The Awkward Silence

Extroverted Main Man

00:14

0

Q: How to tell "friend" to stop pretend flirting with my girlfriend?

There's this acquaintance of both my girlfriend and I that pretends to flirt with my girlfriend. Neither of us are close enough with him to classify him as a "friend," though both my girlfriend and I get along well with him [except for this scenario] and run into him at several different social e...

Extroverted Main Man

02:02

1

Q: Apologize to a semi-romantic friend without implying a desire to get together after my break up

Context I recently exited a long term relationship (3+ years). During the last year and a half of the relationship I grew quite close with another friend. This came to a head about six months before my relationship ended, with the realization that this friend and I shared mutual feelings for eac...

friends relationships apologies

apaul

04:35

@Ash you still around?

A J

I still don't know the issues about my answer

user15026

Somewhat, am sorta gaming with the husband at the same time, so I can't guarantee consistent timing of responses because missions, but yeah, I'm here-ish

apaul

For what it's worth, I wanted to apologize for pissing you off earlier today, really wasn't my intention, and I'm sorry that it went that way.

user15026

Okay.

user15026

(Weird, I have no idea why it did that)

apaul

04:46

@Ash It's just one of those things that's always kinda bugged me... Like there's a "gay archetype" that doesn't really fit the vast majority of queer folks, so when I run into younger folks that seem to be trying to fall into it, I kinda wanna tell them that they don't have to. Not sure if that explanation helps at all, but it's why I got on the subject to begin with.

user15026

Okay.

apaul

@Ash anywho if you want to discuss at some other point, feel free.

@AJ It looks like you got some feedback in comments, likely that whoever downvoted said something or agreed with something said there. Dunno, just a guess really.

A J

@apaul I checked them and tried improving, but I don't know why they are stuck on the same thing every time.

apaul

@AJ Some people are jerks? lol

Jesse Barnett

cant please everyone, plus they may not be monitoring it for updates

apaul

04:56

Or perhaps Tim lost his keys again, you never really know.

A J

@apaul lol

@JesseBarnett true

apaul

Whose Line - "Points Don't Matter" compilation

►

A J

@apaul will check it later.

user15026

@apaul No thank you.

Jesse Barnett

@apaul reading back, your situation might also be a symptom of 'young people often (not always) over compensate in expressing themselves'. It can be broadened to any person really, they grow up and realise that the world is bigger than they thought and after holding back in earlier life, when someone realises it is okay to express themselves, it is pretty normal to over shoot a little at first :D

apaul

05:03

@Ash Okie... Just tryin to extend an olive branch and hopefully come to some mutual understanding. Sharing ideas is usually a good way to make peace n all, but I won't poke you about it further.

user15026

@apaul I'd honestly rather you'd respect my desire not to talk about it, instead of continually poking me with a stick, it devalues the point of the apology.

user15026

I said all that I feel needed to be said insofar as my opinion on the matter earlier.

Extroverted Main Man

-1

Q: How to ask my wife to try sex inter course for the first time?

I am married now for past 3 months. My wife and me share kisses, touching, warm hugs, and sometimes doing hand-job. How I can ask my wife to try sex inter course for the first time? I try always to make her happy with life and I want her feel comfortable with the idea.

marriage sex

A J

Not an answer

Tinkeringbell

07:38

Morning :)

JAD

hai

Tinkeringbell

How's life?

JAD

Birthday-y

Tinkeringbell

Oh damn... forgot!

Congratulations!!!!

It's @JAD's birthday today, don't forget to congratulate him!

(i've just posted a reminder :P )

Mithrandir

08:02

@JAD happy birthday

Tinkeringbell

@Ash update:

Also, mom bought me one of those cheap floor puzzles (for babies?)... So now I can block a few more squares at a time, be prepared for even more spammy updates! :)

(I first have to try that they don't bleed colour though)

A J

@Tinkeringbell Afternoon!

@JAD Gelukkige verjaardag!

@Tinkeringbell Cool!!

NVZ

08:18

...

JAD

08:58

Thanks guys and gals :D

A J

Still don't know what's wrong

Tinkeringbell

09:22

Well, I found out what I was doing wrong! I now have a pre-commit hook that can exit when my filenames aren't okay :)

@AJ I think people just don't like the idea of being indirect. You might be struggling with a cultural bias here...

A J

@Tinkeringbell I hate this cultural bias thing. Seriously, you can't directly ask this thing here. You have to be indirect.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ I hate the cultural bias thing too :P Being direct in such cases is so much less awkward :P ... I understand, and I don't see anything bad in the answer.

JAD

hmm, the quote is definitely not something I'd use, but I'm not really one for 1) being so direct and 2) calling anyone sweetie

Didn't downvote though

A J

Same thing happened earlier with this answer

Tinkeringbell

@AJ Huh? That has only 1 downvote? that isn't too bad, is it?

A J

09:32

@JAD Hmm.

@Tinkeringbell Well, you can't see deleted comments. I was seriously about to use swear words for a user that said how can you be so sure about your culture.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ Oh well, the comments were removed, so apparently everyone else agreed that they were bs :P

I'm sorry you have to deal with such stuff. If it helps, I had to do it too once, on this answer: https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/5390/1599...

There was A LOT of discussion on whether it was polite or not. Saying that 'where I was coming from, it wasn't such a bad thing' apparently didn't make sense to some people...

A J

@Tinkeringbell Well, the cultural bias is the reason why Mother India movie couldn't win Oscar.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ I gave your answer an edit, I added the euphemism bit :) I hope this helps and that you like it?

A J

The reason they specified why the lead actress didn't marry the villain after his husband died in the movie.

@Tinkeringbell Looks good.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ I don't know the movie, but that does sound like we're from two very different cultures indeed ;)

@AJ btw, mind if I ask you another culture related question?

There's a new co-worker in the office right now, and both me and some close colleagues have some trouble with him. He's Indian, and he behaves somewhat strange... I'd describe it as pulling the victim card, but it might just be cultural differences...

Basically, it started when he barged into a meeting room he reserved without knocking and there were people in there... so before he could even say a thing, they told him 'knock before you enter next time'. Which is a completely normal thing for Dutch people to do... but it somehow shocked him... Is it normal to not give such feedback over there?

Now, every time he keeps bringing up how we're so rude to him, even when we're trying to explain that it's just culture shock (But we're not even sure it is). If it isn't, we have an even bigger problem that probably deserves getting a manager inv…

So, question is, would it really be rude to tell someone to 'knock before you enter' outright over there?

A J

09:47

@Tinkeringbell It's not really a cultural thing. Obviously, he was new and shouldn't have been told this in that way. I don't think it's rude either, but he was new and this behaviour might have shocked him.

JAD

@AJ hmm, if it were people from another department, chances are they weren't aware he was new

Tinkeringbell

@AJ Well, that's the problem: It's pretty common courtesy to knock before you enter (to be detailed, all our meeting rooms are pretty glassy, so you can very easily see the people in there)? So, I don't see why he should have been told in another way?

That's I think where the cultural differences come into play... he was being rude by not knocking, but is complaining that we are rude because we just say what is wrong?

A J

@Tinkeringbell Seriously, I'd like if people here also knock the door before barging right into the room.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ Okay, so how would you react when they don't?

A J

@Tinkeringbell Yep, he should have seen them..

Tinkeringbell

09:51

Because over here 'hey, knock before entering!' isn't considered rude...

A J

@Tinkeringbell Well, at first offense, I'd say "Please knock next time before entering!" and the second time I'd say the same you just said.

Tinkeringbell

Hmm... so, he's basically just pulling victim cards. Thanks :) Now I won't feel so bad going with my co-workers to complain to the manager ;)

A J

@Tinkeringbell Do you know how long he has been in Netherlands for?

JAD

@Tinkeringbell is it something you should be complaining about though?

Tinkeringbell

@AJ A few weeks now? I don't know, but this is something the manager should take up with them, he's ruining the vibe

@JAD I believe it is, because more people are bothered by his behaviour.

JAD

09:57

One piece of advise though, try to not come across as a racist

Tinkeringbell

It regularly causes disturbances because he's not suffering in silence so to speak..

A J

@Tinkeringbell Well, calm him down and tell him about this knocking thing before going to the manager.

Looks like you have to deal with a lot of Indians there. :P

SmokeDetector

[ SmokeDetector | MS ] Offensive answer detected: How to tell "friend" to stop pretending to flirt with my girlfriend? by Mellow mushroom on interpersonal.SE (@Tinkeringbell)

Tinkeringbell

10:14

@AJ Yeah, we're a very racist bunch here ;) We already told him to stop it, but that only led to another tantrum, so I think the only option we have is the manager at this point...

I honestly believe we're not the easiest people to get around with if you're not used to us... but that doesn't mean you can throw tantrums, that means you try to adapt. And I'm not seeing that happening here...

Really, we've tried the soft approach already.

A J

Ohh.

If he doesn't get adapted to a different culture and work environment, you can't really help him then.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ Exactly, and I think at this point his manager has to get him help doing that (it's only been a few weeks after all, but those without any improvement whatsoever). We're not going to demand him being fired ;)

A J

Sure.

@Tinkeringbell starts cancelling job offers coming from Netherlands :P

Tinkeringbell

(I hate it when I send a complete message to people on Skype, and they first reply back 'hello'... before they start to type another long message)...

@AJ Don't ;) You'll regret it ;)

A J

lol

Tinkeringbell

10:24

@AJ Btw, I get the impression you'll fit in a lot better than even some Dutch people :P

A J

@Tinkeringbell Yeah. I have been around Dutch people for a while now. :P

JAD

Hmm, reading up on asynchronous programming. interesting stuff

A J

Hmm

Extroverted Main Man

11:18

1

Q: "Stole" my friend's excitement about a personal project - how to deal with the fallout

Background: I work at a woodworking shop, doing design etc. and both myself and a colleague sometimes do personal projects using the tools, machinery etc. here in our own time. These projects are typically not for personal gain and often end up being gifts for friends, family etc. A long time ag...

work-environment awkward-situations politeness

Extroverted Main Man

11:37

-1

Q: Person keeps bringing up alternative sex topics and I rather not overhear them

I am having trouble building context for this question, so for any details. I have been going to social partner dances for a few years. Usually there's 30-40 people, half of which are regulars. There is one regular, call him Bob, who some times talks or acts in a way that makes me uncomfortable....

politeness sex young-adults

Tinkeringbell

@ExtrovertedMainMan That one is too broad, and if we can get the OP to clarify their question it will also need an edit to get rid of irrelevant details.

IPS Comment Bot

12:08

Ear plugs? Perhaps not the most socially acceptable answer but neither is dictating what subjects they can talk about with their friends. I think perhaps what you should think about here is why you're feeling so uncomfortable with the subject. — Lio Elbammalf 36 secs ago

#10169 Lio Elbammalf (765 rep) | Q: Person keeps bringing up alternative sex topics and I rather not overhear them (score: -2) | posted 38 minutes ago by tortillamix (1 rep) | edited 28 minutes ago by tortillamix (1 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["you\\W(really)?(need\\Wto|should)"]

A J

!!/alive

IPS Comment Bot

I'm alive and well :)

Tinkeringbell

12:57

@IPSCommentBot Then you're doing better than me :P

Ugh... I hate meetings!

Anne Daunted

Please delete: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10167/2625

Please delete: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10171/2625

and downvote, flag etc.

One of these answers got 5 upvotes...

Extroverted Main Man

13:47

0

Q: After I missed an interview, I was schedule to another one but the interviewer never showed up. What to do?

I currently reside in Japan, where punctuality is an extremely important requirement. I applied for a job and a company outsourced by the hiring company scheduled me an interview (I guess the original company doesn't have anyone who knows English, that's why they need the services of this company...

japan

IPS Comment Bot

We don't decide what you should do, so please make up your mind on what you want to do first, and we might be able to provide you with the Interpersonal Skills to do so... — Tinkeringbell 21 secs ago

#10174 Tinkeringbell (12892 rep) | Q: After I missed an interview, I was schedule to another one but the interviewer never showed up. What to do? (score: 0) | posted 7 minutes ago by kuonb (101 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["you\\W(really)?(need\\Wto|should)"]

Anne Daunted

a bit ranty, too

that "alternative sex topics" question already got a delete vote

is it that bad?

JAD

no

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted That was me... I think it really is that bad ;)

But that's just me apparently :/

Anne Daunted

but couldn't it be turned into something IPSy?

JAD

13:55

It's closed, it's off the front page

imo it doesn't need immediate deletion.

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted I don't see how? It's not asking 1 IPS question...

Anne Daunted

like "how do i tell someone to not talk about topics that make me uncomfortable?"

JAD

Give the OP a chance to respond to the questions

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted We already have a few of those..

Although the topics are different then, I must admit

Anne Daunted

true

JAD

13:56

@Tinkeringbell then why did you VTC for being too broad instead of being off topic?

Anne Daunted

i had the same thought

Tinkeringbell

@JAD Because the most immediate problem I saw was like 10 question marks.

One doesn't rule out the other

Anne Daunted

@Tinkeringbell "How can I best approach Bob?" I would count this as at least half an IPS question

JAD

I think there has to be an explicit need for deletion if you want to delete it yourself, rather than letting the roomba get to it

Is there any immediate harm the question is doing right now?

Tinkeringbell

@JAD I think there is, that's why I also raised a moderator flag.

Anne Daunted

13:58

which harm does it do?

do you suspect a troll?

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted I do

JAD

So even if it is a troll, the question is off the front page and closed.

Anne Daunted

there are certainly a few buzzwords

JAD

It's not r/a, so I don't see why it needs to be deleted

Tinkeringbell

@JAD One might argue that trolling is abusive ;)

Anne Daunted

14:04

but it doesn't seem to be a totally unrealistic scenario

JAD

@Tinkeringbell hah

thats a stretch if I've ever seen one

@AnneDaunted I'm not saying it's definitely not trolling

I'm saying that even if it was, does it have to be deleted right now?

Tinkeringbell

I think there's some discussion on this on meta... I'll see what I can find

@JAD Opinions differ on that.

JAD

If it's improved, maybe it wasn't trolling? OTOH if it's not, it'd be just sitting there at -3, waiting to be cleaned up by the roomba

Anne Daunted

Sorry for causing confusion

both messages were responses to Tinkeringbell's troll suspicion

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Which is what makes a good troll ;)

JAD

14:06

I think that the harm of deleting a genuine question outweighs the benefit of removing an already barely visible question

Anne Daunted

@Tinkeringbell every question is a troll question until proven innocent? ;-)

JAD

@AnneDaunted I think that's very harmful if you start deleting random questions

Anne Daunted

yes, we should at least give the OP a chance to edit it

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Of course not. That would violate assume good intentions...

@AnneDaunted I already waited over 2 hours!

JAD

@Tinkeringbell not everyone is at their computer 24/7?

Anne Daunted

14:10

:-)

JAD

wouldn't be the first time I asked a question right before leaving

Anne Daunted

that's true

JAD

If you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. But that doesn't mean you should just hit random things

Anne Daunted

And while it contains some buzzwords, it's not that controversial

A troll would rather choose a divisive topic (how to ... vegan feminist ...?)

JAD

I think it's a lot of suspicion and impatience over a post that has been barely visible for the last 2 hours

Anne Daunted

14:15

Maybe I strayed about the dark corners of the Internet too often, but I think that the (putative) trolls here are pretty tame

Tinkeringbell

@JAD Don't worry, that wasn't the only one raising suspicion ;)

@AnneDaunted They have to be, because you need to be subtle here... If you ask about Interpersonal skills on Mars, we're definitely sure you're not serious

JAD

@Tinkeringbell thats not trolling though

Tinkeringbell

I think it's one of the problems, that people are too subtle. I've seen it on other sites as well...

Mithrandir

unless your name is Elon Musk

JAD

Or at least, not the kind of trolling Anne alluded to I think

Anne Daunted

14:18

But how do you want to know there are so many trolls?

Tinkeringbell

@JAD No, because it isn't subtle enough for people to believe you. Which is why trolling is often so subtle ;)

@AnneDaunted I don't, I just flag the stuff for moderator attention and let them look into it.

JAD

@Tinkeringbell No, there is a difference between trolling and asking stupid questions

Tinkeringbell

They have a procedure for that I believe.

@JAD Sure, I know the list that's on meta from our last troll invasion

@Mithrandir He's not there yet, so even that would be hypothetical and closed :P

Anne Daunted

Last troll invasion? The sex-tagged ones?

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Yeah, and some others as well ;)

There were questions removed, a lot of em

Anne Daunted

14:23

I probably miss a lot of the stuff going on here

So when I ask, I do so out of genuine curiosity, not because I doubt your judgment

Just in some cases, like with too subtle trolling

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: How to deal with a jealous girlfriend?

I really love my girlfriend. From all the girlfriends that I had, She's the better. We get along very well on most matters. I have nothing to complain about it. But, she has only one problem: jealousy! I am considered a good company by most people, especially at work and in the family. I really...

relationships

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Oh, but you should definitely not always trust my judgment ;) If I'm never challenged I'd become an IPS dictator :P

So just keep asking ;)

Anne Daunted

:-)

I guess Catija would step in, though, and restore law and order

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted She will ;)

But she probably has to discuss this with others too ;)

Anne Daunted

A different topic

Tinkeringbell

14:27

Do you have one?

If not, I just finished our projects first ever git hook

How do I tell the co-worker that 'no, I'm not going to add another 3 different checks to it now?'

Anne Daunted

I noticed that JaneS, mod over at TWP, recently joined IPS.SE

she has written some excellent answers so far

JAD

@Tinkeringbell why not?

you're the only one that understands it

Work your way up to Git-hook manager

Anne Daunted

the more tests the better

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Oh?

@JAD Sure, but put my work on the JIRA first... the problem is the 'NOW' :P

@AnneDaunted I agree ;)

I'll be stalking a user profile later today ;)

JAD

Also, it's some testament of your skill

Tinkeringbell

14:33

@JAD Oh sure, and I like the idea of doing more git hooks... but right now I'm just happy that I got 1 working ;)

Now, on to symlinking stuff... and committing it tomorrow. Then it can be reviewed!

Anne Daunted

15:35

Flagged this as spam: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10180/2625

Mithrandir

meh

Anne Daunted

@Mithrandir I shouldn't have posted that?

Mithrandir

No, I don't think that's spam.

NaA certainly, but not spam.

Anne Daunted

Exists only to promote a product or service, does not disclose the author's affiliation.

does it do anything else but promote a product or service (tourist destination)?

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted I think it's promoting not even a tourist destionation, but a clinic... But I think a spam is more 'unrelated to the question' as well?

Anne Daunted

15:49

@Tinkeringbell No, spam needn't be unrelated to the question. It could very well be relevant to the question

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted okay, then its s[pammy

I'm not really up to date on what's spam and what not ;)

Anne Daunted

I would go with advertising something and this seems also to be the definition used by SE, judging from their flag text

Spamming

Electronic spamming is the use of electronic messaging systems to send an unsolicited message (spam), especially advertising, as well as sending messages repeatedly on the same site. While the most widely recognized form of spam is email spam, the term is applied to similar abuses in other media: instant messaging spam, Usenet newsgroup spam, Web search engine spam, spam in blogs, wiki spam, online classified ads spam, mobile phone messaging spam, Internet forum spam, junk fax transmissions, social spam, spam mobile apps, television advertising and file sharing spam. It is named after Spam,...

Writing too many messages maybe, too, but I'm not sure if this si technically possible at SE

never seen it or tried it out myself

Tinkeringbell

I think for the last one, there's a timeout in place

:)

You can even try it by sending a few dot's or smileys shortly after each other in the chatroom ;)

.

(the second one got a time-out of 3 seconds ;) )

Anne Daunted

:-)

I believe you without testing it first

Tinkeringbell

@AnneDaunted Hahaha :) Well, I had to try because I don't know the timeout or when it appears :)

TheTinyMan

15:59

sneeze

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