to add a warning from spagirl: "Beware of unintended consequences. There is a possibility that the house would smell worse if she used ashtrays.... Again coming from shared house experience, sometimes you can stop people using plates as ashtrays, you can make sure the house has more ashtrays, buy old saucers from charity shops etc, and then you find that people don't empty ashtrays, and they get washed even less often than the plates and mugs did. They sit there as stinking heaps overspilling onto the carpets and other furnishings." You bought them it is now your job to clean them up.

I don't understand this solution. Why should others be the solution to her behavior? She just needs to be told not to be disgusting. Her personal issues and filth ridden behavior should not be anyone's problem. Sarah is deranged in her behavior and for people to "accept" it is even more absurd. Maybe I'm just more confrontational with this stuff but I would have put her in her place ( verbally of course ) every day until she understand her way is disgusting. But the fact the whole complex is scoffing it off would make me gtfo as fast as possible.

@Sidar You don't think 'deranged' is going a little far? TBH I can see both sides, I've had housemates issues in the past, but I've also been a smoker who would use a plate if it was the only thing to hand. I tended to think that itlooked scummy at the time but did no harm as everything was washable. It does tend to mean you have to treat those items as ashtrays and wash them separately and to avoid getting a tang of ash over the other dishes

@Sidar - I understand your POV, as that was pretty much my first reaction. But yeah, for one, I'm about the least confrontational person I know, and for two, as others have pointed out, an aggressive approach would complicate the house dynamics.

As it is, this is the solution I've decided to go with. I've bought an inexpensive ashtray from eBay, and I'll fill it with chocolates and a polite, silly note like "Please use me :)", just to be sure the message comes more on the passive side of passive-aggressive. If need be, I'll buy more ashtrays. It seems like the least complicated as well as least-confrontational solution to me.

@Spagirl no deranged is perfectly fine. You rationalized it with "well you can wash it off". It's still filthy behavior. Their smoking habits should not be Lou's problem. You don't know where to put your ash? Don't smoke, it's simple.

@Lou Don't be afraid to express your wishes tho. Being upfront about something doesn't mean you will be in a complicated situation afterwards.

@Sidar ‘perfectly fine’ and ‘deranged’ are hardly two sides of the same coin, and ‘filthy behaviour” need not synonymous with insanity. I understand the use of hyperbole of course, I just don’t think it is constructive on ‘Interpersonal’ matters to sling around mental health slurs.

@Spagirl ‘perfectly fine’ and ‘deranged’ are hardly two sides of the same coin My use of deranged = perfectly fine not that being deranged is fine. The opposite is true. And I'm not being facetious if you don't have the courtesy to not put your ash on peoples property then perhaps there is something wrong with you. I just think that Lou should be clear about it rather than accommodate her smoking habits. She doesn't even pay rent. I'd point her the door. If his apartment complex sees problem with pointing out nasty habbits, then Lou should consider finding a new place imo.

@Sidar, yeah, but considering I'm the new tenant and this has been going on for two years before me (so her behaviour has gotten tacit endorsement from all the other housemates,) then I'm not the one showing anyone to the door. Also, that creates a whole new set of problems.

Anyway, I've marked this as the preferred answer as this is what I've opted to do. Although the concern of overspilling ashtrays is a problem, that's Claire's problem, not mine, and I feel better if Sarah at least gets into the habit of not using plates for ashtrays.

@Lou: If you fill your tray with chocolates, aren't people going to think of it as the chocolate tray instead of the ash tray? I wouldn't dispose of my waste in a tray full of chocolate.

No, the chocolate would be gone before you needed a cigarette...

@Sidar in answer to every one of your comments... Sure, the problem is essentially Sarahs and by rights it should be Sarah who finds a solution. However, it has gotten to the point where OP wants/needs to do something to intervene and this solution is low effort, high outcome. Finding a new place is vastly more troublesome.

@Jesse I get that, but I hope people don't forget to stand up for themselves. Luo being the newest tenant doesn't mean others shouldn't respect him either. I'm not trying to argue much here, just that I find from a social point of view this to be an abysmal approach to just scoff off what Sarah is doing. Her conduct is ridden with disrespect. Buying ashtray isn't an IPS you develop, it's just shoving it under the rug. But I digress, just sharing my opinion.

@Sidar if you have an alternate solution then I suggest you make your own answer instead of spamming everything you would do differently in the comments

@Sidar you suggest to OP that he should "gtfo" but that would be far worse from a social point of view

@Sidar you say that buying an ashtray is not an IPS you develop.. I already mentioned in the answer that it was somewhat more of a hack than a typical IPS answer... also pointing to the door, leaving or just deciding not to give an ounce of ground for the benefit of the inter-personal relationship between housemates seems far more damaging than finding an agreeable solution

@JesseBarnett you're upset because I think your solution is bad and you telling me I'm spamming? I'm simply responding to people.

I said all I had to say. Don't really care. Not posting an answer of my own doesn't mean I have to agree with yours.

I was not upset, your post was spam, Comments are not for extended discussion about whether you agree with an answer or not, if you are not suggesting how to improve the post then it is not really ideal for a comment. Single comments about why you disagree are OK and can somewhat slip under the radar.. But when you are repetitively voicing your opinion in the comments and spurring up discussion it becomes spam and should be moved to a chat room like this

@Sidar back to the the main discussion: "What is more damaging to Lou is allowing her behavior to continue. What about his needs and wishes?" - That is my point. Leaving the house is the opposite of his needs/wishes. My solution finds a way of stopping the behaviour. Irrelevant of who is right/wrong, who gets put in their place or feeling satisfied from causing a conflict.

Learning how to stand up for yourself is a completely seperate issue, OP may need to work on that but it does not make answers not covering that immediately invalid