Could you expound a bit more on your experiences on living with roommates as applicable to this question? Your answer seems quite different from most of them, and I personally find it difficult to understand why it would be easier to each contribute towards significant purchases and then have to liquidate them at the end to return shares, rather than recording who bought items outright and letting them keep them. I expect it has to do with furniture wear and tear, but that doesn't seem like such a significant point to me, and I'd like to understand it better. Thank you. — Ed Grimm 1 min ago
12:07 AM
#22210 Ed Grimm (1020 rep) | A: Different budgets within roommate group (score: 0) | posted 32 hours ago by guets (9 rep) | Toxicity 0.05457154 | tps/fps: 0/0
12:54 AM
Hi and welcome to IPS! Unfortunately we don't take questions asking us to make a decision for you, in this case whether or not to say something. However we could probably answer a question about how to tell her, if you want to edit to ask about that! You can check out our help center to learn more about what's on topic here. — Em C ♦ 8 secs ago
#22225 Em C (10300 rep) | Q: Should I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 2) | posted 1 hours ago by nairb (11 rep) | Toxicity 0.09227181 | tps/fps: 0/0
1:21 AM
Thanks for adding links! FYI it looks like you may have a copy-paste error since #2 and 3 are the same? — Em C ♦ 18 secs ago
#22220 Em C (10300 rep) | A: How can I stop my niece with developmental disorder from sitting behind my juice bar? (score: -1) | posted 10 hours ago by Carduus (1365 rep) | edited 5 hours ago by Carduus (1365 rep) | Toxicity 0.04723579 | tps/fps: 0/0
2:15 AM
Thanks for the heads up. Not sure it makes sense for me to write "advice" for a situation nearly 2 years old, long since passed presumably. Feel free to delete my answer if you like. — Steve Bennett 58 secs ago
#2826 Steve Bennett (522 rep) | A: How can I ask someone I've never met to type quieter? (score: 14) | posted 668 days ago by Steve Bennett (522 rep) | edited 667 days ago by Vylix (6559 rep) | Toxicity 0.12037198 | Comment on inactive post | tps/fps: 0/0
1 hour later…
3:34 AM
Hey, I'm sorry to close this as I can tell you've spent a lot of time writing all this down, but unfortunately this isn't the right site to get advice on whether or not to try reconciling with her. Since our focus is developing interpersonal skills, we require questions to already have chosen a goal to work towards, whether that's reconciling, making work less awkward, or something else. You can check out our help center to learn more. If you do have a goal in mind feel free to edit, and I'd suggest paring down to just the relevant info if possible. — Em C ♦ 54 secs ago
#22226 Em C (10300 rep) | Q: Is it worth being her friend again or should i leave it be? (score: 0) | posted 40 minutes ago by Clo Ocelot (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.07787846 | tps/fps: 0/0
2 hours later…
5:39 AM
Could you expand a bit on why one shouldn't aim at complimenting their body shape? I think it could be useful for people who don't know much about eating disorders and anorexia in particular. Also, you're providing several helpful links, could you sum up in a couple of sentences why you think they're an interesting read? Thanks :) — avazula ♦ 1 min ago
#22218 avazula (9210 rep) | A: On what to compliment someone with anorexia in order to improve their body image? (score: 4) | posted 20 hours ago by Ælis (7926 rep) | edited 19 hours ago by Ælis (7926 rep) | Toxicity 0.20273316 | tps/fps: 0/0
Hi gnasher729! @MlleMei raised an interesting point about your backup source. Could you tell us whether you had psychology classes in college, or is studying psychology a hobby of yours? — avazula ♦ 39 secs ago
#22211 avazula (9210 rep) | A: On what to compliment someone with anorexia in order to improve their body image? (score: 7) | posted 37 hours ago by gnasher729 (5835 rep) | edited 35 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.1406911 | tps/fps: 0/0
6:01 AM
Is it possible to send her your apology without adding as a friend? I wonder if it will reach her main inbox. — NVZ 56 secs ago
#22209 NVZ (9804 rep) | Q: How to apologize to a friend I hurt two years ago without scaring them? (score: 2) | posted 38 hours ago by Superman (16 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by Superman (16 rep) | Toxicity 0.1073571 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22226 NVZ (9804 rep) | Q: Is it worth being her friend again or should i leave it be? (score: 0) | posted 3 hours ago by Clo Ocelot (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.07542801 | tps/fps: 0/0
6:19 AM
#22225 nairb (9 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 1) | posted 6 hours ago by nairb (9 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by nairb (9 rep) | Toxicity 0.094693504 | tps/fps: 0/0
6:44 AM
If James was a bit tipsy or gets drunk in a fast way, I double there's any communication that'd any good. — Paul Karam 1 min ago
#22221 Paul Karam (159 rep) | Q: How can I end interactions with a stranger after a conversation has turned bad? (score: 8) | posted 13 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.4398775 | tps/fps: 0/0
@nairb : have you considered just telling her the truth? I mean, about the books, you feelings, and why you waited so long? — OldPadawan 1 min ago
#22225 OldPadawan (16096 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 2) | posted 7 hours ago by nairb (14 rep) | edited 24 minutes ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.116643354 | tps/fps: 0/0
7:11 AM
#22207 MlleMei (1872 rep) | Q: On what to compliment someone with anorexia in order to improve their body image? (score: 13) | posted 41 hours ago by Ælis (7926 rep) | edited 40 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.10095855 | tps/fps: 0/0
#3742 MlleMei (1872 rep) | A: Comment explaining a downvote deleted (score: 9) | posted 32 hours ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | edited 27 hours ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | Toxicity 0.073963575 | tps/fps: 0/0
@scohe001 and Ælis : I understand what you're saying about wanting to avoid arguments and wanting better answers. The only thing I'll add is that silently deleting something might not be the best way to go. I've been on this site a while and would like to see it thrive, so that's why I created this post. Others might just be turned of by seeing their contributions erased with no explanation. — MlleMei 1 min ago
#3742 MlleMei (1872 rep) | A: Comment explaining a downvote deleted (score: 9) | posted 32 hours ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | edited 27 hours ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | Toxicity 0.13701196 | tps/fps: 0/0
7:38 AM
Another point about the Psychology101: If you can remember the relevant course materials and quote them, that would be great! — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago
#22211 Tinkeringbell (23796 rep) | A: On what to compliment someone with anorexia in order to improve their body image? (score: 7) | posted 39 hours ago by gnasher729 (5835 rep) | edited 37 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.111376114 | tps/fps: 0/0
@Tinkeringbell Just read Catija's answer (and the whole post) and although I understand where this rule comes from, I still am more in agreement with NotThatGuy and BlackThorn, but that's just my opinion. Since this is the policy, I think there should be a solution to make that clear to people, since this is a deviation with how comments work on other stack exchanges. — MlleMei 1 min ago
#3744 MlleMei (1872 rep) | A: Comment explaining a downvote deleted (score: 6) | posted 25 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.08709328 | tps/fps: 0/0
@MlleMei I tend to think that, if you believe that the community is making a mistake, you should write about it on meta. I strongly believe that this question is important and should stay open, that's why I would/will do a meta post if it gets closed. But if you strongly believe that this is a dangerous question that shouldn't be answered, then I highly recommend you to write a meta post about it in order to have it closed — Ælis 57 secs ago
#22207 Ælis (7926 rep) | Q: On what to compliment someone with anorexia in order to improve their body image? (score: 13) | posted 41 hours ago by Ælis (7926 rep) | edited 41 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.10810055 | tps/fps: 0/0
8:00 AM
@Ælis I'm not feeling that strongly about your question. I mainly thought you wouldn't get enough good quality answers (like you said in your own answer, you hoped for more testimonies and didn't get them here). I'll think about doing a meta post about it. — MlleMei 48 secs ago
#22207 MlleMei (1872 rep) | Q: On what to compliment someone with anorexia in order to improve their body image? (score: 13) | posted 41 hours ago by Ælis (7926 rep) | edited 41 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.0878262 | tps/fps: 0/0
possible-aic:
- q: short\Wanswer
- q: why\Wnot
- q: sounds\Wlike
- q: short\Wversion
- q: bottom\Wline
- q: just\Wsaying?
- q: worth\Wconsidering
- q: the\Wissue\Where
- q: tl.?dr
- q: ^you\Wneed\Wto((?!\?).)*$
- q: two\Wcents
- q: ^.*respond((?!(meta|\?)).)*$
- q: tell\W(them|h(im|er))
- q: if\Wi\Wwh?ere
- q: ^(.{1,50})?just(.{1,50})?((?!(\?)).)$
- q: ^(.{1,20})?".*"$
- q: in\Wmy\Wexperience
- q: i\Wwould\Wbe
- q: just\W(my|an?)(opinions?|views?)
- q: have\Wyou\Wconsidered
- q: as\Wsomeone
- q: ^\W?".*"(\b|\W)?$
- q: short\Wanswer
- q: why\Wnot
- q: sounds\Wlike
- q: short\Wversion
- q: bottom\Wline
- q: just\Wsaying?
- q: worth\Wconsidering
- q: the\Wissue\Where
- q: tl.?dr
- q: ^you\Wneed\Wto((?!\?).)*$
- q: two\Wcents
- q: ^.*respond((?!(meta|\?)).)*$
- q: tell\W(them|h(im|er))
- q: if\Wi\Wwh?ere
- q: ^(.{1,50})?just(.{1,50})?((?!(\?)).)$
- q: ^(.{1,20})?".*"$
- q: in\Wmy\Wexperience
- q: i\Wwould\Wbe
- q: just\W(my|an?)(opinions?|views?)
- q: have\Wyou\Wconsidered
- q: as\Wsomeone
- q: ^\W?".*"(\b|\W)?$
#22228 Ælis (7925 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 1) | posted 31 minutes ago by XtremeBaumer (2720 rep) | Toxicity 0.08691966 | tps/fps: 0/0
@Ælis summarized the source as that shouldn't be the main part of the question — XtremeBaumer 45 secs ago
#22228 XtremeBaumer (2732 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 3) | posted 36 minutes ago by XtremeBaumer (2732 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by XtremeBaumer (2732 rep) | Toxicity 0.11167811 | tps/
1 hour later…
10:22 AM
Hey alephzero, you might want to take a look at our faq about good answers because, right now, your answer is missing back up. Also, I encourage you to read the part about "frame-challenge" as it seems that your post doesn't really answer the question and is, thus, a bad frame-challenge. — Ælis 1 min ago
#22230 Ælis (7925 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -1) | posted 6 minutes ago by alephzero (137 rep) | edited 7 seconds ago by alephzero (137 rep) | Toxicity 0.17407621 | tps/fps: 0/0
Fine, delete it if you don't like it. I'm not going to do academic research in psychology just to post stuff here. — alephzero 19 secs ago
#22230 alephzero (137 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -1) | posted 7 minutes ago by alephzero (137 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by alephzero (137 rep) | Toxicity 0.2250714 | tps/fps: 0/0
To be honnest, I find the situation really funny. The kind of story you'll tell your grandchildren one day and all have a good laugh about. — Laurent S. 1 min ago
#22225 Laurent S. (129 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 9) | posted 11 hours ago by nairb (49 rep) | edited 4 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.27847874 | tps/fps: 0/0
Coming from a HNQ with no activity here - why were these removed? I tried going down the rabbit hole, but it seems to be fairly large with no end in sight. — Dean Ruiz 13 secs ago
#3721 Dean Ruiz (103 rep) | Q: HNQ 1 month anniversary - How are we doing? (score: 13) | posted 6 days ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | edited 5 days ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | Toxicity 0.107676916 | tps/fps: 0/0
@DeanRuiz if you're wondering why IPS was taken out of HNQ, we don't talk about that :P. There were a few question titles that made people using SO for work/professional purposes uncomfortable, and plenty of discussion here blaming HNQ for our troubles, so SE decided to take us out for a while, while they improved HNQ. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago
#3721 Tinkeringbell (23796 rep) | Q: HNQ 1 month anniversary - How are we doing? (score: 13) | posted 6 days ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | edited 5 days ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | Toxicity 0.20396143 | tps/fps: 0/0
10:59 AM
@SteveBennett it's still available on the network, isn't it? And people can have this type of situation today, for example. And with recent changes, users need to back-it-up their answers and why they would work on this situation. I'll thank avazula for the detailed explanation. — CaldeiraG 1 min ago
#2826 CaldeiraG (191 rep) | A: How can I ask someone I've never met to type quieter? (score: 14) | posted 668 days ago by Steve Bennett (522 rep) | edited 668 days ago by Vylix (6559 rep) | Toxicity 0.050235536 | Comment on inactive post | tps/fps: 0/0
Why not buy here a book by Haruki Murakami, let her read it and when she says something to the effect of "Hey! That's so much better/nicer than Ryu Murakami" say "Yes, isn't it?" and explain the misunderstanding. There's plenty of humour in the situation and I'm sure she'll be able to see the funny side. — BrummiePete 8 secs ago
#22225 BrummiePete (101 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 9) | posted 11 hours ago by nairb (49 rep) | edited 4 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.24875522 | tps/fps: 0/0
Totally agree with @LaurentS. :) just a note: if I put myself in your girlfriend perspective, I'd rather you would have told me that I got it wrong that first time! My rationale being that if we were to be together for some significant amount of time, and you are a reader, it would eventually come up that I got it wrong... and it is always worse to find out super late! — essay 34 secs ago
#22225 essay (101 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 9) | posted 11 hours ago by nairb (49 rep) | edited 4 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.28149426 | tps/fps: 0/0
11:23 AM
I understand not wanting to rain on their parade after they got you a gift, but afterwards she was teasing you over something she completely imagined about you. Why didn't you correct her and let this image be made, leading to this and possibly weirder situations? — lucasgcb 24 secs ago
#22225 lucasgcb (153 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 9) | posted 12 hours ago by nairb (49 rep) | edited 5 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.28131595 | tps/fps: 0/0
11:48 AM
Is this bar something you plan on coming back to and possibly facing this person again, or are you looking for ways to distract a person without plainly rejecting them so you may enjoy yourself for the single time you are there? — lucasgcb 52 secs ago
#22221 lucasgcb (153 rep) | Q: How can I end interactions with a stranger after a conversation has turned bad? (score: 8) | posted 18 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.09319587 | tps/fps: 0/0
12:01 PM
#22222 JayZ (101 rep) | Q: Helping my mom accept that I can't be available as much as she wants (score: 2) | posted 14 hours ago by conman (539 rep) | edited 12 hours ago by conman (539 rep) | Toxicity 0.37552798 | tps/fps: 0/0
12:19 PM
@JayZ Strangely the reason we only see her a few times a month is because of her schedule - she isn't retired quite yet and probably works 60-70 hour weeks, including many weekends. We would be happy to see her more but she's not available more. I wonder if from her perspective she sees "I'm a busy person but I reach out to you, so why can't you reach out to me?". With 5 little kids though there is literally always someone who needs something, especially in the evenings with the run up to bedtime (which is when she texted me the other night). — conman 1 min ago
#22222 conman (539 rep) | Q: Helping my mom accept that I can't be available as much as she wants (score: 2) | posted 15 hours ago by conman (539 rep) | edited 12 hours ago by conman (539 rep) | Toxicity 0.21237706 | tps/fps: 0/0
12:30 PM
#22225 colmde (331 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 11) | posted 13 hours ago by nairb (59 rep) | edited 6 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.16400276 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22222 conman (539 rep) | Q: Helping my mom accept that I can't be available as much as she wants (score: 2) | posted 15 hours ago by conman (539 rep) | edited 12 hours ago by conman (539 rep) | Toxicity 0.094936915 | tps/fps: 0/0
@lucasgcb I go to that bar somewhat regularly to watch sports. I'm not necessarily worried that I'll run into James again, but getting into a conversation with a stranger at a bar is a common occurrence. Whether or not it's a bar I plan to go back to, I'm looking for ways to get out of a conversation with someone so that I can enjoy myself without having to immediately leave the bar. — Rainbacon just now
#22221 Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Q: How can I end interactions with a stranger after a conversation has turned bad? (score: 8) | posted 19 hours ago by Rainbacon (5566 rep) | Toxicity 0.10518471 | tps/fps: 0/0
Have you read all of the books she has given you? Did you enjoy them? It may help soften the conversation if you can honestly say that you still enjoyed the gifts. — David K 25 secs ago
#22225 David K (1430 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 11) | posted 13 hours ago by nairb (59 rep) | edited 6 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.09314542 | tps/fps: 0/0
#3742 scohe001 (11740 rep) | A: Comment explaining a downvote deleted (score: 10) | posted 37 hours ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | edited 33 hours ago by scohe001 (11740 rep) | Toxicity 0.04773908 | tps/fps: 0/0
Hi Shreekar, welcome to IPS! I definitely agree that it's a good idea to consider how easily offended the girlfriend is, and I think you've got a good start to your first IPS answer here. We do ask that answers provide backup that provide examples of the answer working in action. If you have any relevant experience, you should edit your post to include that. — Rainbacon 13 secs ago
#22231 Rainbacon (5565 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 0) | posted 34 minutes ago by Shreekar Gowrishankar (9 rep) | Toxicity 0.07725073 | tps/fps: 0/0
1:04 PM
#22220 Carduus (1363 rep) | A: How can I stop my niece with developmental disorder from sitting behind my juice bar? (score: -1) | posted 22 hours ago by Carduus (1363 rep) | edited 8 minutes ago by Carduus (1363 rep) | Toxicity 0.07686915 | tps/fps: 0/0
1:15 PM
While the image of her helping out is pretty wholesome, I'd be very mindful of child labor laws specially people are taking note of her. — lucasgcb 47 secs ago
#22224 lucasgcb (153 rep) | A: How can I stop my niece with developmental disorder from sitting behind my juice bar? (score: 0) | posted 14 hours ago by aparente001 (2528 rep) | edited 14 hours ago by aparente001 (2528 rep) | Toxicity 0.20770165 | tps/fps: 0/0
I guess they are far beyond 2 books already. It sounds like it could be 7+ books already — XtremeBaumer 7 secs ago
#22232 XtremeBaumer (2862 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 2) | posted 22 minutes ago by JenInCode (427 rep) | Toxicity 0.046740897 | tps/fps: 0/0
1:33 PM
#22232 JenInCode (427 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 2) | posted 33 minutes ago by JenInCode (427 rep) | edited 4 minutes ago by JenInCode (427 rep) | Toxicity 0.057692382 | tps/fps: 0/0
The cost to this: never read a book of your favourite author again and remove him from your shelves. Else the topic will come up again and the lie will be much bigger. — Frank Hopkins 14 secs ago
#22231 Frank Hopkins (543 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -2) | posted 1 hours ago by Shreekar Gowrishankar (5 rep) | Toxicity 0.32826275 | tps/fps: 0/0
As the boyfriend I'd tell her that now that I read the books, I'm really into that pervert stuff, so she turned me into a pervert. And depending on whether I actually liked what I read or not, I may blow that up a few moments later as a hoax or just generally laugh about it. Could be a fun moment for both... depending on what humour both have... — Frank Hopkins 2 mins ago
#22234 Frank Hopkins (543 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 2) | posted 14 minutes ago by goat_fab (21 rep) | Toxicity 0.37131533 | tps/fps: 0/0
1 hour later…
2:37 PM
It is possible to message her before adding her back, but can I still send her a friend request before doing so? — Superman 18 secs ago
#22209 Superman (26 rep) | Q: How to apologize to a friend I hurt two years ago without scaring them? (score: 4) | posted 47 hours ago by Superman (26 rep) | edited 10 hours ago by Superman (26 rep) | Toxicity 0.05120278 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22227 Superman (26 rep) | A: How to apologize to a friend I hurt two years ago without scaring them? (score: 2) | posted 8 hours ago by OldPadawan (16116 rep) | Toxicity 0.07738374 | tps/fps: 0/0
As awkward as it will be to correct her, I think it's unlikely to do long term harm - she may feel embarrassed, confused or angry that you've allowed her to get it wrong for so long, but unless she is particularly sensitive to those emotions then these will pass. — DaveMongoose 32 secs ago
#22225 DaveMongoose (427 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 17) | posted 15 hours ago by nairb (92 rep) | edited 8 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.2830295 | tps/fps: 0/0
Did you consider to stay together? so that your mom can take care of some kids or occupying them by just playing with them? What is the distance between your homes now? I am asking from indian cultural context, adding your country tag would help to give more specific comments/answers. — NiceGuy 1 min ago
#22222 NiceGuy (210 rep) | Q: Helping my mom accept that I can't be available as much as she wants (score: 5) | posted 17 hours ago by conman (554 rep) | edited 47 minutes ago by Ælis (7936 rep) | Toxicity 0.098667055 | tps/fps: 0/0
Marked this comment as caught correctly (tp). Currently marked 1tps/0fps. beep boop My human overlords won't let me flag that, so you'll have to do it yourself.
I love the suggestion to give her a copy of OP's favorite Murakami novel (Kafka on the Shore is my personnal suggestion to introduce someone to the author). However, the example of conversation you gave would be a conversation I would have had at the beginning, say after one or two Ryu Murakami books gifted. But since it's been 9 months, I'd go with XtremeBaumer's suggested conversation, apologizing to her sincerely and then I'd offer her a Haruki Murakami novel. — actaram 1 min ago
#22232 actaram (101 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 8) | posted 1 hours ago by JenInCode (487 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by JenInCode (487 rep) | Toxicity 0.06461157 | tps/fps: 0/0
In this case, I'd just start with the "be nice policy", and knock on the door. Send a friend's request, wait for her answer. If she says "yes", you could send a friendly message giving/asking for updates. Not familiar with FB (never personaly used it), but like IRL, I'd ask first, and if people agree, I'd go another step. Step by step, slowly, in order to not annoy them. They can then stop anytime, and you have your answer without being "that bad guy" — OldPadawan 35 secs ago
#22227 OldPadawan (16126 rep) | A: How to apologize to a friend I hurt two years ago without scaring them? (score: 3) | posted 8 hours ago by OldPadawan (16126 rep) | Toxicity 0.15439071 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22227 OldPadawan (16126 rep) | A: How to apologize to a friend I hurt two years ago without scaring them? (score: 3) | posted 8 hours ago by OldPadawan (16126 rep) | Toxicity 0.056010637 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22227 Superman (26 rep) | A: How to apologize to a friend I hurt two years ago without scaring them? (score: 3) | posted 8 hours ago by OldPadawan (16126 rep) | Toxicity 0.096475154 | tps/fps: 0/0
Ok; I have seen cases where she has “unfriended” people but added them back (but much more quickly compared to my case); she may have waited for like days for others, but for me, it was like 2 years — Superman 47 secs ago
#22227 Superman (26 rep) | A: How to apologize to a friend I hurt two years ago without scaring them? (score: 3) | posted 8 hours ago by OldPadawan (16126 rep) | Toxicity 0.022305638 | tps/fps: 0/0
@XtremeBaumer it seems like goat_fab is suggesting that the way OP tells the GF shouldn't matter (as long as they don't do something crazy), since this is actually not as big a deal as they're making it. I do agree that this answer could benefit from explicitly stating that though. — scohe001 15 secs ago
#22234 scohe001 (11740 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 12) | posted 1 hours ago by goat_fab (129 rep) | Toxicity 0.12333513 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22222 conman (554 rep) | Q: Helping my mom accept that I can't be available as much as she wants (score: 5) | posted 17 hours ago by conman (554 rep) | edited 2 minutes ago by conman (554 rep) | Toxicity 0.27965495 | tps/fps: 0/0
Its true that my suggested course of action might be a bit too cautious and maybe a bit misleading for the GF. But lets not drift away from the topic. Your answer seems to not address the course of action OP should take. Also your answer seems to focus on the fact that the GF is at fault, which OP already sorted out as it was clearly his mistake and he wants to clear that up with his GF. — XtremeBaumer 2 mins ago
#22234 XtremeBaumer (2896 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 12) | posted 1 hours ago by goat_fab (129 rep) | Toxicity 0.05623672 | tps/fps: 0/0
@scohe001 If that is the case, that should definitely be stated, as non-native speaker might not read it that way (just as I did) — XtremeBaumer 18 secs ago
#22234 XtremeBaumer (2897 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 12) | posted 1 hours ago by goat_fab (129 rep) | Toxicity 0.112774 | tps/fps: 0/0
3:22 PM
#22222 NiceGuy (210 rep) | Q: Helping my mom accept that I can't be available as much as she wants (score: 5) | posted 18 hours ago by conman (554 rep) | edited 24 minutes ago by conman (554 rep) | Toxicity 0.02027912 | tps/fps: 0/0
I like this answer better due its approach emphasizing the humorous side of the problem, rather than building it up into a relationship show-stopper with some heavy concern. My only thought, I wouldn't discuss it over the meal itself, rather, I'd offer to cook something, and while we're standing around in the kitchen and I'm cooking I'd be like, "ok so ..funny thing I should probably explain.." and work it from there. — elrobis 1 min ago
#22234 elrobis (481 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 17) | posted 2 hours ago by goat_fab (179 rep) | edited 7 minutes ago by goat_fab (179 rep) | Toxicity 0.16921501 | tps/fps: 0/0
Marked this comment as caught correctly (tp). Currently marked 1tps/0fps. beep boop My human overlords won't let me flag that, so you'll have to do it yourself.
"you seem to have it wrong" => "I think you might have misheard something from our first conversation." Also emphasize that you really appreciate the gesture and the intent/thoughts and that's what you've been focusing on with all the gifts to date. — WBT 21 secs ago
#22228 WBT (833 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 25) | posted 7 hours ago by XtremeBaumer (2897 rep) | edited 43 minutes ago by XtremeBaumer (2897 rep) | Toxicity 0.041819636 | tps/fps: 0/0
4:33 PM
#22225 Santiago (440 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 20) | posted 17 hours ago by nairb (107 rep) | edited 10 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.068268776 | tps/fps: 0/0
4:52 PM
#22236 Ælis (7936 rep) | Q: I suspect a co-worker's experiencing abuse outside of work (score: 0) | posted 17 minutes ago by (deleted user) | Toxicity 0.074959375 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22236 Ælis (7936 rep) | Q: I suspect a co-worker's experiencing abuse outside of work (score: 0) | posted 20 minutes ago by (deleted user) | Toxicity 0.07030194 | tps/fps: 0/0
5:20 PM
Unfortunately this question as it stands will wind up being nominated for closure as it's a "what should i do" question, which is out of scope on this forum. I'd suggest deciding a course of action to take and editing this question, at which point you (hopefully) get some useful advice. Bless you for being concerned for your co-worker, BTW. — baldPrussian 1 min ago
#22236 baldPrussian (25428 rep) | Q: I suspect a co-worker's experiencing abuse outside of work (score: 0) | posted 45 minutes ago by (deleted user) | Toxicity 0.33725563 | tps/fps: 0/0
"she constantly tells people that I have a 'sick and twisted' taste in writers" That's a bit of a red flag. — Acccumulation 1 min ago
#22225 Acccumulation (462 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 22) | posted 17 hours ago by nairb (117 rep) | edited 11 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.68734 | tps/fps: 0/0
She seems overly interested in something that she claims to be perverse. She may be disappointed to find out that you're not a perv. — Hannover Fist 47 secs ago
#22225 Hannover Fist (101 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 23) | posted 18 hours ago by nairb (122 rep) | edited 11 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.57104117 | tps/fps: 0/0
Hi visitors! Please note that IPS is fairly strict about using comments as intended. Comments are only for clarifying and improving the question. Partial answers or general thoughts about the situation are subject to deletion. If you'd like to turn your thoughts into an answer instead, make sure to check out our posts on How do I write a good answer? and citation expectations first. Thanks! — Em C ♦ 1 min ago
#22225 Em C (10300 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 23) | posted 18 hours ago by nairb (122 rep) | edited 11 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.06442007 | tps/fps: 0/0
This walks a fine line between stalking and being aware of your surroundings. Someone with a malicious attitude could take this in an unfortunate direction. Be sure to always state that you thought this was suspicious actions by your co-worker at the restaurant and this caused you to further observe the situation, and not that you would do this without that suspicious reaction. — computercarguy 1 min ago
#22236 computercarguy (361 rep) | Q: I suspect a co-worker's experiencing abuse outside of work (score: 0) | posted 1 hours ago by delliottg (101 rep) | Toxicity 0.1435635 | tps/fps: 0/0
6:02 PM
Hi Martin! Welcome to Interpersonal Skills SE. We get people from all corners of the world that may not know how to be sensitive, direct and truthful. Please take a look at our meta on writing good answers and our citation guidelines. In your 50 years of walking this earth, can you remember a time where you used your suggested approach? Can you tell us a bit about what you did, and explain the reaction you got? That's basically what a good answer will look like here. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 45 secs ago
#22239 Tinkeringbell (23821 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -1) | posted 25 minutes ago by MartinC (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.06992063 | tps/fps: 0/0
It's kinda important, because 'direct' also varies across cultures. 'Directness' of communication is some kind of sliding scale, where culture A will call B 'direct', because they're more direct than A is used too. But at the same time, culture C will call B indirect, because they're less direct than C is used too. So can you add some real life examples to the adjectives you're using here? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago
#22239 Tinkeringbell (23821 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -1) | posted 29 minutes ago by MartinC (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.06537278 | tps/fps: 0/0
Welcome to Interpersonal Skills.SE! Can you please take a look on how to write a good question and the citatuion guidelines? Also, can you please say why your answer would work? Providing personal experience as an answer backup makes it easier for OP to understand and follow your approach. Thanks! — CaldeiraG 1 min ago
#22240 CaldeiraG (191 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -1) | posted 27 minutes ago by Tezra (99 rep) | Toxicity 0.050655197 | tps/fps: 0/0
I think the part of framing the issue as not being her mistake is a very good idea. I think you should expand upon that with personal experiences of reframing a misunderstanding to not cast blame. On the other hand, the suggestion of allowing her to discover the mistake and then saying "your Murakami is very good" is not a good one since the OP has mentioned that his girlfriend find the Murakami she got him to be "weird" and "disturbing". — Rainbacon 36 secs ago
#22238 Rainbacon (5576 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -1) | posted 41 minutes ago by Harper (2795 rep) | edited 27 minutes ago by Harper (2795 rep) | Toxicity 0.23081301 | tps/fps: 0/0
Hi J-L! Can you perhaps dig up some digital link to your advice column example? That would be an awesome addition. I'm also worried about the comparison you make. The example gives a quite natural progression of events, without much waiting, while you suggest OP actively lets the girlfriend wait. Also, in the example, it's only a material possession that's dinted, while the person is still okay, while you do point out that if OP uses this approach the girlfriend might very well think there's something wrong with OP, which seems much worse. Do you really think this is a valid comparison? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago
#22235 Tinkeringbell (23819 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -3) | posted 2 hours ago by J-L (95 rep) | edited 11 minutes ago by J-L (95 rep) | Toxicity 0.1784197 | tps/fps: 0/0
Welcome to Interpersonal Skills.SE! Can you please take a look on how to write a good answer and the citation guidelines? Also, can you please say why your answer would work? Providing personal experience as an answer backup makes it easier for OP to understand and follow your approach. Thanks! — CaldeiraG 31 secs ago
#22240 CaldeiraG (191 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -1) | posted 37 minutes ago by Tezra (99 rep) | Toxicity 0.03912542 | tps/fps: 0/0
Not quite the same, but have you read the short story "The Gift of the Magi" by O. Henry? — Barmar 30 secs ago
#22225 Barmar (201 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 24) | posted 19 hours ago by nairb (127 rep) | edited 12 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.061223723 | tps/fps: 0/0
Marked this comment as caught correctly (tp). Currently marked 1tps/0fps. beep boop My human overlords won't let me flag that, so you'll have to do it yourself.
@Tinkeringbell, I wish I could give a digital link, but this advice "column" was printed in the 1900's, back when advice was printed among the "columns" of news in a newspaper! The point of my advice is to frame the situation so that it doesn't appear so bad in retrospect (such that: if that's the worst news I hear today, then today is a pretty good day). I don't mean to wait as in to torture her, but rather to wait just long enough to let a "big-scheme-of-things" attitude sink in, so when she hears the real story she'll feel relief instead of anger. — J-L 25 secs ago
#22235 J-L (95 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -3) | posted 2 hours ago by J-L (95 rep) | edited 24 minutes ago by J-L (95 rep) | Toxicity 0.27132842 | tps/fps: 0/0
#22203 NiceGuy (210 rep) | Q: Mediating Between a Parent with High Expectations and a Defensive Sibling (score: 6) | posted 2 days ago by M.A.R. ಠ_ಠ (146 rep) | Toxicity 0.1167151 | tps/fps: 0/0
Type | # Matched | % of Matched | % of All Type | % of ALL Comments -------------------------------------------------------------------- tp | 68 | 5.69514238% | 6.19307832% | 0.14857542% fp | 56 | 4.69011725% | 10.46728972% | 0.12235623% Total | 1194 | - | - | 2.60880965%
Then cite it traditionally. That is allowed, and it drives the "protect the forum from its users" crowd bananas. — Harper 9 secs ago
#22235 Harper (2797 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -3) | posted 2 hours ago by J-L (95 rep) | edited 31 minutes ago by J-L (95 rep) | Toxicity 0.12028583 | tps/fps: 0/0
@Harper, thanks, but it was such a long time ago, I don't remember where I read it. Probably from Ann Landers in the Denver Post, but I'm not even sure of that. — J-L 48 secs ago
#22235 J-L (95 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -3) | posted 2 hours ago by J-L (95 rep) | edited 34 minutes ago by J-L (95 rep) | Toxicity 0.10067357 | tps/fps: 0/0
Not a specialist, but I'd suggest "I really appreciate all the books you got me" => "I really love how you try to get me my favorite books for me all the time". This also implies that you like what she is doing and would love for it to continue -- just with some minor adjustments, like a different author. :) — Vilx- 7 secs ago
#22228 Vilx- (116 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 28) | posted 10 hours ago by XtremeBaumer (2897 rep) | edited 3 hours ago by XtremeBaumer (2897 rep) | Toxicity 0.050601404 | tps/fps: 0/0
Am I right in assuming that you don't simply want to 'wait out' the situation? Ryu Murakami only wrote 48 books (of any note) so you're a quarter of the way through their bibliography already. — Valorum 38 secs ago
#22225 Valorum (656 rep) | Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 26) | posted 19 hours ago by nairb (137 rep) | edited 12 hours ago by avazula (9210 rep) | Toxicity 0.23562871 | tps/fps: 0/0
@WBT: agreed, that phrasing needs improvement. Using the passive voice ("there was a mixup") avoids attributing or blaming the mistake to anyone. I'd suggest "... I need to tell you my favourite author is a different Murakami. I couldn't think of a way to mention it earlier because I did appreciate the thoughfulness..." — Peter Cordes 50 secs ago
#22228 Peter Cordes (103 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: 28) | posted 10 hours ago by XtremeBaumer (2897 rep) | edited 3 hours ago by XtremeBaumer (2897 rep) | Toxicity 0.25351393 | tps/fps:
7:08 PM
I agree with this post. As a person who has mild depressive tendencies, the physical/emotional/hormonal/lifestyle changes of the pregnancy and birth, plus the stress and sleep deprivation of having a newborn in need of constant care made my mental health MUCH more of a problem and I struggled to cope, let alone enjoy my new baby (although I love him as dearly as any mother loves her child, I was just so unhappy!). A person who is already pretty severely depressed and doesn't feel they are healthy enough for that major life change and physical ordeal is probably right. Believe your wife. — Meg 53 secs ago
#22216 Meg (3381 rep) | A: My wife has now decided she doesn't want have children, but I fear it's just because of mental illness (depression) (score: 10) | posted 42 hours ago by Jan Dorniak (231 rep) | Toxicity 0.11188655 | tps/fps: 0/0
2 hours later…
8:53 PM
Hey Elizabeth, welcome to IPS! We require answers here to be back up by personal experience or external sources. So, could you edit your post to tell us about a time when you use this technique and it worked? Who was involved, what exactly did you say and how did the other person react? — Ælis 1 min ago
#22242 Ælis (7934 rep) | A: How can I bring up the topic of my birthday gift to my girlfriend? (score: -2) | posted 24 minutes ago by Elizabeth Karlovics (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.066449165 | tps/fps: 0/0
Welcome to Interpersonal Skills.SE! I think there is a bit of confusion here: Her GF already asked the OP what he wants as a gift. His main goal (from my perspective) is to address that the OP wants a gift at the same price range of his gift to her but also knows she is saving for school (and doesn't know what can she spend on a gift). Please edit your question to address this issue. And follow AElis advice too, thanks! — CaldeiraG 1 min ago
#22242 CaldeiraG (190 rep) | A: How can I bring up the topic of my birthday gift to my girlfriend? (score: -2) | posted 32 minutes ago by Elizabeth Karlovics (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.035521146 | tps/fps: 0/0
9:13 PM
Hi and welcome! I noticed you have a few different questions here, both dealing with the person causing this and your other colleagues. In order to make this not too broad, I suggest focusing on just one at a time. It'd also be helpful if you could clarify what outcome you'd like when you say "deal with" the situation (stop him from taking over your project? escalate to management? Keep in mind also we're focused only on interpersonal skills, if you're interested in workplace-specific advice you may want to search The Workplace since they may have similar questions already). — Em C ♦ 2 mins ago
#22243 Em C (10300 rep) | Q: Problem with the "thirst of power" of a colleague (score: 0) | posted 14 minutes ago by Alessandro Pecile (1 rep) | edited 7 minutes ago by Em C (10300 rep) | Toxicity 0.0708816 | tps/fps: 0/0
9:39 PM
Hi, thank you for your suggestions! I have tried to explain in a better way. If my post is OT, say that to me, and please direct me to a better site. — Alessandro Pecile 1 min ago
#22243 Alessandro Pecile (1 rep) | Q: Problem with the "thirst of power" of a colleague (score: 0) | posted 39 minutes ago by Alessandro Pecile (1 rep) | edited 2 minutes ago by Alessandro Pecile (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.022703402 | tps/fps: 0/0
1 hour later…
10:48 PM
Can you add some background for these ideas? Our post on citation expectations has some details. Basically, we're looking for either personal experience where this sort of solution worked, or supporting references, to avoid questions here getting a bunch of untested "try this and see what happens!" type answers. — Em C ♦ 21 secs ago
#22223 Em C (10300 rep) | A: How can I stop my niece with developmental disorder from sitting behind my juice bar? (score: 0) | posted 25 hours ago by BluePulse (154 rep) | Toxicity 0.13454066 | tps/fps: 0/0
11:19 PM
We require answers on this site to include some backup for their suggested course of action. For example, have you done something like this successfully in the past? Also, why is being indirect and taking years to explain preferable to telling her now (especially given that she's telling his family he's "into weird stuff" in the meantime)? — Em C ♦ 1 min ago
#22245 Em C (10299 rep) | A: How do I tell my girlfriend she's been buying me books by the wrong author for the last nine months? (score: -2) | posted 1 hours ago by user117529 (237 rep) | Toxicity 0.13462166 | tps/fps: 0/0
« first day (693 days earlier) ← previous day next day → last day (782 days later) »
