First of all, as Kurasukun said, I think that understanding the grammar here is what will really make the difference. Most of the constructs used here are relatively straightforward as long as you know what they are, so I'll try and provide reading for each relevant construct.
返事をした女の子
This...
I think that "The girl’s response is to approach me, take hold of my hand and made my hand grasp a knife." might be a better translation considering the context as the speaker does not have a knife in his hand until the girl approaches him, grabs his hand then places a knife in it for him to grasp... I don't know which translation is correct, as my purpose for posting the question in the first place is due to the [僕の手にナイフを握る] part.
@l'électeur You're totally right, I don't know why I translated into past tense - that's a little embarrassing. Thanks.
@Toyu_Frey First of all, as l'électeur pointed out, the sentence isn't in past tense. I spaced out on that one. As for the translation, I would be reluctant to do "The girl's response is...". I think this would look something more like [
@Mindful "more like [ - " what? I've already fixed the past tense and changed my possible translation to "The girl’s response is to approach me, take hold of my hand and place in my hand a knife." which does not really flow all that well, but it sticks to the original Japanese.
@Toyu_Frey Yeah, sorry, my internet is giving me trouble. The rest of my intended comment is below, but please see Chocolate's comment on your original post as well. (continued from previous post) I think this would look something more like 「女の子の返事が。。。」. More context would help me be sure, but if the fact that she (or anyone) has responded is really new information, you can try thinking of it as "a girl who responded...". I'm not sure if subordinate clauses on nouns are normally used to introduce new information though, might need a native speaker's input.
@Mindful if you want I can link you to the site where I am posting my translation comparison document, which contains the original Japanese from the physical book I am translating in addition to primarily my own translations of the sentences. archiveofourown.org/works/13161804/chapters/30102282
So I looked through your translation real quick. Frankly, I think if you want to do into this in depth you should just ask another question.
That said, my impression is that "the girl who responded" is the same girl who said "Yes, Master". I didn't read through the entire transcript though, I've just skimmed.
@Chocolate @Chocolate thank you for clarifying the meaning, but why is the translation you put under my reply in the example different from the original? I.E. the line directly above "After responding, the girl approached me, and made me hold a knife in my hand".
Discussion between Toyu_Frey and Mindful
Discussion between Toyu_Frey and Mindful