The Awkward Silence

@ExtrovertedMainMan Whenever I read such questions, I get a feeling that I am reading a pornographic story.

5:19 AM

@ExtrovertedMainMan "I felt sort of obligated to do so." - Why would anyone be obligated to have sex?

NVZ

5:30 AM

looks like i successfully reopened a deleted question. lol interpersonal.stackexchange.com/posts/8150/revisions

Catija

status-bydesign

@Sid, I distinctly remember 4 different girls (not bragging) in my life where I was pressured to have sex with them. Feeling obligated is certainly a thing, when you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.

I wasn't the OP of that question, btw :)

I guess? I still find it hard to believe. Maybe, it's down to different cultures..

Where are you from @Sid?

Probably is due to some cultural differences, I haven't considered that ...

India.

5:41 AM

Ah, nice

@D.Hutchinson Why is denying someone sex hurting other person's feelings?

because that person will make it known to you that you are ...

and you will feel horrible and guilty ... because you care about the other person ...

and thus you will likely have sex with her (or him), even though your heart's not really in it ...

I mean, both(if it is two) persons needs to be ready for it, no? I would assume your partner would respect your decisions.

at least from my experience, it's literally her saying, "I want to f--k now." So, respecting my decisions doesn't actually really happen, when the other person, for me, a female who feels she gets what she wants anytime, wants it right at that moment.

@D.Hutchinson your relationships weren't probably very ideal, I guess. But, i dunno. I have never faced such a situation. So, for all we know, it might be a world-wide issue

5:57 AM

@Sid, they were all very good looking too - and all had great qualities and were great catches. But yeah, not ideal in the sense that emotionally, we just didn't click.

@Sid I have been told, though, that my standards are (still is) too high

so, it's also maybe a fault of my own ... I dunno ...

@Sid, there's an answer to that question now, btw ...

:)

But, don't trust me too much. I can be too idealistic at times and I don't understand women for I have been reliably informed that I am too intimidating to most of them for some reason.

Sleeping with people you don't really want to is messed up for a lot of reasons. If you're worried about hurting feelings hopping into bed when you're less than thrilled is leading them on and likely to hurt them much more deeply. If you're likely to reject them eventually, it's better to do it before they've become that vulnerable with you.

@sid, physically intimidating? or like, by your social status?

@D.Hutchinson I am slim and only 1.7m. So, definitely not physically intimidating. I don't know why I am intimidating.

And I am pretty sure I am not in an aristocratic family.

@apaul, yes, so guess what I did with my last relationship? I kept it strictly platonic. I loved her and I know I wasn't planning on staying with her. I denied sex. Drama ensued. I ended the relationship with honesty and directness, though I really loved her -- and never felt a need to have sex with her for any sort of bragging rights (I've had plenty of sexual experiences). (She was a virgin.)

So, @apaul, I learned from painful lessons of the past, and guess what?

declining sex still lead to tons of vengeance and vindictive drama ...

so either way, either I'm "messed up" as you say, for having sex with them, or, I do the right thing but have to be ready for similar drama to occur to deal with and let it run its course ...

@apaul, I'm not sure there's a "best" way to handle it, to be honest ...

the best way is not dating at all ...

6:13 AM

Being rejected sucks regardless, but it usually sucks less when done early.

yeah, agreed @apaul ... but, as I had told Sid: when a girl is at my apartment, demanding sex, literally saying "I want to f--k now." it is a tough situation, if you care about her.

@D.Hutchinson so I ask a friend as to why I am intimidating and her answer was that I tend to be too quiet at times.

I don't quite understand why that makes me intimidating but as long as I don't face too much drama, I am not complaining.

@D.Hutchinson Like I'm as sex positive as anyone, probably a lot more than most, but it's good to honest and upfront about things. A little communication goes a long way in those cases. "I care about you, but we need to talk about this before things progress..."

@Sid Stoic quiet, or just introverted?

yeah, @apaul, I don't think I will ever be guilted into sex anymore, I think. those lessons were painful.

@apaul A bit of both, I guess? I don't identify completely as an introvert though.

6:22 AM

@D.Hutchinson They are. Been there, done that. That's why I try to help people avoid those things.

@Sid Most people fall somewhere in between.

I hear ya, @apaul ...

Stoicism can be a little intimidating for some people, because they don't know how you're feeling. Makes it harder to be vulnerable and show their emotions when they're unsure if it's a mutual feeling. Just a thought.

are you a deep thinker, @sid?

One of my former partners, and current friends, is very stoic. It's hard to break through her thinking to her feeling. It's a great defense mechanism, but it can make open communication a little harder.

@D.Hutchinson "deep thinker"?

I tend to overthink a lot if that's what you mean

6:36 AM

@Sid Do you overthink productively? Hamster on a wheel or really exploring an issue?

@apaul A bit of both actually. Maybe slightly more as a hamster on a wheel

@Sid That's relatable.

@Sid Sometimes if you explore an issue, out loud, with someone they'll feel a bit less intimidated. Exchanging ideas and feelings with other people may make you a little more relatable.

Then again... Being intimidating has its perks ;)

@sid do your friends think you're funny?

if so, can you achieve this kind of humor with women, too? or, do you freeze up?

@D.Hutchinson Nope. I am definitely not funny to my friends. I mean, everyone cracks an occasional joke and I am no exception but no, my friends don't think I am funny.

@apaul I don't like sharing my feelings with others. :/

@sid, it's worth working on your humor :)

sorry if that sounds preach-y

6:53 AM

@Sid It's worth doing with people who you want to be close to. To some extent you get what you give. If you're emotionally unavailable people will be emotionally unavailable with you. But fixing that means opening yourself up to being hurt and/or disappointed, which is admittedly scary.

@apaul I don't have too many people who are close to me. And I like keeping that circle small. Of course, that has its disadvantages as you said. But, right now, I am happy as I am. Maybe, I will have to fix that in the future but well... life is long. :P

@D.Hutchinson Jokes are helpful. Making people laugh has a great way of bringing defenses down.

How old are you two?

Q: Closure: How do you tactfully answer when someone asks if you're shopping around, when you are?

@apaul I entered adulthood 6 months ago

Introverted Meta Man.

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I remain unsure why https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/8156/2423 was closed as 'unclear'? How ought I clarify? The title is clear. The body is too; I explained how each of all the possible answers aren't tactful.

discussion

@Sid 18.5? Different cultures measure these things differently.

6:58 AM

@apaul Yes

@Sid Ah, I remember those days. Crazy times.

@Sid It's always interesting to watch the timezones roll around. A benefit of being an insomniac. What part of India are you hailing from?

Don't mean to be getting too personal, just fascinating to talk to people on the other side of the world.

@apaul I just quit being nocturnal, shortly after quitting my research gig. Life is good now, and I feel healthy going to bed at a reasonable hour again -- 2 am ish :)

@sid I often think back to my transition from 17 to 18 years old, during freshmen year of college. That experience stays with me forever, I think.

I hope you enjoy being 18 :)

anyway, g'nite :)

7:14 AM

@D.Hutchinson Night

@apaul The East.

@Sid Honestly I'm not sure what that means, culturally? I used to work for an Indian family here in the US when I was about your age. The Patel family, I learned that that's a bit like "Smith" here, very common name.

Q: Overcoming cultural barriers to making connections as an expat

@apaul The Patel family, eh? Patels are generally seen in the West of Indiaa(particularly in the state of Gujarat)

@apaul Culturally, we are very different from the family that you worked for.

Extroverted Main Man

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I'll soon be moving to to take a job in Europe from my home country in south Asia. I've been to different country in Europe for my Masters 14 years ago. I had some interaction with mostly European fellow students, but it was hard to move beyond casual conversations. What should have been a grea...

europe introverts cross-culture

@Sid How so? Please forgive my ignorance, just find these things interesting.

7:23 AM

Hmm, now that I think of it, "very different" is probably exaggeration.

the state from where I hail from is different from Gujarat(I am assuming the Patels that you worked for, came from there) along the lines of (a) Language, (b)Food, (c) Dance, art, etc. The people tend to hold similar religious beliefs though

For instance, the food in Gujarat is predominantly vegetarian and that in my home state tends to be more varied with higher consumption of meat here.

@Sid One of the guys I worked with was Hindu and the other was Catholic. They tended to argue a great deal about it...

@apaul That doesn't really matter in India. As long as you don't go about killing people in the name of religion, you will be fine.

@Sid Usually had more to do with taking time off for holidays. Malik had a lot of them.

Ah, yes. India on a whole has a lot of festivals and holidays compared to many other countries.

@Sid I've seen news reports about water and color festivals, looks like great fun.

Like a city wide water gun fight just seems like a great tradition.

7:33 AM

@apaul Ah, yes. The Festival of Colors usually occurs around mid March. It has a lot of religious importance but no one cares about that. Everyone just cares about splashing everyone else with color

hmm, if you're gonna have religious traditions, at least make them fun

@Sid Ya, our holidays tend to be like that too.

@Sid What's the underlying reason for the color festival?

@apaul To be honest, it's no longer as vibrant as it used to be. With concerns raised over excessive wastage of water, people's enthusiasm has decreased too.

@apaul there are a lot of reasons(mainly mythological). The reason it is associated with colors is said to be that Lord Krishna(One of our Gods) played pranks in his childhood with colors on the elders to welcome the Spring season.

@Sid That's pretty cool. Most of our festivals and holidays here are associated with food, drink, and gift giving. Halloween and St. Pat's are my personal favorites.

@apaul Yep. I have heard about Halloween too.

7:48 AM

I have to say the Indian food I've had opportunity to try is amazing. Not sure if it's what people actually eat there or if it's an American-ized version, but I'd gladly trade some biscuits and gravy for some chicken makhani and naan bread.

Biscuits and gravy is a very Southern US breakfast dish. Really good stuff, heart stopping artery clogging good.

@apaul From what I have heard, the "Indian" food that you eat in USA, has less spices and tends to be sweeter than normal Indian food.

@Sid I've heard that. Whenever going to an Indian restaurant here they tend to ask very carefully how spicy you want it. The Chicken Makhani I've had leaned more savory than spicy? Seemed like what we call "comfort food" rich and filling. That's why it put me in mind of biscuits and gravy.

Of course, if you eat normal spicy Indian food, you will probably have an upset stomach in a day. :P

@apaul Hmm, "Chicken Makhani" probably means Butter Chicken which is actually sweeter and more filling as you said.

Other Chicken Dishes tend to be spicier and tend to have less gravy

@Sid The spicier stuff is great after a few drinks, but ya... I pay for it in the morning. :P

@Sid Ah, I was thinking butter chicken, but I didn't know if that's what it's really called there.

Of course, the US or The West in general has a far more variety of meat dishes which are not available in India.

8:01 AM

@Sid are you a vegetarian?

Nope. I am not.

Didn't mean to offend or anything. Just assumed because of what you said about more meat dishes in the East

Meh. I don't get offended that easily.

@Sid Is pork on the menu?

Mithrandir24601

@Sid This is definitely true in the UK

8:04 AM

@apaul Nope. Pork and Beef tends to be kept away from the menu,

Ah, sorry about that. No biscuits and gravy then.

Well, due to the large cultural diversity in India, we do give up on a few things...

Southern US food uses a lot of pork and chicken. Lots of barbeque and fried stuff. Down here in Florida there's a fair bit of fish and seafood too.

@apaul A lot of food items in the US tends to be fried.

@Sid Most American dishes aren't all that American. More the evolution of things from the groups that immigrate here.

@Sid We really do have more than McDonald's, I promise lol

8:13 AM

@apaul yeah, Burger King? :P

@Sid lolol

@Sid We got Burger King, Farm, etc.

@AJ Farm?

Burger Farm.

@AJ never heard of that one?

8:16 AM

Because there is only one here.

@AJ You're in India as well, right?

@apaul Ah, I forgot another point. People in the East of India tend to support more regional political parties while that in the West of India tend to go with the ruling party.

@apaul No. I am from Bhaarat. ;)

@Sid We have those divides here too.

@AJ Please tell me we didn't rename your country...

@apaul No. I am just kidding. I think I told you before.

8:25 AM

@AJ I knew you were somewhere in that time zone, but I wasn't sure where specifically

@apaul The divides here are more blurred. For instance, there are only 2 national parties. Each of them has a "honeymoon period" so as to speak. When a nationalistic wave sweeps the country, one of the party gets elected and when people want stability, the other one gets elected.

@Sid Sounds shockingly familiar.

Just gotta put this out there... Sorry about how our shitty politics take a toll on the rest of the world. We're in an awful spot politically as of late and I hope you all don't hold it against all of us.

well, you have a stable "leadership", a "strong" President. You can't be in an awful spot politically. :P

@Sid Well... A reality TV personality somehow got elected to our highest office... The wave of nationalism swept through and bad things happened.

@Sid Also "stable" isn't a word I would use to describe our leadership. lol

If every sequential presidential term is spent undoing last term's policies, that's not stable.

8:39 AM

Okay, what needs close votes?

look at the close queue?

@JarkoDubbeldam it's much worse than that...

@Mithrandir this one, maybe?

@JarkoDubbeldam sure, but that doesn't include stuff that got cleared from the queue :P

@apaul Oh for sure, but I didn't want to get into the specifics of the politics.

8:42 AM

How can I tell my classmates I'm not ok with their teasing? seems to need closing until more details are added.

Overcoming cultural barriers to making connections as an expat seems too broad as-is.

@Mithrandir Wasn't that one already asked a day or two ago?