The Awkward Silence

Anne Daunted

3:00 PM

@Mithrandir Does it help if several people raise mod flags?

Mithrandir

Meh

It can't hurt

JAD

is it just me or is the VLQ flag option gone?

Mithrandir

Age and score will remove it.

JAD

ah

uh, I just tried it on a 4 hours old post, still no option

Only got the option with score <= 0

That's not how it was, was it?

Mithrandir

Yes, it was.

It's always only been available on posts scored 0 or under.

Extroverted Main Man

3:13 PM

0

Q: How to dress up a girl with a non-traditional sexual orientation for graduation party

My cousin with her daughter live in USA. The daughter is in the final year of school. 3-4 years ago, she announced to her parents about her unconventional sexual orientation. Grandparents (the conservative, traditional generation) do not know about this. Categorically does not want to wear a long...

Mithrandir

@ExtrovertedMainMan POB

JAD

borderline offtopic

Mithrandir

@AnneDaunted voting to leave open - etiquette question, doesn't seem too broad to me

Anne Daunted

@Mithrandir It doesn't have the etiquette tag. And they are asking three different questions at once.

Isn't that the definition of too broad? " Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once."

Mithrandir

3:39 PM

@AnneDaunted those three questions were all actually one question, just tautologized

Hmm, apparently that's actually a real word. Heh.

Anne Daunted

I disagree

"Have you had any experience on the perception of flowers as a gift among feminists? Are we over-thinking this? Do you think it is an appropriate present?"

1) experience, 2) are we over-thinking, 3) appropriate

Mithrandir

Yeah, that's asking for 1.) backup 2.) reassurance 3.) the actual question

Anne Daunted

Not exactly

With three questions, you could write 3 different (on topic) answers

1) just share your experiences (only answers question 1)

2) Yes/No (answers question 2, primarily opinion-based)

3) A somwhat fitting answer for IPS.SE

Mithrandir

Anyway. I've edited it to just ask if it's appropriate.

Anne Daunted

And the OP is okay with it?

Mithrandir

3:50 PM

Why not? It's still the same question...

Or at least, it's the same question but in a way that's more fit for IPS.

Anne Daunted

The question may hold the record for the one with the highest number of short answers

I wonder why...

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Written before we started seriously culling stuff :P

Tinkeringbell

4:04 PM

interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/10649/1599 anyone else think this can be saved when focusing on the etiquette of what to wear to a graduation and the options available to a female that doesn't want to wear a dress?

Anne Daunted

@Tinkeringbell Yes, if the OP is fine with it

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted I think their last comment suggests they may be... But I agree with apauls comment that we need to know the sexual orientation first, since that will influence answers.

So I'm not going to start editing until that is provided, to avoid it being reopened without that being provided..

Also, I'm curious whether this really is a matter of sexual orientation or perceived gender

Anne Daunted

And why the answer is not simply Photoshop

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Ohhh... genius, but I don't think that if they've pushed it so far as not to want to wear a dress for graduation but a men's suit (not even a female suit), they're not going to accept photoshop ;)

Anne Daunted

Maybe we need more info about the cultural background? The OP just said that father and daughter live in the USA.

Tinkeringbell

4:15 PM

@AnneDaunted You can always ask whether it's safe to assume the grandparents are Americans as well ;) But having seen the reactions, I believe they're already pretty impatient and might not react well..

Anne Daunted

Volunteering to provide help and then asking for the necessary info - how dare we?

2

apaul

@Tinkeringbell very much depends on the meaning of "unconventional"

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Your comment has some upvotes, and I believe that also stemmed the flow of reopen votes. If not, meta it is!

apaul

In any case I'm pretty sure the answer will be a "Don't because..."

sphennings

There's no fashion advice that will resolve inter-generational differences about what is considered acceptable gendered clothing.

Tinkeringbell

4:26 PM

@apaul I think I wrote an answer once about not getting in the middle of such stuff.... If it get's reopened, I am so going to copy paste that..

Maybe I'll get another 100 upvotes again :P

apaul

@Tinkeringbell I'll pretty definitely downvote a copy paste answer ;)

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Oh, I'll edit it a little of course, to be applicable to the situation :P

sphennings

@apaul If it answers the question I don't see why that's a problem

@Tinkeringbell Personally I think it's worth getting involved in that fight and supporting the cousin in wearing whatever they want to.

Anne Daunted

"What about the cultural background - natives of the former USSR, educated, intelligent people with deeply traditional morality"

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted We still don't know the sexual orientation

apaul

4:29 PM

@sphennings Eh, poor taste?

sphennings

It doesn't matter.

I'd hazard a guess that it's a gender identity rather than a sexual orientation.

Anne Daunted

My guess is that the OP doesn't know either

apaul

@sphennings Could be the case, but not necessarily.

sphennings

I also don't see why a cis het women should need to wear a dress to prom either.

apaul

@AnneDaunted Probably.

IPS Comment Bot

4:35 PM

Dear girls, I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining the relationship in the family, why do I participate in this discussion (because I have no one left with this branch of the family), what is my role (the role of a loving older brother who always helped with advice), what should the mother do, what cultural background - and stuff, stuff. No one asks you to discuss how to tell your grandparents how not to offend the child (the child lives with a loving and respectful father). What just can not advise brands, models, cut (with links), corresponding to the current situation and event? — Alex_Krug 29 secs ago

#10649 Alex_Krug (95 rep) | Q: How to dress up a girl with a non-traditional sexual orientation for graduation party (score: -4) | posted 1 hours ago by Alex_Krug (95 rep) | edited 33 minutes ago by Alex_Krug (95 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["possible-aic"]

Tinkeringbell

4:49 PM

@sphennings I dunno about prom, but I wore a suit to my Master's graduation and it was okay

@IPSCommentBot well, that's one less question to worry about

(but I must admit that was for medical reasons)

apaul

5:06 PM

Rude.

Tinkeringbell

What? Me rude? Or OP rude?

apaul

OP lol

"You should set aside a space for wildly off topic questions"

Anyone have some delete votes to throw on that?

Tinkeringbell

Oh, good! I wasn't following the discussion so didn't notice that one

apaul

9

Q: Is asking about appropriate dress for a situation on-topic here?

There's already a question about whether wearing white at a wedding is only taboo in the US, that is not closed, but is this true generally?

discussion scope

Tinkeringbell

@apaul This wasn't on etiquette though, but on a list of clothing suggestions... Even a kilt would have been a valid answer

apaul

5:21 PM

@Tinkeringbell "Fashion choices are not on topic, but established etiquette is…"

Basically explaining why the question is wildly off topic.

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Oh... Yeah if you read it like that :)

Catija

There's a huge difference between asking "what sort of clothes are appropriate to wear to a prom?" And "What's a type of dress I can force my niece to wear to her prom to assuage my parents despite her wish to wear a suit?"

Extroverted Main Man

5:40 PM

2

Q: Loosing interest in girl I date because too slow dating

I am currently dating a girl (19) which i (21) really like. She really does look good and has a great character. And one thing, I actually at first really liked is turning kinda sour for me right now. She, as we all, had bad experiences because she went into a relationship too fast, and therefor...

relationships conflict-aversion

sphennings

Why do we have conflict-aversion as a tag? A large part of interacting with humans is resolving and managing conflict. Sometimes conflict is the correct response to a situation.

Tinkeringbell

@ExtrovertedMainMan Am I the only person that thinks cuddling is enough for date 5 up until something like being engaged?... Seriously, who has sex five weeks after meeting someone :/

@sphennings then we can write 'don't try and avoid conflict'

Mithrandir

^that is a frame challenge

Catija

@Tinkeringbell Depends on how frequently you see them... If you see them once a week... that's one thing... if you see them every day for those five weeks... that's another.

Mithrandir

Yay for using every singe character possible in a comment? o_o

sphennings

5:51 PM

@Tinkeringbell Not to knock cuddling. I feel that cuddling is an important part of all my dates. Some people want more than cuddling out of a partner. I know that personally sexual compatibility is an important factor in me deciding to date someone long term.

Tinkeringbell

@sphennings I'm probably just old fashioned then... I'd really like to know I can trust someone before I go that far, and five weeks sure isn't going to cover that...

But apparently I misinterpreted the question...

sphennings

@Tinkeringbell It's your choice to make and I support you in making it.

Anne Daunted

It seems that the OP wants to see her more often, not necessarily more physical contact sooner

I don't want to nitpick but I wished some people would put a bit more effort into their questions (and answers).

Rory Alsop

6:06 PM

@Tinkeringbell erm... well I've been married for 20 years so I'm not current with dating mores, but back then - 5 weeks is an eternity

Don't think any of my girlfriends ever waited that long

Catija

Lose... the word is "lose"... "Loose" is how you describe your clothes after you shed 40 pounds.

Anne Daunted

@Catija Maybe it's wearing him out

Eminem - Lose Yourself [HD]

►

Tinkeringbell

6:24 PM

@RoryAlsop guess I've never been really in love then ;)

Anne Daunted

And no one ever really broke your heart?

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted oh I sure was disappointed when I had to break up because of the kids thing

Don't know if I'd go as far as to call it heartbroken though..

If it was, it's nothing like in the movies

Anne Daunted

It rarely is

Anne Daunted

6:42 PM

Is this

9

Q: Persuading people of my usefulness

Although I am more experienced than others in some field (Programming and Electronics, but that's not so relevant to the question), I am never given the opportunity to show my worth. The "people" and "others" I am referring to are friends of mine. I doubt it is because I constantly say "I am bet...

friends

too broad?

And this

11

Q: Dealing with criticism of my mispronunciation of words

I learned a lot of higher level vocabulary words from reading books, as opposed to hearing people say them. This however leads to situations where I will pronounce a word based on the way I understand it, rather than the way it is generally pronounced. Some acquaintances of mine (friends, classm...

conversations acquaintances speaking

off topic?

"However, there's always that awkward feeling that I don't know how to speak English. How should I respond to such criticism so that feeling doesn't come up?"

Sounds like an intrapersonal problem.

Rory Alsop

@Tinkeringbell think I only have thought I was in love 3 times and actually in love twice

Mithrandir

7:24 PM

> How should I respond to such criticism so that feeling doesn't come up?

That sounds interpersonal...

sphennings

@Mithrandir "How to respond to x?" sounds interpersonal but "so that I don't feel x is a intrapersonal requirement" that we can't really address.

Mithrandir

Well, that's their goal.

sphennings

Which is what makes the question actually an intrapersonal question.

@Mithrandir How do I express my disagreement with you without feeling an overwhelming sense of self doubt?

While that question is branded as one that is about interpersonal skills it isn't actually about interpersonal skills. It's about me and my self doubt.

Mithrandir

7:39 PM

Hmm, I see your point.

Peter

8:09 PM

I have a small question, someone said in the question I made interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10621/… that it belongs in Intersexual Skills Stack Exchange, however I can not find such a stack, could someone clarify what this person means :)

Catija

There's no such thing. It's a stupid joke comment and I've removed it.

Peter

Okay thank you, I was quite confused by this joke

Catija

Sorry for the confusion :)

Peter

No problem

Tinkeringbell

@Peter If you get any more crap, let us know. We can flag stuff too, if enough people do that you won't even need a mod ;)

Peter

8:14 PM

I'll let you guys know if more 'crap' shows up :)

IPS Comment Bot

If you say "What are you doing this evening? I don't have anything to do today." and she responds with something like "I'll probably be watching TV", don't assume that's her declining the question you haven't asked yet, she may just be saying she doesn't have much planned - it's not unreasonable to follow that up with "Do you want to hang out?" or whatever. — NotThatGuy 1 min ago

#10654 NotThatGuy (1913 rep) | Q: Losing interest in girl I date because too slow dating (score: 6) | posted 2 hours ago by MansNotHot (887 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by Catija (9374 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["possible-aic"]

NotThatGuy

8:30 PM

It might've been an answer to some variant of the question, but not to the question as asked. It might also have been too chatty, but at least give OP a chance to read it...

Magisch

8:45 PM

@Tinkeringbell Tbh most people I know expect people to put out by the second date at the latest or assume the other person isn't interested / is stringing them along for free food

Catija

@Magisch Woah... that seems... a bit much to me. Y'all kids are a lot more free with your... attentions. :D

Magisch

"Kids"

I'm 23

Catija

I'm almost 36...

Magisch

But yeah, it's gotten pretty fast these days. Especially since tinder exists now, so if you're not hideous you don't need to date for casual hookups

NotThatGuy

Also if your social skills aren't hideous.

Magisch

8:49 PM

I don't date or use tinder, but from what my friends tell me very few social skills are involved in hooking up via tinder

NotThatGuy

I haven't tried Tinder, but I assume you at least have to have some skill at flirting, keeping the conversation going and reading signs.

... if you're a guy

Catija

Isn't Tinder just based on looking hot?

Magisch

mostly yeah

if you're female and not hideous you can have a casual hookup every day if you so please

As a result traditional courting has lost its appeal to many young people. This generation has more instant gratification and instant feedback then any other. Long drawn out processes are seen as a waste of time

Catija

As long as they're being safe...

sphennings

@Magisch If you're female there's more to it than just being attractive.

There's a difference between having someone who you could hook up with and someone you want to hook up with.

Magisch

8:54 PM

Of course

NotThatGuy

@sphennings Depends what you're after. For a casual hookup you pretty much just need to be attractive (and not a completely detestable person... maybe). But that's not to say that will work with any guy.

Magisch

If you hook up with them and then never see them again their personality isn't really that important

sphennings

@Magisch You still want to hook up with someone who is going to be attractive and good in bed.

Magisch

can you predict that based on text chats though?

tbh I have no idea I'm asexual so the whole "good in bed" thing makes no sense to me and I have no concept of it

sphennings

@Magisch You can get an idea whether you want to waste your time on a date or not.

@Magisch It's not perfect filtering but it's similar to how if you're looking to hire for a position you don't interview everyone who submits a resume. In a lot of cases you can tell that people are not likely going to be a good fit for the position based on how they present themselves.

Magisch

9:08 PM

interesting

NotThatGuy

@sphennings I'm sure there are plenty of guys who wouldn't care much for such things though. I think the point was that it would be easy to find an (attractive / well-hung / whatever) guy to hookup with, not that you could hook up with any guy.

sphennings

@NotThatGuy But we're talking about women on dating sites having a filtering problem.

@NotThatGuy It's easy to find a guy who will say "yes" it's much harder to find a guy who is worth hooking up with to say "yes".

Anne Daunted

@sphennings You mean it's likely they would say "Not that guy!"?

sphennings

Lol

NotThatGuy

:)

Anne Daunted

9:17 PM

I digress, but my IPS reputation chart (profile, activity) looks strange

NotThatGuy

@sphennings We might be talking about different things then, but the bottom line is that dating is easier for women.

Anne Daunted

It dates back to 2015 and shows my rep progressing from 151 (prior to 2015) to 191 (between 2017 and 2018).

sphennings

@NotThatGuy I'd strongly disagree with that statement. From my ostensibly male perspective while it's harder for me to find someone who wants to date me than it is for a woman that's basically the end of my dating problems

NotThatGuy

@AnneDaunted I'm not saying I fixed it, but I did some stuff and now it looks better (at least from this side).

Anne Daunted

yes, indeed

thanks, @NotThatGuy !

How did you manage to do that?

NotThatGuy

9:24 PM

I went to the rep tab on your profile. Very strenuous, must rest now.

Anne Daunted

Would you have done it so quickly for a male user, too? ;-)

NotThatGuy

Maybe, maybe not...

Anne Daunted

Now I killed your discussion

Sorry for that

NotThatGuy

@sphennings I suppose it could be a matter of perspective (or I'm just an outlier). My biggest dating problems are problems that women seemingly just don't have, so from where I'm sitting the grass is bright green on the other side and this side only has dirt. I'll concur that they may have other problems though.

@AnneDaunted It's not dead, I just sometimes take long to get my thoughts into an order that makes sense...

sphennings

@NotThatGuy If you think the grass is greener on the other side I suggest you talk to your female friends about their perspective on dating before making the claim that women have it easier.

Anne Daunted

9:39 PM

Do unattractive women also have it easier than you do?

NotThatGuy

@sphennings All my imaginary [female] friends agree with me.

@sphennings I probably should've said "simpler" instead of "easier".

sphennings

@NotThatGuy I'd also disagree. Your only real concern is finding someone who will go out with you.

Get some real women as friends. It's just useful to have an idea of the perspective of 50% of the population.

NotThatGuy

@sphennings I tried networking to make some real friends, but none of my imaginary friends had real friends.

@AnneDaunted Me specifically or men in general? Depends how unattractive, probably, and whether they're looking for an attractive partner.

Mithrandir

What did I just walk in to?

NotThatGuy

@sphennings The problem for me is actually more about how men and women in general seem to interact with one another. I've had plenty of interest TYVM, but that doesn't help much if I can't communicate the way I'm supposed to.

sphennings

9:52 PM

What do you mean by "I can't communicate in the way I'm supposed to"?

NotThatGuy

Something about not knowing what to say most of the time and 95% of single women seemingly having even less to say than I do (and yes, I did take into account that they may not be interested). Or maybe that's part of the reason why they're single, I don't know.

@AnneDaunted Sorry. That probably sounded fairly insensitive.

user15026

10:22 PM

@NotThatGuy ....if this is how you think of women, this might be kind of the problem?

NotThatGuy

@Ash What do you mean how I think of women? I'm summarising my own experience of attempting to speak to them.

I try to ask interesting questions and follow-up questions and give interesting and insightful responses and mostly I have to actually ask a question to get back a response, and all I get back are one-sentence responses, and the occasional "and you?" (okay, maybe that conversation was worse than most, but still). And at that point I've run out of things to talk about so I just say "screw it" and move on.

NotThatGuy

10:43 PM

* open-ended questions

Extroverted Main Man

0

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