@Clay07g I disagree, I think just saying "No" without an explanation would be considered rude. There is a large difference between lecturing your friends and telling them "no you should do this yourself". I think it would actually be more rude to just say "no" to a close friend. — Childishforlife 24 secs ago
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8:01 PM
#12045 Childishforlife (226 rep) | A: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 41) | posted 34 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep) | edited 33 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep)
"Experience or references, preferably experience" __ that is what we ask for. This is my experience of living 38 years on this planet and having intimate knowledge of how compliments work, same as any other social human. Sources are not necessary to support every statement on IPS.SE @Tinkeringbell and that is what allows us to make these "blanket statements." You can choose to bring up the need for rigorous references again on meta. — English Student 1 min ago
#12005 English Student (7532 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep)
#12122 Arthas (1290 rep) | Q: How can I convey to someone that the way she communicates is awkward without upsetting her? (score: 7) | posted 5 hours ago by Arthas (1290 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by Arthas (1290 rep)
While I love this answer- Where's the interpersonal part of this solution? How do you propose the OP starts this discussion with his wife? And how would you suggest improving this idea given that the OP's wife does not work part time right now? As in, if you went with this method as it reads, the wife still wouldn't have "personal money", so how do you suggest negotiating the "hourly rate" of home and child care? — Kendra 1 min ago
#12128 Kendra (1698 rep) | A: Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance (score: 7) | posted 3 hours ago by MichaelM (79 rep)
@EnglishStudent, then please point me to the place in your answer where you say these are your experiences... — Tinkeringbell 25 secs ago
#12005 Tinkeringbell (16637 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep)
@Childishforlife I did not get the implication that these were close friends. In such case, just saying "no" is distancing, and therefore a little hurtful. However, I can't say that's the case here. Also, the answer here says "do it themselves because......". The "because" part is not necessary unless they are maybe really close friends. And honestly, and reasons given should be about OP, not the friend. "Because I feel like letting you copy off me will hurt your experience" is much different than "Because you won't learn". That is, if an explanation is necessary at all. — Clay07g 17 secs ago
#12045 Clay07g (1141 rep) | A: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 41) | posted 34 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep) | edited 33 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep)
It's understood based on site policy. No need to say that every time @Tinkeringbell or every statement without a reference would need to be prefaced and do you really want to see "in my experience" used 12 or 14 times in every answer? But I will use it once here, see the edit: "in my 38 years experience of social life, compliments are the currency of friendly interaction..." just as insults are the currency of hostile interaction but I am not adding that here because it is not relevant to OP's question. — English Student 1 min ago
#12005 English Student (7532 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by English Student (7532 rep)
It's understood based on site policy. No need to say that every time @Tinkeringbell or every dtatement eith a reference would need to be prefaced and fo you really want to see "in my experience" used 12 or 14 times in every answer? Not really no, but I understood the policy of that meta to be that every answer you post is advised to be clear on whether you're using experience or scientific data...So mentioning it at least once will make it clear to people that this is your experience, and thus more subjective then it might be presented, and it will set a good example for newer users. — Tinkeringbell 1 min ago
#12005 Tinkeringbell (16637 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 8 minutes ago by English Student (7532 rep)
@AgapwIesu, FWIW, I'm red/green colourblind, and the traffic lights in my country (New Zealand) aren't at all difficult for me to distinguish. — Harry Johnston 14 secs ago
#12115 Harry Johnston (101 rep) | Q: How can I suggest to someone that he may potentially be colourblind? (score: 11) | posted 7 hours ago by Belle-Sophie (589 rep) | edited 6 hours ago by Belle-Sophie (589 rep)
You are right and thanks for pointing out. I don't mind saying that "this answer is based on my life experience" at the start of my future answers that are not based on references. I am sure you will do the same @Tinkeringbell. — English Student 41 secs ago
#12005 English Student (7532 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 10 minutes ago by English Student (7532 rep)
Instead of, "You're right, [y] is very interesting because [z], but we were talking about [x] so can we come back to [y] later?" what about phrasing it, "You're right, [y] is very interesting because [z], after we're done talking about [x] can we come back to [y]?"? I think replacing "..but we were..." makes the comment slightly less confrontational, given that the sister is hypersensitive. A good answer, though. +1 — Don Branson 10 secs ago
#12125 Don Branson (101 rep) | A: How can I convey to someone that the way she communicates is awkward without upsetting her? (score: 9) | posted 5 hours ago by Tay W (111 rep)
There's an app for testing, see links near bottom: blog.usabilla.com/how-to-design-for-color-blindness I'd avoid the word
blind but maybe use a longer, gentler phrase. — rheitzman 1 min ago
#12115 rheitzman (101 rep) | Q: How can I suggest to someone that he may potentially be colourblind? (score: 11) | posted 7 hours ago by Belle-Sophie (589 rep) | edited 6 hours ago by Belle-Sophie (589 rep)
@Clay07g While an explanation may not be 'necessary', being short with someone and just saying "no", from my experience, never helps. They may not deserve an explanation, but when someone asks you something you have been complying with previously an explanation of why you are now declining is the polite/right thing to do. — Childishforlife 1 min ago
#12045 Childishforlife (226 rep) | A: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 41) | posted 34 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep) | edited 33 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep)
Handing people your answers to claim as their own is bad. Selling them is even worse. This is grounds for immediately dismissal from the educational institution, and good luck getting a job in your chosen profession after that. — Lightness Races in Orbit 24 secs ago
#12100 Lightness Races in Orbit (344 rep) | A: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 1) | posted 14 hours ago by John Hamilton (528 rep)
You say "no yours and mine, there is only ours.", But then say "she can do whatever she wants". Actually she can't do whatever she wants, because it is not her money alone. She is sharing with you. You even say she can't: " feels like I just have to give her whatever allowance she wants". Which is it? If it truly is shared money, then why do you make the decision about what she gets and what she doesn't get? — Stacey 41 secs ago
#12079 Stacey (5546 rep) | Q: Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance (score: 7) | posted 24 hours ago by MCP_infiltrator (136 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by MCP_infiltrator (136 rep) | Has magic comment
"Yes, they're your friends" They don't seem much like friends to me when they are pestering the OP to let them benefit from his knowledge and hard work for free. — Lightness Races in Orbit 1 min ago
#12086 Lightness Races in Orbit (344 rep) | A: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 4) | posted 22 hours ago by Lord Farquaad (808 rep)
@Childishforlife I've had good success with "I can't do that, sorry". Most socially-competent people will leave it at that, assuming I have no personal relationship with the other person. I suppose if there is a sudden change in behavior, I would use "I can't do that anymore, sorry". — Clay07g 56 secs ago
#12045 Clay07g (1141 rep) | A: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 41) | posted 35 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep) | edited 33 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep)
#12128 Spagirl (8822 rep) | A: Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance (score: 9) | posted 4 hours ago by MichaelM (99 rep)
@Clay07g If I were to use that line in the situation that OP described above, 9 times out of the 10 the other person would ask me why, or try and push the topic further. Since they are in class together, and work together, it's not like he will never see the other person again after saying no. I really don't think explaining OP's mindset here is considered "counter polite", and I feel like the very minimal responses of "yes/no" and you don't need to explain yourself are good on paper but lack execution in person and creates more friction than anything. — Childishforlife 1 min ago
#12045 Childishforlife (226 rep) | A: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 41) | posted 35 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep) | edited 33 hours ago by Ahsan9981 (401 rep)
This happens to me with hilarious consequences because I'm pregnant and don't (apparently) look it. Them: "You must have lost weight, you look great". Me: "actually I'm 7 months pregnant and have gained 10kg. All on track for a healthy baby in May!" Rubs tummy Them:"..." Hopefully some of them have learned by now that disingenuous comments like that just make them look really stupid. — Stacey 46 secs ago
#12002 Stacey (5546 rep) | Q: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 14) | posted 2 days ago by Ash (473 rep) | edited 2 days ago by Ash (473 rep) | Has magic comment
The question of "when is it appropriate" is primarily opinion-based. "How" is a good IPS question. I'd suggest rewording the question to just that one question of how. — baldPrussian 22 secs ago
#12130 baldPrussian (9255 rep) | Q: When/how is it appropriate to ask someone to back up a claim they make in conversation? (score: 0) | posted 2 hours ago by Touchdown (6 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by Touchdown (6 rep)
#12130 peufeu (9928 rep) | Q: When/how is it appropriate to ask someone to back up a claim they make in conversation? (score: 0) | posted 2 hours ago by Touchdown (6 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by Touchdown (6 rep)
#12123 Astralbee (8323 rep) | A: How can I suggest to someone that he may potentially be colourblind? (score: 1) | posted 6 hours ago by Astralbee (8323 rep)
@EnglishStudent I'd really like to know where you got the quote "Experience or references, preferably experience"... because I don't think I've seen anyone say that experience is valued over references. I absolutely don't want that... everyone has a different experience... it's a valid point of view but a study that corroborates the POV of 1000 people is more likely to reflect the general populace (if culturally appropriate) than one person's... Also, you have extreme cultural differences than Ash does... and you don't even note that. What makes your personal experience valid for them? — Catija ♦ 37 secs ago
#12005 Catija (10247 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 52 minutes ago by English Student (7532 rep)
#12115 RyanfaeScotland (221 rep) | Q: How can I suggest to someone that he may potentially be colourblind? (score: 13) | posted 8 hours ago by Belle-Sophie (599 rep) | edited 7 hours ago by Belle-Sophie (599 rep)
@Spagirl I unfortunately could not correct that part of my comment before being called away for a meeting. I stand by the rest of my comment, and about how to begin negotiating how much each of them receives. It's a great strategy, it just does not feel like an interpersonal skill solution so much as a "Here's an idea, see if you guys can discuss this" without any way of suggesting the skills needed for the discussion. — Kendra 2 mins ago
#12128 Kendra (1718 rep) | A: Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance (score: 10) | posted 4 hours ago by MichaelM (109 rep)
@Kendra cheers, as you can see I specifically didn’t comment on the other bits of your comment. I was trying to elucidate, not quibble. :) — Spagirl 48 secs ago
#12128 Spagirl (8820 rep) | A: Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance (score: 10) | posted 4 hours ago by MichaelM (109 rep)
The rest of my reply was mainly for the answerer, I just can't tag both and couldn't make it flow nicer. ;) Thanks for pointing out my error, though! — Kendra 9 secs ago
#12128 Kendra (1718 rep) | A: Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance (score: 10) | posted 4 hours ago by MichaelM (109 rep)
""Actually "teach" her the best things to say and make her feel like she is capable of staying on topic and even provide very meaningful contributions to the topic. Instead of worrying about hurting her, worry about boosting her confidence for the next conversation."" 100 times, this. — Finn O'leary 23 secs ago
#12131 Finn O'leary (101 rep) | A: How can I convey to someone that the way she communicates is awkward without upsetting her? (score: 6) | posted 3 hours ago by Crazy Cucumber (3319 rep)
"Experience or references, preferably experience": that was the impression I got from reading 3 well-upvoted meta answers on this topic: interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/a/1611/381 and interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/a/12/381 and interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/a/19/381 which note that it is often not possible to base IPS answers on references, and experiences are just as good a substitute. So you are saying that references are better than experience when available? -- okay, I shall revise my understanding on that point @Catija. — English Student 1 min ago
#12005 English Student (7532 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by English Student (7532 rep)
Hi and thanks for visiting IPS.SE. Your answer is very lacking in detail, specifically anything related to Interpersonal Skills, which are the focus of this site, rather than general problem solving. If you take the tour you can learn more about what makes a good answer in IPS. Then you might have some ideas for expanding your answer. As it stands your answer is quite likely to be down voted or deleted for not reaching our quality standard. Please have a think about how you can improve your answer. — Spagirl 48 secs ago
#12139 Spagirl (8822 rep) | A: How can I suggest to someone that he may potentially be colourblind? (score: 0) | posted 20 minutes ago by user15639 (1 rep)
Note 2: I see you have made your point very clear in your answer to that question, although you also agreed with Hamlet's "experience is the way to go" answer: I shall try to quote references whenever available or else specify that the answer is based on my experience @Catija. — English Student 10 secs ago
#12005 English Student (7532 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by English Student (7532 rep)
9:46 PM
Yes, I find that in general I trust referenced answers over something from personal experience. Anyone can make up/lie about personal experience. A sourced article is generally more trustworthy to me. In relation to my answer, I specifically say that I agree with the how to write part of that answer... "I generally agree with the write-up here, by Hamlet, about how to compose a high-quality experience-based answer." — Catija ♦ 1 min ago
#12005 Catija (10247 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by English Student (7532 rep)
#12140 Catija (10247 rep) | Q: How do I talk to a work friend about their constant no-shows for catch-ups? (score: 1) | posted 16 minutes ago by Fodder (1328 rep) | edited 11 minutes ago by Fodder (1328 rep)
Thanks for the clarification @Catija. Unfortunately a huge number of the IPS.SE answers including most of mine are currently experience based and either are not, or cannot be supported by references. Nobody is usually challenged to supply references either, even when available. I shall be sure to specify if each of my future answers is based on experience or references, but if you feel that we might benefit from better referenced answers instead of simply stating unverifiable experience then please restart discussion on one of the above-linked meta pages dealing with (the need for) references. — English Student 1 min ago
#12005 English Student (7532 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by English Student (7532 rep)
Is this behavior that she also exhibited at work (i.e. coming late to work, or work-based meetings)? — Crafter0800 1 min ago
#12140 Crafter0800 (5064 rep) | Q: How do I talk to a work friend about their constant no-shows for catch-ups? (score: 1) | posted 19 minutes ago by Fodder (1328 rep) | edited 14 minutes ago by Fodder (1328 rep)
No. You seem to be misconstruing what I'm saying. I don't have an issue with experience based answers. I have an issue with the concept that experience is more preferable. You should absolutely always note when your answer is based on experience. You don't have to say "This is based on personal experience"... but you can make it clear by talking about a specific closely-related experience in detail. — Catija ♦ 55 secs ago
#12005 Catija (10247 rep) | A: How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym? (score: 4) | posted 2 days ago by English Student (7532 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by English Student (7532 rep)
10:26 PM
#11989 Mark Micallef (101 rep) | A: I dreamed you did so and so. Why did you do that? - How to react? (score: 108) | posted 3 days ago by LinuxBlanket (5294 rep) | edited 32 hours ago by LinuxBlanket (5294 rep)
#12140 Fodder (1333 rep) | Q: How do I talk to a work friend about their constant no-shows for catch-ups? (score: 2) | posted 50 minutes ago by Fodder (1333 rep) | edited 45 minutes ago by Fodder (1333 rep)
#12140 Fodder (1333 rep) | Q: How do I talk to a work friend about their constant no-shows for catch-ups? (score: 2) | posted 50 minutes ago by Fodder (1333 rep) | edited 45 minutes ago by Fodder (1333 rep)
10:42 PM
#12130 Maxim (2540 rep) | Q: How might it be appropriate to ask someone to back up a claim they make in conversation? (score: 0) | posted 4 hours ago by Touchdown (6 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by Em C (5917 rep)
#11982 Mark Micallef (101 rep) | Q: I dreamed you did so and so. Why did you do that? - How to react? (score: 58) | posted 3 days ago by Edgar (2149 rep) | edited 31 hours ago by henning (3641 rep) | Has magic comment
@Edgar Did you consider kicking her out of bed and sending her to sleep elsewhere? — Mark Micallef 33 secs ago
#11982 Mark Micallef (101 rep) | Q: I dreamed you did so and so. Why did you do that? - How to react? (score: 58) | posted 3 days ago by Edgar (2149 rep) | edited 31 hours ago by henning (3641 rep) | Has magic comment
Agreed. Her delusions are not OPs responsibility. If anything, it sounds like she is the one who is insecure and liable to infidelity. He should confront her, and perhaps move on to someone more stable. — Mark Micallef 55 secs ago
#11986 Mark Micallef (101 rep) | A: I dreamed you did so and so. Why did you do that? - How to react? (score: 20) | posted 3 days ago by FreeElk (563 rep)
#12141 cHao (1007 rep) | Q: How can I let my girlfriend know that her insults are hurting my feelings and ask her to stop? (score: 3) | posted 58 minutes ago by anonymous (16 rep) | edited 22 minutes ago by Catija (10247 rep)
Are you willing to help if there's something in it for you (so it's not a waste of your time), or do you want to shut down their requests completely and permanently? — Kat 46 secs ago
#12043 Kat (1758 rep) | Q: How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work? (score: 33) | posted 38 hours ago by user8979192 (166 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by IconDaemon (109 rep)
11:25 PM
#12143 Mark Micallef (101 rep) | A: How can I let my girlfriend know that her insults are hurting my feelings and ask her to stop? (score: 0) | posted 22 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (101 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by Catija (10247 rep)
Please don't diagnose people here. We're not medical professionals and we don't have enough information to give technical diagnoses to users. Additionally, this network requires that users "Be nice". Your post utterly fails that test. Accusing someone you do not know of spousal abuse is not nice. You can absolutely answer questions with what to do but you must meet our standards. — Catija ♦ 1 min ago
#12143 Catija (10247 rep) | A: How can I let my girlfriend know that her insults are hurting my feelings and ask her to stop? (score: 0) | posted 22 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (101 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by Catija (10247 rep)
#12133 cHao (1007 rep) | A: How might it be appropriate to ask someone to back up a claim they make in conversation? (score: -1) | posted 4 hours ago by Richard U (6118 rep)
#12130 cHao (1007 rep) | Q: How might it be appropriate to ask someone to back up a claim they make in conversation? (score: 0) | posted 5 hours ago by Touchdown (6 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by Em C (5918 rep)
@Catija Your comment is abusive and irrelevant. Please do not edit my answer again. — Mark Micallef 1 min ago
#12143 Mark Micallef (101 rep) | A: How can I let my girlfriend know that her insults are hurting my feelings and ask her to stop? (score: 0) | posted 34 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (101 rep) | edited 3 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (101 rep)
Note that, to the sister, the comment may be as on topic as the answerer's wife's comments. I have sometimes taken a few minutes to work through the chain of connections that got me from point A to point K, just to prove (if only to myself) that there was such a chain. At this point, I know that chain's there (and if the reactions I get are too puzzled, can go through it for someone else). — RDFozz 18 secs ago
#12131 RDFozz (196 rep) | A: How can I convey to someone that the way she communicates is awkward without upsetting her? (score: 6) | posted 5 hours ago by Crazy Cucumber (3319 rep)
How does your sister react when this happens? Does she recognize that her comment was met with reactions from annoyance to confusion, or does it seem like she thinks she added something of value? If you can tell, then very different approaches to the situation may be appropriate. — RDFozz 44 secs ago
#12122 RDFozz (196 rep) | Q: How can I convey to someone that the way she communicates is awkward without upsetting her? (score: 10) | posted 9 hours ago by Arthas (1305 rep) | edited 4 hours ago by Arthas (1305 rep)
I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because it's a complaint about moderation. Please take this sort of thing to our meta site, but if you do, make sure you're clear about what action you dislike or disagreement - in other words, don't just fire off accusations because you don't like something (e.g. site policy). — HDE 226868 ♦ 12 secs ago
#12145 HDE 226868 (6351 rep) | Q: How to deal with an abusive moderator - Catija (score: -2) | posted 10 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (97 rep)
Why don't we start by talking it out first? locked post can be reopened once understanding has been reached. It's the post that is to be examined, please don't take it personally. — Billiska 14 secs ago
#12145 Billiska (101 rep) | Q: How to deal with an abusive moderator - Catija (score: -2) | posted 11 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (97 rep)
@HDE I have flagged your comment as abuse. Please remember the "Be Nice" policy. — Mark Micallef 22 secs ago
#12145 Mark Micallef (95 rep) | Q: How to deal with an abusive moderator - Catija (score: -2) | posted 14 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (95 rep)
#12144 Ash (472 rep) | A: How can I let my girlfriend know that her insults are hurting my feelings and ask her to stop? (score: -1) | posted 15 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (95 rep)
The interpersonal skills of @Catija are directly relevant to this topic of this forum. In addition, she is using her moderator ability in an abuse manner. It is clearly on-topic. — Mark Micallef 1 min ago
#12145 Mark Micallef (95 rep) | Q: How to deal with an abusive moderator - Catija (score: -2) | posted 14 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (95 rep)
@MarkMicallef I'm giving you a route to having a constructive dialogue. I recommend you take it. It's not abuse to give you helpful advice on what to do to resolve a situation; I'll repeat it: Go to Interpersonal Skills Meta. — HDE 226868 ♦ 11 secs ago
#12145 HDE 226868 (6351 rep) | Q: How to deal with an abusive moderator - Catija (score: -2) | posted 15 minutes ago by Mark Micallef (97 rep)
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