Super Cow
Can eat almost anything (replacing pigs as garbage disposal)
Puts out huge amount of milk under constant nipple compression (replacing dairy cows, and removing the need for complicated dairy pumps. A peg clamped on will put out gallons.)
Can pull a huge weight (replacing oxen)
Stron...
I was thinking the udders are kept hot, at perfect temperature for pastuerisating, with one nipple for full cream, one for low fat, one for chocolate, one for strawberry, one for custard, and one for yogurt.... but thought it was a bit over the top
I foresee some problems with the earwax section. Most natural processes due to age are gradual transitions, so you would wind up with impure earwax that is often halfway between the previous age-gate and the next age-gate. Unless there's some sort of magical hard cut-off, which doesn't seem plausible given the limitations of the question asked... ...Well, also some other limitations, realistically speaking... a lot of limitations. But where's the fun in that?
This creature is a beast. There are however a few things I don't think would work biologically. First, I don't think it would be possible with big differences depending on gender (silk vs kevlar and wool vs cotton). Secondly the ear wax, it's already been discussed in the comments.
I would like to add a few things to this animal. First, fertilized eggs doesn't need to be brood, meaning the cow can work after laying eggs. Second, the gender of the offspring depends on the temperature of the egg, meaning the farmer can choose what gender to get. This is reality for some reptiles. Third, the calf doesn't need milk, it's basically ready to take on life as soon as it's hatched. And lastly, the calf grows extremely fast, basically fully grown in a matter of weeks. That means that loads of meat are available.
"The urine is usable as a fuel already" You'd better be very diligent about harvesting that urine, and ensure none of these beasts get out into the wild. Aside from poisoning whatever plants they pee on, these mega-cows would be walking fire hazards.
You also want the intestines to be whatever it is that makes sheep intestines suitable for surgical stitching (and violin strings!) over other animals.
@MichaelW. This is interesting. Say a sort of civilization setback happens. People will view this animal as a divine thing that provides so much for them. However imagine what would people think of war-animal.
you can already refine urine into alcohol, it is just nobody want to.
You also don't want an animal for meat AND milk/work, you want a milk/work animal to last a long time, but you want high turnover for a meat animal, maybe differ by sex?
You forgot to say that when their ears are tickled they can also spray acid out of their mouth that can be used to melt any obstacle in their path. The ear tickling is essential, that way they can’t do it themselves or for each other — they need someone to be riding them.
Oh also, each cow anus expands into a unique Universe, many of which are rich in precious metals and minerals, such as gold and diamonds, that can be mined. They have a symbiotic relationships with little elves that mine their anuses. Ones that aren’t rich in natural resource can serve as tourist destinations — it’s what all those cheeky kids do in lieu of cow tipping, which isn’t possible with these cows thanks to their enlarged clitorises, which have a biological function as a stabilizing fifth leg.
@John or a genetic trait only present in half of the mega cows causes benign tumors to grow on their rump that can be harvested every few months without killing the beast.
I feel like many of these traits don't seem biologically plausible, but not enough was done to exploit realistic physiological differences between male and female (and perhaps neutered individuals). You could easily have vast size differences between sexes which could enable more calm, large, workhorse females and smaller, faster, shorter-lived, aggressive/loyal dog-like males with tasty meat.
You can't have everything you want. There are always trade offs in everything. You can have an animal with some of these traits, but not all of them. For example, having it produce lots and lots of milk will drain resources, and less will be for meat. Similarly for females creating a single large egg a day, would drain their resources and they will not be able to produce milk or pack meat and fat onto their body.
My main concern is how to feed this creature to keep up with its enormous metabolic requirements. But that's a problem for our wizard-tyrant, who (for the purposes of this question) specifically doesn't care about how much food this creature will eat.
Nitpick, this actually does not cover some of the real world uses for a cow because of how ti dies. Certain organs are actually used for food by themselves (look up 'sweetbread' and 'head cheese' for the two big examples, but there are others).
@bta OTOH, they might be great for burnt sacrifices because of this...
I think this is a brilliant answer, but the generic name "super cow" does not really do it justice. Perhaps "chimeradon"? We all know what a "chimera" is, and adding the "-don" suffix makes it sound ancient.
Discussion on answer by Ash: A wizard…
Discussion on answer by Ash: A wizard…