The Awkward Silence

Bryan Krause

00:34

Will do. Guess it wasn't actually toxicity that flagged it, anyhow. I'll let the rest of the community decide on the post.

Extroverted Main Man

01:34

0

Q: Should I offer donate my blood or would that just give a false hope?

My girlfriend's grandad is suffering from a cancer that is now at a late stage. He's also suffering from related problems like internal bleeding. Doctors say he needs blood transfusions, but hospitals in the area are scarce in blood and hus case is not critical enough, so he cannot receive transf...

0

Q: How to signal unavailability for a romantic or sexual relationship without elaborating on relationship status or personally rejecting someone?

Background I'm in a happily monogamous relationship. I also am friends with someone I used to date. My friend and I generally void the subject of dating/romance now because it can be a sore subject that stirs up feelings. I hope in time that this restriction will ease up as we adjust to just bei...

friends awkward-situations romance

scohe001

02:44

@IPSCommentBot fp

apaul

02:56

This one bothers me a bit, but I'm not sure if anything more than downvoting can be done about it: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16375/59

Journeyman Geek

@apaul sadly, sometimes that's the best you can do

Even when stuff's less subjective

apaul

Really wish we were allowed to interpret the "don't be a jerk" in the be nice policy more liberally.

Journeyman Geek

ehh

erm

I'm not sure of the best way to put it, but I totally dont think this sort of situation is what they had in mind

and gender/sexuality issues aside, this does sound like a bit of a minefield

apaul

It is, that's why treading carefully is important.

Journeyman Geek

Despite the choice of words there's a few useful bits in the answer - that he needs to be open with his SO about this, and he needs to be sure his friend is ok with that specific orientation... and sometimes you just wanna stay friends else ...

apaul

03:05

Things said more gently in other answers...

Journeyman Geek

True.

(and I'd say, these decisions are a lot easier on tech sites)

apaul

Yuuupppp

Journeyman Geek

(Even then, we don't always delete 'wrong' answers, there's even a flag rejection reason for it)

apaul

I dunno, struggling with the feeling that the motives for posting weren't as pure as they ought to be. But it's on just this side of the the line...

Journeyman Geek

oh

the question?

apaul

03:07

The answer

Journeyman Geek

ah

Well, If I were answering, I'd use the term minefield ;p

apaul

Would you use the term "revolting"

Journeyman Geek

hmm

no, but I can see why someone might

I see a few decent concepts there - and different people have differing levels of comfort with situations

apaul

Those little overtones of homophobia get to a person after a while... Someone being this vulnerable, this publicly, shouldn't have to deal with that. Takes a lot of courage to come out that far... Then people have to remind them why it takes courage. Just sucks.

Catija

03:28

@apaul I've made some edits. I think you're right that the tone is judgemental and some of the phrasing is really unfortunate. I hope its an improvement.

Magisch

08:37

Something about ips: meta.stackexchange.com/questions/312471/…

Tinkeringbell

Noticed, flagged for closure. And I'm not sure what to do about it, since it's apparently a book quote that's offending them...

Magisch

presumably they want the answer edited or r/a deleted, and possibly penalties applied to the answerer

Cashbee

I don't see the problem here.Well i do see it, but i disagree

Magisch

@apaul Such an interpretation would cut both ways. Would you be comfortable with that?

Tbh I don't find the answer merits any action from moderator site. Yes, it's a bit on the nose, but not overly insulting imo

Tinkeringbell

@Magisch The part I've been struggling with... a lot of these posts seem to focus on 'oh, it's so fine you're feeling this way, really, it's perfectly normal' instead of just taking the question at face value and saying 'here's the interpersonal skills you need to solve this'.

I can get a bit of mirroring and validation in an answer, but some are really overdoing it IMO

Magisch

08:53

The answer in question is basicly 3/4 lamenting straight fragility and then a tiny sentence about how they need to be honest and maybe find other people to do it with

Tinkeringbell

Okay. So I'm definitely not the only one seeing that. That helps.

Tinkeringbell

09:05

Goes the other way too btw, we also do get a lot of 'oooh, you shouldn't feel this way, really, here's how you should feel instead'.

Marcus

09:22

o/ 'sup

Imus

\o hi Marcus

Mithrandir

Can I have some eyeballs? interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16387/31

Imus

it's gone :)

Tinkeringbell

@Mithrandir My eyeballs hurt now. :P

Mithrandir

Try this? interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/5584/31

Tinkeringbell

09:36

@Mithrandir Hmmm... I'm more leaning towards closing and cleaning up the entire question.

I've asked other mods for their opinions on it :)

Mithrandir

(psst, I haven't looked at the question yet, I'm working up from the bottom)

Imus

that answer looks like a "do this"

without any explanation

Tinkeringbell

@Imus Yep. We have to wonder how much good it will do to ask them to actually answer the question though, if the question isn't that good either ;)

Imus

can we vote to delete "do this" answers when there's highly upvoted (and an accepted) other answers already?

Mithrandir

How can Bob be one of your six housemates while still living with his parents? Are his parents also your housemates? — terdon Oct 19 '17 at 8:42

Tempted to VTC Unclear.

Tinkeringbell

09:40

@Imus Sure, why not?

@Mithrandir Unclear, off-topic (what should I do), too broad. It's hitting multiple marks. And OP apparently deleted their account after, so no-one will improve it if it's closed?

Mithrandir

Yeah.

Belle-Sophie

@Mithrandir I take it as they go to their parents on the weekend. Some students did that where I studied. Other students considered those people to still 'live with their parents'. But that's my interpretation, the question can really use clarification.

Cashbee

hi @Belle-Sophie o/

Belle-Sophie

hi ^^

I found a Tony's bar in my desk drawer at work that I forgot was there. I am happy now.

Tinkeringbell

I want desk drawers (and surprise chocolate) now too !

Ah well. I get to do the grocery shopping today, so guess what I'm getting :)

Journeyman Geek

09:54

chocolate?

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek :D

Lots of it. I feel I can use some in the near future too :P

Journeyman Geek

hah

(I have a bag of the good stuff, but it stretches a bit )

Belle-Sophie

My boss told me "We want Google Maps integration in our software! Make it!". When I asked what exactly he wanted, he said "dunno, just do something"

So I am eating chocolate now. I think that's a good "do something".

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie Nice! :)

@JourneymanGeek Hmmm. I was planning on just getting a bar or two. But a bag sounds good too :D

Journeyman Geek

@Tinkeringbell mild blasphemy but I'm inordinately fond of this brand from newzealand that basically sells little bags of mini bars.

Belle-Sophie

10:00

@JourneymanGeek Like Mars bars?

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek Sounds a bit like Koetjesreep is in the Netherlands... but those taste horrible :P

Belle-Sophie

@Tinkeringbell THEY DO! Finally someone who agrees with me.

Journeyman Geek

Tinkeringbell

Those do look slightly better than Koetjesreep ;)

Imus

can't remember how koetjesreep tastes

I must've tasted it as a kid but is too long ago

and didn't like chocolate at all as a kid either , so might be biased :p

Journeyman Geek

10:03

It looks like the sort of thing you give little children who have underdeveloped senses of taste

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek Hahaha probably true, I don't see many adults eating them :P Although my dad got one each day he stayed in a hotel a few months back :)

Journeyman Geek

also my mom has me on a bit of a diet sooooo

also I work in the middle of nowhere so... ;p

Imus

@JourneymanGeek does that mean that your mom telling you not to makes you buy them in secret more than you would normally? :p

Journeyman Geek

@Imus naw. We keep it in stock, but since I help grocery shop, if we run out... we're out ;p

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek Uhoh. It's never good if mom's get involved :P

Journeyman Geek

10:07

@Tinkeringbell oh she just nags a lot

about everything

and I'm not really food motivated. Just sedentary

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek Oh. I do get that too. I don't like to be active :P

Belle-Sophie

I'll have to do my own grocery shopping from now on. Moving out officially Friday. Scary and exciting!

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie Ey! Nice! Good luck! :D

Cashbee

@Belle-Sophie that's a big step, I hope it turns out well. You can do it

Belle-Sophie

I already slept there a few times. Tried to cook too. I made pancakes Sunday morning. I poured the batter in the pan when I found out I didn't have a spatula...

I learned how to flip pancakes last Sunday :D

Hehe, thanks all ^^

Imus

10:20

that means you can cook about any relatively simple meal from a cook book too

Belle-Sophie

@Imus I hope so :) I used to cook the stuff my mom bought, that went fine. Now I actually have to come up with stuff to eat myself! My partner is not a good source of inspiration. He calls me 'difficult' when I ask him what he would like to eat. (In jest, of course, but still leaves the deciding to me.)

Imus

hint: make a list of foods you both like that you can fall back to if you don't have inspiration. "We haven't eaten this in a while, this good for you?" That way all he has to do is say yes without thinking and get something he likes anyway :)

Belle-Sophie

@Imus That's actually a really good idea!

Imus

Yup, if only my GF and I made such a list when we came up with that in the first place XD

now it's a "we should make such a list ... you know something we haven't eaten in a while?"

Belle-Sophie

We came up with whole lists of stuff we could eat when we'd move out before we moved out. Now it's "what shall we eat? dunno"

A J

10:39

@Mithrandir I missed the fun.

@Mithrandir from the bottom? Are you an OOP language? :P

Cashbee

@Imus @Belle-Sophie in other words, make your own cookbook. Or your own what-shall-we-eat-webapp

dayum, got a new home project

Mithrandir

@IPSCommentBot tp

Marcus

11:19

man some of these questions are just...

idk

Belle-Sophie

There's something about them

My work is a little in the middle of nowhere. Just hiked the 1.5km to town. Bought a sandwich and hiked back. Feels good :)

I should do that more often. Sitting on my butt all day makes me lazy.

Cashbee

is lazy not good?

for me it is

@IPSCommentBot tp

Belle-Sophie

Depends. Lazy sparks great solutions. But my body fails me sometimes, so I need to get it back in shape.

I think I'm going to buy myself a kayak and go kayaking in the evenings

Extroverted Main Man

11:35

0

Q: How to apologise for not recognising someone

Recently I was at an academic conference where I met a famous academic in the my area during the banquet dinner. However, for some reason I haven't recognised the name and the physical figure of the person (he looks different in the picture that usually comes attached in the "about the authors" s...

relationships politeness apologies

0

Q: How to explain that we are not comfortable with a new boyfriend staying at our house?

My wife is having a friend staying over with us at the end of the month for a visit. She asked if she could bring her new (~2 months) boyfriend along as well. We are not comfortable with this for multiple reasons. In order of importance to us: We have never met this guy before, and we aren’t co...

conversations friends united-states saying-no

Cashbee

I think I'm going to buy myself a motorized bicycle and be even lazier in the evening

Imus

I have 4 times 5~10 minute walks a day (walking to and from bus stops), does that count?

Cashbee

@Imus oof, you're sportive

Marcus

its a warm-up at least

Imus

Ah and another almost 10 minute walk to go buy some food in our company shop :) (in case I didn't make my lunch in the morning, which happens way too often)

Marcus

11:39

its something.

Belle-Sophie

That's something, I guess :)

Cashbee

Do you also have to write code yourself sometimes, or can you dictate it to an intern like me?

Imus

I doubt playing table-soccer one floor up here counts as being active right?

I have to type it all myself ... sadly

Cashbee

one floor up counts

Belle-Sophie

I walk down the stairs to the car in the morning and back up the stairs to my office when I get to work and opposite when I go back home.

Imus

11:41

towards my bus stop in the morning is just a 5 ish minute flat walk. From the bus to my desk takes 10 minutees and first goes up roughly 2 (maybe more) floors, then down again, to go up roughly 1 floor again ... those hills are annoying :p

Cashbee

I have to walk down 3 floors in the morning to go out of the house, then climb 3 floors because I forgot my phone, then go down 3 floors again

every

time

Belle-Sophie

I live on the 2nd floor now, and my car is in the basement, so three floors down (europe floors). And I work on the second floor. So two floors up.

There's an elevator in both places but I need to get my exercise somewhere

Magisch

I bike to work and back (~4.5km every day)

Belle-Sophie

@Magisch You're too sporty for this place.

Magisch

I'm a massively lazy person

Belle-Sophie

11:45

Biking to work. Sheesh. What are you thinking? That's effort.

Imus

https://www.google.be/maps/@50.8811153,4.6732031,3a,60y,8.04h,95.3t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1s7TKm0IY4Ydj1luxDMPBXOw!2e0!7i13312!8i6656
the "stairs" I got to climb every day :)

Magisch

I just dont have a drivers license or car

Imus

oh no, now you know where I work as well :o :p

Cashbee

@Imus or live

or your commute

Imus

if you zoom out you'd know I don't "live" there :p

Magisch

11:47

@Imus Imust'nt :p

Imus

if I would go to work by car I would STILL have to do those stairs ... our parking lot is at the top of them

now I walk past the parking lot, back down to the road behind it to take my bus

Belle-Sophie

I know where your work lives!

Cashbee

lel

Imus

There's only roughly 8000 employees here (might be more) so you almost know who I am now :p

Belle-Sophie

Haha

Imus

11:50

oh wait, you already know I'm a programmer, which leaves only roughly 150 :)

And that I'm a man .. which leaves roughly 150 :p

Cashbee

how many java devs?

:D

Belle-Sophie

Not like 149?

Imus

there's actually multiple women working here ^^,

Belle-Sophie

If you know where I work, it leaves about 150 employees. If you know that I'm a programmer, it leaves about 45. If you know I'm a woman, that leaves exactly 1.

Soon 2, yay!

Imus

the main software devs (mostly java) is roughly 70 I think. But there's another team that also develops possibly in java (don't know what they do)

Magisch

11:52

If you know where I work and that I work as a software developer and sysadmin, you're down to 1

If you then know I'm data protection officer you can even find my contact info on the 'web

Imus

there's at least 6 woman in those 70 on my floor :)

Cashbee

If you know where I work and what my name is, you're down to 1 also

our IT department has 3 noses

doppelgreener

Imus

11 women out of 73 on our floor :o

Belle-Sophie

My identity is not exactly a secret, I don't go out of my way to hide it. One time though, someone with a crush on me figured out I studied in the same town as he lived.

He kind of stalked me, that was awkward. Luckily, he had to move away after a few weeks. Good riddance.

@Imus That's a lot :O We had like 5 women out of some 80 students. And next month we'll have 2 women programmers working here, out of 60. The consultant department has 0 women.

Imus

11:58

oh actually 12 out of 74 since the transgender woman started working here again as well (was gone for over a year in her transition)

and I know it's a lot

Belle-Sophie

I also applied for a job close to you (Kontich). I'd be the first woman in the company.

Imus

in uni it was also under 1 in 10 (although I can't remember just how many there were)

Belle-Sophie

I picked this offer instead though, was not looking forward to Antwerp rush hour

Imus

antwerp is sorta OK

it's the ring around Brussel that's always completely stuck

Belle-Sophie

Kennedytunnel can be really bad in the morning, though

Especially where the E17 and E34 come together

Imus

12:02

hmm, yeah, that one's always stuck as well :p

Belle-Sophie

I've never been in Brussel traffic. If I need to be there, it's at the airport, so I take the train instead.

Imus

We live close to the airport, so we drive away from it in the morning and we can see the other side in a major jam XD

Belle-Sophie

Haha, I have something similiar with the place I now live too. It's hilarious.

Imus

My GF complains about it when she has to go to her office in Gent

in the evening she doesn't have a choice but take the ring

Belle-Sophie

It's gotten worse with Zoutelande being such a popular song. Everyone goes to Zoutelande and Domburg in the morning, but I drive the other way. And in the evening they're all going back and I drive the other way again.

Imus

12:06

hah, lol

Belle-Sophie

I don't understand! Why do tourists want to go to Zoutelande so badly? Because there's a song about it?

There's nothing there! Vlissingen and Middelburg are more fun.

Well, Middelburg doesn't have a beach. But Vlissingen does.

DaveG

12:25

I was trying to see the latest activity on a post so I clicked the "sort by active" link. But that doesn't seem to work... the latest post didn't show up first?

ah i think i see what's going on - looks like it puts the accepted answer first, rest of answers in order of activity.

Cashbee

12:39

@DaveG exactly

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek raid succesful:

Imus

that's a bit much for an afternoon snack you know :p

Tinkeringbell

@Imus Huh? no it isn't!

Makes for a perfect dinner though :P

Journeyman Geek

.... Chocolate menthos?

Tinkeringbell

Don't worry. I already put it away for later ;)

@JourneymanGeek Chocolate and caramel yes.

Never knew that existed, thought I'd try

Cashbee

12:53

@Tinkeringbell now that is mean

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Yeah.. it's a pretty average collection of chocolate

I don't really like funny tastes

Cashbee

"I don't really like funny tastes" she says and buys choco mentos

Imus

@Cashbee was thinking the same thing XD

Tinkeringbell

It's chocolate and caramel. I'm pretty sure it won't taste like mentos too! :P

I'm guessing they're like this:

That's the kind of candy that can make me shut up for an hour... by sticking my teeth together

Cashbee

@Tinkeringbell I hoped that would be a shit emoji

Tinkeringbell

12:59

@Cashbee Sorry to disappoint? :P

Cashbee

I don't want to rob you of your joy about choco mentos. I have never had 'em neither so I don't know why I am defaming them

Tinkeringbell

I hope they don't get all sticky so I have trouble getting them out of the roll :P

sphennings

I just got my first upvote on a question I asked on SO back in 2010

I'd forgotten I'd even asked that question.

Tinkeringbell

Someone probably has the same obscure problem as you now :P

If you managed to fix it, you could self-answer and maybe help them out ;)

sphennings

13:18

@Tinkeringbell I got an answer when I asked it 8 years ago.

Belle-Sophie

They taste exactly like these amazon.com/Meller-Caramel-Chocolate-Chews-Candy/dp/B00QHDMTT4

Imus

here, have a second upvote :p

sphennings

@Imus Thanks but please only upvote if you find the question useful.

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie Oooh... I have had those a long time ago :)

They should be good then :)

Belle-Sophie

Did anyone else just receive an email from SO about friendliness and a survey and a remote workshop? And a $50 amazon gift card that I like the sound of.

Imus

13:20

@Belle-Sophie I do know werther's original, which may also be exactly the same. Tastes good as well :)

Belle-Sophie

@Imus Werther's are a little harder. The mentos ones are soft.

Imus

@Belle-Sophie that would require me to actually read e-mails ... I don't usually :p

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie I didn't. But I'm not that active on SO. It may be related to them trying to gather data on comments? stackoverflow.blog/2018/07/10/…

Belle-Sophie

@Imus Lol. It's related to this blog post, the email says: medium.com/@jayhanlon/welcome-wagon-dd57cbdd54d9

Tinkeringbell

@Belle-Sophie Go take it. It's important!

Also, @Imus go check your mail.

Imus

13:26

I didn't get it ... but probably turned off email after the whole GDPR spam thing :)

also: you can't tell me what to do :p

Belle-Sophie

I filled in the survey a while back, about friendliness

Tinkeringbell

Oh yeah. I just checked my e-mail settings. I have the surveys turned off ;)

@Imus I just did, so apparently I can! :P

Imus

Nononono, that's not how it worked. I just checked my eMail cause I got curious, and after that you told me to check it

you have no power over me :p except abusing my curiosity which probably means you can make me do anything you want anyway

Belle-Sophie

The trick is to make people believe that it was their own idea all along

Cashbee

13:40

@Belle-Sophie is that a rick and morty quote? :D

Belle-Sophie

@Cashbee Not intended. Never watched it.

apaul

14:08

@Magisch The post was edited by a mod. Tone says something, and in that case it was borderline, but I couldn't shake the feeling that they were skirting the line somewhat deliberately.

Magisch

@apaul That was about your answer. Someone on MSE complained about it

The conversation was about that

apaul

@Tinkeringbell There was very little mirroring or validation in my answer there, but I did try to address the whole question. (Questions are more than the bot with the questionark for a reason.)

Cashbee

@IPSCommentBot tp

apaul

@Magisch link?

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Hmmm... I still find it very little focused on the 'how to ask' part and a lot on the 'here's why it's okay to feel like this'. Anyway, what did came up: "Straight men have some serious hangups about being perceived as anything other than straight men"... mind making that a little less applicable to every straight man?

Magisch

14:13

6 hours ago, by Magisch

Something about ips: https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/312471/violation-of-the-code-of-conduct‌-be-nice-policy

Cashbee

yea why always us

Magisch

remember, the code of conduct does cut both ways

It's not ok to be unwelcoming to anyone under it

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Anyway... the quote is okay I guess, but your own statement could use the little nuance that quote has too.. 'A lot of straight men' or 'Straight men may have' appeals to a much broader audience.

Cashbee

I find the sentence in question to be true. I identify as straight male. But I do see that it could probably be reworded to not put every straight man under that assumption, just like tink said

Magisch

From an outside perspective (I'm not straight) I can see how people would percieve that as insulting, though

sphennings

14:20

@apaul When has anyone belittling you ever caused you to change your worldview? I know it's frustrating to see the effects of toxic masculinity but think about your goal. Perhaps it might be more effective to provide positive examples of less toxic forms of masculinity for them to learn from.

apaul

Was the intent to be unwelcoming or to talk candidly?

Magisch

welcome to the debate that has been raging on mso and mse for the past month

also according to the code of conduct, intent is of no concern

If something is unwelcoming, it must go. The intent behind it doesn't factor into that or potential punishments

sphennings

@apaul Intent only counts for so much. Does it matter to you if the hurtful thing I said was intended to be hurtful or not? It still hurts that it was said.

apaul

And they call me a snowflake... SMH I edited to qualify "Many straight men"

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Thank you.

Magisch

14:26

@apaul Like I said, bring the same courtesy you expect others to bring to you

even if it feels wrong and disproportional

apaul

@Magisch That's kinda the thing.

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Now I can at least wack people that still find you rude :)

Magisch

@apaul remember, if you're the better person, the difference will be stark to onlookers, and you'll come out on top

Sometimes its hard to give the benefit of the doubt and be exceedingly polite if you smell the same BS you've been dealing with for years, but try not to get goaded.

If the intent is indeed malicious then it'll backfire in its own time

Belle-Sophie

@apaul your statement resonates with me. In a good way. Well, good from you, not from society. I am a bi woman. I've been in two commited relationships before, both with men. I did have a girlfriend for a very short time. My parents don't know about the girlfriend. I'm sure they'd accept me as being gay, but I don't know what they'd think of me being bi.

sphennings

If they're here just looking to stir the pot an aggressive reaction is exactly what they're looking for. Since stirring the pot is disruptive to regular site activities, if you don't reward them by engaging and escalating the situation, it is much easier for mods to step in and take action against disruptive individuals.

apaul

14:33

@Belle-Sophie Bi-erasure is a thing. It sucks. But there's a movement to shine some light on the problem.

@sphennings I've been making an effort.

sphennings

@apaul You have. It's been great to see. Please keep it up. :)

apaul

Still hard not to be a little irked by the way so many didn't have a problem with a post that used the terms "revolting" and "man-on-man sex" but were entirely willing to be upset that I didn't bother to qualify "straight men" as "many straight men"

Wrong and disproportional.

sphennings

@apaul I can't blame you. It's frustrating for me too.

You can always edit posts yourself to make the language less hostile. Your perspective on what is unwelcoming puts you in the perfect position to make those edits.

Extroverted Main Man

14:50

0

Q: How to tell my coworkers I won't use a gift they offered me?

My coworkers gave me a gift card for a foot massage as a graduation present. The problem is that I have a problem with people touching my feet, so the idea of getting a foot massage is thoroughly repulsive. Needless to say I'm never going to use the gift card. I've already been asked twice if I'...

politeness coworkers gifts

Tinkeringbell

@apaul How many people were in the chatroom when you raised that? I kinda get the impression this chatroom goes silent as soon as I go to bed :/

ElizB

@Tinkeringbell that seems to be the case some days, I've seen the pattern come up often. I'm finally back in my office after battling an absolutely horrendous cold that just steamrolled me... I'm happy to be back on my feet

where I am, it's late morning, so I have all day to check into chat and IPS

Mithrandir

@Magisch I think I found you, actually

apaul

@Belle-Sophie Funny coincidence, Dan Savage answered some questions from bi folks today: aux.avclub.com/in-this-weeks-savage-love-lopsiders-1827480659

@Tinkeringbell Not many, but it looked like at least a couple really the transcript and started talking about it when you woke up.

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Which... was after Catija edited the post :)

Magisch

15:09

@Mithrandir I'm curious

using only public information or some stuff only mods can access?

Mithrandir

@Magisch Well, I don't actually know for sure, but there are a limited number of DPOs with your first name in Germany.

I didn't use the mod tools.

zings away

Magisch

@Mithrandir Heh, I actually double checked, my first and last name isn't on the document

Only my special data protection email and phone #

Mithrandir

15:31

Ah.

Extroverted Main Man

15:44

-1

Q: How to tell student to improve presentation skills

I am currently supervising a student doing his master's thesis in our company. We have weekly update meetings with the whole team, where students report on their progress. While my student is doing a good job workwise, his presentation skills are lacking. Specifically, he seems unconvinced of the...

work-environment shyness presentation

1

Q: office coworker is not talking

Have you ever experienced a coworker who suddenly stops talking to you or stops being friendly, for no apparent reason? This woman used to go out of her way to say hello and now ignores me while speaking to everyone else. She will walk by my workgroup and greet the others yet act like I'm not t...

work-environment coworkers

0

Q: How to tell someone to remove his plagiarism

I have to write a report with 3 other people about a project work. We split it up in different parts. First things went slowly and but a week later one group member have written a very good complete introduction, even that he was struggling heavily with other parts. As an information the report ...

groups

Extroverted Main Man

16:55

-4

Q: What is happening here?

She. You love me, don't you? He. Yes! She. Marry me! He. No. She. Ok then we break up. He. Oh no okay. (later on, she is mostly happy) He. I hate you for manipulation, now we divorce. My actual question is, what to read to find answers to my questions below, in case this is a known dcenar...

relationships

Tinkeringbell

17:28

→ 89 messages moved to Trash

scohe001

18:21

@ElizB I want to comment more on your question, but I feel like it'll get out of control pretty quickly, so I'll ask here instead...

ElizB

@scohe001 Sure, go for it

scohe001

It sounds like your example situation worked out perfectly...are you just looking for other ways to achieve that same result?

Like different ways to phrase what you said there?

ElizB

@scohe001 It was only that situation that I was able to walk away within the rock climbing gym, I guess I wanted more generic applications like being in other situations like being unable to leave (in a car, at an event/restaurant, etc)

plus, my husband, my sister, and my friend were there and being who he is, he didn't want to tarnish his "appearance" of being kind too much

scohe001

Ahh for some reason I assumed most of this happens over the phone where you'd be able to walk away anyways

Dealing with something like this when you're stuck alone with him in a car is really rough

ElizB

yeah, I wanted to find things to say that I could say to him to his face

that's the only one that's worked, ish.

he and I have had many, many tearful arguments and at one point when he was dropping me off late at my mom's house (where I live) he said "go back and hide in your moms house"

like i was some scared little girl and not a pretty mature and hurt 17 year old

scohe001

18:26

I know you gave me that example in the comment about gaslighting, but after a bad situation has he ever seen your side or acknowledged how he's making you feel?

Has he ever apologized after the fact?

@ElizB Oof I'm sorry girl :(

ElizB

@scohe001 I know I need to let go of a lot of resentment, I am working on that. hmmm, I have told him my side, but I don't see that he really listens. his mental attitude is something like "i'm "listening to you" but you need to listen to me as well!" so he'll just play the trump card and think his words worth listening more than mine... this is only what I see from his actions after the fact. he doesn't apologize for specific situations, only a superfical "i'm sorry"...

it's maddening to deal with and my solution now is to not see him as much, which makes a vicious cycle of me being guilty of not seeing him enough, then him pointing that out, then him berating me for not spending time with him, etc etc etc

it just goes round and round and round. my sister who saw that short exchange at the rock climbing gym was in absolute heaven.... she looks up to me a lot. She told mom, then mom told me. I kinda like knowing I stopped an unpleasant discussion... it could also be that dad chose his battle and decided not to push it. Other topics are much more "serious" like being more athletic (which my sister is not.... ) that annoys her so much

@scohe001 I hope this extra info helps?

scohe001

@ElizB Sorry, had to step out for some actual work for a second ;)

ElizB

@scohe001 No worries. I should be doing some tedious work. while sick with sore throat. blergh.

scohe001

This does help a lot actually. I have an idea for something else you could try that I'll write up as an after lunch :)

@ElizB Oh no! Hope you get better soon

Little sicknesses like that are the worst

Feeling like crap feels like crap

ElizB

thanks!! -_- someone's questioning the reason for my bounty. oi. I get it, but I thought I put in enough emphasis

scohe001

18:39

Haha I asked you almost the same question! I just happened to do it in here :)

ElizB

editing in little snippets what you asked me, seeing if that helps

scohe001

Hey @TheRealLester glad you found us. I was surprised I'd never seen you in here--you've been a really active user lately

TheRealLester

@scohe001 Yea I mostly post at work and don't really have time to pop in here but today's a slow day lol

scohe001

Haha lucky us then :)

ElizB

sweet. i have work, but it's super tedious. Not feeling that great with a ticklish throat because of post nasal drip from a recovering cold :P

TheRealLester

18:44

@ElizB Reading through the chat it makes more sense now. Sorry if I came off as rude or anything, it just seemed like you had a decent solution already.

ElizB

@TheRealLester No worries, that's why @scohe001 checked in here to clarify a few things. Either way, it helps!

I edited a few more pieces of info into the question that seemed pertinent from your questions, @scohe001 and @TheRealLester.

TheRealLester

@ElizB As an aside, have you checked out old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists ? It has a lot of information and people in similar situations. It could be of some use to you.

ElizB

@TheRealLester Hmm, checking it out. Thanks :) a lot of answers I see are more long term but not immediate statements that stop the negative interaction from continuing

scohe001

Oh yea! @ElizB I completely forgot about your hearing situation. My bad for assuming things were happening over the phone. Sorry about that!

@Mithrandir It was acting moody and not responding to me earlier >.>

ElizB

@scohe001 No worries. people I'm around don't realize it either, even after seeing me. I speak for myself so they assume I'm able to hear and understand on the phone... not the case there :P some people with cochlear implants ARE able to do so, only after extensive practice. I've simply chosen not to practice and use other devices, like a video relay system.

@TheRealLester This reddit is very nice, there's a lot of info here. i'll keep looking around. seems to be mostly stories and vents

TheRealLester

19:01

@ElizB No problem. I can't remember exact titles or links but I read through some of these and the comments can sometimes have some pretty good information.

ElizB

@TheRealLester Yeah, I haven't seen any so far. I tried searching for the "Ndad" and havent found much. I found one that i can relate to already about Nparents being bad with money... my dad is obviously in debt and still goes on trips... he recently went on a cruise just with my sister... he doesn't really include me out of "fear" that I will reject that. I think that reason is just bs.

Mithrandir

20:25

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Mithrandir

22:48

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