The Awkward Silence

apaul

01:00

Meh, I tried.

apaul

01:39

I'll try to try harder next time, sorry about that.

user15026

Let it go, please.

apaul

@Ash I'm not sure how that's easy for you? Or if it is? Like how does one deal with these things over and over and not react at a point? I've learned that tearing into people isn't usually productive, but it's real hard to resist the urge. How do you shrug things off?

user15026

@apaul I don't.

user15026

I stew and I scream and I lose my cool and sometimes I even throw stuff

user15026

But I know when to walk away and deal with it on my own

user15026

01:45

Making bigger messes here isn't going to fix it, snide commentary/snark here isn't going to fix it

user15026

I can't teaspoon everything

user15026

so I just...learn when to just scream into a void, and go bop things over the head in WoW for a while til I can try teaspooning somewhere else

user15026

It's more just trying to use my few spoons in a productive manner

apaul

@Ash just feels like sparing some asshat at my own expense... Or worse at the expense of others... Probably one of those feelings aren't facts things, but, ya'know?

user15026

Feelings aren't facts

user15026

01:48

You can't fix everything on your own

Catija

Let's also not call people names...

user15026

You really like to....white knight, I guess, and take the brunt of it for others and do the fighting and be tne big scary

user15026

@Catija Also this!

user15026

I get that @apaul, you've got a LOT of feels about queer stuff and other stuff and that's laudable

user15026

but like...learning where to put that energy so it's actually effective is an important tool

user15026

01:49

And lashing out at people, name calling, snarking, all of that stuff...it's NEVER going to fix anything

apaul

Still feels better to fight than to swallow it. Letting it go seems to require an awful lot of effort.

user15026

@apaul Sorry, but that's your problem

apaul

@Ash that's what I'm realizing.

user15026

It is work!

user15026

IT IS PAINFUL AND TERRIBLE

user15026

01:50

and I hate it more than I love it

user15026

but like...we're not here to let you use this place as an outlet for those feelings and that anger

user15026

It's destructive and unwelcoming and harmful to the community as a whole

user15026

I get why you felt as you did

user15026

Heck, I agreed with a lot of your basic premises

apaul

Ya, I get that. That's why I'm trying to learn a better way.

user15026

01:51

but you don't know when to stop, you don't know how not to get angry and let the anger take over any sort of attempt at actually reaching out

user15026

You just lash out and snark and get mad and use sarcasm and such and cast everyone else as the villain and sometimes, sure, people are being unawesome but you being unawesome back just makes more of a problem for us to deal with later

Catija

@apaul You don't need to swallow it... all of that stuff that Ash does... that's not swallowing it, it's just not here... not on SE.

user15026

We're trying to build a welcoming community so people who have some tough-ass shit can come in and be like "hello, I want to learn how to interact with people"

user15026

@Catija Exactly

Catija

Rant and scream and yell... IRL...

user15026

01:53

@Catija I've scared my cat more than once!

user15026

It's not about not feeling the feelings, its about finding a better outlet for them

apaul

I know I'm asking for a lot of spoons here, but you seem to be a little better at this. I'm dealing with some tough ass shit, and I need help. I want to learn how to interact with people.

user15026

@apaul This....might be better suited to not taking up the chat room, if you want help untangling some of this. (Keep in mind that this time of night I'm also spending time with my faraway husband so I might be slow to respond to junk)

user15026

(also, I'm not a therapist, yada yada)

apaul

Right, thanks

user15026

01:56

I'm willing to chat elseplace, potentially

user15026

(I can't remember if I still have "here's how you find me" stuff in my profile

user15026

But like...a lot of it is just....finding ways that work for you to cope with this stuff

user15026

(Do you have a preferred contact method? I'm honestly willing to help)

apaul

Let me check your profile brb

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: I am afraid of developing either romantic or sexual feelings for friends. What can I do?

This is not a post asking about how to have or develop romantic or sexual relationships. I want to enjoy the platonic companionship of friends. Yet at the same time, I am only capable of developing feelings of romantic love or sexual attraction to people who already mean a lot to me as friends. ...

apaul

02:02

Nothing there. I typically use telegram

user15026

That's one of the things I don't have but I can grab it, I mean I am dispersed over enough things, what's one more :P

apaul

Sorry, but it has good encryption

user15026

No worries

user15026

Alright, I got the thing, no idea how to add people

apaul

What's your handle?

user15026

02:11

Ash, same as here

apaul

Brb

@Ash Crap... It looks like it won't let me search you by username because your name is less than 5 characters

user15026

@apaul Oh, boo

apaul

What other things do you use?

user15026

Discord, Hangouts, Steam Chat, Twitter DMs, FB Messenger, I do have a Skype account still as well I could dust off

apaul

Hangouts should work

You're a mod on a site, which one?

user15026

02:23

Excellent!

user15026

@apaul Arqade

apaul

I have an account there, you can pull my email address without me needing to post it here, right?

Introverted Meta Man.

06:17

2

Q: "Recommend Deletion" should include a "Your answer has no examples" / "Your answer is not substantial enough" option

Many of the low-quality posts tend to surface as there aren't sufficient information in there (like elaboration, examples, anecdotes, sample situations, etc). Since IPS is moving towards having anecdotes and experiences in all of the answers here, I feel it is a good idea for the "Recommend Del...

feature-request

Magisch

→ 14 messages moved to Trash

Belle-Sophie

Well then.. my partner's colleague had been missing for 2 weeks. He reported in sick and never responded to phone calls.

Magisch

@apaul Personally, I remind myself that the reaction is usually what they're goading for

So I take pleasure in denying them the reaction they want out of me

Cashbee

morning all o/

Belle-Sophie

The company managed to contact his wife after a while. Soon-to-be ex-wife I guess. He fled the country due to debt.

Morning Cashbee ^^

Cashbee

06:29

@Belle-Sophie ouch

Belle-Sophie

Was here on a work visa. Left to the US overnight. Doesn't sound very legal...

Magisch

@Belle-Sophie sounds rough. And he left his wife behind?

@Belle-Sophie Depends on whether or not the US has an extradition / enforcement treaty with the netherlands

Journeyman Geek

@Magisch probably messy nonetheless

Magisch

If that isn't the case, he just can't visit a country that does have such a treaty with the netherlands anymore

A J

@Belle-Sophie What?

Belle-Sophie

06:40

@AJ Yep. He had dentist bills...

Apparently he didn't have health insurance. Which is mandatory over here.

Magisch

@Belle-Sophie Isn't that auto deducted from your paycheck?

At least that's how it is here in germany, you can't actually not have it

A J

@Belle-Sophie Ohh

Belle-Sophie

@Magisch No, you have to get it yourself. You can pick what type you want and how much coverage you want

Magisch

Hm, we have a nationally mandated level of coverage (everything besides cosmetic only stuff and pure electives, no copay, no deductible) and the different HCP's only differ in how many extra perks they give you

Belle-Sophie

You can for example pay a little extra towards insurance and then you can pick your own doctor. Terms are different depending on the insurance provider.

Magisch

06:43

And you get automatically deducted 14.0% of your pre-tax pay to pay for it

Belle-Sophie

It's not that different from here, then. The minimum coverage is also nationally mandated and mandatory. The health insurance provider tells the government you have it.

Magisch

You can for instance pay more for coverage that pays doctors extra to have you wait shorter times

Belle-Sophie

Ah, here it's just a flat amount. Mine's like 110 a month, but I have tons of perks included. If you work a minimum wage job or have no job, you get financial aid, which is 90 iirc. The cheapest available plans are around 90 too.

Magisch

@Belle-Sophie If you work min wage here you get substantial credit towards income tax and assistance so it roughly comes out to negating health insurance and retirement insurance

Cashbee

@Magisch does the question-protection allow new trusted users (the 101 rep ones) to post their answer?

Magisch

06:51

no

15 reputation earned on the site

Cashbee

ok

Extroverted Main Man

07:04

0

Q: Is it creepy to follow someone from tinder on Instagram?

I ran into this person that I was intrigued by on tinder. Well, they also have their Instagram account attached. I dig their feed, is it creepy to cross follow like that with no “match”?

introverts online-relationships flirting

Cashbee

ooh has the question flagging changed?

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee I dunno, has it? :P

Cashbee

I don't think I have seen "should be closed" before. it adds another level

now its i.e. should be closed > off topic > should-I

Tinkeringbell

I'm going to science :)

Cashbee

science away my friend

Mithrandir

07:12

@Cashbee Been there as long as I remember.

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Oh... flag - should be closed - off-topic - should I is different from close - offtopic :)

A J

@Cashbee It's simple. When you don't have CV privileges, you won't see the Close button. You can flag it to close. i.e should be closed->off-topic->should-I. Once you get privileges, the same popup will appear when you hit the Close button except the should-be-closed part. i.e off-topic->should-I

Cashbee

@Mithrandir no I swear this i snew

I haven't hit a significant rep milestone recently

@AJ ooooh i never noticed there were 2 different btns.. wut

whoopsie

A J

@Cashbee You can still follow the same step after getting privileges, but now you will vote to close instead of flag.

Magisch

I think it exists to prevent disruption of learned usage patterns

After a while, a whole lotta that closing stuff becomes muscle memory

Extroverted Main Man

07:41

0

Q: Friend owes me money - not giving it back

I lend my friend about 95$. I considered him a relatively close friend. I've always been a little forgetful, so after I lend him the money, it took some time for me to contact him about the exact amout of money he owes me. We recently visited an event where I took pictures with my camera and told...

friends relationships conflicts money trust

Belle-Sophie

I ordered a new wardrobe on bol.com (dutch amazon-like website). Just received shipment confirmation. "If you are not home at the time of delivery, we will attempt to put the delivery in your mailbox."

I have this image of this wardrobe in my mailbox in my mind now.

Journeyman Geek

sticking out, of course...

Imus

07:56

Cashbee

@Imus facepalm

Imus

could be worse. I heard a story from a youtuber who had his new computer delivered when he wasn't home. They just put hundreds of dolars worth of parts in front of his door (scary that it could be stolen) except for 1 important part (like the motherboard, but can't remember). So not only was he scared of his equipment being stolen, he couldn't do anything with it till he got that remaining part which they "weren't allowed to leave outside if you're not home" for some reason

Magisch

When I'm not home my packages always go to the post office where I can collect them

Never had a package mishandled

In fact, you can select to have them delivered directly to the post office here. And then you can fetch them from the post office with your ID

Imus

@Magisch Immagine the guy at the post office having to take a wardrobe just cause Belle-Sophie wasn't home XD

Tinkeringbell

@Magisch Same here. They try to deliver, if you're not there, they either drop it off at the neighbors (and you get a receipt saying they did), or schedule a redelivery.. You can then often pick the time for the redelivery :) If that fails too, you can go get your package at a pick up point

Magisch

08:02

@Tinkeringbell I actually specified on my account with DHL (shipping provider) that it should go to the post office directly. It has generous business hours and is on my way home

Imus

I now let small packages be deliverd in the "bring me" boxes at my job :) Postal services just put the package inside on my name, I can open the locker with my package using a QR code on my smartphone

Journeyman Geek

@Imus if anyone can toss a wardrobe like that, even disassembled, I'd be impressed

Tinkeringbell

@Magisch Hmmm... I do believe DHL does deliveries in the Netherlands, and sometimes they drop stuff of at the pick up point and other times they deliver to my front door...

Very weird, I haven't been able to identify a pattern ;)

Belle-Sophie

08:21

The "drop off directly at post office" box was disabled :(

Poor guy at the post office indeed

Extroverted Main Man

09:22

0

Q: How can a girl confront a burly tall man who jumped the line?

My 16-year-old sister (only 5"2') was waiting in line, when a muscular, sturdy, tall, heavily tattooed jumped the line in front of her. Nobody else were around them. She felt too scared by his brawny size to say anything, and just gawked and stared at him. He then spouted: What's the matter...

conflict-aversion canada

Tinkeringbell

09:39

@Belle-Sophie hahaha usually though the bigger packages come on trolleys or something, so it's not like they have to work that hard :0

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: How can I handle a co-worker awkwardly forcing herself into conversations?

Background: I've recently started working on a new project, in a team of around 10 people. I'm the only female on that team, but the guys are awesome and it's a great, fun group of people to work with. Once a week, we work at a location where there's another team of around 10 people, and we all ...

socializing coworkers netherlands

Imus

@Tinkeringbell on that question, is that other female also the only woman in "their" team of 10 people?

Tinkeringbell

@Imus Yeah... Not clear enough?

Imus

I could guess it but might be better to be a little more explicit about it

Tinkeringbell

@Imus Added it ;)

Is she the only female on her team as well? — AHamilton 1 min ago

You're not the only one :P

Imus

09:45

XD

the question feels that she doesn't feel too comfortable talking with men and was forced to do so for too long, which is why she now overcompensates by forcing herself onto you ...

but that's a lot of speculation on my part :)

Tinkeringbell

@Imus It may be, though I have no idea how long she's been on that team/project for ;) I was considering putting it in, but speculating as to her reasons for doing so didn't really seem useful for the question: If it isn't that, I'd like to still be able to achieve the same goal :)

Imus

since all we (even you) can do about it is speculate whether that's the case it's not useful to put it in

if you had been relatively sure it is, it might help understanding why she reacts the way she does and tailer your actions towards it

Tinkeringbell

Yeah... that was my train of thought too.

Belle-Sophie

Interactions between two females in male dominated fields can be odd in my experience.

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie I know, but I've never seen this kind of behaviour... I've seen people overcompensating on their female-ness by solely talking about laundry, makeup and whatever other girly stuff you can imagine.... or complaining loudly when football or cars are discussed

Imus

09:52

As a male I have no experience with it specifically :) Then again, I have a natural preference of hanging out with women so I might be acting a bit like that woman in the question :p

To the point where this question felt rather personal :p

Tinkeringbell

@Imus Uhoh...

If it's that bad... :P

Belle-Sophie

I am the only woman in our development team, until the woman who was a two years junior to me in uni joins the team in a few weeks. I've got some typically/historically male interests, though. I love cars (own a gti), photography, f1, pc games... but I also have a love for soaps and baths and for tailoring/knitting.

Imus

I'm getting along really well with one of the female colleagues to the point where my fiancé also got jealous ... but I hanled that waaay better than the OP there

like going along to Disneyland paris with her together with my GF and getting them to become friends as well :)

makes things so much easier

Belle-Sophie

I sometimes want to have woman-talks, but the guys in the office look at me weirdly when I talk about how amazing of a soap I made and the girls in hr look weird at me because I'm the car-loving programmer girl

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie I can have those talks about soaps and baths with some of the guys just fine, just like one of them has a wife that does tatting (and she IS good at it) and he's so proud and interested we can talk about that too

They all like to see the stuff I crochet

And I like to see pictures of their gardens, their kids, their cars ;)

Belle-Sophie

09:59

@Imus I introduced my boyfriend to my 'best friend' colleague too. That helped a lot!

Imus

Now my GF even sent that woman a whatsapp message to pass on invites to her 2 friends that went with us to Disney so they can come to the wedding as well :D

Belle-Sophie

@Imus ohhh fun! Early congrats!

@Tinkeringbell I need colleagues like yours

Imus

My current rule of thumb is that I tell everything to my soon-to-be-wife and if I would feel like I hesitate telling something I don't do it (yet) in the first place :)

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie We walk past a Lush on lunchbreak sometimes, and one co-worker and me both love baths so...

Belle-Sophie

@Tinkeringbell LUSH <3

Tinkeringbell

10:01

I'm going to splurge some money there just before my vacation (which is in two weeks, YAY!)

Imus

It's still a really weird situation to be in though :p I'm a really cuddly person and my GF is well, less cuddly. This girl from work is as cuddly as I am and at some point we started hugging each other goodby at work ...

Belle-Sophie

I sometimes take a trip to Lush. It's 70km each way though :(

Imus

I did get the 2 of them to cuddle in disneyland as well XD

Belle-Sophie

@Imus Awh <3

Imus

So I know my GF is a little bit jealous about that, but not to the point that she would trust me any less. She does jokingly takes it out on me though :p

At one point when that colleague broke up with her boyfriend I did give her a bit too much attention (from my GF's point of view) so her jealousy was justified. She pointed out to me that I was going too far, which is where the resemblence with that question comes in.

Funny thing is I naturally did what the accepted answer suggested

@Tinkeringbell I didn't know what a LUSH was and from that sentence assumed you meant you are planning to take a bath allong with a co-worker ...

Tinkeringbell

10:12

@Imus Hahaha oh nooo! not that :P They make great bath bombs and soaps :)

Imus

well, I did google LUSH which cleared things up :p was just too funny not to mention it XD

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie There's one very near Utrecht Centraal, so I sometimes take 30 minutes extra on my commutes to visit that one ;)

Belle-Sophie

I love Lush stuff. It's just so much better for my hair and skin and a lot cheaper than some stuff I had to try due to allergies.

But I started making my own soaps

A J

Lush?

Belle-Sophie

lush.com

I bought some stuff at Holland & Barett. Salt, oils, soaps. It's a bit of an investment, but it returns it pretty quickly.

Tinkeringbell

10:21

My skin does react to some of their stuff pretty bad too... We still haven't really figured it out, but apparently for laundry detergent it at least seems it shouldn't have more than 10 percent of nonionic surfactants! :P

Belle-Sophie

I also bought soap pumps at Ikea. And a mason jar for laundry detergent.

@Tinkeringbell Yeah, some stuff is pretty horrible

Tinkeringbell

We never figured it out exactly though... we had two bottles of detergent, and the purple kind gave me a rash, while the blue one didn't... we never figured out if it was the precentage, or the kind of nonionic surfactant used.

A J

I just do sandal facewash on my face, a couple of deodorant sprays and am ready to go.

I don't use anything else. More experiments, more problems.

Tinkeringbell

@Imus I now have an answer speculating exactly what started this conversation: that she feels like I'm some sort of lifeline ;)

@AJ I have a few brands I now usually stick to, too

Belle-Sophie

I gotta go. See ya all later! The internet people are coming to connect my internet :)

Tinkeringbell

10:33

I think I'm going to see if there's some lunch lying around :)

A J

I will have tea in an hour. :)

Extroverted Main Man

10:53

1

Q: Should I tell potential business partners that I am working on other projects as well?

As I would like get self employed I am working on several different business ideas in parallel together with different groups and individual people. Please note that on each individual project is getting worked by indvidual groups. Its not that I would work with two people (not knowing from eac...

privacy business

Extroverted Main Man

11:10

0

Q: How to tell my SO I am ashamed of people seeing us together

I have been dating a girl for almost one year and a half now. I am 24 and she is 22 and we are both from South America. We started as friends with benefits but after meeting for almost 6 months we started dating. I would like to point out that we really didn't talk about it, I just assumed that ...

relationships romance

A J

11:44

I am back after tea break.

Tinkeringbell

I've just got back from lunch too :P Mom kept me talking

A J

@Tinkeringbell Working from home?

Tinkeringbell

Yeah. I had enough trouble with the busses again yesterday, so I got permission to work from home again ;)

Those days aren't the most productive, but hey. At least I don't spent three hours in transit (one-way)

A J

@Tinkeringbell 3 hours? O.o That is double of what I spent in transit at one-way!

Tinkeringbell

Told you it was bad :P

FreezePhoenix

11:56

Good morning

A J

Good evening

Rainb

Hi, I'm socially impaired

FreezePhoenix

That explains why you aren't usually on at the same time as me... How are you doing?

@Rainb Hi :) I am too

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: What to do when my girlfriend is angry at me about a thing like this?

My girlfriend and I took a break from our relationship for a few months because it was affecting our studies. Now, a week before the incident I'm about to describe, everything was fine. After that, she was behaving weirdly, not talking much to me and other things. She gave chocolates to many of ...

relationships india romance apologies teenagers

Imus

@Tinkeringbell That was indeed my guess as well :D Looks like a good answer to me

Tinkeringbell

12:07

→ 3 messages moved to Trash

Rainb

so, uh do you learn how to be a people person here

Tinkeringbell

Depends... what do you think a people person is?

Do you really want to be one?

Rainb

Well, I do feel like a failure when I fail to achieve what I want socially. And I don't want to feel like a falure, so yes.

Tinkeringbell

12:24

@Rainb ;) I guess I was trying to make the point that the definition of 'people person' is quite broad, some people would say that's someone that can handle interacting with over 50 friends at a single party ;)

Someone that knows everybody

Other people would say a people person is just someone that makes them feel like they're taken seriously ;)

Rainb

what does it mean to know everybody?

Tinkeringbell

@Rainb Have a lot of contacts? One of those people where, when you talk to them, they say 'Ohh, I know someone that...' ;)

Rainb

Ahh, that's where it starts wrong, I don't know how to text, like at all

Tinkeringbell

Are they messages that invite a reply? Do they contain e.g. a question? :)

Or is it just random memes you're sending?

Rainb

Many times, yeah

nah, they do prompt for something.

I'm unsure how to continue.

Cashbee

12:29

i would say my gf is a people person because she has so many friends that she has regular contact with. this is my definition of people person

Rainb

Delete this person? Ask again later?

maybe both

I can't judge these things

There are no rules, and it makes me insane.

doppelgreener

You're fine

Mithrandir

I'm a bungling socially inept introvert and proud of it.

Rainb

how much should you trust a psychologist

Extroverted Main Man

1

Q: How do I stop the habit of gossiping in my office?

I have this bad habit of gossiping around everyone. Sometimes, it feels really embarrassing as I think that gossiping and backstabbing about my colleagues, I am not only cheating them but myself too. Me and one of my friend use to gossip about everyone in our office during lunch break. Although b...

conversations friends colleagues gossip

Rainb

12:45

@Mithrandir is pride good

Tinkeringbell

@Rainb How would you envision therapy if you didn't?

FreezePhoenix

@Rainb Depends on how awards they've one, and how nice they are.

@Rainb 'I do feel like a failure when I fail to achieve what I want socially.' That is good. That drives for improvement.

@Rainb Generally yes.

Rainb

@Tinkeringbell well you surely can't trust anyone that says trust me

Tinkeringbell

@Rainb You reap what you sow...

FreezePhoenix

I feel nostalgic... because I see a past version of myself. @Rainb I'm curios. What do you think you should do?

Rainb

12:54

@FreezePhoenix Why do I read then, many warnings about pride, and it's "evils"

FreezePhoenix

@Rainb Because too much pride can lead to blindness and carelessness for others. The doses @Mithrandir have are good for a person, because it promotes individuality, distinguishing who you are from the group, yet making you proud to be in the group.

(Not blindness literally)

Rainb

@FreezePhoenix Wait for the epiphany, might induce some euphoria, realize it isn't everything I want, get sad again, repeat, I don't know. I have no self steem. No feelings that I'm accepted. I feel like I lack judgment, so no decision is a good one.

FreezePhoenix

@Rainb Than I have something for you to do: Notice what decisions others make. Notice reactions to those decisions. Base your judgement accordingly. And most importantly, find something you like to do. Stick to it. Let it become a part of who you are.

Rainb

Hmmm..

FreezePhoenix

13:29

Oh snap. User talked back to mod

sphennings

@FreezePhoenix Please don't try to stir up controversy. This isn't supposed to be a place for people to be catty about the goings on of the site.

@Cashbee Are you aware of magic links yet? You might find them helpful if you are going to keep leaving comments like that for new members.

Cashbee

@sphennings do you mean [edit] and such? i only know edit

FreezePhoenix

@sphennings Oh, yeh. Sorry.

sphennings

@Cashbee Yes there's a bunch of them I use [help], [tour] and [meta] all the time.

Cashbee

@sphennings also, this is an autocomment that I borrowed from mith and tink

sphennings

13:40

354

Q: Add data.SE style "magic links" to comments

Ask yourself how many times you typed the following in a Comment: [meta](https://meta.stackexchange.com) Me, personally, I'm sick of it. Can we have some data.stackexchange.com-style "magic links" inn comments? (inn~iff)

feature-request status-completed comments chat magic-links

Nice

Imus

13:57

I did not know about it

sorry for spamming this chat :) (although playing around in a chat get's features more visible to others)

**participate when people are practicing their smalltalk skills**
did it count as smalltalk? :p

Tinkeringbell

It does, that's true ;)

hahaha okay you win ;) Just ... if everyone want to play for more than 50 messages, it might be time to move ;)

Imus

wait, why didn't it put that text in bold? ... -.-

Cashbee

@Imus multiline msgs are not formatted

Imus

good to know :o

Cashbee

→ 60 messages moved to Trash

Extroverted Main Man

14:08

2

Q: Talking to boyfriend about his close female friends

About our relationship: My boyfriend and I have been together happily for two years now. We both love each other very much and we're always growing closer. We're planning to move in together in a few months, but for these whole two years we've always had one underlying issue. The problem: My b...

conversations united-states relationships

Rainb

what is aic

Mithrandir

Answer in comments.

avazula

14:44

Hi there! I hope y'all have a great Friday!

Tinkeringbell

It's about to get better soon! Almost weekend :D

avazula

@Tinkeringbell Yay! 1 hour left for me! :D

Cashbee

@avazula hey there! one.. more.. hour!

Tinkeringbell

15 minutes? :D

avazula

You lucky!

I plan not to come home too late, since it's a National Holiday weekend

And it's gonna tonnns of people down the road

Cashbee

14:48

0

Q: How do we handle answers in which there was already an identical existing answer?

It seems to me like I can pop into any random question, and unless it's a borderline case, there's always one answer that is duplicated 3-4 times throughout. Some pertinent cases: How to convince my wife that my best friend and I are just friends? How do I tell a love interest I'm probably too ...

discussion answers exact-duplicates

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee I was about to start chiding introvertedmetaman again :P

Cashbee

haha

i just thought it did not receive any views. Also maybe to get some more eyes on my answer. I'm availabel for feedback

avazula

@Cashbee I just did. I was wondering how you would decide which answers to flas as NaA. Would sound unfair to me that the first to post gets flagged too, but sometimes there's only seconds between two submissions, so ... What's your plan?

Cashbee

@avazula already answered ^^

avazula

I just saw, thanks @Cashbee ahah :D

Cashbee

14:54

even if there are only seconds. first come first serve

avazula

Mmh. And you're currently applying this policy?

Mithrandir

On the other hand, we really don't need to encourage FGITW more. That'll just degrade quality further

avazula

I'm wondering if this wouldn't dissuade lots of people to answer (I'm not saying that's neither a good or bad thing, the truth is, I have no idea).

Cashbee

@Mithrandir how often did it happen to you here on IPS that some other guy posted the same answer as you, seconds or even minutes before you did?

avazula

Hi @Mithrandir! Hope you're doing great! :)

sphennings

14:56

If there's two answers that are that close to each other it's less important than answers that are posted hours apart.

Mithrandir

@avazula things're going okay, although I have to run in a minute. You?

avazula

@Cashbee Well TBH it happens oftentimes to me (abt 1 over 3 answers I attempt to post). It's not exactly the same of course, but similar enough for making me abort

Mithrandir

@Cashbee never. I don't generally write answers here. I've written... 2.

avazula

@Mithrandir I'm glad for you! I'm good too :)

Cashbee

Well, if that one other guy wants to be the FGITW, then his answer will reflect that - it will not be as good as you yourself can do with more time. If you post an answer that resembles an existing FGITW answer but yours is much more detailed and thought through, I would NOT count that as a duplicate

avazula

15:01

@Cashbee I think I get your point. On the other hand, I'm a bit afraid since I don't know how users would react to this.

Tinkeringbell

I guess we have to think about how long it'll take to write a great answer... which can easily take up to an hour.

Cashbee

@avazula "would" react to this? this has been this way since the dawn of time, has it not?

avazula

@Cashbee I've never flagged any answer because of duplicates. Only questions.

Cashbee

@avazula I have, plenty

avazula

@Cashbee I guess I'm not around often enough :)

Cashbee

15:03

they were mostly simple answers on HNQ by new users who didn't read the other answers

avazula

@Cashbee Well, yes, I agree. Actually I'd see them as VLQ or NaA

For most of the time, they're not backed-up or rely on anecdotes

Cashbee

@avazula yes, but most of them could have been flagged as try this or something, but they were most of all duplicates

avazula

@Cashbee Okay, I see what you mean. :)

You've shared your answer in chat to have more opinions about it?

Cashbee

yup

also after reading the last comment by op, im unsure if he knows what he is talking abou

Anoplexian

Cash, I think the problem comes in when the first isn't the highest voted.

So for instance if we take too long, then the 3rd one may gain popularity. Which do we delete as non-answers?

Cashbee

15:10

oh cool now we can chat without comments. thanks for dropping by

Anoplexian

Also, I have no idea what I'm talking about....hence the question about it. :P

Yeah it was getting a bit lengthy and I was just getting a bit longer with it, till the point where I had a few potential issues.

Cashbee

@Anoplexian and by "knows not what he's talking about" I meant i didnt understand your last commetn

Anoplexian

Didn't want to explode it.

Cashbee

@Anoplexian the latest. When flagging stuff, popularity is of no concern

but if the last gained so much popularioty, that answer must have something distinct about it. don't you think?

Rainb

@FreezePhoenix This is a nice message

Cashbee

15:12

in that case, it is NOT a duplicate

avazula

What would you think of making the welcome tour mandatory? There's plenty of users appearing on IPS (surely on other SEs too) after question got on HNQ, and they give their 2 cents without having any idea on how to write good answer/comment

Anoplexian

Well, if I flag as not an answer, the description for it isn't "This is a duplicate", but instead is not attemptng to answer.

Cashbee

13 mins ago, by Cashbee

Well, if that one other guy wants to be the FGITW, then his answer will reflect that - it will not be as good as you yourself can do with more time. If you post an answer that resembles an existing FGITW answer but yours is much more detailed and thought through, I would NOT count that as a duplicate

@Anoplexian yes. that is why I said in my answer that I would be okay with having a new flag "duplicate answer". But as long as we don't have it, use not-an-answer

Anoplexian

That would be more fair imo. I had no idea we were using NAA like that, but I also don't trawl meta constantly looking for new questions to answer there.

But I think that would be a bit offputting @avazula.

avazula

@Anoplexian Luckily we're learning everyday :) I've been around for almost a year and I still have a lot to learn

@Anoplexian Well ... yeah. Is that a problem?

I'd rather have way less answers (but of good quality) than having all 5k+ views questions getting protected

Anoplexian

15:17

I'm just a bit dicey on not auto-flagging after protection. It's not like the review queue is all that filled at any point, and it wouldn't be that much of an influx because not many get protected.

Maybe.

I think the issue would become retention of the info though.

avazula

@Anoplexian I'm not sure I get what you mean?

Anoplexian

If answering is a forced tour, it'll just be a "Terms of Service" skipover.

Sorry, that was @Cash

And also review queues aren't handled immediately regardless of the time. I'd prefer a slower review queue for quality than instant gratification. If you're a high enough rep, you can just take action anyway.

Cashbee

@avazula this has ofc also been discussed many times here ^^ it would be like accepting the terms and conditions. nobody's gonna read it. The tour is only being read by people who are actually interested in it. Forcing the tour down the throat of new users will not result in people actually reading it

avazula

@Cashbee 'not surprising either way :)

I don't know. I'm divided between the will of having good quality answers (and taking the risk of loosing many people willing to get involved along the way), and letting everyone have to express their opinion (and spend these daily minutes of moderation grunting)

Anoplexian

That's why I had a third suggestion.

Lock it for a higher threshold after protection.

Cashbee

15:29

@avazula where is the people loss coming from?

avazula

@Cashbee I'd say from the strict rules we observe in order to guarantee the help's quality?

I rarely ask questions here but everytime I did, I had at least 15 comments either criticizing my choice or saying "me too!" and it's sometimes difficult to politely explain that IPS is not the place for that.

What do you think about that @Cashbee?

Cashbee

honestly i do not follow that train of thought. But I have to go now. If you want, we can continue this next week. Have a nice weekend you all!

avazula

@Cashbee My little finger tells me this is a conversation that will keep popping in meta and/or chat :) Enjoy your weekend!

Extroverted Main Man

15:59

0

Q: How to influence a Executive who is masters at reading people?

I recently came in know about a Career Adviser, who is also a Executive of the company he works at and also a Harvard graduate. He is bold and mentally tough guy specializes in personality development and reading people. Though I not met him personally, but I want to have a internship at the comp...

making-friends written-interaction

Rainb

17:03

does the ips comment bot implement machine learning

scohe001

@Rainb Nope (or not yet at least). We have a set of hand written regex that it tries to match. We're just rating the regex so that we can see later how effective they are

Rainb

aahh

I wonder if there is something that generate regexes from input and true and false conditions

wait offtopic

scohe001

If you're more interested in this type of thing, it looks like there's a thread on SO about it ;)

Could probably drop that link in one of their chat rooms and I'm sure they'd be happy to go on about it

@Tinkeringbell "I get it, people have all sorts of opinions on this" might come off as a little snarky...maybe you could reword as "A lot of varying opinions have been expressed here, but comments are not the place for that. I'll repeat what..."?

Tinkeringbell

@scohe001 Pfft... too Dutch huh? :P

scohe001

@Tinkeringbell Haha I think your comment is spot on, but with our growing reputation, it can't hurt to be careful :P

Tinkeringbell

17:18

@scohe001 Better now? :)

scohe001

Looks good to me :)

Tinkeringbell

Okay :) Then I'm droppig off for a while now ;)

DaveG

18:00

I was wondering why some comments show up immediately and some you have to clink the "show all comments" link? I thought it might have something to do with upvoted comments but seems like some comments with no upvotes show up, some don't. I end up clicking the link to see all because usually there are some comments that don't make sense unless you can see what they are replying to.

Executive summary: is there a setting for "always show me all the comments"?

Tinkeringbell

18:11

@DaveG I don't think there is ;)

I believe that it may have something to do with the number of comments on a post, if there are many they are collapsed and the upvotes ones shown

scohe001

@DaveG You're definitely not the first to be upset by this. Read more on Meta: meta.stackexchange.com/questions/24490/…

Tinkeringbell

There's also this little thing with the number of answers that influences the collapsing, I believe

scohe001

Ahh and here's a direct answer to your question of whether there's a default "always show all" option:

13

Q: Can I disable hidden comments (i.e. display all comments)

Is there a means by which I can turn on the display of all comments by default? I don't like having hidden comments I have to explicitly click on. Especially when I want to search a page for a particular comment.

feature-request status-declined comments

(TL;DR it was something that they were prepared to bake in but there didn't seem to be support so they put it in the "status-deferred" black hole)

DaveG

18:34

Ok thanks. It's not a big deal. I just realized that I'd be reading comments and get to something that didn't make sense, and then think "oh yeah, I better scroll down and click show all". Come to think of it maybe just moving the "show x more comments" to the top of the comments list would take care of the problem.

scohe001

That was also suggested :)

Looks like those threads are all pretty old though. You could probably try to push again if you're willing to write up a Meta question

Tinkeringbell

@scohe001 That's generally not recommended on MSE I believe. I think that'd be closed as a duplicate then ;)

DaveG

ah... I particularly love how the answer to the suggestion doesn't even mention putting the link at the top. Seems like it would be a pretty trivial fix. Maybe somebody will get bored on a Friday and put it in.

scohe001

@Tinkeringbell Ah my lack of meta experience is showing :P thanks for the catch Tink

Tinkeringbell

@scohe001 I'm not a 100 percent sure either, but I've spent some time in the MSE chatroom and there's a lot of duplicate voting going on ;)

scohe001

18:59

@Mithrandir is the 1tps/0fps numbers for that regex? Or for that comment?

sphennings

@scohe001 It's for the comment

That way we can go back and see what the false positives for a regex are.

Extroverted Main Man

19:47

2

Q: How to set boundaries to a younger sister who wants to live in my house?

Some quick background. I am the second of five children in my family. I live with my older sister in a city located at 88 miles from our hometown. I'm 27 years old and my sister is 29. Meanwhile the rest of my family live in my hometown. The problem My youngest sister (20) had been acting the...

siblings

scohe001

20:08

Ahh good call @sphennings, thanks!

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