The most noticeable thing is that you use the wrong "Its" pretty much always. Possessive "Its" has no apostrophe.
Also "as you’re bent and broken into your new phone" WTF? I don't understand that.
And in general, there seems to be a great deal of exposition and pornography which seem to come across as exposition and pornography just for the sake of having it there, which is probably because the plot is impossible to follow.
Do you write with an outline?
It is very unclear to me what you are trying to do with this piece, although it is reminiscent of the last Lovecraftian story I read that you wrote.
It seems like you are trying to do several things all at the same time.
Anyway, the next time you are in, we can talk some more about it.
Well, it should be a larger story. It was interesting.
room topic changed to The Overlook Hotel: On Tuesdays, we write and discuss. On other days, we discuss and write. All are welcome. [chat] [hot] [juicy]
So we moved Chat to 1pm local. Will you be gone by then @Mr.Shiny?
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 it's got enough of a plot to carry it for 600 words. you're building up the little girl and then punching the reader in the tear duct.
@KitFox: My feeling is that it felt too talky in the first section. I would rather find out that information in the course of the action of the second part. In other words, perhaps you didn't have to separate the two, and combining them might make it stronger.
"She did her best, but she was young." This sounds like something that begins a standard prologue for a novel. We encounter a character who either isn't in the story or will appear later on, setting up just enough of a tease to make us feel the person's predicament, and then we begin the novel proper, which deals with an entirely different character and narrative.
Also, when you're given actual words that you have to use, that's where the bandage sticks to the wound. What if you would never use those words that way?
Anyway, like I said, I missed the point of all this and I didn't bring an exercise with me, I'll probably just be better off leaving you all to it. Cheers!
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Even on its own, there's a plot. The crisis when daddy has all those things in his mind, and can't say them. And a little denouement.
@KitFox Well, my linked exercise took me maybe 15 minutes just now; can it squeak by?
Oh, I see, on the topic "labour dispute".
@Robusto A good exercise will drag you out of your comfort zone.
@Robusto - KitFox is the one who took the lead on this, that's all there is to it. You'd be welcome to make any suggestions you like, or set up an additional chat if you want to try something different.
But the mods have no complaints with how KitFox's chats are going, and getting people here is good for the site.
@KitFox - I notice the recurring schedule has run out; I can make this a recurring event for however long you want, what time are you guys meeting here on Tuesdays?
Or are you able to create events directly? (I see a bunch of past events.)