Idiot

Maybe, I honestly don't know why I feel like that, I wish I had any passion at all

@MichaelW. Sleeping and YouTube only. I've been told plenty of times that I might have adhd, it's just that I knew people with adhd in school and I was more like the complete opposite of them (I am not hyperactive at all)

@Ghoster You've got a point here. There have been things (not math related though) when I was a teen which were so fascinating to me that I didn't feel like studying while effectively studying them. Right now I'm 27 and the spark is gone, I don't really have the fascination to things I used to have, and I just do things because they're either useful or easy enough to do them. It's a shame, but this led me to choose a major which I obviously am not interested in (although talented enough to learn it). My PhD friends talk about mathematics the same as if you'd be talking about a hobby. I don't.

@PasserBy Weird statement to make. The PhD students and professors in my math department are extremely extroverted and self confident. My advisor would fit your picture, he's very introverted, but he's an exception to the rule at our faculty.

@Aruralreader that luck is a curse. Imagine you get the luck to be an F1 driver, only to finish last all the time or crash the car on lap 1. I would need to go back to square 1, start creating my own individual curriculum (my field is mathematics) with a 5 year plan, find resources (books and lectures) and play university at home again - only then, maybe, I would regain all the knowledge lost to me, and I would be able to follow seminar talks and discuss difficult topics with other colleagues as if I'd be chatting about my favorite music.

@Anonymous Half time evaluation at my university is a self-presentation about my achievements of the past 2 years. One specified question (not only regarding the topic itself, but also in general about my activity like why I've never applied for grants) and I'm done.

@knzhou I know there is no shame, it's just that I have too little time left due to my half time evaluation. Also, for some reason, my other PhD students colleagues are perfectly confident in undergrad knowledge (and not only). They are able not only to answer questions outside of their field (like the question directed to me at my talk last week), but also are able to follow seminar talks and discuss it (in person or on WhatsApp groups, they talk about complicated stuff like it's super easy). It's just humiliating and time-wise too late to catch up.

@Arka it's more that what I've learned in university, it's now forgotten, and what I am learning while doing my PhD is just scratching the surface enough for a short paper (so I can create new theorems and prove them on the technical side, but I don't comprehend them truly on the other side - as I am not able to name an example for a simple definition we used throughout our paper)

@Arka That's also a possibility, sometimes in retrospect some things didn't seem to be so difficult after all (or would be things I could figure out if I were given some time). But how can I speed up my thinking? I can drink coffee like water and it has nearly no effect on me.

@Aruralreader Yes. I got into a PhD pogram because there were 8 candidates for exactly 8 free spots, so I was pretty much guaranteed to get in. I did it because I don't know what else to do in life, if I drop out of my PhD program i really don't know what to do then