Discussion on answer by apaul: How can I explain to others that I'm not comfortable with the word 'queer'?

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apaul

3:25 AM

@rbsdca If you want to ping me you can use @apaul and I'll get a notification.

5 hours later…

user61230

8:22 AM

@apaul I'd be curious what your thoughts are on this, if it's alright to impose.

user61230

You'd mentioned in your answer that one reason you prefer 'queer' is because it feels more inclusive.

user61230

I've heard a lot of mixed opinions on this, within my own communities and circles, but I've personally switched from LGBT+ to GSRM (gender, sexual, and romantic minorities).

user61230

The main criticism I've seen is that it's inherently minoritizing (it says "minority" right there), but I've heard a lot of mixed responses to it, generally speaking.

user61230

Part of my motivation is that, as someone who falls under that + umbrella, it's always felt a little tacked-on as an afterthought.

user61230

But I understand that the term isn't perfect.

user61230

8:25 AM

It's a pretty open-ended question, but I've read a number of your questions and answers on the topic, and I'd really value your thoughts on it.

user61230

Please don't feel pressured to answer, though - I get that these kinds of questions and discussions can be taxing c:

Groggo

9:02 AM

I have a real problem with this - you're basically saying that someone who is trans is neither male nor female. If I identify as a lesbian, and I date a trans woman, I'm still a lesbian because a trans woman is a woman. By saying that there needs to be another sexuality to describe people who date trans people, you're invalidating that trans person's gender. That's not okay and you should really spend some time thinking about that.

I've at no point said that an individual can't use it to describe themselves, just that I would prefer it was a word that wasn't used around me and I think that…

5 hours later…

apaul

2:13 PM

@Groggo Not everyone is binary, some people are gender fluid and some are agender for instance. As an example my partner is gender fluid, sometimes they present very masculine, sometimes very feminine, but most often somewhat androgynous. But I've also dated cis-women, trans-women, agender people, and so on. Who I happen to be dating at the moment doesn't define or change my sexuality.

apaul

2:30 PM

The point of my answer here was that it's ok to ask people not to use the word, but take a moment to understand why some people choose to use it. It's not about defending an identity. It's more about cultural norms, and sometimes an act of defiance.

In my little friend group, in real life, most all of us are somewhere on the LGBT+ spectrum, but we all represent different parts of the spectrum. The word "queer" for us is an inclusive term and something of an "in term" so it's more often used in a positive context.

@Zyerah My only thought there is that terms are only useful when people use them and people understand what the term means when it's used. I tend to lean towards LGBT+ or LGBTQ because it's more recognized and understood by more people than some of the other alternatives.

T.E.D.

2:47 PM

@apaul In fact, my other daughter prefers wearing "men's" clothes (including to Church), and can often be seen sporting a "binaries are for computers" T-Shirt, so yes this is probably part of the calculation.

She does answer to female pronouns, but I have a suspicion that's because, as Groggo has pointed out, her old man is less than fully cluefull about such things, and she's humoring him. Educating 50yo white male Okies isn't trivial.

3 hours later…

apaul

6:02 PM

@T.E.D. At least you're making an effort. You'd probably score some "cool dad points" if you asked what their pronouns are.

T.E.D.

One thing you learn as a Dad; you are by definition uncool.

2 hours later…

apaul

7:48 PM

@T.E.D. One thing I learned as a dad, it helps to be slightly cooler than the other dads ;)

T.E.D.

Bah, trying to be cool is a fools' game. If you somehow naturally are though, good for you.