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2:13 AM
@JoeObbish Fixed thank you.
 
 
11 hours later…
1:27 PM
layers of fact checkers and editors
 
 
3 hours later…
4:40 PM
ORMs strike again
 
 
2 hours later…
6:15 PM
@JoeObbish This.
I know that @PaulWhite , @JoeObbish , and @sp_BlitzErik make fun of me for eating ~1.5 pounds (0.7 kilos) of red meat a day... but after over a year of eating like this I have my blood results.
Total cholesterol = 149 , HDL = 45, LDL = 88, Triglycerides = 69.
I have a better lipids profile than most vegans
 
 
1 hour later…
7:26 PM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft i don't make fun of you. i envy you.
 
@sp_BlitzErik You don't envy my grocery bill, that's for damn sure.
well, maybe you do because I'm just feeding me
not almost 3 other humans
 
we probably spend $1200 a month on groceries
 
Good lord
I budget 800 for myself but I tend to be around 400
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft not surprised. you aren't allowed to eat most things that are good
400 is a lot for a grocery bill? Isn't that double food stamp levels?
 
I can't buy twinkies, so it could be
 
7:42 PM
when i lived in bushwick people bought the worst stuff on ebt
 
Most do, some don't. I blame it on a system that encourages it by making the worst possible food for you the cheapest. My family was on ebt before, I had free school lunches and such but my mother did a very good job at not buying crap and getting a variety. It obviously took her time to prepare it and such, but that's the give and take of it.
 
mostly the fault of the weed-industrial complex
 
 
1 hour later…
9:14 PM
Erik's comments are always from the heart
 
i do my best to speak to people how i wish to be spoken to
or whatever
 
can you speak to the numa nodes on my server?
 
where's my cookie?
 
I didn't see you at chicago
did I miss you?
 
i was dressed as bob pusateri
 
9:32 PM
"I think one of the reasons I like computers is that they’re so much easier to deal with than people. They’re predictable, emotions never get in the way, and there’s always a logical explanation for everything if you dig deep enough."
oh, the guy who took pictures?
 
probably?
 
the worst thing about these things is all of the pictures
 
9:49 PM
the rockstar says no pictures, please
 
with pass I sign away the rights to my life for a bunch of mugs
bad deal
 
10:14 PM
@JoeObbish You mean the pictures in the powerpoint slides that mean absolutely nothing.. like a random picture of a tree for a whole slide?
 
ahem
did they forget to fix the scalar udf thing?
or is that dev still on vacation?
 
"forget"
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft no, I mean people taking pictures of me and uploading them to the internet
the dev who developed that new operator is on vacation too
 
everyone's on vacation
except us
 
@JoeObbish Well, you're famous - I'd welcome you to the club but I fly under the radar
@sp_BlitzErik That's funny because I was just reading the fixes, I figured there'd be more in there
 
that looks interesting
everything else is boring
 
10:17 PM
> Assume that you use Query Store in SQL Server 2017 on a server that has more than 256 logical cores.
@JoeObbish pshh you only have 96
 
there are people who don't do that?
as far as you know
 
what is a VSTS bug number?
there was an interesting sounding fix in CU8, so it naturally had no documentation
 
> The DMVs sys.dm_exec_query_stats, sys.dm_exec_procedure_stats and sys.dm_exec_trigger_stats now include the data that is spilled by parallelism operators, in the columns total_spills, last_spills, max_spills, and min_spills.
 
I like how they include that but not batch mode spills
thanks MSFT
 
10:19 PM
@JoeObbish you don't like this one? support.microsoft.com/en-us/help/4089948/…
 
@JoeObbish It's the internal number the bug is in TFS
 
what kind of noob splits partitions?
 
@JoeObbish You're welcome - anything we can do to make you feel terrible :)
 
I create my partitions correctly the first time
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft so it's useless to anyone outside MSFT?
 
etl doesn't count
 
10:20 PM
Apparently you never slid a window
 
oh? you going to split a partition with data in it on a CCI?
 
@JoeObbish Yes, unless you want to use it to see if it's the same bug that's been fixed across version
 
good luck with that, chum!
 
there's more to life that etl
 
maybe in a blog post
at my leisure
 
10:21 PM
workaround: remove the clustered columnstore index
 
if i feel like it
 
why not just
 
workaround: buy an actual etl tool
 
workaround: drop the table and start over
 
10:22 PM
if everyone wasn't so bad at columnstore then maybe we would
 
I'm surprised you aren't using some super specialized column based software
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft tell me everything that you know about VSTS 11704339
 
i hear memsql can do a trillion rows a second
 
I thought about doing a pass session where I'd insert a trillion rows into a table while the session was going on
 
@JoeObbish Can you send me the link?
 
@JoeObbish He said, using a vm and hdd san storage
 
I could do it with 5400 RPM drives
because I'm pro
 
> Improves the query performance when an optimized bitmap filter is applied to the query plan.
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft why isn't there a KB?
 
I dunno, I'd have to look
 
10:26 PM
-_______________________________________________________________-
 
Something to do with joining a Columnstore to a rowstore... then I got bored of reading
 
snoozefest
 
ok good
that sounds like the bug I reported
but why is there no KB?
I need a KB with a few vaguely worded, confusing sentences!
 
It basically says "Suppose" about 7 times before it gets to the issue - I suppose it's a fairly tiny edge case
 
so not worth a KB? outrageous
hey I got a good idea
you should let people leave comments on KB articles
 
10:30 PM
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
This guy
 
that way you can have the same quality BOL commenters sharing their wisdom there as well
 
We let people leave comments on Docs pages - you see what that does
smh
 
i wish the internet would go comment free
or maybe like once a year
people could leave comments
 
Then in 3 months you'll say how the quality of kb articles has plummeted
 
like the purge
> implying it can get worse
 
10:31 PM
I like the internet for the troll place it is
@sp_BlitzErik Not implying, calling it out directly lol
 
usually helps if you download and install a new CU before trying to test features in it huh
 
Depends on who you are
 
not joe
 
Then probably
 
i'm supposed to skype with a famous joe on friday
what should i wear>
 
10:32 PM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft you jokers aren't even making them anymore
 
interrogation mark
 
how can you go lower than that?
 
@sp_BlitzErik clothes
 
@sp_BlitzErik wife beater and a tutu
 
Birthday suit - it's a suit so it has to be professional, right?
 
10:33 PM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft you should allow moderated comments
so the community can explain what the hell is actually being fixed
 
@JoeObbish Sounds a lot like big government - I can't allow that
How do you petition to get on that list? Who goes over the list? Is there a point of contact? Is this a headcount add? Who moderates the moderator?
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft on which list?
you're making this too complicated
when I try to add a uservoice item, it doesn't show up right away
it needs to be "approved"
just use the same process
 
There is no process like that for KBs so it'd have to be created
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft Ok, you've talked me into it. Thanks!
I fully support you
I can't believe the fixes that we wanted were delegated to the D-list
@sp_BlitzErik Should I be offended?
 
@JoeObbish Gotta give it your A game next time
Don't be afraid to put a little blood and tears into it
 
10:41 PM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft I did, and support said that it wasn't a bug
 
Still have the case#?
 
yeah, case 58173204549FU
 
LOL
You know our case#'s are numeric, not alpha numeric
 
I always get the same case number
I don't understand why
 
"Routed>Joe Obbish>Another Columnstore complaint"
 
11:04 PM
anyone know of a good write up on implementing rls pre-2016?
ANYYYYYOONNNNEEEE
dies
 
Who asked that? Thank them for giving me some lulz
 
hang on
 
> cat pictures
take a picture of brunch while you're at it
 
You think that's for the "hang on" reference, but really it was for the explain plan
 
11:08 PM
check out this chickadee
 
It's not hanging in there, it's strangling itself
 
@sp_BlitzErik we actually did this
well, we accomplished the same thing
it was a good time
 
did you use nested views?
 
used views, but not nested views
 
11:15 PM
ah
well, check your email if you need a laugh
 
I've seen worse
didn't even faze me
 
jaded rockstar unfazed by atrocity
 
cool guys don't look at explosions
does it use USER_NAME()?
 
i don't remember
 
we had a long adventure with cached plans
 
11:20 PM
USER_NAME() - perfect, I can just go ahead and impersonate someone
 
it might not have been that one
but on my database you would be a lowly peon
 
SUSER_SNAME() 4 lyfe
 
unable to impersonate anyone
 
Why do you tantalize me with these juicy tidbits and then backtrack?
 
@sp_BlitzErik that sounds right
 
11:21 PM
You're such a SQL tease
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft reality can be harsh
Erik, do you know anything about writing pass bios?
 
only if you want to get rejected
apparently
 
@sp_BlitzErik You've just written the story of my life
 
have you "only" done the precon?
 
11:24 PM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft i should just get a job at ms so i don't have to bother trying
@JoeObbish what do you mean?
 
@sp_BlitzErik Have you done any other things at summit in the past? I've only gone one year
 
@sp_BlitzErik Because no matter what, you won't be selected
Unless you're the PM for the new cloud based whizbang
 
@JoeObbish i've submitted but only done the precon with brent
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft i would be the vp of sassy blog posts
 
LOL - blogs are on your own time, the other 12 hours a day you need to be working
I'm also fairly certain you'd fail the sexual harassment training
 
unless you blog for a living
like paul
 
11:27 PM
hmm
well I'd ask Brent but he seems busy this week
so I'll settle for you
 
OUCH
shit just got real....
 
florida man shouts on internet
he knows that I don't mean it
 
@JoeObbish There's way more interesting news about Floridians
 
yeah? well do something interesting then, florida boy
 
I'm not interesting :(
 
11:29 PM
move to the midwest
cheaper
better beef
no alligators
no hurricanes
 
no interesting people to make you feel boring
miles of cow shit
freezing year round
 
miles is the wrong unit
 
@JoeObbish Negative
@JoeObbish Ice storms, tornados, lack of teeth
 
maybe you'll get lucky and tinder match with a project manager from tulsa
 
there's snow about 10 feet away from me
right now
 
and at all times
 
@JoeObbish It was 74 degrees and 100% humidity today
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft you're going to claim that florida has high teeth per capita? pfft
 
@JoeObbish Not counting LA and LG, yeah
 
ok great, so let's not count the parts that get tornados
see? no tornados
 
11:31 PM
@JoeObbish Also no Midwest then
 
@sp_BlitzErik If I present at sql saturday in NYC next year can we hang out?
 
TBF - MSP airport has arguably the most beautiful people I've ever witnessed in my life... like they pay models to just fly places or something.
 
@JoeObbish we can always hang out
 
airports have beautiful people in general
because they contain rich people from all over
 
mmmmmm, disagree
 
11:32 PM
clearly never been to newark airport
 
well I suppose it's all relative
 
buncha nerfs
 
proles, one may say
 
i am tickled!
 
I've seen people who looked like models on the public bus before
 
11:34 PM
@JoeObbish clearly they shouldn't be there
 
wearing bikinis
two of them
giggling
it only happened once
in 7 years
 
Oh you've met my friends in the NSA
yeah, they realized you weren't a threat and moved onto the next person
 
@sp_BlitzErik why'd you ask for a signature? doesn't no one live by Paul for hundreds of miles?
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft if by "met" you mean "tried to stare without getting caught", then yes
 
@sp_BlitzErik 2 weeks of shipping and customs later...
@JoeObbish So do the same with columnstore
 
wut
 
11:37 PM
i think signature is required when it's insured for over a certain amount
maybe someday you'll get one of my old laptops
if you blog good
i'd send one to sean but they're not good enough for him
 
That's not true
Well, maybe
but still
Seriously, though, who do I have to promise sexual favors from Joe to in order to get the laptop I want
 
I want a 96 core server in my apartment
 
you wouldn't be able to afford the electricity
 
@JoeObbish How old is the wiring and how dirty is the power?
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft this is actually a good point
hmmm
 
11:39 PM
Question 2) How afraid are you of fires?
Yeah, ask me how I know....
 
it shouldn't be that bad?
 
question 3) do you have really good noise canceling headphones
 
Live in Philly in an apartment building that had to be 80 years old
 
GPUs draw a ton of power after all
I guess there are three main obstacles
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft 80 would be relatively young for philly
 
11:40 PM
1) crazy RAM prices
 
Before you decide, look at your breaker box and see if you have any 20 amp circuits not really being used
 
2) no one sells 4 socket motherboards. jerks
3) burning everything down
 
@sp_BlitzErik Exactly.
@JoeObbish Then where do the servers get them from? Magic? Aether?
 
although I hate my upstairs neighbors, so maybe that wouldn't be so bad
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft find me one that's not ass
 
I'll be your upstairs neighbor so I can stomp on the floor everytime you mention columnstore
 
11:41 PM
florida man talks to computers while chatting on them
 
@JoeObbish Beggars can't be choosy
 
you know that's not how this works, right?
 
@JoeObbish Isn't that normal?
 
you can do it to role play if you want
 
I like role play
 
11:43 PM
so what did you send Paul?
 
Be forewarned though, I'm true neutral/chaotic neutral
 
nerd
no wonder you can't deadlift beautiful, florida women
 
@JoeObbish my old laptop, which was somehow better than his laptop
 
@JoeObbish There's no wondering... I can't deadlift 600 pounds yet
 
@sp_BlitzErik you set the login screen to something good, right?
 
11:44 PM
@sp_BlitzErik I'd hate to see the shipping on that
 
kangaroo man?
 
Remember when you couldn't send software out of country if it had "strong cryptography"
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft $200 with insurance, dhl
@JoeObbish i installed ubuntu
 
@sp_BlitzErik Somehow that isn't bad but I feel like I should cringe
 
but why
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft it's a very good return on investment
 
11:47 PM
because i don't have a windows key i can give him and i felt the drive wipe would be more secure if it changed the underlying file system on top of normal formatting
 
My laptop wishlist:
1) Mechanical keyboard (cherry mx, brown, blue, red)
2) 8+ cores
3) TPM 2.0+
4) 64GB+
5) GeForce 1080
6) **single** power supply
 
lol tpm
 
@sp_BlitzErik Just use a disk shredder for DoD compliancy
The hardest thing to find is mechanical keyboard
 
it feels like that would prevent the computer from functioning
 
11:48 PM
yeah but you could have put a keylogger on it
then you'd get blog posts ahead of time
 
keyloggers won't make it through a wipe
 
that's why you install the OS
 
I want to change to infosec
I have much more fun breaking into things these days
 
i couldn't even get sql server to install
keyloggers
fuck outta here
 
it'll be a good fit for your feeling of superiority over others
I mean, why do you want to switch, Sean?
 
11:49 PM
I wrote a keylogger once
 
which girlfriend dumped you over it
 
@JoeObbish Who do I look like, Evan?
@sp_BlitzErik None, someone paid me to make one to spy on their wife
 
no Evan discussions in here
this sounds like a confession
and what is that about?
guy couldn't use an off-the-shelf one?
 
I already had most of the code, one of my friends wanted their keys to work differently so I wrote a low level keyboard hook to change the keys per their mapping request
@JoeObbish those are found by anti-malware
 
just disable it
you got physical access
 
11:52 PM
Kids these days
Anyway - keep your eyes open for the laptop of my dreams
 
back in those days there was no "microsoft impossible to turn off anti-malware"
 
Here is the closest thing I've found so far: us.msi.com/Laptop/…
 
NoScript XSS Warning
nice try, keylogger man
 
LMFAO
It's legit
 
keylogger man claims that his links are "legit"
 
11:55 PM
:trust no one:
/plays x-files theme music
 
you have digital music? what kind of a security guy are you?
true security guys only play vinyl
 
I only listen to music through a non-descript laser
sadly, I never get to choose the music
 
you can hire me to dj your life
 
is it legit to call myself an "expert" in columnstore?
I mean that's all relative, right?
 
11:59 PM
you're probably as close as it gets
how's that stored proc coming?
mr expert
 
those are great quotes for my bio
@sp_BlitzErik plan to work on it after sql saturday madison
 

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