18:42
My condolences, I know how hard this can be. Understand though that there should be no shame involved, this was not your fault, and however you decide to handle it in your workplace, most people will understand that. —
Moses May 1 at 15:41
Stop using the word "shame". Things happen. People will understand and sympathize. -- Joe Strazzere (41 votes)
It's not a shame. Period. And I can bet many of your coworkers have been in the same situation, both as partners of somebody in your situation or first-hand. It's more common than you think. -- lorenzog (18)
Shame for what, if I may ask? Something like 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. Would you advise the women involved in these miscarriages that these miscarriages are their own fault? Of course not. Stop blaming yourself. Miscarriages are not a moral judgment on anyone. And "anyone" includes you. -- Vietnhi Phuvan
First, you have my sympathies. Second, and more importantly, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you did horrible things to yourself to cause this tragedy (and I doubt it since you obviously are saddened by it) you simply had a pregnancy that wasn't viable. It happens a lot, and it is depressing I am sure, but you will overcome it and your co-workers, if they are caring, will sympathize with you and help you to get beyond it, and not blame you. -- David Wilkins
So sorry for your loss. It's not shame, it's life. One thing that might help is simple wording. "Miscarriage" can be a hard pill to swallow even though they are fairly common. I had a family member go through this, she found "there were complications" for more palatable. You're the victim of a tragedy here don't let anyone make you think it's your fault. -- RualStorge
In the interest of helping you avoid going through this a second time in the future, it is important to note that the mother's lifestyle choices can influence miscarriage. DO consult with your obstetrician about ways to protect a future pregnancy.
But not all of these causes indicate bad choices, given the information you had, and even if you made some, any shame/guilt should be addressed with your family (and religious counselor). There is no reason whatsoever for your coworkers or professional life to be involved, nor should you tolerate that from them, even if you visibly made bad choice…
@BenVoigt --- Of course, of course! When I find a nice husband and I am blessed with a second pregnancy I will be take more precautions, perhaps seeing if I can telecommute for 1st trimester with doctor's note, agreement with supervisor, HR, etc -- Glowie
@Glowie: Seen this story (well, the stress had a different cause) in the life of my coworker and close friend, with a very happy ending. Rest and telecommuting were a big part of the answer for his wife. God is good. -- Ben Voigt
@BenVoigt ---- thinking of God's mercy is what is helping me keep part of my sanity -- Glowie
Yakshemash ! Do you mind telling us why you feel a shame because of this ? It's not like you got a DUI. -- Borat Sagdiyev
@BoratSagdiyev --- I was feeling it was my fault because I stayed with a soon-to-be-ex-husband who was emotionally and even physically abusive (pushing me when I wanted to patch things up, and I blamed myself for it). I thought God would give him some sense and my baby could be in a loving home with two married parents. I got rid of the husband, but lost the baby as well .... -- Glowie
@Glowie - I sorry to hear about your situation. I feel a bad for you. So here is my 2 cents - Generally people never change unless they have to. Often, having kids won't change anything. Anyway, leave all that behind you and let time do the healing. Don't think that you are tarnished because of someone else's douchebaggery. Smile, take care and if you want a few cheap laughs, watch my movie. -- Borat Sagdiyev
If you don't feel ready for work it may be better to take time off (If you do, more power to you). If financial or professional factors are compelling you back to work is may be worth investigating if the support or legal protection offered by your employer or jurisdiction during maternity leave is also offered during sickness resulting from pregnancy.
This would be the case in the UK, although I understand maternity laws are a more flimsy in the US (guessing that's where you are), it may be than NY (another guess) maternity benefits would also still apply to post-miscarriage sickness. -- N…
@NathanCooper --- Thank you, I didn't know about this. I will find out from HR if I can take off time for grieving. I'm scared I'll start crying loudly at work all of a sudden. Yes, I am from NY. -- Glowie
Why do you speak of shame ? -- Nicolas Barbulesco
@NicolasBarbulesco ---- now the feeling of shame, and blaming myself is less and less. The support from people at stackexchange have been so overwhelming, I never expected it. I still feel sadness though, but I'm trying to move forward. I never realized miscarriage was so common... -- Glowie
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is not your fault and the shame is not yours! I hope you have the support of your friends and family in your healing process. You are an amazingly strong person for being able to leave your abusive ex; it is a very difficult thing to do and you should be proud of yourself for managing it, not ashamed for not having done it before. -- Jenny D
@JennyD ---- Oh Thank You. We had traditional arranged marriage and my family had so much trouble to find me someone, and when they did, we all rejoiced. As soon as he started to show his abusive side, at first I was in denial, but then I opened my eyes to the reality. I thought somehow he would change, he is adjusting to USA, but that was never the case. And now my baby is dead, I will never forgive him, even if he becomes a saint. -- Glowie
It is very rare for an abusive partner to change. I am very off-topic for this site by now, but if you want help finding resources or support, please feel free to contact me on the address listed in my presentation here. I don't live in the USA, but I have friends there and a lot of internet contacts. You do not need to carry this burden alone. -- Jenny D
Hello, I'm really sorry to hear about your unfortunate circumstances. We'll be planning to do a comment cleanup on these comments soon, so my suggestion is to use [chat] to talk further or if you have the reputation to do so,
create a separate chat room. That will help take the discussion off the main Q&A and still allow you to talk about this. Hope this helps. -- jmort253♦
