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1:45 AM
@Mussri Sure, I think that's fine. Let me think how we might structure it.
 
2:23 AM
My writing exercise for Tuesday's chat: eternalephemeron.blogspot.ca/2012/07/…
@Mussri I'm not opposed to the idea of a longer set of exercises. I can't be sure if I'll have time to take part though.
I think it'd be nice if we had more people participating. Spread the word, folks!
 
3:14 AM
Spreading... Spreading... Spreading...
 
 
8 hours later…
10:46 AM
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 guffaw I almost choked on my coffee.
Here is my post again, for anyone who missed it.
 
 
3 hours later…
1:25 PM
mornin!
 
Hiya!
 
@KitFox how goes it?
 
It's pretty good ok. We just had a fire drill, and I have to do a live demonstration in about twenty minutes.
 
@KitFox fun. what kind of demonstration?
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 interesting
 
 
2 hours later…
3:25 PM
@DForck42 How my website works. Turns out that that is tomorrow instead of today though. Oops.
 
@KitFox heheh
what kind of website?
 
It's for tracking student data from literacy interventions.
 
@KitFox interesting
dunno what a literacy intervention is though
when is the weekly chat usually?
 
@DForck42 if u don't reed so gud, u have speshul halps.
 
@KitFox ahh
i was an IEP student. :-D
 
3:31 PM
@DForck42 Umm, 12 EDT, but I've been shifting it toward 1pm so Matt could join us.
But he can't today.
 
@KitFox ahh, ok
i don't remember what all i had issues with, but writing was one of my big ones (still hate hand writing things...)
 
Writing like orthography or writing like composing?
I mean, was forming letters the issue or forming concepts?
 
@KitFox letters mostly i think
but it's been so long i honestly can't remember
 
Typing is easier. Your compositions seem ok to me, at least superficially.
 
@KitFox :-D
yes, typing comes a lot easier to me than trying to write something with a pen/pencil
atleast creatively
 
3:40 PM
It's still good for your brain to learn the coordination necessary to form letters with a writing device though.
How is your cursive?
 
@KitFox horrible
i did find out a couple of years ago from the observation of a coworker that i write my r's and t's (block print) backwards
 
You might consider some printing practice. Give your cerebellum a little exercise.
They make tracing tablets for that.
Personally, I find it relaxing.
Not that my handwriting has gotten much better.
 
@KitFox heh
 
My handwriting is terrible. In grade 5 my teacher said to me "just type stuff. who needs to write things when you have a computer?" (That was 1989)
 
It's good for your brain! Neurobics!
Trust me, I used to be a neuroscientist.
 
3:52 PM
typing is a different kind of neurobics, right?
:)
 
And hiya @Mr.Shiny.
 
yes, good morning :)
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 It's the variety that's important.
 
Grade 5, 1989, 2012, ummm
Hello.
 
@Gigili Yeah, so I'm in grade 28 now
 
3:56 PM
Everyone ready to start? If so, I'll quote the links.
 
@KitFox yarp
 
Here is Gigili's:
Jul 27 at 21:16, by Gigili
Zig: What's the matter, Teddy?

Teddy: I don't know but I can't move my hands.

Zig: What?

Teddy: And my arm just fell off.

Zig: Are you alright?

Teddy: I hardly know. I'm just happy that my nose is still in its right position.

Zig: I think you shouldn't have watched that horror movie last night.

Teddy: I see no relevance. oh, my teeth...

Zig: I can't be bothered looking at you but if it is a joke, it's not funny.

Teddy: ooooooh...

Zig: mama,mamaaaaaaa, you should sew up Teddy again.
Did I miss anyone?
 
You've missed me. Terribly.
 
I don't know if @Mussri will come.
Where should we start? Want some time to read first?
 
@KitFox i don't see tacos... or pants? am i missing something?
 
4:00 PM
@DForck42 It's a dialog, innit?
 
@KitFox yes?
 
Well, then I think it's fine.
Let's talk about writing dialog today.
What was easy and what was difficult about focusing on just dialog?
 
What was easy was the fact that it was short. So there isn't much to say, therefore you don't have to work too hard to say it. You set the scene with a couple words, but it's a small scene so that's all you need.
 
@KitFox trying to make it sound somewhat organic was somewhat difficult
 
@DForck42 yes, making it sound natural, while also conveying information that the people in the scene do not typically need to convey in real life
 
4:05 PM
I thought having a short dialog made it easier too. People don't often have long ones, so the scope was pretty well-defined there.
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 0_0
Hello all.
 
Hi!
 
@cornbreadninja hello!
@cornbreadninja did you participate in this week's writing exercise?
still can't spell that word...
 
@DForck42 I've just learned about the weekly exercise via Matt's blog! I didn't know what it was, so no.
 
Dang. Here it is Tuesday already and I haven't done my homework.
 
4:07 PM
@MetaEd peers at you over glasses
 
No worries. We're talking about the things we discovered while writing dialogs.
 
@cornbreadninja uₕ ₒₕ.
 
it was fun picturing the dialogue in my head, imagining how it would play out in real life
how the conversation would flow, their reactions
 
@MetaEd dang, I can't see those. ._.
 
"uh oh".
 
4:12 PM
I found it difficult to keep the characters solid enough to give them unique voices.
 
Bah, a dialogue between two people, includes pants and tacos.
I forgot about the second part.
 
I once wrote a dialogue between myself and my inner critic.
 
That's OK, @Gigili.
 
@KitFox yes, your dialogue really has the most characterization going on. It's hard to develop character in only a few lines.
 
What else was difficult?
 
4:15 PM
I kept thinking about how Shakespeare's plays are essentially all dialogue.
and how annoying that was to read.
 
Hahaha.
It's much more fun to act out.
Shall we critique? Or do we want to discuss some more?
 
I'm ready for a critique
 
Would you like to go first then?
 
as in, mine gets critiqued first? sure
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 i thought yours was interesting, especially how the sci-fi/futuristic feel crept in
 
4:21 PM
Is the measure word for taco really 'ge'? I would have guessed tiao.
 
i ended up picturing something star-trek-ish
 
@KitFox I didn't strive for complete Chinese accuracy :)
 
I thought it was very funny. The part with "how many times do I have to tell you..." was really the only part that seemed like exposition.
 
@KitFox Yeah. That was my solution to the "how to make the characters talk about where they are" problem
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Oh, OK. Because I was going to say "And I think you should use Qing ba wo yi tiao taco instead."
 
4:24 PM
@KitFox That's certainly more polite :)
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 But it seems much more natural the second time, when you say "now the replicator's busted"
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 You've got to mind your Qs and Xs.
 
What about xiang(3)?
 
@KitFox So do you think the "how may times..." line should go?
@cornbreadninja I think yào is stronger
 
@cornbreadninja Could be, but that just means you'd like it.
Yao means you want it.
 
@KitFox I was taught that xiang covered to want, to think, to miss.
I'll shut up now.
 
4:28 PM
Right, but "want" like 'Oh that'd be nice' not "want" like 'gimme.'
I think.
Mr.Shiny's more up to snuff on the Chinese.
OK, I have to call my husband back. Talk amongst yourselves.
 
Extremely sorry for the delay... what are the highlights?
Catching up...
 
@Mussri scroll up for what everyone submitted
 
:5581716 I read that! It reminded me of Coraline for some reason...
 
So is there anything you guys didn't like about mine? Something you would change?
 
currently critiquing mr. shiny's submission and kitfox was distracted by the chinese wording
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 nope
 
4:32 PM
@KitFox Oh and so this means I lose the wager.
 
Ok, then I'll volunteer something: because this exercise was a short dialogue, I didn't really try to set a complicated scene or do anything too difficult. Instead I went for funny. I'm still not sure if I shouldn't have tried something harder.
 
do we want to move on to the next one?
 
This has all the submissions for anyone late like me...
Oh, and good mid-UTC day everyone!
 
@Mussri isn't it late afternoon in UTC?
 
Well, I said mid-day not mid-night or something like that...
 
4:35 PM
anyone want to volunteer for critiqing next?
 
Hi @Mussri. Did you write a dialog?
 
Day and day! It's like the English language doesn't acknowledge that we can live at night!
@KitFox Sort of... One moment...
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 I think I would make it less apparent.
That doesn't make sense. What am I trying to say?
You could shorten it to something like "Hey! Don't thwack the equipment!" or something, since you name it later.
Other than that, I think it progresses naturally and the pantslessness strikes true and funny at the right moment.
OK. Well, then. @Mr.Shiny did you have anything specific you wanted commented on?
 
@KitFox not really.
 
OK. Who is next?
Me, then.
Did the dialog seem serious from the outset? What was your initial impression from the first two lines?
Did you think the swearing was over-the-top, or did it help bolster Ethan's incredulity right away?
 
4:46 PM
@KitFox that something happened that the other guy is shocked by
 
@KitFox I wasn't sure at first how the dialogue was meant to read, but it becomes clear enough.
 
@KitFox i think it hlped emphasize the shocking nature of the dialogue
 
I don't like this line: “It’s not the earthly judgment that worries me.”
That doesn't sound like something Ethan would say in his moment of panic
 
I was wondering if, because of the swearing, the characters would immediately seem like teenagers.
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Hmm, you're right. That's more like Jimmy's character.
What do you think he might say instead?
 
hai. meeting cancelled
 
4:48 PM
@MattЭллен Ohai!
 
@KitFox "We're gonna burn in Hell, Jimmy!"
 
How about this?
---
Dully: Hey! C'mon, it's starting. Witty! It's starting.
Witty: Yeah. Like I was dying to watch a bunch of white coats dancing with animals.
Dully: Hey! Tony wouldn't watch it with me. Just come, it's half an hour.
W: Alright, comin'. This place is a dumpster and you want to watch other dumpsters!
*Sits on bed*
W: What the- Seriously! A taco? Dully!
D: What?
W: After last night, you should know that’s my last pair of pants. Seriously, were warming the taco in the blanket or what?
Oh, and why are the chat sessions for 2 SE's at the exact same time?
 
@Mussri for split personalities
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 I like that actually. That parallels with with the previous line and shows his slow acquiescence.
@Mussri What's the other one?
 
@KitFox I'm also not sold on the line after that, “You think God minds? God put the gun in my hand. He made His Will clear to me. This fucker’s already in his eternal torment.” But I can't quite articulate what I don't like about it.
 
4:52 PM
@DForck42 Uhuh! That's bad...
@KitFox Which?
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Maybe that it's not comedic? Maybe if you try a bit of wordplay...
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 I am not quite satisfied with it either. I wanted to make him sound like he felt entirely justified, that he had malice aforethought, and put just a little edge on something that might be justifiable homicide.
@Mussri Chat.
 
@KitFox Sorry?
 
@Mussri I don't want it to be comedic.
@Mussri Which other chat session is going on right now?
 
@KitFox I'm not quite catching up...
@KitFox Physics...
But I'm full-mindly here right now... And I suspect that most SE's have it at the same time too, strange.
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Oh, you know what? He's not addressing what Ethan said. That's the problem.
[You think God minds? God put the gun in my hand. He made His Will clear to me.] does not match with [This fucker’s already in his eternal torment.]
 
4:57 PM
@KitFox It seems to me that Jimmy suddenly went from pedophile-killer to religious-fanatic.
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 they do that
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Right. I wanted to suggest that, not hit you on the head with it.
Maybe something more like "God put the gun in my hand, and I sent this fucker to his eternal torment."
What do you think?
 
@KitFox So?
 
I like the phrase "eternal torment" if you didn't notice.
@Mussri Patience. You can go next.
 
@KitFox sounds better
 
5:00 PM
And who really is Ethan? Is he a prominent character? I've only read this week's prompt and dialogs so far...
 
@Mussri We're talking about my dialog.
 
@KitFox So you want to simultaneously address ethan's fear of damnation AND set Jimmy up as an agent of God....
 
@KitFox Yes I know... But you like he is a character you regularly write for...
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Kind of, yeah. "Don't worry about it, because God told me it was OK"
 
@KitFox tricky
 
5:02 PM
@Mussri No, I just invented him.
 
"Relax, Ethan. This is all part of God's plan -- he has a special place in Hell for fuckers like this guy"
 
Hmm. It's not quite Irish enough, but it gives me an idea.
 
@KitFox heh, Boondock Saints...
 
"God doesn't punish an avenging angel. It's this fucker who's burning."
Still not quite there, but close.
OK, I can play with that later. Anything else?
 
@KitFox better. But "avenging angel" stands out too much to me...
 
5:06 PM
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 I agree. It will come. I just have to stop thinking about it and let Jimmy talk.
 
@KitFox The rest of the dialogue was good. It establishes enough setting and tells a story, all in a few lines.
brb, going to grab some food.
 
Thank you. Out of curiosity, where did you picture these events?
That question is for anyone.
So @Mussri, you wanted to go next?
 
@KitFox outside, either an alleyway or some sort of secluded place
 
@KitFox in a church
 
We're close to closing :/ Anyone thought of a longer prompt? Maybe a ~1000 words short story?
@KitFox Well...
 
5:09 PM
20 mins ago, by Mussri
How about this?
---
Dully: Hey! C'mon, it's starting. Witty! It's starting.
Witty: Yeah. Like I was dying to watch a bunch of white coats dancing with animals.
Dully: Hey! Tony wouldn't watch it with me. Just come, it's half an hour.
W: Alright, comin'. This place is a dumpster and you want to watch other dumpsters!
*Sits on bed*
W: What the- Seriously! A taco? Dully!
D: What?
W: After last night, you should know that’s my last pair of pants. Seriously, were warming the taco in the blanket or what?
 
@KitFox I just tried to wrap a dialog around the two names...
 
I'm not sure I understand what is supposed to be happening.
 
Oh, and they started as Dully and Dimmy at first...
 
@KitFox same
afk, lunch (fele free to critique mine though if you wish)
just make sure to @ me
 
I'll tell you that the white coats dancing with animals are on Discovery/Animal-Planet/etc...
 
5:11 PM
It seems like two kids watching TV, but what do you mean by "This place is a dumpster and you want to watch other dumpsters"?
 
Not kids...
 
@Mussri hobos?
 
The responses are alarming. I think I'll review it...
 
But a bed?
 
I meant: "W: After last night, you should know that’s my last pair of pants. Seriously, were *you warming the taco in the blanket or what?"
A typo.
 
5:13 PM
Well, yes, I got that. But what does {last pair of pants} have to do with {accidentally sitting on taco}?
 
Mexican taco, right? -> Lots of sauce and slimy stuff.
 
Right. But still. It doesn't make sense.
 
He needs to change pants! Seriously, this means heavy rewriting...
 
Dully didn't intentionally do anything to dirty Witty's pants.
So why is Witty acting like he did?
 
I would guess because dully is often slovenly
 
5:16 PM
She left the taco's on the bed... She made it looks like a dumpster...
@MattЭллен Quite so...
I hope I'm not holding anyone off...
 
But you should know makes it sound like Dully just dirtied up Witty's pants just now.
I would expect something more like "And that’s my last pair of pants. Seriously, were you warming the taco in the blanket or what?"
 
@KitFox, Better :)
 
It's accusatory without making it seem like Dully actually did something.
So now what did you mean by "This place is a dumpster and you want to watch other dumpsters"?
 
It was supposed to be comedy... I'm not good at comedy...
 
Which dialog is this?
 
5:19 PM
@Mussri It's not that it isn't funny. It's just that I don't understand what you are trying to say.
 
yeah, I don't get what the other dumpsters are
 
@KitFox That Dully always leaves the room dirty and that Witty hates nature, which he thinks is dirty and so on...
 
10 mins ago, by KitFox
20 mins ago, by Mussri
How about this?
---
Dully: Hey! C'mon, it's starting. Witty! It's starting.
Witty: Yeah. Like I was dying to watch a bunch of white coats dancing with animals.
Dully: Hey! Tony wouldn't watch it with me. Just come, it's half an hour.
W: Alright, comin'. This place is a dumpster and you want to watch other dumpsters!
*Sits on bed*
W: What the- Seriously! A taco? Dully!
D: What?
W: After last night, you should know that’s my last pair of pants. Seriously, were warming the taco in the blanket or what?
 
Thank you.
 
@KitFox, How do you quote messages like that?
 
5:20 PM
@Mussri OK, then I wouldn't use "dumpster." That conjures a very specific image of a big metal box for garbage.
 
@MattЭллен Jungles/etc...
 
I see, yeah I wouldn't say dumpster. Jungles aren't known for they collections of trash
 
@KitFox A jungle, then?
@MattЭллен It's how Witty sees them...
 
pig sty, maybe?
 
@Mussri Roll over the message, put the arrow on the left side and select copy link location, then I paste the link.
@MattЭллен Pig sty might work. Something like "trash heap" but that's too trashy. We want filth.
 
5:22 PM
I don't see the connection between Dully's room and the TV show.
 
That's the problem with short stories, etc... Too little room for exposition.
 
And it sounds like they are already in the room together, so "just come" is out of place.
 
Dully was watching tv while Witty was napping...
 
"This place looks like shit and now you want to watch more shit." except that's got foul language.
@Mussri Then you shouldn't use any "come" unless it's like "come sit next to me!"
 
How about
Witty: "Animal planet? Just look at your room! It's got all the filthy nature you need."
 
5:25 PM
@KitFox I'm not a fan of F language... In fact, I'm a long-time enemy...
 
"Animal Planet? Yeah, you should feel right at home."
 
@Matt, @Kit : Too good that it now doesn't look like my writing ;)
 
Why don't you do a rewrite while we look at Matt's dialog?
 
Yup...
 
@Mussri There doesn't seem to be any indication that Witty was napping. Also isn't Dully sitting on a bed to watch TV? where was Witty sleeping?
 
5:28 PM
OK, @Matt, you're up, if you want.
 
Sure. :)
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 wait for rewrite
 
_out
 
I know I added some non-dialogue in there
 
5:29 PM
I thought it was really funny.
And I liked the chat format.
 
thanks :)
 
Did you find that it made it easier to write that way?
 
I liked it. except that I hate it when people write "sike". Isn't it "psych"?
 
@MattЭллен It relied on the plural of tacos looking strange in chat, right?
 
@KitFox the chat format? Yes, it wasn't how I decided to do it, that's just what happened
 
5:31 PM
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 I thought that lent authenticity.
 
@Mussri oh. um. not consciously
 
@KitFox ah, because it's a chat transcript
I can accept that
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 yeah it is, I think.
 
I transfer my hate from Matt to DavdDaveTacos42's brother.
 
5:32 PM
Right. Actually, I was going to say that the only thing I would offer is that it wavers between feeling like chat and feeling like a dialog.
 
I wasn't sure if I should go the whole hog and make the people make spelling mistakes and such too
So, yeah, I agree
 
I don't know exactly how to describe it, but some things are more spoken sounding and some things are more chat sounding.
That's my only suggestion for revision. Tacos. Tacos. Tacos.
or rather
tacostacostacostacos
tacopants!
 
Now I want tacos.
 
I want pizza
 
5:35 PM
Is there any specific feedback you wanted, @Matt?
I'm having thai food tonight.
 
I'm having pasta bolognese
 
I call that "saucy pasta."
 
oo! saucy! ;)
 
Oh wait. That's meated, innit?
Then it's "meaty pasta."
 
@KitFox maybe some way I could have dealt with dave leaving without deviating from the brief?
@KitFox yes, meaty pasta!
 
5:37 PM
@MattЭллен you mean without adding in the chatroom notifications?
 
@MattЭллен I actually liked it. I felt it didn't break from the dialog because it was all part of the chat format.
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 yeah
 
@MattЭллен I thought it was fine. Within the tolerable variances of your assignment. :)
 
OK, thanks guys!
 
You could maybe put in the chat names, and then have his bro have a few lines trying to get him to respond, but I think it is fine as is.
Let's see, @Gigili are you still here?
Did you want to talk about your dialog?
@DForck42 what about you?
 
5:41 PM
Yes and yes.
 
2 hours ago, by KitFox
Jul 27 at 21:16, by Gigili
Zig: What's the matter, Teddy?

Teddy: I don't know but I can't move my hands.

Zig: What?

Teddy: And my arm just fell off.

Zig: Are you alright?

Teddy: I hardly know. I'm just happy that my nose is still in its right position.

Zig: I think you shouldn't have watched that horror movie last night.

Teddy: I see no relevance. oh, my teeth...

Zig: I can't be bothered looking at you but if it is a joke, it's not funny.

Teddy: ooooooh...

Zig: mama,mamaaaaaaa, you should sew up Teddy again.
 
Note that it was my first writing experience, somehow.
 
It develops well.
I don't think of teddy bears as having teeth, though.
And Zig says "I can't be bothered looking at you but if it is a joke, it's not funny." which sounds heartless, especially right after he has shown so much concern for Teddy.
 
" I hardly know." and "I can't be bothered looking at you" don't sound like natural sentences to me... I'd use "I don't know" for the first one and for the second I'm not sure what it is supposed to mean.
 
@KitFox Mine has teeth. Two little white thingies
 
5:44 PM
Zig can't be bothered because Zig doesn't care? Zig is lazy?
 
@Gigili Hmm, OK.
 
Or Zig can't bear to look?
 
Lazy, he is.
 
"I can't be bothered to look you over"
But again, Zig seemed really concerned at first.
And Zig needs to use nice words with Mommy!
 
It sounds odd to me because usually when people are talking they are looking at each other. And looking is usually so easy that even lazy people will glance at something/someone.
 
5:46 PM
It's like Zig is lying in bed and it's late at night, he's trying to sleep.
 
OK, then, maybe change "last night" to "tonight."
 
Uhum, tonight.
 
@Gigili Ah. In that case, I think you should make that clear in the dialogue somehow. Maybe have someone mention that the lights are off or something.
 
I think I'd lead with Teddy saying "oooooh..." too, for parallelism.
Teddy: ooooooh...
Zig: What's the matter, Teddy?
Teddy: I don't know but I can't move my hands.
Zig: What?
Teddy: And my arm just fell off.
Zig: Are you alright?
Teddy: I don't know. I'm just happy that my nose is still in its right position.
Zig: I think you shouldn't have watched that horror movie tonight.
Teddy: Hug me tighter! oh, my teeth...
Zig: I can't see you in the dark but if it is a joke, it's not funny.
Teddy: ooooooh...
Zig: mama, mamaaaaaaa! Please sew up Teddy again
 
@Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 Yes, OK. I thought it had to be a dialog only without extra explanations.
What do you mean, have someone mention that the lights are off?
 
5:50 PM
Alright, I admit defeat. I wrote that dialog in 2 minutes after @KitFox asked me as I had completely forgotten but I can say that I like longer projects with longer time-frames... So, I proposing a free-for-all: Cook up a creative prompt that would take me at least a month to write and that's realistically between 1000-3000 words.
 
@KitFox Great. Thanks.
 
Warning, I'm being selfish here but :D
 
@Gigili I like the premise and I think you developed it well.
@Mussri I already agreed. I think it is a good idea, but you must be patient.
@Gigili was that helpful? Do you want more feedback, or something different?
 
@KitFox I should have been clearer, that's my closing note as I sadly need to go :(
 
@KitFox Thank you. =)
 
5:52 PM
@Mussri I'll ping you with the prompt then.
 
@KitFox Yes, about what @Mr.ShinyandNew安宇 said, how to make their position clear?
 
@Gigili I suggested "Hug me tighter" and "I can't see you in the dark but if it is a joke, it's not funny" to try to establish that.
 
"It's dark and I can't be bothered turning the lights on?" maybe?
 
"I'm too scared to look" might be more natural.
"It's too dark to see" maybe
 
@KitFox Who's saying that? "hug me tighter"? Teddy has a small bed at a corner of the room, I imagined.
 
5:55 PM
Maybe I am reading it all wrong then.
I picture a small child who is scared because of watching a scary movie.
Teddy is a lovey.
Zig is acting out her fear by projecting it onto the lovey, and showing concern for its feelings.
At least, that is what children do.
Zig might just as well berate Teddy, but then the last line, the appeal to Mommy, doesn't work.
 
Yeah. That sounds better than what I had in mind.
I'll try to rewrite it then.
I wrote half of my imagination, to keep it short.
 
Well, make it as long as you like.
 
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