How do they know about how you live?

@SouravGhosh I filled out some forms and had to write my residential address. I was also asked about this by a few colleagues and didn't consider it important to hide the fact that I live in a shared flat

Address is fine, so is distance from office (can be obtained easily). but how do they know you live in a shared accommodation? Oh...your colleagues.....

Do you have contact with external visitors? And if so how often?

@LaughU Our group is visited by other researchers once a month or so, and they usually give a talk for the entire group and interact with individual group members including me. Some visitors stay with us for a week or so

What do you think the difference is between your "very tidy" clothes and the " smart casual clothes" the secretary is taking about?

@mattfreake Price, fashion, and age, I suppose. I bought my clothes long ago in my home country. They have no holes or anything - just some very basic t-shirts, jeans, and shoes

Do you have an HR department? It's pretty strange it is the boss' secretary to deliver such a message. Was it intended to be an official warning or what?

What kind of work place are you in? An R&D group of a company? Or a research institute? Or a university?

If the shared housing is beneficial to you I wouldn't change it, that's out of their range. Though if they value you so much they should let you do as you please or you can move to another position that would be more accepting.

Are you covered by TVÖD? (union-negotiated tariff for german public employees) Even if you aren't, you should be aware that you live in a country with very strong labor laws and let this work in your favor.

spending a third of your take home pay on rent is considered normal, not outrageous at all. That is what was meant by "we pay you enough to afford" to live closer. You are being asked to be more like your colleagues, to be more "normal". This may make them more comfortable but it's not particularly fair. The smart approach would be large visible changes on things that are easy and cheap to change, and a little more discretion on the rest.

While the question has been well-received here, if this is a research institute or University, it might also be suitable for academia.se -- as the culture in Academia often differs from the one in industry

You say this came from the boss' secretary. Do you think this was a way of backchanneling a message from your boss (ie, you need to care about this), or simply this person's own opinion?

@AakashM Not the OP, but in my erperience, it would be totally out of place if this were the secretaries personal opinion. You can safely assume it was either because their boss wanted them to speak up, to not make if official, or because they overheard something negative the boss said about it and wanted to be friendly and give the OP an unofficial heads up to work on it before the boss takes action.

@nvoigt or.... maybe the secretary is overstepping her bounds and biased against OP? A lot of jumping to conclusions against OP on this thread.

Jesus, dude, I get wanting to live where it is cheaper to save money at the expense of living further away from work, but if you are making good money it is REALLY nice to have your own place. Consider finding a place of your own just because it would be nice. I think you'd enjoy it more than you would think.

Not to mention regaining 3 hours a day for any pursuit. You can also think about things in your private living room. Do you send money home? Is this why you do this? Not judging, just interested in motivation.

@TheHowlingHoaschd If the secretary were be against the OP, they would gossip this behind their back, or report it to their boss, not take them aside and tell them how to make a better impression at work.

@Issel there are benefits to living with friends besides cheap rent. I relate to OP's housing situation: I currently live with friends when I could probably rent or maybe even buy on my own. (Admittedly I WFH so my commute is negligible :P) But, knowing myself, I would mentally/psychologically shrivel up if I came back to an empty home every night, regardless of how often I would "go out". Obviously it's different for everyone, but maybe OP benefits from living with friends in many ways besides financially.

@nvoigt From the phrasing it doesn't seem like the secretary is just giving friendly advice. Maybe she is, then OP can still take it or leave it depending on his preferences.

(in b4 discussion moved to chat) A lot of people are correctly identifying the wishes of OP's employer. Thing is, if OP feels safe about his employment, he does not need to cave to every demand.

This looks a bit shady. You have used quote formatting to indicate this is what the secretary wrote you, but you write that it is briefly summarized, presumably by you. What are the actual words?

Are you willing to compromise at all on any of these items? I would view the request to "dress up" a bit as being asked to wear a uniform of sorts; not totally unreasonable. Where you live and your commute time is none of their business. As long as you are on time and ready to work, how long it took you to get to work is none of their business.

What sort of clothes do your colleagues wear? Just an idea, but would you be willing to find out if you are comfortable wearing the same sort of things? It sounds like you could afford to buy a few garments to experiment with, and of course you can give them away if you don't get on with them. You can get black jeans if you don't think you'd like wearing other styles.

@nicola A pre-warning, I guess

@Nobody It is a research institute, although I am unsure about the source of funds for the group I am working for. The research is pretty applied

@TheHowlingHoaschd Yes, I am. But I have a fixed-term contract that is supposed to be renewed. The boss is free not to renew it, although that would be tantamount to shooting his own leg

@penelope Is it appropriate to post one and the same question on two different SEs?

@AakashM I can't tell for sure. What I can tell is that the message must have been at least approved by the boss. But I don't know who came up with the idea of telling such things to me

@Issel Maybe, but the thing is that a year of working in Germany can buy me quite a few years of careless free life in my home country. Now if I succumb to the employer's demands and thereby sacrifice about a third of my after-tax salary, I will end up having saved up substantially less than I would have saved up otherwise. I came to Germany for a very specific purpose - to save up money.

@22286 A year of working in Germany can buy me quite a few years of careless free life in my home country. Now if I succumb to the employer's demands and thereby sacrifice about a third of my after-tax salary, I will end up having saved up substantially less than I would have saved up otherwise. I came to Germany for a very specific purpose - to save up money.

@pipe The actual words are pretty much what I typed, but with ummms, emmms, some additional details, and a friendly smile. It didn't sound truly offensive, just shocking to me as I had never expected to hear anything of that kind. But she is very direct in general, maybe like many other Germans. By saying it's a summary, I just wanted to make clear it isn't the exact quote

@spuck Clothes aren't really a big deal for me, but group lunches would cost 200+ Euro per month. And I really don't want to change my accommodation.