The DMZ

MechMK1

20:12

@J-- Computers are fucking awful

Anonymous

:upside_down:

MechMK1

Oh shit, I didn't see what you wrote ^^;;

Anonymous

It doesn't matter.

Anonymous

I am the only person alive who can have pretty much everything and still have depressive episodes over petty shit.

Anonymous

I caused my own burn out

Anonymous

20:24

and now im bitching aobut it

Anonymous

i just dont know what i expectr

MechMK1

It's okay to be burnt out

Take it slow, give yourself time to recover

Anonymous

The problem is, I am so burnt out I can feel myself just hating everything.

Anonymous

It's fucking dumb.

Anonymous

But that's how my brain works, apparently.

MechMK1

20:26

I can't tell you what to do, only you can decide that.

My advice to you is to not beat yourself up over it.

Anonymous

Yeah that's good advice. It's a shame I can't follow it.

Anonymous

Sometimes I wish I was a fucking bum.

Anonymous

All of this is too much pressure

Anonymous

it just is

MechMK1

Eh, could be worse to be honest

Anonymous

20:29

Yeah thats another reason I feel like shit.

MechMK1

I'm trying to learn not to care and not take things so seriously

Like, I'd see a meme where a guy complains he'll never find love, and it used to ruin my day

And now I'm just like "lmao same"

Anonymous

Yeah I wish I could do that.

Anonymous

I hold myself to the most ridiculous standard possible.

Anonymous

And then I get upset when I don't meet it, an endless fucking loop.

Anonymous

ANd the worst part of all is i have absolutely nothing to bitch about

Anonymous

20:31

i mean, not compared to most people

Anonymous

i knew this not feeling depressed thing wouldnt last long

Anonymous

it never fucking does.

MechMK1

It's not easy for me either, you know?

Having intrusive thoughts every day certainly doesn't help

Anonymous

I know. Hence my "
Yeah thats another reason I feel like shit."

Anonymous

I am upset because I am burned out, that is the most retarded fucking thing ever.

MechMK1

20:33

But I really can't change the fact that I am how I am

So I might as well accept it

@J-- It really isn't

I assume your burnout comes from a lack of self-care

Anonymous

Most likely.

MechMK1

I can't magically give you a will to care about yourself, and I won't pretend that I do

Hell, I don't care for myself at all

But you're a great person, and I'm glad to know you, and I hope nothing bad happens to you.

Anonymous

Thanks.

Anonymous

I wish I believed that :^)

Anonymous

I never have, I likely never will.

MechMK1

20:37

I hope one day you do

Anonymous

Its whatever.

MechMK1

I hope one day I myself can believe that I matter

That I'm worthy of love, worthy of care, worthy of good things happening to me.

I'm not there yet, but I hope one day I will be.

Anonymous

The thing that really pisses me off is that I am never fucking satisfied with anything I achieve

Anonymous

i never am.

Anonymous

its like a disease

Anonymous

20:38

and its really hard to explain to someone who doesnt have much aspiration (not you i just mean in general)

Anonymous

but i could fucking take over amazon ans believe i could have done more

MechMK1

I understand that feeling. Like first place is barely ever good enough, and not even.

Anonymous

Its fucking stupid

Anonymous

yeah first place isn't good enough

Anonymous

nothing is. even when i finish this course which i am finding really hard, i'll be happy for 2 days

MechMK1

20:39

I used to be similar

Anonymous

then ui'll be looking for another sense of achievement

Anonymous

its the most retarded way to live

Anonymous

as much as i wish i was a robot, im not.

MechMK1

I remember, one year, I got an average grade of 1.3, which was almost perfect.

It was the second best grade in my class

Anonymous

nobody can live like this it isn't healthy.

MechMK1

20:39

Only second to a girl who had perfect grades

Wanna guess how my father reacted to that?

Anonymous

That you should have got first?

Anonymous

See the thing is, my childhood was never like that. I don't know where I got this from. My parents never gave a single fuck.

Anonymous

I just got this from out of fucking no where

MechMK1

He took my playstation away, took my TV away and forbid me from going outside for 2 weeks (of my summer holiday break). TV and PlayStation were forbidden for 6 months.

Anonymous

Jesus...

Anonymous

20:41

See, my childhood was the total opposite.

MechMK1

That's one way to motivate your kid.

Anonymous

So where I got this from, I don't know.

MechMK1

You know, the funny thing is, my father never cared about my grades.

Anonymous

But I just know that nothing I achieve I ever think is good enough, I ALWAYS believe I could do more.

MechMK1

He was only there to yell when they were not perfect.

Anonymous

20:41

Damn... Sorry.

MechMK1

He yelled at me for slacking off

You know, because "almost perfect grades" meant I was "slacking off"

And he yelled at my mom for "not learning with me" (which, by the way, she did every day)

It's not like he ever had perfect grades either

In fact, his grades were terrible

But I suppose he felt like this was his idea of "good parenting", you know, giving "motivation" and such

So I had this idea in me that I had to be perfect in everything I did, and if I wasn't perfect right away, I would get extremely demotivated, probably out of a subconscious fear of punishment

Anonymous

Yeah, I mean, in this case that feeling does make sense.

Anonymous

In my case? Why!?

MechMK1

Sometimes, we're just like that

Anonymous

Nobody ever gave a shit about anything I did. So where I got this idea I need to come above the 1% from I don't know.

MechMK1

20:44

Some people have an obsessive-compulsive mindset just like that

Why are some people extremely affected by addictive behaviour, and others aren't?

Anonymous

I just wish I could switch it off to be honest.

Anonymous

I am going to be in this mood for weeks now.

Anonymous

Its just a waste of energy.

Anonymous

Ultimately I feel bad for my girlfriend. I cannot control my fucking emotions and now shes gotta put up with me being in a depressive episode for weeks all because I got upset I burned myself out of something I was really enjoying.

Anonymous

its all jsut fucking stupid

Anonymous

20:46

i have the emotional stability of a fucking 5 year old.

MechMK1

Would you like me to give you advice?

Anonymous

Go for it.

MechMK1

Because, you know, I lead such a healthy and successful life

Anonymous

Most therapists are fucking nuts so :D

MechMK1

Perhaps explain to your girlfriend why you feel in such a mood, and ask for her support. If I saw my girlfriend felt down, then knowing why she does would help me a lot in supporting her.

Anonymous

20:48

The thing is, she doesn't get it.

Anonymous

As in, she doesn't understand my obsession with being better than even humanely possible.

Anonymous

Because she is very proud of me, she says it a lot.

Anonymous

ANd she cannot understand why i am never proud of me

Anonymous

and honestly i cant understand it either

Anonymous

i achieved 40x more than most people my age and it isnt good enough and i doubt it ever will be

Anonymous

20:49

its just a waste of "talent" really

Anonymous

should give my life to someone who can control their emotions

Anonymous

theyd use the opportunities better

MechMK1

Don't think about it like that

I know, easy for me to say

But really, it's okay to say you don't know why you are never satisfied with yourself

In all honesty, I see you as an absolute winner, and I hope one day I can have a fraction of what you have

Anonymous

I wish I knew what to say to that...

Anonymous

It means a lot but I just.

Anonymous

20:54

I don't know how to respond.

Anonymous

Like, it really, really means a lot.

Anonymous

But I just... I don't know how you respond to something like that.

MechMK1

It's okay

I'll be 27 years old soon. What a weird thought.

Almost a third of my life already gone

Well, the only thing keeping me from offing myself is my mom, really

Anonymous

bad timing ^

MechMK1

:D

Anonymous

20:58

i hit enter before you posted that lul

MechMK1

Gallows humor is the best humor

Anonymous

i didnt even know you were nearly 7 years older than me...

MechMK1

Yeah, it is what it is

Anonymous

No its fine :D

Anonymous

I just didn't realise.

MechMK1

21:00

Wanna hear something funny? :D

Anonymous

i am for sure not getting any sleep tonight

Anonymous

yeah sure

MechMK1

I had a dream not too long ago, where I was laying in my bed and doing something on my laptop, and suddenly a girl laid down next to me and held me by my arm. And I was immediately like "Wait a second, that's not realistic" and woke up

Anonymous

Sadge :(

MechMK1

:D

It's kind of funny in a really depressing way

Anonymous

21:04

this is why i feel like an absolute fucking clown bitching

Anonymous

but i mean, its all in my head so i cant really stop it

MechMK1

But I mean, any woman I talk to either ends up ignoring me or turns out to be a guy looking to catfish someone, so yeah, things don't look like they'll improve

But at least if you're into dark humor, you got something to laugh

Anonymous

Really need to find you your own BOOBA :D

MechMK1

You know, I'm one weird guy

And the more you get to know me, the weirder it becomes

Honestly, I doubt any woman out there would look at me and be like "Oh fuck yeah, that's the man of my dreams"

Anonymous

Yeah, well, as you can see. I have emotional stability of a literal 5 year old and I have a girlfriend so.

Anonymous

21:07

Fuck knows how... Shes very supportive.

Anonymous

I'd have left me long ago.

MechMK1

Honstly, I'm glad for you

haha, I've given myself up about...3 years ago?

At some point when I was with my ex and I realized every day I was simply appeasing her outbursts of jealousy

Anonymous

Yeah, I mean, it kinda' makes sense given your ex...

MechMK1

And I knew it wouldn't get better than that

Anonymous

I think I might need to go to therapy again.

Anonymous

21:10

I am clearly not ready to handle everything on my own.

MechMK1

It may be worth a try

I can't say, never went there

Anonymous

I don't like it, at all.

Anonymous

I solved everything myself in my life so far.

Anonymous

I got a CCNA while I was homeless ffsd

Anonymous

the idea of me having to have someone help me

Anonymous

21:10

makes me feel very weak

MechMK1

There must be some merit to it

Else you wouldn't have suggested it

Anonymous

Well, it made me really happy this time.

Anonymous

But as per this outburst.

Anonymous

It hasn't lasted.

Anonymous

The common denominator is im not going anymore.

Anonymous

21:11

so it seems to me that i am not ready to handle my emotions

MechMK1

You have to decide if it's worth it

Anonymous

which is embarrassing when i am 20 years old, 21 this year.

MechMK1

Ah, could be worse

Look at me :D

Anonymous

But that's different. Your situation is entirely different.

Anonymous

You have to remember, I feel like killing myself because I worked a bit too hard and now I'm burned out.

Anonymous

21:13

The level of retardation in that is immeasurable.

MechMK1

Yeah, and I want to kill myself because I'm not worthy of being loved by another person

Anonymous

I mean, I think it's retarded anyways. Maybe others don't see it like that, but that's very much how I see it.

MechMK1

Is one worse than the other?

No

It's just out personal struggles

No need to be ashamed about that

Anonymous

I mean, I think you have a way more valid reason to feel like that.

Anonymous

Mines just a bit... Pathetic. That's how I see it.

Anonymous

21:14

That is how 5 year olds behave.

Anonymous

BUt then I guess hhen you factor in severe mental illness it seems less retarded.

MechMK1

Honestly, I feel retarded too

But I'm most likely autistic, so it's to be expected that I have 0 social skills

Anonymous

Basically, I just think that your reasoning is way more valid than mine and it just makes me feel like a bad person.

MechMK1

Honestly, don't worry about it

We're not at the victimhood olympics here

You have a problem and you deserve support for it

Anonymous

Thanks. I wish I saw it like that.

MechMK1

21:17

I can't force you to see it that way

All I can do is support you to the best of my ability

Anonymous

I know, I appreciate it a lot.

Anonymous

I have been trying to work on this for as long as I can remember.

Anonymous

I say this a lot but: I wish I could trade my life with an average pleb.

Anonymous

Life seems REALLY easy as an average pleb.

MechMK1

Yeah

I just wish I wasn't fucking autistic

I wish I was normal

Could do normal things

Not freak out when I have to talk to people

Anonymous

21:19

Yeah, I feel that...

MechMK1

Not spend hours and hours of my day glued to a screen

Anonymous

I am yet to figure out why "intelligent" people are always so fucked up.

MechMK1

maybe then I could finally know what it's like when someone else loves you

I really want to know

Anonymous

I think its lifes biggest trade off.

Anonymous

Like...

MechMK1

21:20

Even if it was just for a moment

Anonymous

That's how it seems to me anyways.

MechMK1

You have no idea how alone I am

It was bearable before the lockdown

Since I could go to the office, speak to people, joke around

You know, act like a human

Anonymous

Yeah, I hope that changes for you soon, that sucks.

MechMK1

But now, I'm just a machine. I wake up, I get an IP address, I scan, I fuzz, I exploit, I report - and then I play videogames

It's all meaningless

None of this, none of this matters. There is no greater purpose. No wife to love, no childen to raise.

Anonymous

One day you're going to make me cry I swear :D

MechMK1

21:21

I could die tomorrow and in a month, people would have forgotten about me.

Anonymous

You know..

MechMK1

Wanna know why I know?

Anonymous

Sure.

MechMK1

I haven't posted anything on my twitter account for a long time

Nobody asked about me, nobody messaged me how I was - nothing

I was just *poof* gone

Anonymous

:(

Anonymous

21:23

If's any consolation...

MechMK1

And it's the same in real life

Anonymous

Other than my girlfriend, I'd be in the exact same position.

MechMK1

I asked about you, when you had your hiatus, if thats any consolation

Anonymous

Really?

MechMK1

Yeah

Anonymous

21:24

That means a lot...

MechMK1

You and forest

Anonymous

I didn't expect that at all.

Anonymous

Despite being gone for a REALLY long time.

Anonymous

Almost a year, actually.

MechMK1

I still hope he's dong well

Anonymous

21:24

If I know forest, he's absolutely fine.

Anonymous

He just comes and goes a lot.

MechMK1

I'm glad as long as he's fine

Anonymous

Its just his way of life I think :D

MechMK1

As long as he's happy with it

Anonymous

But since I've been here he's come and gone a lot.

Anonymous

21:25

And he's always fine :)

Anonymous

which is good

Anonymous

because hes good people

Anonymous

hes good forest.

MechMK1

Mhm, yeah he is

Anonymous

he also always leaves me awestruck so

Anonymous

21:27

i like that a lot.

Anonymous

since hes so damn smartt.

MechMK1

Man, I'm barely above a skiddie

Anonymous

I don't think so.

MechMK1

Oh yes, I know

Anonymous

You have a lot of experience in actually performing tests.

Anonymous

21:30

Skiddies don't.

MechMK1

Hence why I said barely above

Anonymous

Well, we are all skiddies in some areas right.

MechMK1

Yeah

I wish I wasn't a skid in all of them tho :D

Anonymous

Hahaha, no you're definitely not a skiddie in all of them.

Anonymous

I don't know fuck all about web.

MechMK1

21:33

If only you knew :D

Anonymous

I mean, it also all is relative to your life goals, right.

MechMK1

Oh dear, don't get me started there

Literally zero progress towards them

Anonymous

No I mean, if you have no desire to become a world dominator in web exploitation then who gives a shit.

Anonymous

I only have goals related to infosec

Anonymous

so if i fail them its very different to someone who has more family oriented goals or whatever, you know.

Anonymous

21:37

it matters more.

MechMK1

I want to be a good husband and a good father

That's my goal

Infosec is "just" a job for me. A job i enjoy, but ultimately just a job

Anonymous

See, that is totally different for me.

Anonymous

It is way more than just a job for me.

Anonymous

ANy value I have comes from this shit.

reed

if you really love infosec you can't be a white hat though

MechMK1

21:45

That's why I said, it's just a job for me

Anonymous

I cannot say I have not thought about that a lot @reed

Anonymous

if i was single then.... well.

Anonymous

who knows.

Anonymous

dont have a lot to lose and i hate pretty much everything so.

MechMK1

That's why I stopped caring about my health completely

The sooner I kick the bucket, the better

reed

21:50

things can improve, you can feel better, stuff changes, just because you are unhappy now doesn't mean you will be unhappy forever

MechMK1

I've been unhappy for almost a decade now

reed

of course if you think you've been unhappy for so long, and you start to find reasons to justify your unhappiness, well, of course you are going to be unhappy. I know this sounds obvious, but it really works that way

MechMK1

What am I supposed to say? That being alone and unloved doesn't phase me? That half a decade's worth of abuse didn't have any influence on me?

The damage is done, the dice have fallen, the game is over

I've sat around, waiting for shit to change, and I've fucked it up

It is how it is

Some people just lose the game of life

And well, I'm just one of those losers

It is what it is

reed

but saying that "the sooner you kick the bucket, the better" is probably an exaggeration. If you think and say that, you can't expect to feel better. The game of life is full of bugs anyway

MechMK1

I'm not expecting to feel better at any time

I'm just waiting for my time to come

reed

22:03

I just think you should not think that way, but it's just my opinion. I would say something like this to anybody, unless I knew they had some bad disease

we need some hope. I actually think we are all going to die in a cyberpunk dystopia, but I still need to dispense some hope, LOL

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