okay I think I'm going nuts. My calculus textbook defines the sine and cosine as the only pair of functions $\mathbb{R}\to\mathbb{R}$ which satisfy the conditions:
1. $\sin(0)=0$
2. $\cos(0)=1$
3. $\sin(a-b)=\sin(a)\cos(b)-\sin(b)\cos(a)$
4. $\cos(a-b)=\cos(a)\cos(b)-\sin(a)\sin(b)$
5. There exists an $r>0$ so that $0<x<r$ implies $0<\sin(x)<x<\sin(x)\cos(x)$