is there a very particular time you choose to talk about your day/problem? I ask because, to me, the timeframe has to be carefully calculated. Does it bother him while doing something else? Is your spouse just in the couch, or watching a game?

he acknowledges that he doesn't want advice either that's interesting because, while i acknowledge that my wife doesn't tell me her problems because she wants solutions, and i try really hard to respect that, i would really love it if she wanted to help solve my problems, even if it was just to provide a sounding board to bounce ideas off of.

@Kat Could this be his way of making you not share your experiences with him? Like a subtle hint, that he doesn't want to hear it. He proposes a "solution" immediately and then wants you to be quiet. Did you ever discuss it with him?

As a note, "Keeping any problems to myself, but not being able to share things obviously drives a wedge between us and kinda defeats the point of being in a relationship" is a bit of an odd thing to say. There's plenty of other good reasons to be in a relationship, and the point of a relationship in my experience isn't to just be a backboard for your SO's problems.....

@Anoplexian I didn't mean problems specifically, but for me the most important part of a relationship is being able to share thoughts, feelings, and experiences freely. (In a respectful way, of course.) There are other important aspects as well, but they become harder if you can't open up to each other imo.

I believe either Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall had a bit about this. If someone could find it, they could develop an answer about using the comedy performance to illustrate the point in a humorous way?

@Michael Tbh I was surprised too. I think we both just like to vent about problems we're in the process of solving and want someone to agree it's hard and other people making it harder are obnoxious. :p It's not that we're opposed to thoughtful, genuinely helpful advice; that's just not the main motive and it's irritating when you get thoughtless advice in place of the understanding and empathy you're really after.

It sounds like you are asking for a solution. Since husband likes to solve things, try this whole question on him...let him try to solve it. I'm not being facetious...it just might work. In any case, my wife does the same thing to me, so I will be watching this thread with interest.

Isn't this a well known, perennial problem in male-female relationships? Women have been complaining about this for generations (centuries, maybe?), does anyone really think someone here knows the magic bullet?

@Barmar I'm not expecting a magic solution, but it seems reasonable to expect that there are strategies that can help. There are a few answers by people that have successfully worked through this problem, and some of the advice given seems helpful.

Poor you, you've explained your problem and everyone here is just posting answers instead of actually understanding how hard it must be for you. Never mind the answers - your husband is giving you a hard time and it's not fair! You're totally right. All you want is some active listening, that's not too much to ask.

If a person really listens, it's natural to get involved and try to solve it. Only those who nod their heads and say "mhm" instead of listening don't try to offer solutions. What did you expect by asking this in a place where people enjoy writing solutions instead of listening to rants? I could ask the opposite - why does my SO complains about a problem but then gets annoyed when I offer solutions? They wouldn't work, she says... well give me enough information so I could actually understand what would or wouldn't work and I will try to help!

There was a popular psychology book in the 1970s called "The Games People Play." Your problem is the game "Why Don't You - Yes But." It's described at some length. When I first read the book it didn't impress me, but since then I've seen many of the games, particularly WDY-YB, played all the time. Many of the questions on Stack Exchange - and the answers and comments - are good examples. Ironically, this one.

Comments deleted. Comments are not for answers; please write answers as . . . answers.

First off, accept that you aren't right, he isn't wrong. You're asking girl questions, he's offering boy answers. That's not a sin. You chose to marry a man, not another woman.

@HDE226868 And how am I supposed to do that if I can't do that?

"calls me a pessimist for believing his solution won't work without trying it" --- I do not like it when people tell me this. And I have done it to others, I admit. It is particularly bad when they no nothing of the field/context: "I'm so sad my car doesn't fly"; "oh, have you tried throwing it off a cliff, maybe that will work".

It's not clear from your question and your comments on answers that you actually want a solution. Is there a solution to your problem? We don't know what the problem is - perhaps it's "I have a terrible job and I work with idiots but i'm lucky to have it as I couldn't find another job with the same pay/perks/short commute time/job security", for example. If it's something like that then you might decide it's more pleasant and less of a stressful waste of both your time to simply discuss something else.

@DrEval I admit I wrote the question when I was pretty irritated and focused on the wrong thing. I edited the question to reflect that it's not really advice that I'm opposed to (whether it's helpful or not). I mind him expecting me to drop a topic I want to talk about because he perceives it as a problem that he has solved, when I might consider it neither solved nor something I need him to solve. Think more "this is what I experienced today (some good, some bad)" instead of "woe is me, my life is so horrible." He talks about the exact same type of things.

@LaurencePayne ... there is just so much wrong with that comment. "Girl questions"? "Boy answers"?? OP even explicitly says they both want the same thing (to vent about their days). XY vs. XX has nothing to do with it.

@EmC Seriously. I even edited it to make it clearer that it's not one-sided, and people are still posting answers to the tune of "he's a man, you can't reasonably expect this to change." Claiming men cannot be empathetic and never want empathy is as much BS as claiming women can't solve problems and never want to.

@Džuris "What did you expect by asking this in a place where people enjoy writing solutions instead of listening to rants?" I expected people to write solutions, which several people have done. Strangely, some have written rants instead, which I didn't expect. You seem oddly defensive about the whole thing. You're not my husband, are you?

Perhaps, you are venting to the wrong person? If you already asked him to stop giving solutions, and he hasn't, then there is probably no advice you will read here that will change his behavior.

What exactly are your expectations here? That he should listen to you droning on without trying to help? That we should listen to your problems without trying to help? What kind of a solution are you envisaging exactly? Have you considered who is really the problem here? Why exactly should he listen to your dump? How long would you listen to his for, without trying to move it along and accomplish some outcome? I'm sorry to have to say this but it all sounds pretty adolescent on your part.

"it's not one-side" What is one sided is you demanding him to change. There is a big difference between enjoying more when you just listen to him and not offer solution and demanding him to stop being who he is and become a different person. @moderator Please apply some common sense before you delete my comments.

@EmC It has everything to do with it. He may want it but most men don't need it at least not on a daily basis. The article about "holding space" which OP was very enthusiastic about is part of a "goodmenproject" that has the goal to emasculate men. Why exactly being a normal masculine man is bad??? How it automatically makes sense to you that her husband needs to be retrained like a dog and changed to behave the way she wants?? Why won't she change and learn to have less of a need to talk about her feelings? Why you and all the answers automatically assume the man needs to change?

@Oleg I didn't make any value judgments on gender stereotypes. This question is about OP needing a certain type of emotional support and not getting it. It would be the same problem if OP was male and married to a woman. Both partner's needs and wants are important, and compromise is an important part of any healthy relationship. I agree that the husband doesn't have to change, just as OP doesn't; they are free to divorce and find "better" partners. Clearly that is not the ideal outcome, hence the answers suggesting how OP can effectively explain what she needs.

@EmC You and others mentioned "compromise" compromise requires both sides to make concessions, what exactly is her concession? She has an XY problem the X is not getting what she needs the Y is deciding her husband is at fault and that she needs to "get" him to change. You are right that the exact same situation can happen with reversed genders but I do believe that much more women have this problem and in modern society men are blamed for it and expected to adjust. Imagine how a question by a man "How can I get my wife to cook for me?" which is objectively the same would've been received.

@EJP I listen to him vent every single day, often multiple times a day. If it is a recurring complaint, then I will let him finish talking about it, and do my best to show I understand and also give advice. Yes, it can be frustrating, and sometimes I get fed up and don't do it well. But at least I try to give him the support he's after. I am not asking for anything that I'd be unwilling to do, including changing my response to hearing a problem. There are things he wants me to change too, and imo we both have a responsibility to attempt to accommodate those requests.

@Oleg the best answers (by both my opinion and by votes) suggest ways I can do things differently to better set expectations or to encourage the behavior I want. If you have a suggestion for a compromise (and "shut your yap" is not a compromise), then please post it as an answer. I would love to read an effective compromise that makes us both happy.

@Kat And I truly hope it will help you. From what you described your husband might not see it this way. If this is the case the problem will not be resolved until you will start looking at it from his point of view.

@Oleg if you have a suggestion on how I can understand his POV and use that to solve the problem, please post it as an answer.

@Kat You've proven my point. You offer him advice but you don't want any from him. Why not? What is the point of the conversation if not to resolve something? I suggest that you are merely wasting time. Work should cease when you get home: it is time to get on with the rest of your lives and the reasons you married each other. Home is not for venting your work frustrations on other uninvolved people. That's for colleagues and managers, if anybody.

@Kat I can't do that, I need 10 "real" rep points to post an answer. I will have to do this here and I hope you will see this before a moderator will delete my comments. From what you described your husband "is who he is" and is not willing to simply change all of a sudden after all you married him because of who he is no? The problem is not that you didn't explain to him what you want well enough but that he doesn't want to do it. If this is the case you need to stop telling him what to do and instead show him that it's hurting you and make him want to change on his own alternatively...

@kat ... a real compromise would be not you doing the same thing for him that you care about but offer him something else unrelated that he wants from you.

@EJP Damn dude, it's her life not a Java question. This is not about points. Your comment is really not applicable.

@EJP you missed the part where I said i let him finish first and show I understand before giving advice. And even then I try to approach it more as "hey did you try thinking about it this way" instead of "just do X and get on with your life". And honestly I don't think he appreciates even that soft of an approach, but it is hard to do nothing, like you said. I would be fine with him doing the same in return. I don't mind him solving the problem, I mind him dismissing it simply because he's given what he feels is a solution, regardless of my opinion of it.

@Oleg ten rep is one upvote. Go post a question or answer elsewhere and link it here, and I will give you an upvote if it's reasonably decent. Then you can post a proper answer here. You've certainly invested enough time trying to answer in the comments to make it worth it, and I would like to see what you post. :)

@Kat Thanks but I'll pass, this is a somewhat weird part of StackExchange that I'm not sure I want to actively participate in. I mostly said what I wanted in my last 2 comments and the only reason I posted is because my angle on this is different and there is a chance it will help you. Try all the other suggestions and keep what I said in mind.