Frankly, this question shines a light on a core-problem with this stack: users tend to band-wagon around what they think is "right" instead of actual good advice for surviving a workplace. For whatever reason, the code of conduct & be nice policies are still disregarded quite often, even by long-time users.

No one has actually justified racism or sexism here. The point was mostly that a) OP has deliberately pushed someone to the edge. Again, I quote, He gets more visibly mad, which causes me to continue. We are all human and we all have our limits and b) People tend to say what would target a person's insecurity. If OP was sensitive about their weight, it would most likely not be a sexist tirade, but rather one geared towards weight. Let's be real here - most trolls are like that.

I agree that we should Assume Good Intent, but OP has admitted deception in their post, which is a blatant confession of I Have Bad Intent, right there in the post. OP has also confessed harassment of a user outside the workforce. Lord Farquaad has posted a very good explanation of the work necessary to connect with a person in a game in most cases, and as a gamer it's a very accurate explanation.

OP didn't just stumble into a stream. OP sought out a user with the admitted intent to ruin their game, and admitted to harass them. Again, I quote, He gets more visibly mad, which causes me to continue. There's two core points here that I feel are relevant: One - OP has engaged in antisocial, toxic, and harassing behaviour based on the work relationship, and wants to bring that drama into the workplace where it shouldn't be brought. This would (and should) result in dismissal.

The second point is that the colleague was pushed and incited. If I get in someone's face and poke them in the face over and over with my fingertip, no one's going to rush to my defense when that person shoves me and yells at me. Incitement, in the real world, is a real phenomenon. And in many cases it's used as legal mitigation as that person would most likely not randomly shove me and yell at me just because they feel like it.

And the other main point is that he was not actually a representative of the company. No company logo, branding, or name visible.

If OP makes the connection offline, he's bringing offline drama into the workplace. They will ask the colleague's side, find out that OP stalked/harassed him, and then Bob's your uncle.

If OP makes the connection online, then he/she will have engaged in doxxing which is absolutely, unequivocally illegal.

Which leads to the conclusion most people have reached: Say nothing, cease all toxic behaviour, perhaps forge a more friendly/productive relationship with the colleague, and hope no one finds out. I would be shocked if HR gave (new) OP a pat on the back and said goodbye to the (senior( colleague who's already well liked and trusted, and probably has no black mark to their name in reality.

And that is how OP will survive in the workplace.

@C_Z_ There is a difference in offending someone, and being incited into using offensive language... If the same thing happened to me, I very well could lose my cool and say anything to make that person stop. If I thought that I could insult their nationality or gender based on their username, I might do that, but only after I was pushed to the breaking point.

Calling this "sexist/racist apologism" is intellectually dishonest.

You further seem to think that OP merely beat them in a game, which is untrue. OP tracked this person down and joined their game with the express purpose of cheating (stream sniping/ghosting) in order to ruin their game. They continued even when they got visibly more visibly mad. If it was simply someone being an immature jerk and insulting someone because they lost, that would be one thing. This is a case of someone retaliating verbally when they were being stalked and harassed.

Remember, this is something someone said in the heat of things. This is not some action they did to discriminate against people. This is not a situation where they beat someone up based on their race. This is a case of someone using mean words to get someone to leave because they were explicitly targeted online, a form of abuse.

@TheAnathema Actually, doxing is not "absolutely, unequivocally illegal". While certainly unethical, it is only illegal if done with the purpose of harassing someone, or if it leads to harassment. On its own, it is not illegal (in the US, at least).

I maintain that being angry is not an excuse for racism sexism or bigotry of any kind. If someone finds that to be a valid strategy then i propose they do some soul searching.

as for “good intent”, that apples to the question & answer portion of this website. Just because OP admitted to bad behavior in a video game doesn’t somehow invalidate their question.

Is it bigoted flaming or just normal flaming? Online gaming isn't exactly super nice to begin with. You really can't use that angle unless the coworker in question was saying something extremely specific. If it wasn't super specific it was probably just normal rage flung at cheaters.

@DoritoStyle

@Steve I don't think that's the issue. Using racially/sexually charged language, whether it directly applies to your target or not, is a problem. You can be plenty verbally abusive to someone without pulling out a racial slur, and whether or not someone agrees with the meaning of the slur is irrelevant to perpetuating the idea that the slur: 1. Applies, even if only figuratively; 2. Is appropriate to use; and 3. Is true enough to convey its intended meaning in shorthand.

Some people commit arson when angry. While their anger might be a mitigating factor, such a behavior is never acceptable or necessary. I'm strongly opposed to what the OP did, and agree that he or she should not bring it to HR. But the coworker's behavior isn't OK just because the OP's may have been worse, and unless you want to argue that such language is the only way he could express anger in the moment and has no external consequences at all then it's fair to criticize the coworker.

@Upper_Case It's not about if it applies to your target. Specificity matters because it portrays intent. If the language was more racist than what's normally used then you have grounds to speculate that said person may have racial bias. If it's just typical language used by the community said person is playing in than it's nothing more than being tilted.

Specificity makes it bigoted in the context on online gaming. You need to compare it to acceptable language use for flaming in the game the coworker was playing in.

@Steve That's like saying that a KKK member isn't racist because his or her racial slurs are common at KKK meetings, and we have to judge their word choice by that venue. Absurd. An HR office might still object, and even if we agree that the venue is steeped in that sort of talk then the issue might be involvement in that community or those events.

Correction: I meant to say "That's like saying a KKK member's use of racial slurs wouldn't be", but now it's too late to edit.

@Upper_Case KKK members spread racial rhetoric. They don't routinely see people driven to a point of anger so great that it literal inhibits their ability to think and use fine motor skills in a hobby where thinking and using fine motor skills is literally the point on a regular basis.

That's not a valid comparison. The occasional {insert country known for producing highly skilled players or cheaters here} ruin my games in extreme cases is not at all the same thing as harboring genuine hate.

@Steve My point is that harboring genuine hate is irrelevant to the topic (though obviously consequential in itself). If you say "hey you f-ing [racial slur]", you are endorsing that the slur is itself offensive/bad (that's why you're using it, to upset someone else), that bad behavior makes use of the slur appropriate (you're using it to call out bad behavior, reinforcing that the term itself represents something negative),

and by claiming that it's the ruined game that prompts the outburst you're tacitly admitting that the word isn't appropriate enough for you to use in regular speech (that is, you know it's not good to use).

I'm not saying it's as bad as sincerely held racial prejudices, but it's not in itself good or acceptable. And it's not like the only way to express frustration or anger is through slurs-- there exist a wide variety of options which sidestep the entire issue.

@Upper_Case Without seeing what the "slur" was I have to be skeptical about weather it was actually a slur. Gotta be honest, it usually isn't a slur. Usually it's {insert country known for producing players that ruin gaming experience here}. Pretty much every single time.

Is that a slur?

If it's {name of country}, then no. But at the same time, that doesn't seem like something that the OP would flag, or even notice, as offensive, let alone consider reporting to HR. If it's {insert ethnic slur for someone from that country}, then yes.

Gotta be honest, I'm not a huge online gamer but in even my limited forays I see a lot of slurs thrown around. In any event, whether or not it was flaming is off-topic. The OP explicitly stated that the comments were racially inflammatory and extremely offensive, and thinks this strongly enough to consider going to HR. A vague assumption that it was probably an innocent comment is a purely evidence-free assertion.

Assime good intent. Even if OP fabricated this whole interaction, it doesn’t really change the Question/ Answer.

the core question is, “if I was fighting with a coworker and they started making racist & sexist slurs in public, should I report it to HR?”

All this other stuff with users getting bent-out-of-shape about gaming ethics is off-topic at best. More likely it’s a band-wagon to shit on OP to get some grade-A Internet Justice ™️, which frankly has no place on Stack Exchanghe.

When you get your ass handed to you repeatedly by a 10 year old Korean girl in a game you thought you were good at, you tend to think differently of Korean gamers from that point on. It's not racism unless you are biased against them.

On a related note, I find it amusing how someone went through and indiscriminately starred every single post that said "omg racism is bad" like it was a vote.

@forest Just because you also engage in racist behavior doesn't mean it's ok. Racial slurs are never ok, even if you are angry, and it is racist to use them. The proper response would be to turn off the computer and walk away, not use slurs against the person who is annoying you.

When did I say that "it is OK to engage in racist behavior because I do so"?

Or was that just a strawman and not an actual argument?

@C_Z_ I think you are making assumptions here. For example, did the co-worker call OP a "n*gger f*ggot c*nt"? Like, you know, actual slurs? Or were they just ranting in anger and OP saw it as racist? You are assuming already that the words used were really, really racist and that this person was being really, really racist.