The Closet

3:30 AM

@thesecretmaster well now it seems broken :P

9 hours later…

12:01 PM

Uh oh...

This is why I also have my own bot, for cases like this :p

Although I now have a 18-hour gap in my comment records.

in Beep Boop Maggot, 3 hours ago, by Locutus of Borg

[ GetAllTehCommentz ] started

I would copy the quoted text and send it in an email. Anne doesn't seem like the kind of person that would let you finish your thoughts. Great mature answer. — LVDV 44 secs ago

#9274 LVDV (342 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 19) | posted 17 hours ago by Jess K. (6389 rep)

While I think that this is her problem and not yours, could you buy a cheap timer plug and use that, just for the sake of a quite life? — Mawg 1 min ago

#9255 Mawg (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 41) | posted 20 hours ago by Cashbee (1323 rep) | edited 15 hours ago by Cashbee (1323 rep)

@Spagirl that's why I said to deliver the message the way I did. That way you won't get into accusing people. Also that — Pieter B 2 mins ago

#9303 Pieter B (280 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 2) | posted 3 hours ago by Pieter B (280 rep) | edited 36 minutes ago by Pieter B (280 rep)

@Mithrandir Fixed

12:16 PM

muchas gracias

Is the 24/7 comment record important? If it really is, I can run the script on two different machines in two different rooms, for redundancy.

No, don't worry about it.

But thanks for the offer. I just use it to find deleted comments, have a convenient way to simulate a user's comment history, etc. I'm essentially the only one who uses it, so don't worry 'bout it ;)

And I'll try to figure out how to run my own version of the ips-comment-bot soon, so I can have a backup instance myself :P

@user24582: Great point! — David Foerster 8 secs ago

#9248 David Foerster (111 rep) | A: How to deal with a suite mate who gossips about me within the first few days of move-in (score: 1) | posted 25 hours ago by David Foerster (111 rep)

Also, for a permement record, I could make the bot save comments to a json file or something, to make it more parsable.

12:39 PM

@bluevapor "Cool, have a good time", if he simply says thanks, you're probably not invited. — Yousend 17 secs ago

#9119 Yousend (111 rep) | A: How do I ask if I'm invited to a party? (score: 12) | posted 5 days ago by Secespitus (747 rep)

I don't think you need to worry about that. There is a distinction between 'belief' and 'trust', I am sure they believe your feedback because you are the one judging them, so of course you know what you will report them for. IMO that is not 'trust'. As a manager myself, I do not assume my workers trust me, but I do want them to believe me, so I don't lie to them. — Amadeus 1 min ago

#9272 Amadeus (3981 rep) | A: How to tell a co-worker that I feel sorry for something I did (score: 7) | posted 18 hours ago by Amadeus (3981 rep)

1:01 PM

You can also ask, "Does the house allow visitors?" As the answer is likely yes, you can point it out it is not just about trusting housemates but also any random guests the housemates may have. — Tim 1 min ago

#9297 Tim (694 rep) | Q: When looking for shared living accommodation, how to ask if room can be locked? (score: 2) | posted 8 hours ago by bluevapor (48 rep)

1:22 PM

Given the strength of the comments and people's opinion about the supposed zealotry in this, I've expanded my answer a little. Thanks for the feedback! — Danikov just now

#9273 Danikov (161 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 0) | posted 19 hours ago by Danikov (161 rep) | edited 43 seconds ago by Danikov (161 rep)

I'm informed that we should -1 for answers we don't agree with, so... -1 — Danikov 1 min ago

#9264 Danikov (159 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 85) | posted 21 hours ago by Randolph Carter (499 rep)

@PatrickTrentin I appreciate you don't agree, but can you elaborate on what is /wrong/ with my answer so as to be not useful? Questions like this have no concrete single "right" answer and should generate a selection of good quality options for the asker to choose from. Downvoting answers you don't agree with does not promote that and isn't what the voting is meant for. — Danikov 50 secs ago

#9273 Danikov (159 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 0) | posted 19 hours ago by Danikov (159 rep) | edited 10 minutes ago by Danikov (159 rep)

Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer, which are not considered to conform to our quality standards on Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange. — Arwen Undómiel 38 secs ago

#9256 Arwen Undómiel (978 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: -1) | posted 22 hours ago by Daarin (25 rep)

@Danikov It's not like I simply disagree with you, I downvoted this answer because I think following this advice can be downright harmful in the long term. We can take this discussion in the chat if you feel like it's worth it. — Patrick Trentin 1 min ago

#9273 Patrick Trentin (324 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 0) | posted 19 hours ago by Danikov (159 rep) | edited 22 minutes ago by Danikov (159 rep)

No, my goals are (paraphrasing) Anne should stop messing with my workstation. I do not think our bosses should be involved, nor do I want a big discussion about it, and Anne not reciprocating with passive-aggressive notes or angry comments each time I forget my monitor in the evening. — Jeutnarg 1 min ago

#9275 Jeutnarg (111 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 1) | posted 19 hours ago by Jeutnarg (111 rep)

I would tell her to buy socket timers to automatically shut off electricity if it means that much to her. I would also send an email to the team saying that you wasted time due to the fact that someone unplugged your monitor and ask that if necessary turn off your monitor but do not unplug it. I would throw out post it notes without letting it bother me. — Joe 53 secs ago

#9255 Joe (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 44) | posted 22 hours ago by Cashbee (1343 rep) | edited 17 hours ago by Cashbee (1343 rep)

@EnglishStudent, oh wow, thanks! I am glad it was useful to you :) — Dzyann 56 secs ago

#8141 Dzyann (211 rep) | A: How do I constructively address my co-worker's accusation that I don't see her as a "real person?" (score: 3) | posted 34 days ago by Dzyann (211 rep)

Next time keep a prepared bottle of water ready for him. Prepared with a hefty dose of salt dissolved in the water. That cured my colleague from the same habit. And it was pretty hilarious too. — Tonny 35 secs ago

#9202 Tonny (101 rep) | Q: How to tell a colleague to not drink water from my bottle (score: 41) | posted 54 hours ago by Peaceful (740 rep) | edited 27 hours ago by Tycho's Nose (4986 rep)

@cashbee - thanks! I hope the situation works out well for you! — AndreiROM 49 secs ago

#9258 AndreiROM (6312 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 56) | posted 22 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

This solution was posted earlier by another user and deleted for not being a "lifehack" answer, not an "interpersonal skill" answer, see this meta post for more info. — Em C 31 secs ago

#9284 Em C (4800 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 0) | posted 15 hours ago by Russell Hankins (109 rep)

OP's goals: "No escalation (I do not think our bosses should be involved, nor do I want a big discussion/argument about it)" — Em C 34 secs ago

#9303 Em C (4799 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 3) | posted 5 hours ago by Pieter B (298 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by Pieter B (298 rep)

Most medical professionals understand that people, in general, don't like doctor visits. So they seek to establish a good "bedside manner". This might include reassuring touches during the exam or conversation. — Sam Axe 50 secs ago

#9216 Sam Axe (101 rep) | Q: Avoiding unnecessary touches from doctors (score: 22) | posted 46 hours ago by GlinesMome (466 rep) | edited 25 hours ago by Community (1 rep)

As an aside, Canada has recently made it not an admission of guilt for someone to say 'sorry' after a car accident. — KevinDTimm 1 min ago

#9270 KevinDTimm (101 rep) | A: How to tell a co-worker that I feel sorry for something I did (score: 20) | posted 20 hours ago by Jess K. (6389 rep)

OP says they find it "quite honorable" that Anne wants to help the environment - why lie? What if OP does want children, or cares about the environment regardless of whether or not they want kids, or Anne takes this as an opportunity to evangelize to OP about how selfish/bad/etc. that is? — Em C 1 min ago

#9287 Em C (4799 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: -1) | posted 14 hours ago by d-b (226 rep)

@Amadeus And then they respond with "Well, if you think we're so untrustworthy, feel free to live somewhere else"... — Em C 1 min ago

#9297 Em C (4798 rep) | Q: When looking for shared living accommodation, how to ask if room can be locked? (score: 3) | posted 9 hours ago by bluevapor (53 rep)

If it is critical to you that the door has a lock (as it would be for me) then why would it be a problem if someone who didn't provide lockable rooms was offended at the question and went with someone else? That said, when I was in that situation I also had the (true) reason that my Contents Insurance only covered my stuff if the room was lockable, which meant i could present it as a technicality rather than 'mere' preference or distrust.. — Spagirl 1 min ago

#9297 Spagirl (1922 rep) | Q: When looking for shared living accommodation, how to ask if room can be locked? (score: 3) | posted 9 hours ago by bluevapor (53 rep)

I mean, this will make everyone realize how insane Anne is if she starts demanding that OP cant turn on/off the lights at his own house as he pleases. — spacetyper 1 min ago

#9283 spacetyper (498 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: -1) | posted 15 hours ago by gnasher729 (814 rep) | edited 15 hours ago by gnasher729 (814 rep)

@PatrickTrentin Maybe appropriate to discuss that in another answer, but I still think that constitutes, well, vehement disagreement rather than being a low-quality answer of no use to anyone. It just seems that you seem to be most vocal of the disagreement = downvote voting brigade. — Danikov 1 min ago

#9273 Danikov (157 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: -1) | posted 20 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep)

@GlinesMome for what it's worth, some things doctors ask you to do are for non-medical but still sensible reasons. Like when the doctor asks you to turn your head and cough. Turning your head doesn't actually matter for the test; people just kept coughing directly on their doctors. Maybe people kept involuntarily kneeing their doctors when their noses were checked. — Lord Farquaad 7 secs ago

#9216 Lord Farquaad (590 rep) | Q: Avoiding unnecessary touches from doctors (score: 22) | posted 47 hours ago by GlinesMome (466 rep) | edited 26 hours ago by Community (1 rep)

Very useful, @Dzyann. I hope your this excellent answer gets the attention it deserves as a result of that contest. — English Student 1 min ago

#8141 English Student (6106 rep) | A: How do I constructively address my co-worker's accusation that I don't see her as a "real person?" (score: 3) | posted 34 days ago by Dzyann (211 rep)

Just to explain to a more general audience why voting down answers you don't agree with is bad, the point of voting down answers is to encourage high quality answers. This is why you're asked to comment if you vote down: give the answerer guidance on how to make their answer better. If the only guidance on how to improve the answer is "change it to agree with my viewpoint" then you're destroying the ability for any question to have multiple perspectives and points of view. By all means, share why you disagree, but don't translate into an automatic downvote. — Danikov 25 secs ago

Probably, you could lie that your water is a medicated one! — Java_User 35 secs ago

#9202 Java_User (101 rep) | Q: How to tell a colleague to not drink water from my bottle (score: 42) | posted 55 hours ago by Peaceful (745 rep) | edited 28 hours ago by Tycho's Nose (4986 rep)

3:14 PM

@Danikov i already stated that I didn't downvote due to disagreement but rather because I find your answer harmful in the long run. You're entitled of a different opinion, but that doesn't make me a member of said brigade just because you think so. I understand why on a less technical board than, let's say, stackoverflow, downvotes might appear to be more unfair than usual as things can be viewed from radically different perspectives. Yet, I don't think this answer can be made any better exactly because it goes in the wrong direction. — Patrick Trentin 27 secs ago

#9273 Patrick Trentin (324 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: -1) | posted 21 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep)

Multiple viewpoints are obviously welcome, but if you think that one should not downvote harmful advice, even when this might be opinionated, then perhaps this issue should be brought on meta. My top-rated answer on this board has attracted both upvotes and downvotes exactly because a piece of advice that might look innocent enough from one side can appear harmful on another side. It is not a simple matter of agreement or disagreement, as the quality of IPS answers is often tricky to determine and certainly not on an universal scale. — Patrick Trentin 21 secs ago

#9273 Patrick Trentin (324 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: -1) | posted 21 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep)

3:39 PM

+1 - I found your idea with the mouse trap quite funny. And when I first asked if it was her who unplugged my monitor and she said no, smiling, I said Hmmm, must have been a rat or something. I'll have to deal with it. in that exact wording. She actually chuckled a bit and 'confessed' that it was indeed her. If she wouldn't have confessed I would have bought one or two mousetraps to put on my desk just for the lulz. — Cashbee 1 min ago

#9275 Cashbee (1373 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 1) | posted 20 hours ago by Jeutnarg (111 rep)

@EMC This is similar to asking "How can I store and query large amounts of data (PS: I don't want to use a database)". The answer is still "use a database". Just because the OP wants a solution that doesn't involve escalation, doesn't mean it isn't the best solution. Other people who come here in future should still be suggested the solution, regardless of what the OP thinks. — Bilkokuya 1 min ago

#9303 Bilkokuya (101 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 5) | posted 7 hours ago by Pieter B (318 rep) | edited 4 hours ago by Pieter B (318 rep)

Also insist Anne to stop using post-it notes because trees need to be saved from deforestation. — Gowtham 1 min ago

#9255 Gowtham (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 50) | posted 24 hours ago by Cashbee (1373 rep) | edited 19 hours ago by Cashbee (1373 rep)

It sounds like the OP should apologize and beg for lighter punishments in the future... — 9ilsdx 9rvj 0lo 1 min ago

#9274 9ilsdx 9rvj 0lo (131 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 23) | posted 21 hours ago by Jess K. (6389 rep)

@9ilsdx9rvj0lo I don't think Anne is completely off her rocker and unable to have a conversation, but I don't think coming at her aggressively like she will do as OP says is going to get anywhere with her. OP has already put himself in a position where he's acknowledged Anne's requests, apologized for not complying in the past, and then continued to not take steps to comply. Turning off a monitor is really simple and takes 1 second. The effort to comply with this unreasonable person is so minimal that it isn't worth having a conflict. — Jess K. 56 secs ago

#9274 Jess K. (6389 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 24) | posted 21 hours ago by Jess K. (6389 rep)

If someone was to "Quality Check" you... what could you have done differently? Would you get a written warning if you talked to her and didn't email? — WernerCD 1 min ago

#9267 WernerCD (199 rep) | Q: How to tell a co-worker that I feel sorry for something I did (score: 16) | posted 23 hours ago by Whistling_saint (81 rep) | edited 3 hours ago by Tycho's Nose (4986 rep)

"I have bought you your own bottle"... — Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen 1 min ago

#9202 Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen (155 rep) | Q: How to tell a colleague to not drink water from my bottle (score: 42) | posted 56 hours ago by Peaceful (745 rep) | edited 29 hours ago by Tycho's Nose (4986 rep)

I like this answer because (1) it turns the tables: it recruits 'Anne' to help the office meet her standards, instead of Anne attempting to recruit everyone else; (2) it adds the consideration that this is a conflict with the real risk of spilling over into coworker relations; (3) it makes clear what you consider acceptable (turn off my monitor) and what you don't (unplug things). — JvR 1 min ago

#9274 JvR (101 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 24) | posted 21 hours ago by Jess K. (6389 rep)

@Bilkokuya See: To what extent do we respect the OP's request?. If your answer says "your idea is totally wrong", you need to provide a compelling argument detailing the reasons why OP should abandon their goal. As is, you don't explain why OP needs to bring in the manager even though they don't want to. — Em C 48 secs ago

#9303 Em C (4798 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 5) | posted 7 hours ago by Pieter B (318 rep) | edited 4 hours ago by Pieter B (318 rep)

Joey doesn't share drinks ! — everyone just now

#9202 everyone (191 rep) | Q: How to tell a colleague to not drink water from my bottle (score: 42) | posted 56 hours ago by Peaceful (745 rep) | edited 29 hours ago by Tycho's Nose (4986 rep)

@PatrickTrentin Then, please, explain how my answer can be less harmful, otherwise what is the point of the comment and this whole train of thought at all? — Danikov 1 min ago

#9273 Danikov (157 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: -1) | posted 22 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by Danikov (157 rep)

@D.Hutchinson Possibly if you think this answer doesn't pick up the correct nuance from your question, you could clarify your question. Why is it that you feel waiters would be seeking to establish deeper and more meaningful communication with you, in this place, than in other types of restaurant? Do you see them establishing such communication with other diners? Do you feel singled out? Because unless that is the case, apaul's interpretation is utterly reasonable. — Spagirl 42 secs ago

#9289 Spagirl (1922 rep) | A: How do I communicate with someone who addresses me in a more meaningful way than I'm comfortable with? (score: 6) | posted 15 hours ago by apaul (25513 rep) | edited 15 hours ago by apaul (25513 rep)

@Spagirl interpersonal.stackexchange.com/posts/9286/revisions — apaul 8 secs ago

#9289 apaul (25513 rep) | A: How do I communicate with someone who addresses me in a more meaningful way than I'm comfortable with? (score: 6) | posted 15 hours ago by apaul (25513 rep) | edited 15 hours ago by apaul (25513 rep)

I don't get how you wife being home makes a difference. — Paparazzi 1 min ago

#9309 Paparazzi (592 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 5 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

Because if someone needs to stay with the kids while they play, or go get them, she can? — MrDuk 51 secs ago

#9309 MrDuk (101 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 6 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 2 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

@Robzor - I'm not. I've already discussed it with my wife; she's just as uncomfortable with it as I am. — MrDuk just now

#9309 MrDuk (101 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 9 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 5 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

I'm not sure why you would prefer to deal with Jane over discussing this with your wife. Have you asked your wife how she feels about the entire ordeal and if she has any good suggestions on possible solutions? — Robzor 1 min ago

#9309 Robzor (1676 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 9 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 5 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

The hyperbolic reaction to situations like this is why situations like this exist in the first place. It's ironic to see IPS be the cause of IPS issues. -1 to this answer because it causes problems, harm, extrapolates massively from a single incident to demonise someone you know nothing about, and ultimately requires radical work to be salvaged, but have fun with nasty being popular. — Danikov 1 min ago

#9264 Danikov (119 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 87) | posted 24 hours ago by Randolph Carter (501 rep)

Do you normally feel uncomfortable socializing with women who aren't your wife? Is there a cultural reason that it would be inappropriate for you to be in her home within your wife? — apaul 11 secs ago

#9309 apaul (25513 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 15 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 11 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

You keep adding details in the comments. Update your question, please. — AndreiROM 43 secs ago

#9309 AndreiROM (6312 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 16 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 12 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

@apaul I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what point you are making. — Spagirl 31 secs ago

@Spagirl the earlier/original question seemed to suggest that it was at least partially a worry that they would attempt to convert him if he responded in kind. — apaul 47 secs ago

Why do you and/or your wife feel uncomfortable about this? If she's nice and you haven't noticed any motives from her why are you so worried? Are you worried about being falsely accused of harassment or something? — Tycho's Nose 5 secs ago

#9309 Tycho's Nose (4986 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 23 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 19 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

I'm just as confused. Unless the OP is attracted to her and wants to avoid being around her out of respect for his wife. That's understandable. — Tycho's Nose 20 secs ago

#9310 Tycho's Nose (4986 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 1) | posted 16 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@AndreiROM -- Pretty sure that's exactly the point of comments, to address questions and add nuanced detail where necessary. — MrDuk 1 min ago

#9309 MrDuk (101 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 33 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 29 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

@apaul - No, there's no cultural reason; it's a boundary I have for myself. I feel fine socializing with other women, it's socializing in private that I'm not fine with. — MrDuk 54 secs ago

#9309 MrDuk (101 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 34 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 30 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

Apologies, I only mentioned she's a single mother to make it clear that there are no other men in the home - not meant to be derogatory or suggestive in any way. — MrDuk just now

#9311 MrDuk (101 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 3) | posted 15 minutes ago by Kate Gregory (12152 rep)

@apaul Ah, I see. Point taken. Though it seems more likely that one might be evangelized by one's peers rather than wait staff. — Spagirl 1 min ago

That's the gist of it @Tycho'sNose -- it's not that I'm attracted to her, but she's near enough in age to make my wife uncomfortable with the idea of me being alone in her house. — MrDuk 1 min ago

#9310 MrDuk (101 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 1) | posted 23 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@MrDuk Got you. Thanks for your comment :) — Tycho's Nose 48 secs ago

#9310 Tycho's Nose (4986 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 1) | posted 26 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

Apologies, I only mentioned she's a single mother to make it clear that there are no other men in the home - not meant to be derogatory or suggestive in any way. — MrDuk 1 min ago

#9310 MrDuk (101 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 1) | posted 31 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

If you have to say something, I'd use this approach. However, I'd personally just advise to not say anything. As the last paragraph here says, Jane is likely to feel a little offended. Saying anything about "not wanting to be alone" with her is likely to imply that you're assuming she wants you in that way now, or will in the future should you both spend time along together. — Jess K. 1 min ago

#9311 Jess K. (6389 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 4) | posted 27 minutes ago by Kate Gregory (12162 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by Kate Gregory (

I would make deliberate efforts to leave my monitors on every single night and ignore every plea made by her to stop it. I would plug back in any monitors the next day and throw away any notes. Eventually, after she grew tired of the frustration of being dismissed she would move on to bothering some other employee about silly nonsense and you would be free to do as you please. — MUlferts 23 secs ago

#9255 MUlferts (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 51) | posted 26 hours ago by Cashbee (1378 rep) | edited 20 hours ago by Cashbee (1378 rep)

This just gets more confusing to me. So I finally get you don't want to be in the house with her (kids of not). Why do you need to be outside? Can you not just knock on the door when it is time to come home? Do you not trust her with the children? If your wife is home does she go to the house? — Paparazzi 1 min ago

#9309 Paparazzi (592 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 0) | posted 55 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep) | edited 11 minutes ago by MrDuk (101 rep)

No, I don't know her well enough to leave my kids alone in her house for an extended time. Regardless, my question isn't how should I feel about this it's how can I express the way I feel politely. — MrDuk 1 min ago

#9309 MrDuk (106 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 1) | posted 1 hours ago by MrDuk (106 rep) | edited 16 minutes ago by MrDuk (106 rep)

Thanks for your answer - it's ok if she thinks I'm strange; I'm not trying to impress her with my super social skills anyhow; unintentionally offending her though, when she's done nothing wrong is exactly what I want to avoid. — MrDuk 28 secs ago

#9311 MrDuk (106 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 4) | posted 41 minutes ago by Kate Gregory (12162 rep) | edited 15 minutes ago by Kate Gregory (12

This makes sense, thank you. The whole reason I asked on here was because (as evident already) I know there are few ways to explain this without coming across as accusatory. I couldn't even ask the question without coming across as accusatory to most :) — MrDuk just now

#9312 MrDuk (106 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbor that I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play in her house when my wife isn't home? (score: 3) | posted 10 minutes ago by Jess K. (6389 rep)

5:45 PM

@MrDuk - Yes, the purpose of comments is to codify/clarify the question. However, rather than adding the details in comments that can disappear at any time, it is preferable to add them into the original question. This also helps future visitors get all the information. — JohnP 2 mins ago

#9309 JohnP (3157 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 0) | posted 1 hours ago by MrDuk (104 rep) | edited 3 minutes ago by Stacey (3571 rep)

@MrDuk What is the region? In the middle east, it might be considered even illegal to be in a (non-office-related) room alone with another man's wife. — NVZ 43 secs ago

#9310 NVZ (8310 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 2) | posted 1 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@JohnP - Question is updated -- will start deleting the noise in the comments about this, thanks! — MrDuk 6 secs ago

#9309 MrDuk (114 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 2) | posted 1 hours ago by MrDuk (114 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by MrDuk (114 rep)

@MrDuk What is the region? In the middle east, it might be considered even illegal to be in a (non-office-related) room alone with another man's wife. — NVZ 38 secs ago

#9309 NVZ (8310 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 2) | posted 1 hours ago by MrDuk (114 rep) | edited 1 minutes ago by MrDuk (114 rep)

To clarify, you are the one who wants little to nothing to do with her, and she doesn't necessarily feel the same way? Also, does she know this is how you feel or that you've been blocking her messages? — Kendra 1 min ago

#9313 Kendra (1474 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 15 minutes ago by Em C (4804 rep)

@EmC you can leave out the little memo to your boss. It's just a little CYA for when she decides to ignore your command and decides to escalate things. Be very clear here; it's perfectly normal to tell people to not touch your stuff, that's in no way escalating thing. By doing it like this, she is the escalating party, not the OP. It's stupid it even got so far that you need to tell someone to not touch your stuff. She escalated already, and if she escalates further you may need to bring in outside backup (your manager). — Pieter B 1 min ago

#9303 Pieter B (318 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 5) | posted 9 hours ago by Pieter B (318 rep) | edited 6 hours ago by Pieter B (318 rep)

@Kendra I have not told her I've blocked her. (I get the texts, but they're immediately archived so I don't see them unless I want to check.) Since the last time we "talked", she's only texted me "happy [holiday]" and I haven't responded. In that last conversation she said took three weeks to respond to me because she had better things to do, so.. — Em C 28 secs ago

#9313 Em C (4804 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 21 minutes ago by Em C (4804 rep)

The only problem I see with this solution is the parents. If they're all meeting at the parents' house and the OP doesn't bring a gift for this sibling but does for everyone else, I'm sure the parents will have something to say about this... — Kendra 1 min ago

#9314 Kendra (1474 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 5 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

To put it briefly, I feel that she only wants anything to do with me for appearance's sake, not because she genuinely cares about me. Her behavior over events in the past 2+ years has been consistent with that hypothesis. — Em C 1 min ago

#9313 Em C (4804 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 29 minutes ago by Em C (4804 rep)

Thanks for the answer - this does seem the obvious solution, but as Kendra suggested, I'm concerned about my parents. We're kind of at a "don't ask, don't tell" standoff regarding my sister. I felt pressured to take the gift to avoid "making a scene", and to bring a gift for her because I would be giving things to everyone else in the room. Though in hindsight I wish I hadn't left it, and taken it back with me - she probably got a mixed signal there. — Em C 24 secs ago

#9314 Em C (4804 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 9 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@emc - mixed signals is exactly the problem. Either silently accept her own gifts and donate them, or stop giving her a reason to buy you anything. — AndreiROM 32 secs ago

#9314 AndreiROM (6312 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 16 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@NVZ - according to the OP's profile, they are located in the United States. — Arwen Undómiel 1 min ago

#9309 Arwen Undómiel (979 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 4) | posted 1 hours ago by MrDuk (124 rep) | edited 24 seconds ago by MrDuk (124 rep)

Don’t write answers in comments. It bypasses our quality measures by not having voting (both up and down) available on comments, as well as having other problems detailed on meta. Comments are for clarifying and improving the question; please don’t use them for other purposes. Several comment answers have already been deleted, please don't add to them. — Catija ♦ 23 secs ago

#9202 Catija (8621 rep) | Q: How to tell a colleague to not drink water from my bottle (score: 42) | posted 58 hours ago by Peaceful (748 rep) | edited 31 hours ago by Tycho's Nose (4986 rep)

Do you and your wife trust each other? — Pyritie 1 min ago

#9309 Pyritie (254 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 4) | posted 1 hours ago by MrDuk (124 rep) | edited 5 minutes ago by MrDuk (124 rep)

Agreed. Politely declining does not mean you owe an explanation. But a warm(-ish) "Thank you" and a smile is a sign of encouragement. Someday, you might find a good situation and reason to go. If you are asked for details you do not want to provide, smile enigmatically and say nothing. If that does not stop the questioning, turn away and reconsider if this is a person you want to be around; if yes, then turn back. — Lurker Larry 1 min ago

#9237 Lurker Larry (121 rep) | A: How to respond when someone that doesn't know my age invites me to something I can't do (score: 11) | posted 36 hours ago by Ash (281 rep)

@ArwenUndómiel Thanks. That I saw, but being in America and being an American can have a lot of difference. I wish OP made it clear in the question. — NVZ 1 min ago

#9309 NVZ (8310 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 5) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (129 rep) | edited 11 minutes ago by MrDuk (129 rep)

So judging from other comments, your main problem are your parents' feelings? What would be the dream scenario - you and her together with your parents etc. and not having gifts for each other without your parents worried about it? — Anne Daunted 1 min ago

#9313 Anne Daunted (7908 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 54 minutes ago by Em C (4804 rep) | edited 16 minutes ago by Anne Daunted (7908 rep)

I understand you don't want advice on how you should feel, but it is kind of a deep issue. Sometimes awkward advances by others are going to happen, so trying to avoid them is a bit much. Many women, even married, get hit on by complete strangers all the time, so they must adapt to deal with the situation instead of never going outside. After all, your decision does deny your kids the opportunity to play with their friends. Nothing wrong with that inherently, but you might want to consider it, because your kids surely will not understand your reasoning, even if Jane does. — Clay07g 1 min ago

#9309 Clay07g (801 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 5) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (129 rep) | edited 14 minutes ago by MrDuk (129 rep)

@AndreiROM fyi adding those details to the question leaves your answer just as useless. Adding the details to the question is definitely good practice but I fail to see what the condition of your answer has to do with it? — RyanfaeScotland 2 mins ago

#9309 RyanfaeScotland (221 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 5) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (129 rep) | edited 14 minutes ago by MrDuk (129 rep)

Did you talk about it to your wife already? — Anne Daunted 39 secs ago

#9309 Anne Daunted (7908 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 5) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (129 rep) | edited 17 minutes ago by MrDuk (129 rep)

@AnneDaunted Lol the dream scenario is that I interact with my family without seeing or hearing about her, but that's not going to happen. Yes, I think what you describe is the more realistic dream. — Em C 1 min ago

#9313 Em C (4804 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 1 hours ago by Em C (4804 rep) | edited 22 minutes ago by Anne Daunted (7908 rep)

@Clay07g - Yes it's a deep / personal boundary I have for myself and as such, an issue that I'm not looking to the internet for advice on. My kids don't need to understand - they're (very young) kids, I'm dad. I make decisions all the time based on rationale they don't understand yet (they can stay outside and play all they want anyway). — MrDuk 1 min ago

#9309 MrDuk (129 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 5) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (129 rep) | edited 20 minutes ago by MrDuk (129 rep)

Is there a reason you don't just want to keep being "too busy" to come over? But when your wife gets home she might have the time? — stannius just now

#9309 stannius (101 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 6) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (133 rep) | edited 23 minutes ago by MrDuk (133 rep)

In this case, making it clear to your sister may not be of that much help (after all, you already strongly suspects that she does it for appearance's sake only). You should rather explain it to your parents, don't you think? — Anne Daunted 1 min ago

#9313 Anne Daunted (7908 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 1 hours ago by Em C (4804 rep) | edited 25 minutes ago by Anne Daunted (7908 rep)

@stannius - This usually happens when our kids are already outside playing together on the sidewalk or something. So I've unfortunately already given myself away as not being too busy :) — MrDuk 1 min ago

#9309 MrDuk (138 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 7) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (138 rep) | edited 26 minutes ago by MrDuk (138 rep)

Thanks so much for the update. I hope she can get things straightened out with HR -- sounds like a bit of a mess. — aparente001 13 secs ago

#9267 aparente001 (865 rep) | Q: How to tell a co-worker that I feel sorry for something I did (score: 18) | posted 26 hours ago by Whistling_saint (91 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by Whistling_saint (91 rep)

The fact that you feel the need to have a chaperone (either your wife or a man on her end and specifically a man) is inherently derogatory for all parties involved. It means you don't trust your neighbor (who has done nothing to warrant such distrust), and both you and your wife don't trust you. The nature of this beast means that if you don't want to offend your neighbor, very likely something else is going to have to give. — Shauna 58 secs ago

#9310 Shauna (101 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 5) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6310 rep)

Is it common in your geographic area for men and women to avoid being alone together? How surprised do you estimate Jane will be by your stance? — stannius 23 secs ago

#9309 stannius (101 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 7) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (138 rep) | edited 29 minutes ago by MrDuk (138 rep)

Hm I thought I was clear on the birthday gift at least, I hadn't gotten her anything for her birthday a couple months earlier. But I do see your point and will definitely be avoiding doing that in the future. — Em C 48 secs ago

#9314 Em C (4804 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 2) | posted 54 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep) | edited 36 minutes ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

I think the OP has clarified enough, don't you think? @stannius. — Tycho's Nose 59 secs ago

#9309 Tycho's Nose (4986 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 7) | posted 2 hours ago by MrDuk (138 rep) | edited 2 minutes ago by MrDuk (138 rep)

@AnneDaunted Well, they're not involved with her deciding to give me things, so I guess I'd like to at least try to stop the root of the problem before I bring them into it.. those conversations never go well. — Em C 1 min ago

#9313 Em C (4804 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 1 hours ago by Em C (4804 rep) | edited 36 minutes ago by Anne Daunted (7908 rep)

7:03 PM

@MrDuk It's a fine question. Some people just take a while to get the bigger picture. — NVZ 37 secs ago

#9312 NVZ (8310 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 16) | posted 1 hours ago by Jess K. (6389 rep)

Just wondering... Roughly how much effort would it be to set up a meta-Smelly, @thesecretmaster?

Define "meta-Smelly"

Auto-restarting? I can try, I don't know enough to know how hard it'd be.

I mean a Smelly for IPS meta :P

@Shauna People have their own reasons to not want to be alone with a neighbour of opp/sex. In the Muslim community, it is part of the religion. In Indian culture(s), it has traditionally been that way regardless of religion - men simply do not enter another house when the man of the house is away, unless they bring their wife along. — NVZ 1 min ago

#9310 NVZ (8310 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 7) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@Mithrandir Oh, that's easy.

s/interpersonalskills/meta.interpersonalskills

7:13 PM

@NVZ Had this been a religious or cultural tradition thing, it would have come up by now, or the question wouldn't have been asked to begin with, as the conversation would be as straightforward as "in my religion/culture, we don't do this." — Shauna 1 min ago

#9310 Shauna (101 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 7) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@thesecretmaster the hard part would be potentially getting a second bot for easy differentiation

I'd just have to make a second account. As long as I don't circumvent any restrictions, that's fine.

I've got a couple minutes, I can do it now, if you'd like.

Oh sure, but there's that pesky reputation limit for chatting.

But since I own the room (and using mod powers) I can give the bot write access.

This is not an answer. On the Stack Exchange network, we don't do "threads" like other sites do. We do Questions and Answers. Please do not post things like this in answers. (This wouldn't be a fit for the comments, either, as this is not a clarification/question on any post here. This is just an aside for fun.) — Kendra 13 secs ago

#9317 Kendra (1472 rep) | A: Communicating during sex when my partner doesn't like direct questions? (score: -1) | posted 1 minutes ago by Seb693 (46 rep)

7:19 PM

Also, given any thought to the idea of filtering?

@thesecretmaster If it's not too much trouble, that'd be great, thanks.

@thesecretmaster Yes, I have. I wanted to do some research with Data.SE and on what I see here before making anything, though

@Shauna I didn't say this was religious/cultural. OP said and I quote: "...it's a deep / personal boundary I have for myself..." interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9309/…; — NVZ just now

#9310 NVZ (8310 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 8) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

OK. I can start logging comments to a database also.

Great, thanks. You've helped a lot of comments on IPS disappear ;)

Yay

7:24 PM

I expect to hit 1,000 helpful flags there before the end of next week.

@NVZ there was no reason to bring religion or culture up to begin with. Yes, it's a deep personal thing, and that is valid, but it doesn't change the fact that such a boundary is not only derogatory to the neighbor, but even to the poster, himself, because it conveys the message that two adults can't be trusted to behave appropriately. — Shauna 1 min ago

#9310 Shauna (101 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 8) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@Shauna I'm saying it's as you say derogatory because it's uncommon in that region of OP. Here in my place it's normal to refuse to visit alone. The opposite would be inappropriate, that is visiting her alone would bring "bad name" to the parties involved. So I say, culture/location always plays an important role. — NVZ 1 min ago

@BenP. I think the best you can do then is price things high enough so that if people are gonna just pay the price of no-showing or being late, you still come out ahead. ie, make it worth your time. — Kat 1 min ago

#9041 Kat (101 rep) | A: How do I deal with a client who doesn't respect me? (score: 43) | posted 6 days ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep) | edited 6 days ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

I appreciate you taking the time to write a detailed answer. However, stop setting such strict boundaries isn't an answer for the question I've asked. I have considered the message I'm sending... hence, I've asked how to politely send that message so that it's not offensive. — MrDuk 36 secs ago

#9321 MrDuk (153 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 0) | posted 11 minutes ago by Shauna (101 rep)

If you flat don't trust her with the children effects how we might answer the question of how to express. The question was very unclear. — Paparazzi 17 secs ago

#9309 Paparazzi (592 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 10) | posted 3 hours ago by MrDuk (153 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by MrDuk (153 rep)

+1 for getting to know them better. As a parent and some one with friends who are parents I don't find it strange to be careful about who my kids play with. I don't want to teach my kids to distrust every one but I also don't want them to be taken advantage of. So when they play with friends I check up on them frequently. This way I can make sure they are safe with out making them paranoid. It also lets me make sure they are learning to share, not hit, etc. . . — Dan Anderson 56 secs ago

#9319 Dan Anderson (2932 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 6) | posted 27 minutes ago by redOctober13 (161 rep)

I think the point they are trying to get across is that there may not be a way to send the message without being offensive. Much of the United States is against treating people differently based on sex (at least in theory) so if that's your reasoning it may just be inheritly offensive. — TheLoneMilkMan 1 min ago

#9321 TheLoneMilkMan (101 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 0) | posted 23 minutes ago by Shauna (101 rep)

"You'll be telling her that it's ok with you that she wasted time and money trying to do something for you " -- I did consider this, but I was hoping that by saying something now rather than later, she might be able to return it.. would that help at all to say? She is quite aware that I'm not interested in a relationship with her and why, but I haven't explicitly said "please don't contact me anymore" or anything like that. — Em C 1 min ago

#9320 Em C (4808 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 3) | posted 26 minutes ago by Monica Cellio (7114 rep)

She is not in my life. I only brought the gift to avoid being yelled at by my parents, though I agree it was a mistake to leave it. I texted her that last time because she had ended the previous call with "We should be talking out our problems more". I stopped responding after she took weeks to respond and explicitly said the reason for the delay was because she didn't want to deal with me. Literally all she has said to me since was "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year". — Em C 1 min ago

#9318 Em C (4808 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 1) | posted 37 minutes ago by Janet (19 rep)

It is not their (sisters) home. It is the parents home. — Paparazzi 1 min ago

#9314 Paparazzi (592 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 4) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

@paparazzi - i know — AndreiROM 57 secs ago

#9314 AndreiROM (6312 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 4) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

Unfortunately, much of the United States is also too easily offended by views that disagree with their own. This has nothing to do with her being a her though (other than the fact that I'm a heterosexual male I guess), and everything to do with my wife and I having boundaries in place for ourselves. — MrDuk 1 min ago

#9321 MrDuk (153 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 0) | posted 33 minutes ago by Shauna (101 rep)

Not clear to me from your answer. They will know makes no sense. You expect the family to stop the sister from leaving a gift. The family did not stop OP from leaving a present. — Paparazzi 53 secs ago

#9314 Paparazzi (592 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 4) | posted 2 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep) | edited 1 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

In High School my brother once wanted to stay out past curfew. My mom said no. My brother accused her of not trusting him. My mom replied "I trusted you up until the moment you stopped wanting to keep the rules." The simplest and most effective way to never start an affair is to never allow yourself to develop a close personal relationship with some one that you are even remotely attracted to. part1 — Dan Anderson 28 secs ago

#9310 Dan Anderson (2932 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 10) | posted 3 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

I have personally seen men cry "how did I get here?!" (paraphrased). Well they got there by allowing themselves to get too close to some one when they shouldn't have. I applaud @MrDuk for making every effort to be faithful to his wife. This has less to do with both parties trustworthiness today and much more to do with their choosing to behave in a way that will insure that they do not end up in a situation were that trustworthiness might be tested. part2 — Dan Anderson 1 min ago

OP said (possibly in comments) that the issue isn't that he has to be present the entire time, but that even if he wasn't present while they played he'd have to come inside to retrieve them (and this was also an issue). However, everyone getting to know each other could still help ease both OP and OP's wifes tensions about this. The issue isn't about the kids being alone in the house. The issue is about the OP (a married man) entering the single womans house alone (without wife). — Jess K. 20 secs ago

#9319 Jess K. (6390 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 10) | posted 56 minutes ago by redOctober13 (201 rep)

One day I am going to write a question and use their real name, i,e, "Let's call her Anne" But she is actually Anne. — jacksonecac 22 secs ago

#9255 jacksonecac (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 53) | posted 29 hours ago by Cashbee (1388 rep) | edited 23 hours ago by Cashbee (1388 rep)

You left a gift for her and she is not returning it then the polite and proper thing is to accept a gift from her. Minimal drama is just don't contact her and don't give her any more presents. — Paparazzi 9 secs ago

#9313 Paparazzi (592 rep) | Q: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 3) | posted 2 hours ago by Em C (4813 rep) | edited 16 minutes ago by Em C (4813 rep)

Tell him you spat in your bottle :P — Silencer310 48 secs ago

#9254 Silencer310 (101 rep) | A: How to tell a colleague to not drink water from my bottle (score: 12) | posted 31 hours ago by Rolen Koh (401 rep)

8:52 PM

"as not wanting to be in a compromising situation even once." Do you mean that simply being alone with her constitutes a "compromising" situation (in which case you quite simply are not using the term "compromising" in a manner that is standard in 21st century American culture), or do you mean that there is some further situation that you see as likely arising from being alone with her? — Acccumulation 49 secs ago

#9309 Acccumulation (228 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 12) | posted 4 hours ago by MrDuk (162 rep) | edited 2 hours ago by MrDuk (162 rep)

@DanAnderson - you seem to have a very low opinion of people' — AndreiROM just now

#9310 AndreiROM (6312 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 10) | posted 4 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

So this solution is to put a WiFi camera that you have access to in your neighbor's kid's playroom? — JPhi1618 16 secs ago

#9323 JPhi1618 (131 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: -1) | posted 49 minutes ago by Joe (99 rep)

Am I understanding correctly that your goal is for her not to do anything to your monitor (i.e. not even just turning it off), not merely for her to not unplug or leave notes? — Jefromi 1 min ago

#9255 Jefromi (375 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 53) | posted 29 hours ago by Cashbee (1388 rep) | edited 24 hours ago by Cashbee (1388 rep)

If it is an agreed pretense, they could simply tell their parents they already sent their gifts to each other. Getting the sister to agree and keep up pretense seems more difficult than just having everyone understand OP is done with her. — Forklift 1 min ago

#9326 Forklift (221 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 0) | posted 5 minutes ago by Amadeus (4001 rep)

“Have an honest talk with her and say that although you respect her opinions” the issue here is that for Anne it’s probably not just a matter of opinion. — Michael 1 min ago

#9258 Michael (274 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 72) | posted 29 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

This does not answer the question in any way. OP has asked to refuse the gift and cause minimal drama. — Forklift 24 secs ago

#9328 Forklift (221 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 0) | posted 3 minutes ago by Juan Carlos Oropeza (101 rep)

@Jefromi No I don't care if she turns it off. I know I forgot to mention that in the question, and the comment where I mentioned it before has been removed with a huge portion of the comments. — Cashbee 39 secs ago

#9255 Cashbee (1388 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 53) | posted 30 hours ago by Cashbee (1388 rep) | edited 24 hours ago by Cashbee (1388 rep)

@Forklift I already said the minimal drama is accept the gift. I'm not saying she go there and get it. But if she visit her parents and there is a gift there just accept it and 0 drama. — Juan Carlos Oropeza 10 secs ago

#9328 Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: -1) | posted 5 minutes ago by Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep)

This is why I phrased it as I did: The OP does not require consent of her sister, she is just informing her to avoid confusion. If the the sister cooperates, fine. If she doesn't: The OP is not the one that upset her parents, and does not have to answer to them for why she can't buy a simple gift. If her sister does not reciprocate, fine: None is needed. The price of a token gift is the price of a pleasant Christmas, like bringing a cake or a bottle of wine to a party. It also does not require an outright lie to her parents about nonexistent gifts. — Amadeus 15 secs ago

#9326 Amadeus (4001 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 0) | posted 22 minutes ago by Amadeus (4001 rep)

I fully understand your motivation and if I were giving advice to a friend whose life situation I know well I might give advice contrary to the question, but this asker is rather clear in the setup and desired outcome. — Forklift 5 secs ago

#9328 Forklift (231 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: -1) | posted 9 minutes ago by Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep)

I would also add, that phrased as I have it, this is a defensible text if her sister shows it to her parents. — Amadeus 52 secs ago

#9326 Amadeus (4001 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 0) | posted 26 minutes ago by Amadeus (4001 rep)

That makes sense. It doesn't keep OP from accepting a gift, though, which was the desired outcome. I like the honesty angle though. It's hard to go too wrong when you lay it all out. — Forklift 1 min ago

#9326 Forklift (231 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: 0) | posted 26 minutes ago by Amadeus (4001 rep)

9:38 PM

I think this answer expresses a lot of why I found the question very uncomfortable despite recognising the obvious good intention of the poster and applauding his commitment to his wife. I'm a single woman. If this sort of boundary was even relatively common my life would be much harder and lonelier. — Rosemary7391 33 secs ago

#9321 Rosemary7391 (126 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 2) | posted 2 hours ago by Shauna (129 rep)

Actually I can see how this answers what to do with this gift, but how does it discourage her from sending future ones? I would like to achieve that too. I don't want her to feel obligated to spend money on me when in reality it is unwanted. — Em C 1 min ago

#9328 Em C (4818 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: -1) | posted 23 minutes ago by Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep)

9:49 PM

@AndreiROM What did I say that gave you that impression? — Dan Anderson 24 secs ago

#9310 Dan Anderson (2932 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 11) | posted 5 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

Also as an aside, this is a bit more serious than road rage... I didn't just wake up one day and decide to cut her out of my life, it's more like a bad breakup that's dragged on for a year. — Em C 1 min ago

#9328 Em C (4818 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: -1) | posted 37 minutes ago by Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep)

Wait until she leaves for the night then turn her monitor on. (Yes, my interpersonal skills could use some work.) — Ouroborus 8 secs ago

#9255 Ouroborus (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 54) | posted 30 hours ago by Cashbee (1393 rep) | edited 25 hours ago by Cashbee (1393 rep)

If you don't have any children, ask Anna if she does. If so, any energy saving arguments of hers can be safely discarded as self-serving nonsense. — GManNickG 1 min ago

#9255 GManNickG (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 54) | posted 30 hours ago by Cashbee (1393 rep) | edited 25 hours ago by Cashbee (1393 rep)

There are religions -- I mean ones practiced by ordinary people, not obscure cults -- that have rules or strong customs about being alone with someone of the opposite sex. People in those communities manage to address problems like this without causing offense. Whether "I'm very sorry, but my religion forbids..." is why it doesn't cause offense, or whether it's something else in the phrasing, I can't say. But I think your premise that it can't be done without damaging the relationship is mistaken. I think this answer would be stronger without the first paragraph. — Monica Cellio 28 secs ago

#9321 Monica Cellio (7164 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 2) | posted 2 hours ago by Shauna (129 rep)

"passive aggressive stunts like unplugging your monitor" That's not passive aggressive, that's just aggressive. — Acccumulation 1 min ago

#9258 Acccumulation (228 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 75) | posted 30 hours ago by AndreiROM (6312 rep)

Not that it matters (unless you're going to use the numbers in your discussion), but ... A typical monitor (like a Dell 27" QHD) uses "less than 0.5W" in standby mode. There are about 125 non-work hours in a week and about 52 weeks in a year. So turning the monitor off would save (less than) 3.25kWh per year. That's still a trivial amount, but I'd be careful not to give Anne derail the conversation by arguing over your arithmetic. — Adrian McCarthy 1 min ago

#9255 Adrian McCarthy (101 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 55) | posted 31 hours ago by Cashbee (1398 rep) | edited 25 hours ago by Cashbee (1398 rep)

I just think you are still hurt and that is why every action of her cause a reaction on you. But as I try to explain is up to you to decide when is enough and move on. If she give you a gift you can accept it to keep things peaceful on your parents home and you can tell her later you don't want any more gifts. — Juan Carlos Oropeza just now

#9328 Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: -1) | posted 59 minutes ago by Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep)

@Spagirl "We've no evidence that she intended her action to be punitive" Had her motive been correcting the situation, she could have simply turned the monitor off herself. What does unplugging accomplish, other than retribution? "or that she know what the consequences would be." At best she is displaying appalling ignorance and recklessness, and the former does not excuse the latter. Unplugging electronics for petty reasons with no idea of what the results will be is atrocious behavior. — Acccumulation 8 secs ago

#9303 Acccumulation (228 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 6) | posted 13 hours ago by Pieter B (328 rep) | edited 10 hours ago by Pieter B (328 rep)

I also have a bad breakup and the worst part is it was a coworker so I have to see her every day. And each time I want go to the bathroom has to walk in front the desk. I was so hurt that I stop drinking water so didn't have to go the bathroom. I keep saying I was over her, until someone explain it to me how mess up was my actions. And I finally understand if something have to change was me. — Juan Carlos Oropeza 37 secs ago

#9328 Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep) | A: Refusing gifts from an estranged relative (score: -1) | posted 1 hours ago by Juan Carlos Oropeza (99 rep)

10:27 PM

I joined this stack just to +1 this question - good for you! @Acccumulation in answer to your question "simply being alone...", see Clarence Thomas' Supreme Court nomination hearings. MrDuk may not ever be in a position to be nominated for the SC, but he can still hold himself to very high standards, no matter what the world around him says is OK. — FreeMan 1 min ago

#9309 FreeMan (101 rep) | Q: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 19) | posted 6 hours ago by MrDuk (196 rep) | edited 3 hours ago by MrDuk (196 rep)

Are you suggesting that OP tells Anne about these plugstrips? If so, could you expand on how to approach that conversation? Otherwise your answer may end up deleted - similar devices have been suggested already and removed for being purely technical solutions, rather than interpersonal solutions (see this meta post). — Em C 51 secs ago

#9329 Em C (4823 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 0) | posted 17 minutes ago by Phil Frost (241 rep)

Another PSA: Please remember that answers must focus on the Interpersonal Skills aspect of the question. There are a couple deleted answers now suggesting devices to automatically switch off the monitors - we're looking for IPS solutions here, not technical ones. See this meta post for more info. — Em C 28 secs ago

#9255 Em C (4823 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 57) | posted 31 hours ago by Cashbee (1408 rep) | edited 26 hours ago by Cashbee (1408 rep)

Anne's mental derangement doesn't give you any obligations. — gnasher729 1 min ago

#9292 gnasher729 (834 rep) | A: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 2) | posted 19 hours ago by user8174 (21 rep)

10:51 PM

@Cashbee If you forgot something in the question, please, edit it in! :D hugely long comment chains are complicated to read and users tend not to read them, so they miss much of the question content. Please don't rely on comments to contain detail. Edit your question so that it is complete and then flag the comments that are no longer needed for removal. But your "goals" say "stop messing with my workstation" but "turning off the monitor" seems (to me) to be "messing with your workstation" so perhaps your goals section can be more specific? — Catija ♦ 1 min ago

#9255 Catija (8621 rep) | Q: How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off? (score: 57) | posted 31 hours ago by Cashbee (1408 rep) | edited 26 hours ago by Cashbee (1408 rep)

And if she wants to come in with the children? — Paparazzi 1 min ago

#9315 Paparazzi (620 rep) | A: How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play? (score: 1) | posted 3 hours ago by Janet (21 rep)