The Closet

12:53 AM

@Upper_Case And frankly, writing answers here is a very unpleasant experience. — gnasher729 1 min ago

IPS Comment Bot

2:18 AM

@gnasher729 couldn't agree more. I've been here since the early stage and now the "rules and regulation" just makes me felt unpleasant to provide answers. — Revol729 1 min ago

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IPS Comment Bot

7:08 AM

I don't get your answer. Is it the whole thing you would say or part of it? — A J ♦ 2 mins ago

#20352 A J (6806 rep) | A: Brother thinks no one wants to hang out with him (score: 0) | posted 18 minutes ago by Erin Thursby (1607 rep) | Toxicity 0.13096155 | tps/fps: 0/0

Then you need to edit it a bit and improve formatting to reflect so. — A J ♦ 33 secs ago

#20352 A J (6806 rep) | A: Brother thinks no one wants to hang out with him (score: 0) | posted 19 minutes ago by Erin Thursby (1607 rep) | Toxicity 0.116839424 | tps/fps: 0/0

I would say all of it. — Erin Thursby 52 secs ago

#20352 Erin Thursby (1607 rep) | A: Brother thinks no one wants to hang out with him (score: 0) | posted 20 minutes ago by Erin Thursby (1607 rep) | Toxicity 0.05876164 | tps/fps: 0/0

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There is blockquote formatting you can use and try to break it down in small paragraphs. — A J ♦ 39 secs ago

#20352 A J (6806 rep) | A: Brother thinks no one wants to hang out with him (score: 0) | posted 21 minutes ago by Erin Thursby (1607 rep) | Toxicity 0.07438846 | tps/fps: 0/0

You can't make anyone do anything. A little tough love might be good here... "I've given you advice and help in the past, but you don't seem to follow up on it." — Erin Thursby 37 secs ago

@theblindprophet Can you please mention country/culture as it may influence answers? — A J ♦ 48 secs ago

I have tried to improve formatting a little. — A J ♦ 30 secs ago

As it maybe a good answer, but answers on IPS must not contain just a suggestion, but they should also explain why that answer would work in OP's case. Do you have any personal experience or any credible sources to back it up? — A J ♦ 1 min ago

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IPS Comment Bot

8:04 AM

Thanks for all the answers. It's been some months now, and David is making a true progress, working very very hard. As it turns out by progressing he is becoming more aligned with the perspective of his teacher. Perhaps she knew that early on and just let him do his thing waiting for this alignment. — oupoup 1 min ago

IPS Comment Bot

8:31 AM

Has he ever shown signs of being unfaithful? Was there anything suspicious during the time she was visiting him? — Raskkii 56 secs ago

#20355 Raskkii (311 rep) | Q: Boyfriend wants to visit friend abroad. Should I be worried? (score: 1) | posted 15 minutes ago by Sk88 (6 rep) | Toxicity 0.08662442 | tps/fps: 0/0

Hi Sk88. Welcome to IPS. Unfortunately, as it stands, your question is off-topic. Just reading the title, it's completely opinion-based. Then, in the body, seems unclear to me. What is your goal here? Can you please edit and clarify? Thanks — OldPadawan 45 secs ago

#20355 OldPadawan (14246 rep) | Q: Boyfriend wants to visit friend abroad. Should I be worried? (score: 1) | posted 16 minutes ago by Sk88 (6 rep) | Toxicity 0.1214195 | tps/fps: 0/0

IPS Comment Bot

10:05 AM

If you doubt him, then maybe your relation is not very strong. For me love means trust. You may be able to keep him away from her currently, but if he wants to cheat then he will find a way (if not today, then tomorrow). And if he is one of the honest types, then no amount of seduction will make him surrender. — Aquarius_Girl 47 secs ago

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IPS Comment Bot

10:23 AM

Hello Sk88 & Welcome to IPS!! I've tried to make a first edit of your question, to make it more into this site standards, so we can try to help you. However, after reading "edit the question", could you please try to adapt your question yourself? Try to focus on the main problem you want to share with him or what you would need to achieve your goal. It also would be great if we had a few more background about your BF & this girl relations & how they managed it. how was the last time she visited him from your perspective? Have you discussed about this with your BF? — ThZ 1 min ago

It seems that you're just suggesting OP to do so. However, there is no explanation why they must do so or why it would work for them. Can you please edit it to add some explanation? If you can back it up with personal experience or credible sources, that'd be great. — A J ♦ 23 secs ago

IPS Comment Bot

11:09 AM

It looks like she's mad because you didn't read her signs that she is interested in you. I would try to clarify this first and later to explain how this situation made you both feel. — SZCZERZO KŁY 1 min ago

#20327 SZCZERZO KŁY (1270 rep) | Q: How can I ask my flatmate why she's upset after I mentioned feeling like a third wheel? (score: 6) | posted 2 days ago by anonymous_random_guy (36 rep) | edited 2 days ago by Em C (9543 rep) | Toxicity 0.28023827 | tps/fps: 0/0

Hey there. This is valuable advice you're giving here, although, right now it looks like a "try this!" answer. It would be great if you could expand on why you think this approach would help OP make their friend understand they're uncomfortable with the way they're talking about women. Could you please edit your answer and try to explain the benefits of your approach? Thanks in advance :) — avazula 35 secs ago

IPS Comment Bot

12:07 PM

I agree with @DaveG : explain that you'd like to help him, but obviously you're kind of help doesn't work, that you don't know how to help him anymore, and encourage him to find help elsewhere. If he doesn't afterwards, that is his problem, this is not your responsibility. I'd also add stop vouching for him or recommending him to colleagues, because if he keeps bailing or behave unprofessionally this is going to reflect badly on you. — MlleMei 1 min ago

#20320 MlleMei (455 rep) | A: How to tell a friend I don't want to continue giving him advice? (score: 5) | posted 3 days ago by DaveG (4186 rep) | Toxicity 0.3174438 | tps/fps: 0/0

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IPS Comment Bot

12:58 PM

Are you saying that OP shouldn't talk to there spouse about all the little stuff that are going on in their life? Do you have some backup as to why this will work? Personal experience maybe? — Noon 1 min ago

Hi there. We expect contributions to focus on only one question, could you please choose the one that suits your issues best and remove the other from your post? If you feel that both needs to be addressed, please create another question for it. Have a great time on IPS! — avazula just now

#20355 avazula (7711 rep) | Q: How can I express to my boyfriend that I don't feel confortable with this situation without sounding like blackmailing him? (score: 7) | posted 4 hours ago by Sk88 (36 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by avazula (7711 rep) | Toxicity 0.06397791 | tps/fps: 0

As virtualxtc said, this doesn't really address the need for OP to feel heard. Could you edit to talk about that? — Noon 20 secs ago

IPS Comment Bot

1:23 PM

Don't you think the husband will ask "why are you frustrated"? What would you suggest OP to do then? — Noon 11 secs ago

You are asking 1. how to express this and to 2. receive something from your partner to help your feelings. Neither of those might be a confirmation from him that he won't go. If you're being honest, are you looking for advice in how to get him not to go, or will an answer that still allows him to go suffice? If you are ok with him going in some sense, are there any compromises you'd be ok with or want advice on? Such as, a 3rd party also going and staying/your partner staying somewhere else/only 1 night/something else? — Philbo 59 secs ago

#20355 Philbo (176 rep) | Q: How can I express to my boyfriend that I don't feel confortable with this situation without sounding like blackmailing him? (score: 7) | posted 5 hours ago by Sk88 (36 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by avazula (7711 rep) | Toxicity 0.046510324 | tps/fps: 0/

Hey, could you edit to add more details as to how OP could ask for this "consultant" in order for their spouse to understand what is needed of him? — Noon 1 min ago

IPS Comment Bot

1:54 PM

Hey, could you edit to tell us how to avoid doing "accidentally condescend when you agree on the sign"? Maybe add an example of phrasing? — Noon 1 min ago

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Noon

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IPS Comment Bot

2:35 PM

Hey, maybe you could provide some links in order to help the OP and show what sort of video you are talking about? — Noon 20 secs ago

Hey, could you tell us how the OP could actually introduce this idea to her husband? Any suggestion as to how this conversation should go in order to have the request taking seriously? — Noon 17 secs ago

Hey, do you have any suggestion as to how exactly this conversation should go? Remember that people here are bad at interpersonal skills which is why answers need to have details and not just broad suggestion. — Noon 1 min ago

IPS Comment Bot

3:34 PM

Hey, could you tell us how OP could go to start this conversation about " 'me always trying to solve the problem' problem"? — Noon 44 secs ago

While I get what you're saying and think that in many situations this would be the correct course - it's too late for that here. Everything the OP has done so far (intentionally or not) has re-enforced to their mother that it is a big deal. "Apology accepted" further emphasizes that the OP feels her mother has done something to apologize for. — motosubatsu 56 secs ago

#20362 motosubatsu (839 rep) | A: How to reassure my mother about the fact that forgetting my birthday does not mean I'm mad at her? (score: 2) | posted 57 minutes ago by Tinkeringbell (21157 rep) | edited 35 minutes ago by Tinkeringbell (21157 rep) | Toxicity 0.28403863 | tps/

What is your goal in this situation? We can't really advise you about what to do, only about how to best accomplish what you're hoping to make happen. — Erik 1 min ago

#20364 Erik (6510 rep) | Q: Rude Teen at Family Gatherings (score: 0) | posted 5 minutes ago by thatgirlwhodraws (81 rep) | Toxicity 0.06783215 | tps/fps: 0/0

I do not wish to parent this child: she has parents. I guess that a simple 'thank you' would be nice: if that is not possible, at the very least "if you can't find anything nice to say, then say nothing at all" kind of response. She is vocal about her displeasure at being required to attend. — thatgirlwhodraws 1 min ago

In the light of what OP said, do you have more suggestion as to what OP should do? Because, without it, this is not an answer and might be deleted — Noon 51 secs ago

This is a tricky situation for sure, because I understand that you do not want to alienate yourself from others if you are mean, but at the same time you want to inform the teen girl that she needs to behave a little better. Can you expand on the father and stepmother not saying anything to her? Has anyone else said anything to her? — ElizB 36 secs ago

Hey, could you add what you told to OP in your last comment into your answer? — Noon 1 min ago

#3578 Noon (4258 rep) | A: How to get spouse to empathetically listen to problems instead of (or at least before!) offering solutions? (score: 162) | posted 466 days ago by Salvador Ruiz Guevara (2061 rep) | edited 465 days ago by Salvador Ruiz Guevara (2061 rep) | Toxicity 0.057693273 |

Hey, OP said: "I have tried repeatedly to make my desire for him to listen instead of problem solve explicit at the beginning of the conversation, and he flat out refuses. I also have tried telling him the problem solving is making me feel worse, and that listening is what I need to feel better. He thinks it's absurd." -> So, do you have any other solution to try to fix this issue? — Noon 46 secs ago

Also, OP said: "I have tried repeatedly to make my desire for him to listen instead of problem solve explicit at the beginning of the conversation, and he flat out refuses. I also have tried telling him the problem solving is making me feel worse, and that listening is what I need to feel better. He thinks it's absurd." -> In the light of that, do you still feel your solution will work? Could you edit to tell us why? — Noon 2 mins ago

This child's parents are very involved, conscientious people where their children are concerned. I have seen them correct their other children when they have misbehaved. The issue was handled, with no further incidents occurring during the remainder of the visit. — thatgirlwhodraws 32 secs ago

How was it handled? I'm not sure I understand, is it that the parents are very involved in the younger children but not the teen? — ElizB 12 secs ago

Also, OP said: "I have tried repeatedly to make my desire for him to listen instead of problem solve explicit at the beginning of the conversation, and he flat out refuses. I also have tried telling him the problem solving is making me feel worse, and that listening is what I need to feel better. He thinks it's absurd." -> So, could you take this into consideration when you will edit? — Noon 1 min ago

They are a blended family. The oldest belongs to the mother from a previous relationship. The next two are daughters of the dad from his first marriage (the child in question is the eldest child of the dad), next are a girl and boy belonging to this marriage. — thatgirlwhodraws 43 secs ago

Also, this was already suggested multiple time, what does your answer provide that others didn't? — Noon 59 secs ago

Also, how could the OP make there husband agreeing on that knowing that OP said: "I have tried repeatedly to make my desire for him to listen instead of problem solve explicit at the beginning of the conversation, and he flat out refuses. I also have tried telling him the problem solving is making me feel worse, and that listening is what I need to feel better. He thinks it's absurd."? — Noon 15 secs ago

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Also, please keep in mind that OP said: "I have tried repeatedly to make my desire for him to listen instead of problem solve explicit at the beginning of the conversation, and he flat out refuses. I also have tried telling him the problem solving is making me feel worse, and that listening is what I need to feel better. He thinks it's absurd." — Noon 32 secs ago

The parents will give a warning or two and then a time-out. If it even gets to the point of a time-out... They just handle the situation. This girl however, just marches around in a huff & is indiscriminately rude to everyone present. It is a strange situation. — thatgirlwhodraws 7 secs ago

Why is this important to you? I don't see any problem here. — only_pro 1 min ago

I feel like there's a wide variety of answers possible about how to handle this, ranging from not doing anything at all to being very rude towards the girl, and I'm not sure which would work best in the situation. I am available to chat about this in the IPS chatroom if you would like. As it stands, the question itself does not seem to have enough details to give a narrow range of specific answers. If you chat with us and the moderators here, we can find how to help you. — ElizB 1 min ago

IPS Comment Bot

4:51 PM

The ugly reality is there may be no "fix," because such a fix implies a different question - "How do I make someone else...." which we nearly all realize is an all-but impossible task. You can't "make" someone else do anything. — David W 46 secs ago

IPS Meta Comments

I have the same problem with this post — Noon 1 min ago

#3446 Noon (4258 rep) | Q: "Show 1 more comment" shows no comment (score: 1) | posted 2 minutes ago by doppelgreener (254 rep) | Toxicity 0.07361224 | tps/fps: 0/0

Hmm I saw it too, after I deleted some comments there. I just dismissed it as caching, but apparently not! It's still there, for me too, even on another device. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

#3446 Tinkeringbell (21167 rep) | Q: "Show 1 more comment" shows no comment (score: 3) | posted 6 minutes ago by doppelgreener (254 rep) | Toxicity 0.12848173 | tps/fps: 0/0

IPS Comment Bot

5:36 PM

Also @Noon, it's not true of all relationships, but bringing an active solution to the table can be more acceptable than trying to actually convince someone of your point. — Faceplanted 20 secs ago

@Noon not sure if it's worth an edit, because there's no one answer for everyone, but in general, discuss the issue as a way to communicate something, avoid any allusions to you ringing a metaphorical bell to make them behave. — Faceplanted 1 min ago

IPS Comment Bot

6:05 PM

> ignore this comment

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6:18 PM

I'm one of the downvoters. I strongly disagree that all positions need to be understood. Some are just bad. Just because other people agree doesn't make it more reasonable to hold the view that women are just sexual harassment lawsuits waiting to happen'. And if someone held that opinion about me, I would cut contact with them. That opinion means they don't see me as equally human as them. It is not something I'm willing be understanding about. — Johanna 2 mins ago

#20359 Johanna (1442 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: -2) | posted 4 hours ago by peufeu (13154 rep) | Toxicity 0.5064868 | tps/fps: 0/0

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I'm unsure how this answer's the OP's question about how to ask their friend to stop expressing particular views when they are around. Could you edit this to focus more on answering the OP's question? — sphennings 42 secs ago

#20359 sphennings (8014 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: -3) | posted 4 hours ago by peufeu (13152 rep) | Toxicity 0.09843593 | tps/fps: 0/0

IPS Comment Bot

7:01 PM

So I don't like the first half of this answer where peufeu talks about how much of a problem the #metoo movement is for companies, because honestly, I don't believe it. BUT the answer is correct in the second half that the only way, other than dropping this friend, to resolve this is to actually talk about it. Figure out why this friend is so vocal on these views. — DaveG 1 min ago

#20359 DaveG (4186 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: 0) | posted 5 hours ago by peufeu (13182 rep) | Toxicity 0.10157281 | tps/fps: 0/0

You're going to get heavily downvoted for this. This SE likes to recommend people plug their ears in touchy discussions rather than hit them head on with counters. — coinbird 1 min ago

#20359 coinbird (524 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: 0) | posted 5 hours ago by peufeu (13182 rep) | Toxicity 0.61240155 | tps/fps: 0/0

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Noon

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This doesn't appear to provide an answer to the question asked. If you need more information from OP in order to give an answer, please use comments to ask clarifying questions first. If you're trying to provide a "frame challenge", please check out this meta - you still need to explain why OP's solution won't work and provide an alternative, with backup and explanation. — Em C ♦ 10 secs ago

#20365 Em C (9542 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: -2) | posted 12 minutes ago by coinbird (520 rep) | Toxicity 0.0897237 | tps/fps: 0/0

In it's present form this question is likely to be closed, as "what should I do" questions are considered off-topic. However, there's definitely a good question in here. What's your goal out of this interaction? What's your intended course of action? Do you want to confront your friend and tell him you know he's cheating? Do you want to tell your other roommates and address it as a group? We can provide advice on a chosen course of action, but we can't pick one for you. — Lord Farquaad 19 secs ago

#20366 Lord Farquaad (2335 rep) | Q: My roommate cheats at jeopardy. How do I respond? (score: 0) | posted 12 minutes ago by Christian (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.15975474 | tps/fps: 0/0

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Hey, this looks like a "try this" answer right now, could you tell us with this technic will work? Do you have a similar experience where you successfully did this in the past? — Noon 55 secs ago

#20365 Noon (4256 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: -3) | posted 15 minutes ago by coinbird (518 rep) | Toxicity 0.19710891 | tps/fps: 0/0

I noticed that the answer had been downvoted, upvoted, and left a comment explaining why. That comment was insta-deleted. I often see "when downvoting, leave a comment". I believe in this instance, because the answer is bound to be unpopular. it's worth leaving a comment as to why I upvoted. To reiterate my earlier comment: I don't agree with the first half of the answer about the #metoo movement. The second half of the answer on trying to resolve this problem via discussion and listening is correct. — DaveG 1 min ago

#20359 DaveG (4186 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: -1) | posted 5 hours ago by peufeu (13180 rep) | Toxicity 0.13177633 | tps/fps: 0/0

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This answer seems to basically imply that the OP is wrong instead of answering his question. And it's not phrased as a frame challenge either, so it's a non-answer according to the rules. Hence the downvote. — Marianne013 1 min ago

#20359 Marianne013 (136 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: -1) | posted 5 hours ago by peufeu (13180 rep) | Toxicity 0.08934363 | tps/fps: 0/0

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@DaveG On this site the rules regarding comments are stricter than other sites. If comment isn't suggesting improvements to a post or requesting clarification it is likely to be deleted without warning. — sphennings 1 min ago

#20359 sphennings (8013 rep) | A: How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme? (score: -1) | posted 5 hours ago by peufeu (13180 rep) | Toxicity 0.11637087 | tps/fps: 0/0

Mithrandir

7:28 PM

!!/howmany ips

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I've scanned 40295 comments

Possible duplicate of What to do with a friend who cheats in games? — AsheraH 1 min ago

#20366 AsheraH (129 rep) | Q: My roommate cheats at jeopardy. How do I respond? (score: 0) | posted 32 minutes ago by Christian (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.12954885 | tps/fps: 0/0

Mithrandir

!!/howmany ips.meta

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IPS Comment Bot

8:47 PM

@Noon - thank you very much for bringing this to my attention. Have a happy holiday season. — JoeTaxpayer 25 secs ago

IPS Comment Bot

9:00 PM

I see that you are trying to present a frame challenge. Could you provide some explanation as to why this solution will help the OP? — Rainbacon 54 secs ago

IPS Comment Bot

9:30 PM

Because there is virtually zero chance that this poster is going to come up with the magic words that will make Susan do what he wants. There are no magic words. And getting a friend involved is still a waste of time...he doesn't care what she thinks, he cares what Clara thinks. — swbarnes2 45 secs ago

Noon

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This is the right advice. "You can't make people do what you want them to do" may be a truism, but it's exactly what OP needs to hear. I'm not sure what further explanation could be given, except "this is the way the world happens to work." — user37208 30 secs ago

Since Susan does not want conversation, she will not exert any effort to listen to you. Nor should she. And if she thought you were self-centered before, I doubt you are capable of saying anything to make her change her mind, because you are spilling a lot of words here, and they all paint you as self-centered. And no, the skepticism you are experiencing is hardly infinite. It is merely reasonable. — swbarnes2 18 secs ago

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IPS Comment Bot

11:13 PM

Sounds like you did something FAR worse by breaking her phone ... — only_pro 14 secs ago

#20369 only_pro (101 rep) | Q: Is it normal that an unknown person to take a selfie with you without asking? (score: 0) | posted 58 minutes ago by Adrian.G (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.1885057 | tps/fps: 0/0

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I do know it's strange and creepy, not to mention illegal, to take away someone's phone and break it. — Andrew 1 min ago

#20369 Andrew (6463 rep) | Q: Is it normal that an unknown person to take a selfie with you without asking? (score: 0) | posted 1 hours ago by Adrian.G (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.3543126 | tps/fps: 0/0

IPS Comment Bot

11:51 PM

Welcome to IPS! Please check out the tour and help center. Unfortunately, questions asking us to decide who is right and wrong in a situation are off-topic here. Instead, focus on the interpersonal skills aspect - what you want to improve in your response. In this case, maybe you could edit to focus on "how can I ask a stranger to stop taking selfies with me?" (For comparison, we have a similar question, except in that one it was a friend taking the selfies.) — Em C ♦ 1 min ago

#20369 Em C (9541 rep) | Q: Is it normal that an unknown person to take a selfie with you without asking? (score: 0) | posted 1 hours ago by Adrian.G (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.1313604 | tps/fps: 0/0

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