seconds at most while mine will be a couple minutes

Cronax

I see it differently: it was my turn, I was asked to fill out a form but that doesn't mean my turn is over. to prevent the employee from having to twiddle their thumbs it's fine if they help someone else before they can continue helping me, but it's still my turn so when I'm ready and the opportunity is there, I expect the employee to continue helping me

Cashbee

@Cronax I see it exactly the same way. Can i use that in my answer?

Cronax

be my guest

Tinkeringbell

Hmmm.. I've never actually had that situation at hand, all the times I had to fill in forms, I also had made an appointment of some kind, so it was my turn anyway

Cronax

I don't claim to have a patent or copyright on wisdom, far from it XD

Tinkeringbell

1:01 PM

Hahaha Well, I can see the reasoning behind 'please fill in the form, and if you don't mind, while you do, I'll be helping the next person'. I guess my experience with queues so far has only been in stores and entertainment parks

Cashbee

@Tinkeringbell yeah, those queue are different and this question would never arise there

Cronax

To be honest, this queueing question should be answered by someone half-Japanese and half-British, since in both cultures queueing has been elevated to an art-form :D

Cashbee

@Cronax in switzerland we have similar queueing etiquette as in england, it's just not a stereotype because our stereotype-box is full

Cronax

hahaha fair enough

SQB

@Cashbee Filled with the three cs of Switzerland: cheese, chocolate, and cash (well, banking, but I wanted a c).

Also Alps, Saint-Bernards, and independence.

Und Heidi.

Cashbee

1:18 PM

heeiiiidiii

SQB

Wow, that's indeed a box full of stereotypes.

Cashbee

watches?

punctuality

~~independence~~ neutrality

SQB

Heidi - Intro

►

@Cashbee indeed, neutrality.

Watches, too.

Cashbee

1:45 PM

@SQB Saint-bernards are a swiss stereotype? TIL

SQB

To me (non-Swiss) they are, as rescue dogs in the mountains.

Cashbee

I thought you meant the San Bernardino tunnel at first :)

SQB

"The St Bernard Dog: A Swiss Cultural Symbol"

It's not just me.

Cashbee

I have never seen one in person :X

but I don't live in the mountainous part

it's just hilly here :D

SQB

There are non-mountainous parts to Switzerland? Being Dutch, I find that unbelievable.

Cashbee

1:50 PM

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Yeah, well... We call that a mountain :P

SQB

Pretty much.

Cashbee

yeah... no..

in the background yes. but that is far away

Tinkeringbell

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaalserberg Calls it a hill, but 'berg' translates as mountain

Cashbee

>.<

yeah many hills here are called XXberg here too. such nonsense

I love the fact that much of netherlands land is below sealevel :D

Tinkeringbell

1:55 PM

It's fun ;)

Cashbee

it's unimaginable at first

then its sad when you realize that the sealevel will rise in the future :(

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee I still get impressed everytime we cross the Afsluitdijk by car :)

Cashbee

higher dunes?

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee dikes.

Higher dikes ;)

Cashbee

oops yes i meant that. sloppy translation..

i think?

Tinkeringbell

1:58 PM

@Cashbee Dunes are naturally, next to the sea. Dikes are made, water pumped out of the enclosed area and that's how you get new land ;)

Cashbee

dijk = Deich in german, but I never knew there was a difference between "Deich" and "Teich" (small pond)

Tinkeringbell

Cashbee

i though deich was just a different pronounciation

from some strange germans

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Hahaha ;)

Magisch

Time to see how our SMTP server likes sending out 80k gdpr compliance emails

Cashbee

2:01 PM

@Magisch RIP my mail inbox. stupid gdpr compliance.

@Magisch waaaaait, changed your username back?

Magisch

yah

@Cashbee We're anticipating a response rate between 2 and 10%

Cashbee

@Magisch people respond to that? wow

rip your inbox then xD

Magisch

@Cashbee For our other mailing list it was actually quite high

We were anticipating around 10% but of the 1600 emails we sent out we got almost 1400 answers

This is business to business contacts though

most of them were vendors very keen on keeping our business

Cashbee

ah, well for b2b I can understand that you want to know the smallest details of any legal agreement

still, 1400 out of 1600 seems absurdely high

Magisch

I'm not a lawyer so my game plan on this has been frustrating and slow

Cashbee

2:07 PM

you were pushed into that role half a year ago, right?

Magisch

nah, mid march

:p

officially, anyways

I've known since sometime february

Cashbee

yeah, that's half a year ago in my sense of time

Cronax

you have an interesting definition of 'half a year'

Cashbee

@Cronax remember last month when you told me I should watch code geass? :D

Cronax

`@Cashbee I remember it like it was yesterday :D

Cashbee

2:14 PM

rofl

Imus

So this question from earlier actually got closed now https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/14885/how-to-mend-relations-with-someone-i-realize-i-have-been-mean-to-for-four-years?noredirect=1#comment60371_14885
Is that really still the case after my edit? (made to clear up what the question was in the first place after discussion here)

Cashbee

@Imus IMO the question is perfectly fine like that

Imus

What I thought too, but I wasn't sure how hard we should punish "opinion based answers" on this site since I'm still somewhat new here. But I'd say that if a question like this isn't allowed and questions like "how to word this" there's not that much left to ask besides "what is the proper etiquette for X" but even that gets discussed about :p

Ofcourse I'm exagerating here :) But my point remains that I'd like to know why this specific question is seen as "will only generate opnion based only answers".

Snow

Just dropping by to congratulate @Tinkeringbell on her recent moderatorship : Congratulations on your recent moderatorship, TinkeringBell!

Extroverted Main Man

2:30 PM

0

Q: Long-Term Relationship and 'a specific hobby'

I've been a part of a happy long-term relationship over the past 4-5 years, and we've been engaged for some of that. The relationship started when I moved to a new town, so I left a lot of my life behind, including a certain hobby. We're currently pretty settled, we have a few pets and live toget...

relationships conflicts argument activities

Cashbee

@Imus 3 of the close votes were cast before your edit IIRC. For the remaining two, I would love to know the reason too

Imus

Same here :) I'm voting to reopen and assume the last 2 didn't put too much thought into it. If you see 4 votes and skim the question you can guess it's a good reason to close probably ...

Cashbee

This question seems to be asking about relationship advice. Interpersonal Skills alone aren't likely going to be able to mend relationships, so therefore every answer is going to have a degree of opinion on how to do that. I'm voting to close. — Clay07g 3 hours ago

there is the reason of the last voter

Imus

Well yes, that's what he copy-pasted. But is that really appropriate here?

Cashbee

is it copy pasted?

Imus

2:36 PM

Ok maybe not, but he specifically wrote "mend relationships" which points more to what it was before my edit

Tinkeringbell

@Snow Have people been gossiping over there? Good luck to you too, I noticed you're running for moderator on TWP ;)

Cashbee

"mend relationship" is in the title ;)

but no I don't think it is true

Imus

Someone else here that disagrees with us here and wants to provide a constructive argument on why it should stay closed?

Cronax

I would bet money that this question was made by a Magic:the Gathering player

or at the very least something similar

Snow

@Tinkeringbell Nope. Mr Positive told me, he happened to notice and told me. Yes, I'm running for a moderator slot, among many others.

Cronax

2:39 PM

(sorry if it's not clear I'm talking about the 'specific hobby' question

Cashbee

@Cronax it was to me 😉 it's what I thought too xD

Imus

The timing was a bit confusing but it's easy to guess that you were talking about that question Cronax :)

Cashbee

my SO wants to learn magic <3

Snow

Does this guy have a "particular set of skills" that enables him to partake in his "specific hobby", I wonder.

Cronax

I'm generally amazed how spouses can begrudge eachother their hobbies, expensive or not, while at the same time feeling fully justified in spending equal or larger amounts of money on their own personal things

the worst I saw was a couple where the woman would spend hundreds of euros on clothing/shoes etc every month and the man would get the stinkeye if he bought a few packs

Snow

2:41 PM

I do Lego, my partner does Facebook.

Sid

@Cashbee Make them watch some videos on magic?

Cashbee

@Sid I can teach her myself ;)

Cronax

meh, when it comes to Magic there's no substitute for playing yourself

I mean, how else are you going to get addicted to the smell of fresh cardboard >.>

Cashbee

I've already made a huge list of keywords in english and german and their meaning

Tinkeringbell

@Snow I'm amazed Richard didn't spread the news ;-) but thanks, I was just teasing about the gossip :) good luck! At least your chances on TWP are bigger than on SO for example... I think when I saw that election there were more nominees ;)

Cashbee

2:44 PM

@Cronax In fact after readin git again, it has to be about magic. If it is, why would you not disclose that?

Snow

There's seven nominees right now, and thanks for your best wishes. And no, there's little talk of IPS these days (for which I'm thankful, it went far too far).

Imus

Congratz Tinkeringbell! Does that mean I have a moderator friend now? ;) (based on how you welcomed me into chat here yesterday-ish?)

Cronax

@Cashbee I guess they still feel the social stigma that the game had in times past

Imus

(Might have been last week. I can't remember when I started in chat XD)

@Cashbee Given how negative their SO responded to them I can understand why they wouldn't throw it out here

Cronax

yeah, the SO in the question is a good example of how the hobby still carries a strong stigma in some circles

Cashbee

2:47 PM

@Imus makes sense. He must fear similar negative reactions here

Cronax

to me it seems insane, who cares what your SO's hobby is, you love them don't you? At the most extreme you might decide on a budget each of you get each month to spend on whatever you like

but like I said earlier, somehow when it comes to a hobby like MTG or videogames for that matter, suddenly it's not a valid hobby

shrug

Cashbee

ooh the queue question has hit HNQ. rep cap here I come

> it's a competitive card game which I wouldn't need to spend money to return to, as I still have my old decks

yuppp

IPS Comment Bot

+1 for "call them out to their superiors". If you can get the boss on your side, and s/he will talk to the clerks, who then will have to listen. The clerks just want to get through their day; but the boss will (hopefully) be more inclined to listen to your concerns and special requirements. Once I had a clerk blow me off without seriously helping me; I found his boss and we went back to him together. You should have seen the terrified look on his face. — Jennifer 442 12 secs ago

#8438 Jennifer 442 (1298 rep) | A: How to react to clerks mocking me in the grocery store? (score: 2) | posted 149 days ago by John Davis (256 rep) | edited 149 days ago by John Davis (256 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["+1"]

Cronax

@Cashbee I didn't have a chance to check out the queueing question yet, but you now have my upboat :D

Cashbee

@Cronax upboats are the best boats

Imus

2:54 PM

This @Clay07g likes closing questions it seems :p

Cashbee

I can understand that, since some of my answer is quoted from you :D

Cronax

Oh man, every time I see a question asked by someone from India it makes me angry, whether on this stack or on the workplace

the Indian culture just makes no sense to me at all

how some things can be socially acceptable...I'll never understand it

Sid

@Cronax Hmm, which part of it?

Cronax

take this question: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/14886/…

Cashbee

@Cronax just a notice, this sentence could be read as rude/hostile

Cronax

2:57 PM

yeah I tried to word it as best I can @Cashbee

Sid

@Cronax Okay?

What doesn't make sense there?

Cronax

it's not the people that ask the question I have a problem with, but the things it makes apparent

Cashbee

@Cronax Oh i understood you well and I also saw you meant no harm or anything. i was just saying, watch what you say ;)

Cronax

the impression I get from the OP is that it's very normal that a woman has to stay quiet when a man keeps violating her personal space or even touching her, just because that's his habit and he's from a different place

Imus

I would've worded it as "amazes me". In the sense that I don't understand why some trivial things for us are blown up to be such a big deal in that culture

Cronax

2:59 PM

@Imus it's actually the other way around in this sort of cases

things that are clearly unacceptable in other parts of the world (including mine) are somehow commonplace there

Imus

probably both depending on which example you're looking at

Cronax

the caste system makes me especially angry, but that's not worth discussing here

Sid

@Cronax Oh, that makes a lot of us angry here. You're not the only one.

@Cronax That's not necessarily true. I think the OP was asking how to take it up with him without making a public scene out of it.

Imus

I would even bet on either "everyone angry" with the exception of those that don't know about it at all

Cronax

but on a more constructive note, this relates directly to the question I linked, I'm not sure how to handle it. bluntly put, the solution is the same as the question marked as duplicate, the only reason it's not working is because the other party is ignoring it and she doesn't want to make a scene....

Cashbee

3:02 PM

@Imus and those on the upper side of the caste system

Sid

@Cashbee That's not necessarily true either.

To be fair, the caste system is grossly misunderstood in the West.

Cronax

normally I would answer 'your premisis is wrong, you should absolutely make a scene when someone keeps violating your body'

@Sid I worked with a coworker from India who hadn't lived there for a decade but still she was deathly afraid to break any of the 'rules' placed on her caste, which was on the lower end of the scale

Sid

@Cronax Like?

Cronax

she was a wonderful person, it was painful to me to see herself mistreat herself so

restrictions on what she could eat, restrictions on how to interact with others

Sid

Huh? That's a thing? Apparently, I don't know about such types of restrictions either..

Cashbee

3:05 PM

@Sid that is true, I don't know much about it.

Cronax

I'm sorry for the inappropriate venting, I am very sensitive to things I perceive as injustice

Sid

I have interacted with people on both ends of the spectrum and these days, there isn't as many restrictions, I think. Maybe, my view is clouded because I have hardly talked to people in rural areas..

Cashbee

@Sid where do you/would you place yourself on that spectrum if you don't mind me asking?

Sid

The Caste system was originally created on basis of who does what work. In Later years, it's turned into more of a "You are born with it" thing.

And people just complain but are hesitant to do anything.

@Cashbee It depends. If you are talking economically, middle. If you are talking what I was born with, then, upper class.

And contrary to popular belief, the Upper Caste people don't go about discriminating against the lower castes. It's just that the mindset is so rooted that it's hard to change anything

Cashbee

TIL, thx. gotta go now cya

Clay07g

3:12 PM

@Imus There have been a few big pushes to cleaning and refocusing the site. I certainly can't close questions alone :)

Cronax

@Sid That's an interesting statement. I'm sure there's no intention to discriminate but when one is adhering to the mindset of 'person x is in caste y and therefore better than person a from caste b' is that not inherently discrimination?

replace 'better' with 'more entitled to something' or whatever is applicable

I will admit that my judgement is coloured by having interacted with members of higher castes working in IT, who quite clearly (through their words and deeds) felt superior to others

I hope they are the exception rather than the rule, but that is the limit of my experience

Sid

@Cronax Ah, that's the flaw. It's actually the lower caste people that think that and the higher caste don't intend to change that. Because of the discrimination faced in history, they have kinda developed this mindset they can't be "better" than X. Of course, that's a very generalized statement and it's not always true.

Hell, our current President and Prime Minister are people of Lower Caste.

Cronax

I see, that makes sense

perhaps this is a case of ex-pats not being 'up-to-date' on the cultural shifts that occurred back home

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: Relationship with alcoholic cross country?

I am struggling to figure out how to have a productive relationship with a friend struggling with alcoholism cross country. We were both part of a large and strong friend group in college. After college, the group scattered across the country. In general, the group communicates occasionally but ...

friends how-to-help substance-abuse

Introverted Meta Man.

3:45 PM

0

Q: How is "How to Help" not a "What Should I Do" question?

We have a tag how-to-help which currently has 36 open questions (9 closed). We also just added an official close reason for questions asking "What should I do?" This seems to have a lot of potential for confusion: on one hand, users see the tag and will assume that means it's on topic; on the o...

discussion scope specific-tag

IPS Comment Bot

3:57 PM

+1 for don't give them ammunition. As a general rule, never attempt to justify your yes or no (particularly your no). That just leads to a debate, with the expectation that if they make a point, and you are unable to refute it, well then, that settles it, now you have to go (or buy the product, or whatever). My inability to refute your point or explain why/why not is not your cue to assume you've won and that I now have to do as you want. And if all else fails, say you will and then don't, and after the fact, don't apologize. — Jennifer 442 19 secs ago

#11929 Jennifer 442 (1298 rep) | A: How to convince people I don't want to attend an event? (score: 2) | posted 69 days ago by Monica Cellio (13011 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["+1"]

Cashbee

4:44 PM

Where has the close reason "not about IPS" gone? I just wanted to vtc this one and couldn't find it anymore. (also, no it's not a should-I question IMO! this is being discussed now here

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Once we start implementing custom reasons, the 'default' reason disappears as an option. We now trust you to know enough about this site to leave a comment ;)

If you have to type the same thing over and over too often, you can ask for another custom close reason ;)

Imus

@Clay07g Based on your latest reply on this question https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/14885/how-to-mend-relations-with-someone-i-realize-i-have-been-mean-to-for-four-years?noredirect=1#comment60411_14885
I'm wondering what you see as an interpersonal skill.

Imus

5:08 PM

That question clearly reads (at least to me) as: When you have forced someone to put up a barrier between you 2 and you came to the insight that you've been behaving wrong. How can you communicate to them that you've come to this insight and that those barriers are no longer required?
Where the top respons is to still respect those barriers and not force an interaction until your "victim" is ready to talk to you again.

realising when not to force things and respect the barrier someone put up sounds like a good interpersonal skill to me.

Cashbee

@Tinkeringbell spagirl left a good comment already, but i don't know what option to check for VTC. none seems to match...

Clay07g

I would concede that the answer was a good take on an interpersonal skill. Ironically, when you make the question more focused and specific, the less the top answer actually.... answers it.

@Imus So when the asker asks "what should I do?", the top answer is a legit answer to a question that is off topic.

But when the asker asks "How do I communicate [X]", assuming it's not broad, the answer kind of says "well, don't, do this instead"

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Didn't Spagirl pick off-topic - other?

Then you can choose her reason if you click that too ;)

Cashbee

@Tinkeringbell no she didnt

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Hmmm.. You should always check off-topic/other and then you can leave your own comment in the box, if there isn't one yet ;)

Only pick 'what should I do' if it's a 'what should I do' question

Imus

5:15 PM

the answer is more: "you shouldn't, and here's why"

or more specifically: "you shouldn't YET, and here's why"

Cashbee

@Tinkeringbell yeah, I guess I knew that. I was just confused by the lack of a simple this-is-net-IPS reason

Clay07g

@Imus Either way, the poster was not asking about barrier respect and timing. I'm just trying to explain why I voted the way I did. I'm not saying there aren't other interpretations, and I'm certainly not challenging them.

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Hmmm.. Yeah, well, in cases like 'how to write this code' or something, you could always type that in the box... but be sure you're not just writing 'I'm voting to close this as off-topic because it's off-topic' :P

Imus

Well we had a discussion about it earlier in chat here. If you're in such a situation and don't know any reasonable option. How can you ask how to do a specific one in the first place?

Tinkeringbell

@Imus If you're coding and you don't know what language to use, you don't go on SO asking which language to use for it?

Imus

5:18 PM

Isn't it entirely ON topic to ask what those options are (maybe multiple are aplicable) so you can at least choose the most apropriate one in your situation based on the new information given to you?

Clay07g

Perhaps a good analogy would be programming. Many of us here come from StackOverflow

So when you are in a situation to make something, you may not have a specific coding question

Tinkeringbell

@Imus It may be entire on-topic, but it also makes for a very bad subjective question...

Clay07g

But you can always go to Software Engineering Stack Exchange and maybe pose a design question that better fits, "out of these options, what do I do?"

Then once you start, you may have implementation questions fit for Stack Overflow

And then once your done, you can post your work to Code Review SE

All 3 are about coding

But each SE would consider certain coding questions way off topic

Interpersonal Skills are similar. Even grander in scale, since interpersonal communication is something you do pretty much all day every day.

So if you just allow any question that involves interpersonal communication, then basically we would never be able to close questions that mention more than a single person.

This specific question is, admittedly, borderline. But that's just my logic.

Imus

Well when checking what's on topic here interpersonal.stackexchange.com/help/on-topic I'd say this specific question clearly falls under using or understanding interpersonal interactions to resolve specific problems. Where the specific problem is how convey you're sorry for being a bully for 4 years. And checking interpersonal.stackexchange.com/help/dont-ask I can only see a bit of difficulty in having actual experience in this specific situation

Cashbee

@Clay07g then what is the tag approach for?

Clay07g

5:27 PM

@Cashbee Unfortunately, pretty much anything if you're slightly creative. Would be similar to a "programming" tag on SO.

The only specific use-case I can think of is listing off a few approach options and asking which one will be best to accomplish goals. But going no further.

Imus

That would be a "what should I do" question which is offtopic ..

Introverted Meta Man.

0

Q: What are those "Interpersonal Skill" thingies?

I can't seem to find a solid definition of "Interpersonal Skills" anywhere on the site (if I'm wrong, please drop a comment!). I've seen complaints that we delete everything except answers asking the user to be patient and have a conversation, but I've also seen controversial answers like this o...

discussion scope answers

Cashbee

the pproach is here for situations where OP knows the goal but does not know how to get there.

Clay07g

@Cashbee Sounds like the definition of a "what to do" question

Imus

No, it's a "What CAN I do"

Cashbee

5:32 PM

@Clay07g nope, more liek "How can I achieve X?"

Clay07g

@Imus Could be focused to compare the strengths and weaknesses of each approach. As long as the scope is limited, very limited.

"What can I do", "what should I do"

If making a question on-topic was as simple as changing a word

Cashbee

@Clay07g also the whole meaning of the sentence, yes

Clay07g

@Cashbee At what point is it too broad? I can probably list 20 options off the top of my head for any "what can I do" question.

Most of them non-IPS, of course, but that's exactly what the policies are attempting to curb

Cashbee

35

Q: How can I be more persuasive when assuring people that I am perfectly fine and healthy?

For most of my life, I have had problems keeping up with eating "normal" amounts of food at meals. I feel full way faster than many friends. I still eat enough, as I am not even considered underweight by official definition (it's close, though). I feel fine and healthy, and I have come to terms w...

approach eating switzerland physical-health persuasion

read that

I knew my goals, but didnt know how to get there. Do you think this question i stoo broad or off topic?

Clay07g

You knew what you wanted to do. You wanted to be more assuring to those around you. The top answer gives you things to talk about and what to say to achieve that. The approach was already stated in the question, or assumed to be covered.

An "approach" sounds more like "should I send an email or make a phone call"

Should I interrupt them at dinner or call them later?

The definition of the tag

Defines pretty much every question on the site

Cashbee

5:38 PM

nope not at all

let's agree to disagree, I have to go, cya

Clay07g

Yeah, good idea

Imus

sorry, had a phone call. I don't think "agreeing to disagree" is a valid solution here. If we can't figure out whether or not a certain question is on topic, how would the average user be able to?

I'm trying to figure out why you are so strong in denying this specific question as a valid one. Currently rereading what's been said in the last 10 minutes. I'll try rewording my concern if possible to see if I should reconsider what I think is on topic on this site

Clay07g

@Imus Last week or so I was asking here about the possibility of adding common places to read about various interpersonal skills and their uses.

to give the idea of what an interpersonal skill is, you know, by example

Such as body language techniques

I told you I'm not trying to say you're objectively wrong. I just don't particularly agree or see it that way.

That's why SE is ran on votes

This comment: interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/3011/…

Is a decent summary of the thought process I go through when voting on both questions and answers

Imus

(quick off topic question: how do you link comments here? I didn't figure that out yet, am I overlooking a button?)

Clay07g

@Imus If you click the timestamp it will put your browser address to that comment

You can copy/paste it from there. At least, that's how I did it

Imus

5:53 PM

aha, thanks :)

Well on this case based on your comment. Isn't this specific question: "What skill is applicable here and how to apply that?"

Tinkeringbell

> Based on a thorough multidisciplinary review of the IPS literature (e.g., management, healthcare, military, etc.), Klein and colleagues (2006) defined IPS as an “umbrella term” that refers to “goaldirected behaviors, including communication and relationship-building competencies, employed in interpersonal interaction episodes characterized by complex perceptual and cognitive processes, dynamic verbal and nonverbal interaction exchanges, diverse roles, motivations, and expectancies”

Clay07g

Maybe, but that just feels broad.

Imus

Just to clarify: I'm not trying to prove you wrong either, or get you to say I'm right. I'm trying to better understand what is on topic on this site, and I think discussing edge cases is a good place to start :)

If I'm getting on your nerves doing so, feel free to ask me to stop pestering you about this question

Clay07g

It's not easy to explain. Very few Stack Exchanges are this.... broad.

I'm trying to figure it out myself

Imus

Is it really that broad? There's 2 main aproaches I see on that question. The top answer to give space. And find a gentle way to ask if you can apologise

Imus

6:40 PM

@Clay07g Looks like we're both stuck at this point so I'm willing to stop the discussion here. If you still want to point something out feel free to do so. Thanks anyway for taking the time to try to explain me your reasoning :)

Clay07g

@Imus You as well.

Spagirl

6:58 PM

Anyone having issues accessing IPS via the phone app? I can acces all my other SEs but IPS comes up ‘Request failed tap to retry’

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