i need this answer for my final review — jalonnie wiggins 1 min ago

While this whole answer is good, I feel like the way your fiancee first approached it and the attitude conveyed in her first statement you quoted is especially key. — Ed Grimm 1 min ago

@Upper_Case: I emailed the landlady twice, pretending to still be interested in moving in; asking her if I can move in soon; she stopped replying to that. :( — Aritro Pathak 1 min ago

This reminds me of back when I had to eat in a cafeteria with coworkers. Sometimes there would be one person rambling on about some extreme position. Nobody else would talk while he was talking about it, refusing to engage him on any level. This was because nobody agreed with him, nor felt like arguing with him was an option. Sometimes it took new people a few weeks to figure it out, but most caught on right away. — Ed Grimm 55 secs ago

Revision history is visible to all so there's no need to call out edits in the post. Edit comments are still subject to our code of conduct. I suggest you focus on one concrete example. How do you end these lines of inquiry if saying "no" just results in them asking again? How is the team structured, what is your role, what is the role of those asking? You also have yet to answer Tinkeringbell's questions from earlier. — Em C ♦ 1 min ago

My primary concern was that if I make her reminisce too much or too deep, it may cause some other long-term issues (like the depression reinstated) that wouldn't happen were I not to ask at all. This is the key difference from asking about all other kinds of sensitive information IMO. — Thea 1 min ago

Following the above comment, my question was not about properly asking about sensitive information, but about staying on the safe side when the action of asking itself is potentially dangerous. — Thea 10 secs ago

This is an exceptionally broad question. I understand you're probably coming from a place where you have difficulty formulating more specific questions. However, I think it might be helpful for you to look at the help center (click on the filled circle question mark in the upper right corner), read a bunch of the other posts, and also read posts on the meta site for this stack exchange to get a better feel for the site and what sorts of questions might be answerable here. — Ed Grimm 44 secs ago

Thank you for sharing. May I know how old you are? Also, does the relative lack of ambiguity in the situation I am present itself as a double - edge sword? — I_learn_as_I_live 1 min ago

Hey Ed, this sounds an awful lot like an "I have this problem too" mixed with a "try this". While it's nice for the OP to know they're not alone, telling them what you think might work, but that you haven't actually tried won't actually help them solve their problem. — Rainbacon 1 min ago

@I_learn_as_I_live We all take actions that could be improved on. I personally envy your lack of ambiguity. I spend a lot of time wondering if she didn't get my messages or if I'm mistaken about the person I contacted being her. I'm in my 40s. — Ed Grimm 10 secs ago

@EdGrimm Can I infer from your envy of the lack of ambiguity in my circumstances that you are of the opinion that this friend is gone for good? — I_learn_as_I_live just now

'Your friend at least got the message that you care and want to talk about how the two of you feel about each other'. This is indeed somewhat liberating to know. — I_learn_as_I_live 9 secs ago

@Rainbacon It feels to me like if the OP is only able to get answers from people who have been through what they've been through and then had a good experience with the person later, then there aren't many who can answer their question. — Ed Grimm 13 secs ago

@I_learn_as_I_live I honestly don't know about either of them. Your friend at least got the message that you care and want to talk about how the two of you feel about each other. — Ed Grimm 1 min ago

Hey, thanks for the answer! May I ask if you us this technic often and how it usualy turn out? — Ælis 1 min ago

Thanks for the answer! I'm a bit afraid that this will still be seen as rude. Do you have personal experience where you did this and the other people didn't mind? — Ælis 12 secs ago

To clarify, I already had his facebook and later when he eventually returned he said he wouldn't mind me knowing his phone number — Termatinator 6 secs ago

To clarify, I already had his facebook and later when he eventually returned he said he wouldn't mind me knowing his phone number — Termatinator 17 secs ago

Hi user71927! Interpersonal Skills are indeed often tied to 'social intelligence', but this is really too broad. Did the people that call you as such did so in response to specific circumstances? Or where they mentioning examples? We can help you with one at a time: focus on your behaviour, the result it had, and the result you'd like to achieve next time. Follow the steps in our good question guidelines. They might not make your question perfect at first try, but I promise they'll get you going in the right direction. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 24 secs ago

Hey kmort, welcome to IPS! This site is a bit different than the ones you seem to be usually participating on, when it comes to answering questions, to avoid this turning into a big opinionated 'you should do X' festival. Can you take a look at our good answer guidelines and also our citation expectations (you can probably skip right to the subjective part, if you're in a hurry), and edit your answer to include the back up mentioned there? What happens when you do this? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Hi R..! This site is a bit different than the ones you seem to be usually participating on, when it comes to answering questions, to avoid this turning into a big opinionated 'you should do X' festival. We have good answer guidelines and also our citation expectations. Besides not meeting the criteria for backed up posts, how do you suggest OP deal with Alex? This is not the place to argue against discussing politics in the workplace, so please answer the question asked. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Hi JenInCode! Can you explain a bit more how asking Alex for thoughts or refusing to discuss politics at all will avoid sending the impression to Alex that OP is okay with Bob's point of view? You can ask people for thoughts, but this can also send a message that you actually think Bob's idea is great, depending on the way you do it. If you do ask people for their thougths, how do you do this in a way that shows your disapproval of the point you're asking about? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Hi Cameron! If you don't have the personal experience @Ælis mentioned, can you take the time to find some source on body language out there, that supports your claim? Take a look at our citation expectations, we really expect every answer to meet those to avoid turning this site into an opinionated 'I suggest you could do X' festival. So, if you can, please find a good source to link to, and perhaps even quote the relevant parts in your answer. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 26 secs ago

F U C C social intelligence — user71927 18 secs ago

You guys are being too picky. — user71927 1 min ago

@NiceGuy If you end up discovering that your wife falls in category n°3 and has no desire to start following a budget, going to see a counselor yourself might be useful to create some tactics to make this more livable for you and save something. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. — MlleMei 55 secs ago

I'm putting this question on-hold as off-topic because it is not about interpersonal skills as described in our help center. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 42 secs ago

Hi Scottie! Welcome to Interpersonal Skills, a website that focuses on questions and answers about the behaviors people use when interacting with others to achieve goals. We focus on interactions between people, not so much on helping people work through their feelings. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with all this, but your question doesn't fit within the criteria described in our help center. Hang in there, keep up the counseling and professional help, and perhaps ask them if they know any great online communities that can support you and to who you can reach out in moments like this — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Why do you think it is off topic? I am asking for help in interpersonal skills. Is that not coming through? — Scottie H 1 min ago

How you feel is intRApersonal, we can't answer that here. What we would tell you is too opinion based and can't lead to good answers. What one should tell someone in your sitiation is too broad to have an answer. All of those things can be found in the link @Tinkeringbell provided you. This doesn't mean your question is not important or that we don't care about your feelings. It only means that we cannot provide quality answers to your question as it is now. — Imus 22 secs ago

But, I am OK with opinions, in this case. Some questions simply do not have "quality answers." And that is OK. In other SE forums I have asked questions that can only be answered with opinions. — Scottie H just now

@ScottieH I understand you feel horrible, but would there be any practical examples that your condition (Trauma and Xenophobia) . Like, what did you do and how did the others react to the situation...etc — noobtubesnoop 1 min ago

Scottie, the questions that do not have 'quality answers' have no place on this, or any other, stack exchange site. There's a reason all sites have a way to put a question on-hold as primarily opinion based. The problem with yours is that it's off-topic though, as it's not about your Interpersonal Skills but about your feelings. Like I said in my first comment, if you're looking for people sharing their opinions or experiences, you should probably ask the professionals that are helping you know if they know of such a community. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 41 secs ago

@user71927 Interacting more may help you be more socially intelligent. Being friendly, being kind and patient. This forum might be a good place for you to practice social intelligence, albeit, online only. — noobtubesnoop 1 min ago

"I don't know of a natural way to do this" - that, the "natural" part, is actually a really good thought to follow. If I was in a room where somebody was spouting racist statements, my reaction would be disgust. Even if I wouldn't say anything, my face would naturally display that disgust. Looking at the guy as if he's made up of excrement, or at least as if I'm asking myself if he just escaped the loony bin. Mouthing a WTF when he says something like "all [x] are rapists". This will not work as well with other, less offensive discussion subjects, but it would work here. — R. Schmitz 37 secs ago

Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps. — NiceGuy 55 secs ago

Hello @ScottieH, welcome to Interpersonal Skills. The question is asking on how to deal with an impression given to Alex, and I don't see an answer to the Ælis' question in this post. Also, you say you've been in similar situations all the time, if you do have any experience with sending a message that you're not agreeing with a Bob to an Alex, can you explain how you did it and most importantly, describe what the result of your actions was, like our citation expectations require of answers on this site? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Hi wvh, you mentioned that you've learned about using non-verbal communication, which makes me think you've had some success with the eye-roll in the past. If so, could you add that to your answer. It would do a great job of helping it conform to our citation expectations — Rainbacon 37 secs ago

Fellow Indian here.Why did you marry if you cannot trust a girl? No one can force/safeguard for too long. To give an idea about indian culture to others : adultery is less than 0.0001% in india, so almost every girl is trustable unless you find some valid proof than just being beautiful and bachelor men living nearby. — NiceGuy 18 secs ago

How can I have a conversation with my wife to be ensured of her faithfulness? What if she says 'I am faithful to you' - Will you trust her? I don't think so. — NiceGuy 1 min ago

There is a way to know if your boss is simply rude ("has a communication problem") or actively trying to bully you: smile, or display a positive attitude, or announce some good news about you, and watch his reaction closely. If he immediately bullies you, or says something insulting, this will give you a big hint that he wants you to be miserable. What were his reactions in similar past occurences? — peufeu 1 min ago

There are any number of reasons she may not want to rent to you, including (but certainly not limited to) some sort of discriminatory intent. It's also not polite to waste her time pretending to be interested-- this is a business for her. But it doesn't seem like you would have enjoyed renting from this woman anyhow, so maybe it's for the best. — Upper_Case 1 min ago

A quick google search shows that professional computer repair is usually charged at $50-75/hr. You don't need to tell me what you're charging if you don't want to, but is it below this? (if it is, "I'm already giving you [this much] discount on what ppl would charge if you went elsewhere" would be part of my answer) — scohe001 1 min ago

I'm not sure how this would work in the situation described - OP already made a comment to Bob and then disengaged before Alex walked in. How do they re-engage to ask this question in front of Alex when they've just told Bob they don't want to discuss it? Also, it'd be great if you could add a bit about your personal experience with this technique or even a reference, to fit our citation expectations. — Em C ♦ 1 min ago

Obviously, it is too late to remedy the Alex situation using this procedure, since that occurred in the past. It seems that the OP wants to know what they should do in the future should such a situation arise. This is evidenced by the statement "How could I have made it clear to Alex" (emphasis mine). Presumably, in the future, the OP would not have originally engaged Bob at all: "immediately realized it was a mistake". The question is about what to do instead of sitting silently. — Scott 53 secs ago

Hi Jim! Welcome to IPS. The information scohe requested would be very useful. But what's also important: As you can see in our help center pages, we can't make your arguments for you here. So can you tell us a little about what you want to tell these people as an argument for charging them? Then we can help you with presenting those arguments in a suitable way. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Sure, what I was trying to get at is that it seems like this only works for the coworkers in the room at the time. What if a coworker walks in after OP has asked their question? Is there anything they can do then? — Em C ♦ 31 secs ago

Hey NiceGuy! Take a look at our citation expecations and our good answer guidelines: we require answers to be more substantial than just thoughts on what could be done, and include some references to their outcome or sources. Have you used this approach, or seen it recommended somewhere? Can you edit your answer to include the outcome of using the approach/include the references to where this is recommeded as the approach for letting people know that your time is valuable? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

"this only works for the coworkers in the room at the time." This seems to me to be exactly what the OP wants to accomplish. ""I don't want a way to tell Alex, after the fact: 'I don't share Bob's views'." The OP wants to accomplish this in real-time, so that they can occupy the same space as Bob and others while making clear to others, in real time, that the OP does not share Bob's views. I personally feel that accomplishing that task is unnecessary, but that is irrelevant. The OP wants to accomplish that, and telling them what they can do afterward answers a different question. — Scott 21 secs ago

I'm accepting this answer because you're correct about asking "can I ask" first, even though she responded that "Don't ask about this. I've been fine. No worries." and I ceased the topic then. — Thea 50 secs ago

I see, I guess we have different interpretations of what scenario the OP wanted to address in the future. Perhaps they will come by to clarify :) — Em C ♦ 1 min ago

Hi Mark! Can you clarify a bit more what you (and possibly even the rest of the group) would consider 'rectified'? There's a whole range of possible outcomes, from gently letting the friendship run its course and whither, to trying to hold on to it in different ways. You say you can't directly talk about this easily, but does that mean you don't want to talk at all, or find a way have such talks more indirectly? If the latter, what would be the kind of message you'd like to send, that A doesn't need to bother if he doesn't want to? That you're all sorry, but really do want him to stick around? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 44 secs ago

Have you considered that to get the legal protections you seek, you need the government's standard form? It may be complicated, but it is the cumulative result of years of landlord-tenant disputes. — El Stepherino 1 min ago

I'm sorry but your answer won't work for me since I don't want to engage in any kind of conversation with Bob. Also, there are continuously people coming in and out of the question, so this doesn't solve the issue if I do as you are suggesting and then someone else comes in afterward. — Ælis 40 secs ago

Hi Heather, welcome to IPS! Please take a minute to read our citation expectations. To avoid getting a bunch of untested opinions, we ask that answers on IPS include some backup in the form of either personal experience or references - could you explain why you think this advice will work, have you used this approach in a similar situation before, or is this something you've seen recommended by someone else? You might find How do I write a good answer? helpful too. — Em C ♦ 15 secs ago

Hi Heather, welcome to IPS! Please take a minute to read our citation expectations. To avoid getting a bunch of untested opinions, we ask that answers on IPS include some backup in the form of either personal experience or references - could you explain why you think this advice will work, have you used this approach in a similar situation before, or is this something you've seen recommended by someone else? You might find How do I write a good answer? helpful too. — Em C ♦ 5 mins ago

Please don't worry about long answers, we actually prefer those here! I've also often seen votes undone and even reversed after a good edit, so don't lose hope :) — Em C ♦ 1 min ago

Oh.. well this is awkward XD. Can you still answer the part about talking? You say you can't directly talk about this easily, but does that mean you're looking for a non-verbal approach, or just that answers should keep in mind that you can't just tell A whatever you want? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 6 mins ago

(As it seems you're not around to provide this information right now, we've temporarily put your question on hold. This will prevent answers suggesting approaches towards solutions that don't reach the required outcome) — Tinkeringbell ♦ 10 mins ago

More or less that's true. We want him to feel better and stick around, because we do feel grateful to him, and don't really want to lose a close friend over this (which would make everyone miserable, him included) — Mark Green 11 mins ago

Hey there Heather! If I may... I'd like to offer some pointers to hopefully avoid getting downvoted. Quite frankly, I think your comments to your answer would make an excellent answer. They are relevant, show personal experience, and offer a solution to OP's problem. The proposed answer itself is more of a "try this" and, although I suspect it will be successful, doesn't have the backing of your comments. It takes a little bit to get a feel for how to answer a question successfully on this forum; please don't lose heart. — baldPrussian 11 mins ago

We can talk about it tactfully. We just can’t directly have A imply that this is what’s frustrating him, or imply it ourselves, because that would make him sound entitled or accuse him of such. — Mark Green 1 min ago

Thank you! I hope you'll get some good answers :) — Tinkeringbell ♦ 51 secs ago

That is a good edit. Have an upvote! — baldPrussian 1 min ago

"Also, there are continuously people coming in and out of the question" In order to accomplish this, you will need to continuously send out signals, to everyone around, that you disagree with Bob. If you don't want to engage Bob (i.e. you do not want Bob to receive these signals) then this will be physically difficult to accomplish.... — Scott 26 secs ago

Hi Nick, welcome to IPS! This site operates a little bit differently than most on the internet. Answers are only supposed to be used to answer the question. To ask for clarification, you can use the comment feature (once you have the required rep). To indicate that you found the question useful, you can upvote it. — Rainbacon just now

@Rainbacon All the other answers state in various ways: "Ask him to turn the volume down". My answer suggests a reason WHY the volume might be loud in the first place, and that he might not appreciate that it can sound a lot different elsewhere in the car. Please explain the downvote. — Nick 1 min ago

There's a good chance that's the reason for the downvote. — bob 57 secs ago

@Nick One thing that would help this answer is to make the answer portion of it more prominent: make it bold, or reiterate it with a section heading--something to make it clear that there's an answer to the question in addition to a possible explanation of the loudness. The latter is helpful, but you'll get much better reception in terms of votes if you "follow the rules" (in this case explicitly answering the question). It's one of the more frustrating parts of SE, but SE is kind of strict when it comes to its rules, and doesn't usually respond well to people bending them. — bob 1 min ago

@bob per your advice, I added some emphasis to make my answering the question a bit clearer. — Nick 57 secs ago

Thanks. I edited it a bit too (I added a heading) to hopefully make it fit better as an SE answer. It should hopefully help reduce downvotes, as I think this is a good answer, it just wasn't clear before to people reading it what the overarching answer was. Feel free to tweak the heading if I didn't capture it correctly. And welcome to SE! — bob 1 min ago

Candy Crush and games like it belong to the "Match 3" genre. I'm not sure if that's helpful but Candy Crush's poor reputation has very little to do with its actual gameplay so maybe using this terminology to more completely disassociate whatever game you were playing from it would reduce negativity. Using more proper terminology might also make the true gamers less judgmental. — EldritchWarlord 1 min ago

@bob I rejected your proposal to add a heading. In my opinion, the heading you suggested just restates what others have already said (ie. "just ask"), and it noticeably detracted from my intent to contrast my answer with the other answers here. The format of the heading also draws undue attention to my answer, to the detriment of the other good answers provided. I feel the bold, on its own, is sufficient. — Nick 1 min ago

@Upper_Case I just saw this, and was not going to comment, but now feel like asking if you lead such a meaningless life as to take time out to make comments such as the above one? — Aritro Pathak just now

This is very very person specific. Pretty much only my husband, my doctor and my boss at work knows my phone number or address, and nobody knows my family at all. Different people have different normal levels of privacy about different information. I think what is normal for friends to know may also have changed. — Vality 37 secs ago