My daughter, 13, has said she wants to be a boy. A little background: we moved to a new state a year and a half ago. In her new school, she felt isolated among her peers until she met a girl in art, and became good friends. She joined the drama club, and made friends with some 8th graders. They ...
I'd chat with you to 'be there', but i can't figure out the chat rooms! But, hang in there. Remember to not lose sight of who you are and how you want to relate to your daughter through this time.
Thank you for that; my heart is breaking. It seemed to happen over night:( like she’s trying to fit in at school. I never say this to her, but she knows I’m thinking this is a phase and screamed at me that she’s a boy, and that’s that.
It seems a clear minded discussion that isn't flooded with emotions won't happen. I think that working for that is a good first step. For the record I believe in 2 genders (the whole biology thing), and that women can like 'man' stuff and vice versa. I also believe Love first is the best approach. patience is a fruit of love. So, try to focus on your love for your daughter, not your fear of losing her or the various troubles that may come from this. (fyi, since this isn't chat our comments will probably be deleted at some point).
If you want to chat, you can click this link: Parenting Chat and then click "The Playground".
@Harvestmoon - there are some good questions in the sidebar you might want to read and see if any help you, like this one in particular talking about a girl the same age.
I understand your deep disappointment and confusion, and we're here to help. "[H]elp me sort this out..." is very broad, not a clear question, and likely to result in a lot of primarily opinion based answers. "Is this a phase...?" Only time can tell. This is a question and answer site, and if you can edit this to address exactly what we can do for you (your child's therapist should be giving you some guidance as well), please do so and flag for reopening. Thanks, and I hope you do have a specific question.
This link seems to give a good foothold on the topic. Your personal experience may differ, but this is a good way to ground yourself so you can move forward in this difficult time. thejungsoul.com/…
@AdamHeeg - Nice link, and I agree with the author for the most part, but it's not readily apparent what her qualifications are, or her biases (if any; it sounds pretty balanced overall). Do you know?
Not sure about "common," but if she's struggling with her own identity and sense of self, this maybe be something she's stopping on, while trying to figure it all out (so, a phase), but it could just as well be that she was going through a progression from the "norm" to more common, to less common, and this IS the one that fits her. Try your best to not hope for a particular identity, as much as finding an outcome that makes her relatively happy and at peace with herself. Not easy. My daughter's best friend all throughout childhood is now a boy, with the hormone therapy, and all.
@anongoodnurse I do not know the details behind the author of that post. However, I can find very little useful material. Either people are against it and can't speak in a way that is personal and real, or people assume identity crisis is normal and to be encouraged.... What a difficult topic.
@AdamHeeg - That, it is. I do like that blog post, though. I was hoping to uncover the author as a researcher (or a practicing therapist). I find some good common-sense info in it, too.
@AdamHeeg Anon and I agreed to reopen for now; it's unclear if this should be closed (as a duplicate of the question I linked, or in general), but we'll give it some room for the moment so long as the answers stay on the practical advice side and not on the opinion side. If they turn towards opinion, it'll be closed again.
@Harvestmoon - It's a possible solution, but probably one she will resent. You should be asking her therapist for guidance here. Have you been doing that? If not, what happens when you take your daughter to therapy?
@Erik I hear different phrasings. I hear sex is biological (with between 0.018% and 1.7% being "intersex," depending on your preferred definition), while gender is a social construct.
@CortAmmon yeah, I was responding to Adam who said there are only "the 2 biological ones". If you believe sex is biological, there's two major ones and a bunch of complicated ones you don't learn about. (And it doesn't solve the problems of people whose biological and psychological gender don't match) Most people indeed believe sex is the biological part and gender is the social part, in which case the number of genders is arbitrary.
There's been a lot of assumptions that your daughter is trans, but your question title reminds of Sweet Polly Oliver situations, like Mulan and such. ... ... Do we / you know that it's not "I want to do boy-ish things, and I have to be a boy to do them" instead of "I feel male, and therefore gender dysphoric, so yeah"? ... ... You are in America, right?
Malandy; funny you mention Mulan; my daughter loved her gumption and the premise. She wants us to call her he/him though:/ sometimes the old her comes back-I got a makeup sample and she was interested in trying it, looked at me, then quickly put it down and said “ewww, makeup”—just a few months ago, she bought a bunch. She’s now wanting to wear boys clothes and talks of wearing a suit to her prom. She seems affected by viral YouTube videos. Nothing seems normal to me anymore-in terms of how she always was-this new situation just doesn’t fit.
If you want to signal me, the code is "@Malandy". ... ... The thing is, IIRC, all we have are symptoms, which could be from a lot of different causes. ... I can't see anything in what you said, that goes away from the possibility that it's Sweet Polly Oliver. ... But if so, there might be a specific reason she wants to change herself? ... Have you asked her about why she wants to be a boy? I didn't see that you did, in the question. But I might have just missed it? ... ... Also, Not A Doctor of any kind.
Thank you:) She said she doesn’t like having breasts or getting her period. I believe she’s trying to fit in, and enjoying the approval. This is just not fitting in to my daughter’S personality. It’s like a switch was flipped.
Discussion on question by Harvest moo…
Discussion on question by Harvest moo…