I haven't talked to him about anything in regards to her since we've started dating. I've came up to him at family get-togethers to say hi and he's acted normal and we talk for a few minutes that's about it. But what I'm getting from what he's telling everyone else is that he's still hurt about it. — Timothy Fisher 1 min ago

@JessK. For the purposes of your work it is your property supplied by the business, and the same argument applies regardless of that fact. But okay. — KthProg 1 min ago

@Pixy I agree with that assessment. I've met way too many overbearing people who simply need control and will come up with any excuse to exercise it. — KthProg 1 min ago

@Cashbee the ones that you said were an update. Generally people edit updates into question, because comments are volotile. It's just a nice thing to do. It's incredibly simple, but i guess it's your choice. It's not NEEDED but it's generally encouraged. — AytAyt 35 secs ago

It's maybe worth noting that we have no shortage of users who fix grammar, correct spelling or improve formatting, as long as we understand, what the respective user wants to express. That's how we deal with these issues (in general) here, not by downvoting and closing. — Anne Daunted 2 hours ago

@IamSoNotListening This question isn't general and neither is the answer. As far as I'm aware we've not closed or downvoted questions merely for grammar issues. Also, writing your comment twice was unnecessary. — Catija ♦ 3 hours ago

It's maybe worth noting that we have no shortage of users who fix grammar, correct spelling or improve formatting, as long as we understand, what the respective user wants to express. That's how we deal with these issues (in general) here, not by downvoting and closing. — Anne Daunted 2 hours ago

@IamSoNotListening This question isn't general and neither is the answer. As far as I'm aware we've not closed or downvoted questions merely for grammar issues. Also, writing your comment twice was unnecessary. — Catija ♦ 3 hours ago

@Garcia_K I hope it helps. I'm curious, what signs did you see that led you to believe this would eventually happen? — Dan Anderson 2 mins ago

It's maybe worth noting that we have no shortage of users who fix grammar, correct spelling or improve formatting, as long as we understand, what the respective user wants to express. That's how we deal with these issues (in general) here, not by downvoting and closing. — Anne Daunted 2 hours ago

@IamSoNotListening This question isn't general and neither is the answer. As far as I'm aware we've not closed or downvoted questions merely for grammar issues. Also, writing your comment twice was unnecessary. — Catija ♦ 3 hours ago

Absolutely this. Her behaviour, while well-intentioned and originally harmless, has gone way past the point at which it is acceptable. Tell her firmly that she needs to cut it out. No excuses! — Lightness Races in Orbit 17 secs ago

If the same comments have been posted and deleted 80 times, that's a good example of why nuking every comment you see is counterproductive, mods. You can do a cleanup later on but otherwise it's just getting in the way. — Lightness Races in Orbit 1 min ago

There is no need for this level of wetness. This level of wetness caused the problem in the first place. Leave out anything about wanting to improve, or reminders to turn off the monitor. Don't mention what will happen to the monitor in the future: it is none of her business. State simply and clearly that she has crossed the line by messing with your desk. Period. End of story! If she has a problem with that, that's her own interpersonal problem, not yours. — Lightness Races in Orbit 1 min ago

Heh, while I appreciate the principle you're going for, tech support is probably going to think you're a bit silly, and you don't really want that. — Lightness Races in Orbit 48 secs ago

@GregSchmit - Each site addresses comments in a different way. Some are more strict with the stated policies, while others are more lenient. Due to the nature of IPS, comment chains derail quite quickly and easily. Hence, a more strict adherence to the intended purpose of the comments. — JohnP 5 mins ago

@GregSchmit There are 100 deleted comments on this right now... Last I checked, SO doesn't get that sort of comment volume. We delete them here because of the sheer mass of them. It's a huge amount of noise. There's a lot of meta discussion in addition to the link Arwen posted, if you're interested in the history but, I assure you, irony or not, there's a major comment problem on this site and we're doing what we can to keep them limited and clear the unnecessary ones. — Catija ♦ 42 secs ago

So, I'm curious... do you think the question as you've written it is actually a valid question on SE? It seems like purely opinion and situation based to me. — Catija ♦ 45 secs ago

Let's put it this way. If she and your cousin did go on more than one date, separated, and you were now dating her, what sort of social taboos would be violated? I'm not sure why you feel any kind of explanation, at all, is necessary. If someone makes a direct comment or asks a direct question, you can set them straight, but otherwise, really, who cares? If she's THE one, then at your wedding reception you can tell the heart-warming story of how you got together which will include "she did go on a single date with Cousin Bob once, good thing for me she wasn't interested after that." — PoloHoleSet 1 min ago

"Accept you don't want to be in a home alone with this woman." That's already the entire premise of the question - OP has already well accepted that. This isn't an answer to the question. — Beanluc 30 secs ago

Thank you for your answer! We've discussed it with O and came to the conclusion that it could be any number of things: drinking, his girlfriend, home situation etc. In the end finding reasons for this change is the job of a therapist. Perhaps we will suggest getting an appointment when we talk about the situation with him. — ThatOtherGuy 45 secs ago

Thanks for the answer! We've discussed it with O and so far this looks like the best course of action. — ThatOtherGuy just now

@Beanluc Yes I and this answer accept that as the premise. — Paparazzi 1 min ago

I'm just asking so I understand the situation fully. So, Jane is home, so it's not that the kids are unattended or not supervised by an adult, but this has to do with the fact that Jane is a single mother? This is not a matter of "we only want kids to be supervised at someone else's house when there are two parents there," but it is about Jane's status, correct? — PoloHoleSet 1 min ago

@Marcel - Possibly, but with this framing I think it comes across more as "we're just kind of odd, that way" vs "you are a potential Jezebel." — PoloHoleSet 1 min ago

Please don’t write answers in comments. It bypasses our quality measures by not having voting (both up and down) available on comments, as well as having other problems detailed on meta. Comments are for clarifying and improving the question; please don’t use them for other purposes. — Tinkeringbell just now

That's pretty much how I felt this whole time, that whatever they thought didn't bug me and I would only address it if it was brought up since I'm confident about this person. It was only until recently that I heard that he was spreading that this was his ex-girlfriend. I made a mistake of asking this question here since the answers would be entirely opinion based. The question should be more focused on how to deal with my cousin spreading false information. — Timothy Fisher 38 secs ago

@RedSonja Except that "the rest of us" includes a very high proportion of affairs. My wife trusts me, and I trust her, but "I trust that nothing happened" is not at all the same as "nothing happened." In our case, we know that the trust is not misplaced because we avoid situations that could even hint at bad behavior. For other couples, they trust each other but cannot actually know if the trust has been broken, which is unfortunate since it *very, very often is broken*. The picture you paint of "the rest of us" is the lie on the surface of society, and most people know it. — Aaron 1 min ago

At the beginning of your post, you said "we've always been interested in each other", which suggests you return his feelings. Later you said you only see him as a friend. Which is it? Do you have any interest in turning this into a romantic relationship, or do you want to remain strictly friends? — Kat 1 min ago

You say dumb argument. Are you talking about the reunion where he bared his soul and you rejected him? I would call that a serious issue rather than a dumb argument. — AytAyt 49 secs ago

@Shauna OP is specifically asking how to avoid sending that very message since that is not the truth; that is the whole point of the question. Since OP's stance is a very common one, it is not an appropriate IPS answer to demean OP in this way and act like they should change. You wrote: "they will take notice of your interactions with your neighbor and start emulating that, perpetuating this cycle, if you're not careful."... we can only hope that we instill this good quality in them. The only part of this answer that seems to honestly answer the given question is the last paragraph. — Aaron 1 min ago

@Garcia_K both of those choices would be really bad. I would send a message NOT through chat, or talk in person. Chat has an implicit pressure to respond quickly, and texts/email/etc don't usually have that pressure. — AytAyt 26 secs ago

@ThatOtherGuy That's good. If you really want to know what's going on though, you have to ask D. He is the person with the most information about himself. — Dan Anderson 1 min ago

+1 for saying it's not reassuring. The rest is also great, but that really needed to be said. — AytAyt 1 min ago

wrote "If she said to you my children cannot come in your house unless I am present would that offend you?" Not me, not at all. In fact, I prefer that. Nobody should be offended of protective parents - that's our job; to suggest otherwise is negligent. I refuse to have neighbor kids in my home without there being at least 2 adults, preferably including one of their parents, and that goes double for little girls. If the neighbors don't like me for ensuring the safety of everyone, they can (and do) send their kids elsewhere - where a significant amount do get secretly abused. — Aaron 42 secs ago

Hmm, it says i can't edit your answer. So: check "your". in a few places, it should be "you're", and it in one place, it should be "you" — AytAyt 1 min ago

"Every time you unplug my monitor, I will microwave a cup of water to a boil and then throw it down the drain, which takes more energy than leaving my monitor on standby overnight for a (week/month/year, depends on the ratios). I don't mind making an effort to do as you ask, but I do not negotiate with terrorists." — TemporalWolf just now

@AytAyt Ya I try but I'm still terrible at that. thank you. — Dan Anderson 15 secs ago

@DanAnderson no worries, i usually just edit it, but it said something about edits not allowed. It was clear what you were saying though, so not a big deal :) — AytAyt 17 secs ago

Probably so, @Catija. If that is what OP intended (OP seems a very new member everywhere on SE) and I am awaiting confirmation on that point, our response would be to help OP modify the question to be a good fit for SE. — English Student 2 mins ago

I don't know if this qualifies as an answer to your question here, but I'd note that a lot of this would be improved if there were more questions. Right now, for people who want to be actively answering, there's some pressure to answer quickly and whenever they get a chance. (Otherwise they end up hardly answering anything, because it all already has enough answers.) We can say all kinds of things on meta, and even in comments on main, but it's hard to dramatically change people's behavior without shifting the incentives a bit. — Jefromi 1 min ago

@Jefromi I was about to say something similar. — NVZ 34 secs ago

Can you explain why you are unable to change your ability to handle interactions with people you dislike? You only give two options - avoid without telling him, and avoid after telling him. However this simply extends the problem you're having which is that you don't know how to interact with certain personalities. You'll continue to run into such people throughout your life, so a better strategy is to figure out how to interact with them in a way that doesn't upset you. Is there a reason you're avoiding this solution? — Adam Davis just now

1. Make sure you're in a one party consent state before taking a recording of someone without asking. 2. Be wary of coming off as patronizing when you do this. — ale10ander 26 secs ago

This one works well - speaking from experience. Playing outside solves many of the issues, and it's healthy too. +1 However, the "but your kids can come into my house without you present" sounds like a recipe for accusations and a pedophile reputation - that bit I would avoid. — Aaron 1 min ago

Going to management at this point would not be the "nuclear option", as her actions directly contributed to lost productivity (see second paragraph of My Problem by OP). Whatever electricity costs Anne is saving the company by unplugging the monitor for a night, they've been more than lost in that 5 minutes of lost productivity (5 minutes at $10/hour is 83¢; even in HI where the highest commercial electrical rates are ~30¢/kWh, the <0.01kWh the monitor would burn in standby over a three-day weekend would cost literally 1/3 of 1¢ -- and that's the best-case scenario in Anne's favor) — Doktor J 1 min ago

This is a textbook case of workplace harrassment. I appreciate that OP clearly stated that they don't want to escalate to management, but I'm still flagging to migrate to Workplace, on general principle - some things simply cannot and should not be resolved interpersonally. — DVK just now

@Aaron OK it would offend you and you refuse without 2 adults. I don't think it is up to you to dictate that should be the behavior of everyone. Where do you draw the line? Do you trust your mother? How about a school room with only one teacher? Significant amount get secretly abused is a little morbid here and I suggest you dial it back a notch and move to a better neighborhood.. — Paparazzi 1 min ago

This is a great answer! This will even be usable in court in many states. As some of the other comments note, however, be careful if you are in one of the states where that is not the case. Don't feel bad about your answer's low score: a lot of the poor answers got up-voted a lot likely for calling OP, essentially, a prude (as if that were a negative thing), so I bet yours is getting down-voted by those who don't like your point of view. +1 but deserving of more — Aaron 5 secs ago

@NVZ Okay, I elaborated a bit into an answer. — Jefromi 1 min ago

Okay, best case scenario for Anne would be an Apple Thunderbolt display pulling its rated maximum standby power of 2W (not that equipment ever actually hits its rated load). Going from Thu 5pm to Mon 9am on a three day weekend gives us \$2W \times 88 hours = 0.176kWh\$. Multiplied by the highest electrical rate in the nation of $0.30, you get... 5.2¢. And that's assuming @Cashbee is only making $10/hour, and isn't a highly-paid programmer or the like. — Doktor J 1 min ago

@ZachLipton It might not be obvious by the answer's wording, but notice the "(some reason for public attention)". So that should be read as, for example, "But, I may some day run for governer and don't want to make the cover of National Enquirer." It's essentially a joke to make light of the situation. As silly as it is, that might go over better than some of the other answers. — Aaron 16 secs ago

@Aaron I don't see how anyone would find a "joke" amusing that insinuated that one's home is of such ill-repute that simply being seen entering it to pick up your children would derail your career (especially in an era where alleged affairs with porn stars have no effect, but I digress). If the OP wants to have this policy for himself, he should own it as his own personal preference and not insult the neighbor by suggesting his worldwide reputation will be shattered if their kids play together. — Zach Lipton 15 secs ago

I don't dictate the behavior of everyone. I think many people are at least somewhat negligent, but I don't dictate their behavior at all. Neither can they dictate mine. About my comment being morbid and suggesting a better neighborhood: that's part of the problem - there is no better neighborhood. It is a proven fact that child abuse, even sexual abuse, is significantly high even in upscale gated communities, and children are likely to be abused even in well educated, middle-class or better homes. It is everywhere but people ignore it; it is a known fact in psychology. Disgusting but true. — Aaron 23 secs ago

10% of answers or 10% of questions have been answered by 5 users? I'm guessing the latter? — Catija ♦ 1 min ago

"Studies by David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, show that: •1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse [...] •Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized" - victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/… — Aaron 26 secs ago

@Aaron Not a discussion I care to have with you. You said "Nobody should be offended". By asking I don't infer OP should not be offended. — Paparazzi 32 secs ago

The former - I just counted answers. — Jefromi 23 secs ago

@Aaron This is hardly the forum for discussion on sex abuse. I am flagging to have this chain deleted. — Paparazzi 1 min ago

Five people have (together) written over 600 answers? Eeesh. — Catija ♦ 24 secs ago

I said that because you specifically stated that the neighbor should be offended and that OP is being offensive. But sure, don't have the discussion; I won't bother clicking the "move this to chat" link, and instead people can keep ignoring the statistical facts. I'm not angry, as I'm used to people not wanting to think about it; that's natural, since it's terrible and we don't want to think about it. But it is the truth. — Aaron 50 secs ago

This was a natural response to your suggestion that people should be offended by the mere suggestion of what's implied. These comments necessarily result. If I did not respond as I have to each of the things you have said, I would be negligent. — Aaron 11 secs ago

@Aaron Then you are not negligent. Still not having sexual abuse discussion with you. — Paparazzi 51 secs ago

I'd cast it as "I'd like to avoid the appearance of impropriety." It's not she's dangerous, it's that from the outside it looks bad. A lot of issues are rendered moot by doing so, and it's common in business, politics and the military: When I was overseas in the Marines, we had a standing order not to go to other Marines houses without them present, because the appearance of impropriety is enough to cause huge issues, even if nothing improper actually happened. — TemporalWolf 1 min ago

I can relate. Ever since the site population grew, I've been unable to contribute anything exciting or new, because most questions get asked and answered while I'm sleeping. — NVZ 20 secs ago

@ZachLipton It sounds like perhaps you don't understand the reputation of the Enquirer and those like it. It is specifically understood by many people that they are half full of lies or at least gross misrepresentations. Therefore there is nothing being implied about the state of the neighbor's home, ill-repute or otherwise. It could be a great place and completely upstanding, but that is irrelevant if an Enquirer article takes a picture of you entering that house and titles the article "Bob's Secret New Girlfriend: What His Wife Doesn't Know". Though a dumb lie, it's bad rep. — Aaron 54 secs ago

@NVZ Well, to be fair, you're one of the top five people who together have written 10% of the answers. — Jefromi 29 secs ago

@Jefromi At some point, I was the top answerer. Ah, fun times. — NVZ 26 secs ago

-1? Greetings is in scope, isn't it? — Pierre B 1 min ago

Greetings is in scope but this is too broad. You're asking us to tell you how to do this for all possible situations. What is your goal? Do you want to greet this person? It's pretty opinion based along with it... polling us "How would you greet him" is asking for each person's thoughts on it. — Catija ♦ 22 secs ago

Point 1 is easily addressed. Stop teasing D when you know for a fact he doesn't find it funny. — swbarnes2 1 min ago

This seems like a really well considered answer to the question. :) In reaction to your side note, bad questions are open long enough for people to post answers There's no amount of time that is too short, sadly. Over the weekend I closed a question within five minutes of it being posted and it still accrued an answer. Short of all questions starting out "on hold" and requiring users to judge them before they're made open, I'm not sure that closing quickly will necessarily help. — Catija ♦ 20 secs ago

I think you have some valid concerns here, but I'm also thinking that it may be better to separate issues. — apaul 35 secs ago

It also asserts her having the right for monetary compensation if her demands are not fulfilled, while most likely not getting rid of the passive aggressive post-it reminders. Thus it's not actually resolving the situation, just shifting it in her favor. — Peter 29 secs ago

Much more focused than before. Nice edit. Hope it gets reopened so I can chip in without incurring Tinkerbellian wrath. :D — PoloHoleSet 25 secs ago

@Catija Thanks! I always get nervous posting opinions on meta :) I didn't notice the timestamps on that one, that's much faster than I thought! I do see that the user thought it was on-topic, so I think this fits into the "disagreement" category (even though it's off-topic, the user thought it was legit), so hopefully they learned something from the interaction.. — Em C 1 min ago

@Anoplexian could be, but I tried to answer OPs question as he put it. I do care about both, studies and emotions, why restrict yourself to either-or? — michi 1 min ago

Better for what? Your anxiety? If you want to reduce your anxiety, make your way to the person (in less than 3 seconds) and greet them right away (unless you think he's too busy). Putting a short 3 seconds deadline on it allows you not to think about it (which lessens any anticipation and anxiety). That being said, if you want to ignore him, you can do so as well. It's not the end of the world if you do that either. It's ultimately your choice. Awkward situations can be good for you. Do not just run away every time you feel awkward, learn to appreciate some of that tension from time to time. — Stephan Branczyk 54 secs ago

I know what you mean... I often feel antsy when I'm posting on meta. The fun thing, downvotes here don't mean anything other than disagreement... That's not always fun to see that your idea of how the site should be isn't universal, but as you say yourself - we're not a hive mind. And there's no penalty in the rep department, either. We need voices here - of all sorts, don't hide yours due to fear. :D — Catija ♦ 39 secs ago

TBH though if I lost five minutes of my work day fixing my computer due to her actions, I'd be heading right to my manager. Still, +1. — Andy 1 min ago