Great question!

1 - 'I don't want to raise my daughter thinking that she is only a good person when she does things that impress us.' --> why would it be ONLY when? it seems the daughter would think it is 'when' not 'only when'. logically it is precisely a 'when' and not necessarily an 'only when'

2 - 'It also just sounds weird, like something you would say to a dog.' --> i've been called good boy/bad boy all my childhood...the only thing wrong i think of this is that you call the person as a whole good/bad from just 1 action. i think people should say 'good job' instead of 'good boy/girl' but anyway what exactly is wrong this? i don't think your post has clarified this. 'my wife pointed out its not good for her self esteem etc.' --> why exactly? sounds like this is the crux of the matter here. but anyhoo i'd really like to know so i don't end up calling any future children i have

good child/good boy/good girl. (although in general i would try to say 'good job' or whatever is the negative equivalent for the reasons i stated earlier)

Does your mother continue to say "good boy!" to you? If not (and I suspect she doesn't), then this is much ado about nothing. The next time your wife suggests that the phrase is a problem for your daughter's self-esteem, ask her if she thinks your self-esteem suffered. Sometimes we humans make far too much out of far too little.

@JBH 'The next time your wife suggests that the phrase is a problem for your daughter's self-esteem' maybe OP is onto something here, but i really wanna know what OP thinks is bad for self-esteem here. in this case, i think the question is kind of unclear until this is clarified

One thing it took me a while to learn as a parent --it's OK and even beneficial for kids to be exposed to different styles of parenting and ways of doing things (within reason). // Even when it seems like a values issue, it can be worth choosing your battles --kids need to learn how to negotiate through a world where people can have contrasting beliefs and standards.

We talk to our dogs like children, not the other way around.

Wouldn't it be better for their self esteem? Why do you think its a problem? If they do something good, would you rather everyone just ignore it/take it for granted? Even adults like to be praised for their hard/good work, why would it be different for a child? It should be more important. As others have said "good job" is also good, but I think we tend to use "good girl/boy" with children because the things we praise them for is for 'good' behaviour/manners/etc as opposed to adults who do good work/effort/etc so we tend to use 'good job' with them instead.

@BCLC I link to the main study on this in my answer, using "good girl" is not a particular negative predictor, it's a lack of process praise (e.g. praising the work throughout the work) and person criticism (e.g. you're a lazy girl) that are negative predictors.

Don't let this be the hill you die on

@vikingsteve Not helpful.

@JDługosz i'm a dumbass, but good perspective/insight. lol. never thought of it that way.

@deworde ok well good for you but i think OP's question is unclear without any kind of such links. OP, no offense, but i'm going to downvote your question until this is cleared up. Not that you really care about my downvote because you already got hot network question and 15 upvotes, but yeah. Edit: oh right i'm below 125 points, and so i can't downvote. lol.

This question is weird. There is nothing wrong with a relative saying good girl and i would worry more about my wife raising kids according to some crackpot quack self help textbook.

Also this is a cultural thing. When i hear American parents saying "good job" it sounds weird and wrong to me and others in other countries.

Goes around, comes around - I was brought up by Christians so the 'why do you call me good? no-one is good but God alone' thing applied, instead I was thanked when I did something helpful, whereas now people think they are 'good' by default even if they don't do anything helpful.

Wife vs Mother in law type conflict. Do nothing, play dead and move on. Your mother has the right to talk with your daughter as she finds fit as long has she isn't mistreating her, which I'm sure isn't the case. Your wife is seeing problems where they don't exist.

I don't know, this strikes me as worrying about the wrong things. We've never really worried much about this kind of thing - certainly not about what our parents were saying to our kids. Knowing that they loved them, any verbal missteps (and my parents, I'm sure made their fair share) would be more than made up for. And our kids are 20 and 27 and loving, upright, and compassionate. I've always said that God gives us some extra grace if our intentions are good, and my kids are proof.

It's interesting as I remember my great-grandfather used to say ''lovely boy'' when I was little just as a nice thing to say, but he never said ''good boy'' if I did something which he wanted, as that would just sound you are talking to a dog.