I followed these steps:
Install linuxbrew from github.
Ensure wget is installed via linuxbrew.
Install hadoop via linuxbrew.
My hadoop configuration files were in a different location than the tutorial I was following suggested.
Also, it appears to be a pretty bad tutorial,because it uses sudo to edit ~/.profile and misspells profile as profil, but I sorted that part out.
When I tried to run the included startup scripts, they weren't in my $PATH, so I added them.
Now I added these aliases to my ~/.profile: