Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. — John ♦ 13 secs ago

Why don't you talk (per phone, email, whatever) with him about turtles and why he likes them and that you fear them? Maybe if you talk with him about your fears and his experience with turtles you will both learn something. — Edgar 2 mins ago

Maybe they actually think you are slimmer because your upper body gets bigger (with mussels) and compared to that your lower body looks smaller. — Edgar 30 secs ago

“Are you vegan?” “Yes” “why?” “Because I like being vegan”. Does it need to get more complicated than that? — Fogmeister 7 secs ago

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. — Catija ♦ 53 secs ago

@Edgar It’s not clear from your question whether she’s angry with you immediately upon waking up (which is understandable—it can be hard to tell dream and reality apart right after waking up from a nightmare, until your superego has repressed it again) or continuously for a long time afterwards. If it’s the latter, that definitely sounds like emotional abuse. Not addressing that (whether by severing ties or otherwise) can quite possibly lead to increased emotional abuse, which will take a very hard toll on you. — Janus Bahs Jacquet 1 min ago

@Edgar See the comment directly above yours. — apaul 21 secs ago

@apaul: My comment is not an answer. It may help the OP to see the situation from another angle. — Edgar just now

Except...people use them as a way to start conversation. It's not about mental toughness - I'd like to talk to these people, I'd just like to do it without the mentions of percieved weightloss. — Ash 50 secs ago

@Edgar I'll reiterate - everything I wear is the same size and fits pretty much the same as when I started. — Ash just now

@JAD it's an interpersonal problem: OP doesn't know how to communicate to the people they play with that they would like to even out the odds for winning. Also, while the solution is technical (handicap system, number of players unite against a strong player to 'take him out') you need good interpersonal skills to even bring up the subject or 'sell' a possible solution. It's about communication between a group of players. — LT Ortega 44 secs ago

Like I said, ignore the comments. Fake a small laugh if you'd like to pander a bit, then focus on a different topic. — horse hair 55 secs ago

Hey, folks. There have been a number of comments expressing agreement and disagreement with Dan's suggestions. Please keep comments for making specific suggestions as to how he can improve his answer. If you agree with him, great; you can upvote and move on. If you disagree with him, then you can downvote and, if you want, write your own answer. On a different note: Dan, you noted that you preferred the second reason. I'd suggest maybe reordering and noting that that's your preferred one (that said, I think your answer's also fine as is). — HDE 226868 ♦ 1 min ago

That won't stop them, though. They'll just ask again a different day. — Ash 1 min ago

Although not 100% wrong, this doesn't answer the question. It tells the asker to change her mind. And the idea of being included in someone's will as an extra motivation to get close to them is just... well, anyway, you have my downvote. — Euchris 59 secs ago

How courteous of you to inform me, and how good to know your opinion of my opinion. — Bread 45 secs ago

I wasn't aware that every answer is somehow supposed to agree with and enable the OP. I've never played the role of enabler, and I'm not about to start now. — Bread 1 min ago

Answers should use interpersonal skills to solve the issue, in general. That's why we're Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange, rather than a general problem-solving site. I'd recommend focusing more on the first part - explaining the fear of turtles. That sort of a conversation can be difficult, obviously, as does require the right sort of communication skills. — HDE 226868 ♦ 1 min ago

Why can't you just tell him that you are afraid of turtles? I don't understand this. Are you ashamed of being afraid of them? You don't need to. Your posts makes me smile though... turtles on a leash. Seriously? — Nostradamus JR 47 secs ago

I was under the impression that interpersonal skills should be used to solve social problems, but I was wrong. It seems I don't have what it takes to be appreciated, so I'll just have to take my lumps and swallow my pride and fade off into the sunset. — Bread 39 secs ago

Answer:slaves can be moral (grey areas exist), defending your stance is usually taken as absolutism, contrary opinions can (and will) cover areas you haven't considered (although this may be rare considering your intellectual investment) which can lead to a change in stance (I assume you experienced this), humans have a drive to "know" and "be right" (learning) and the acceptance/capability to change dies with age (plasticity loss), you are (however delicately) confronting their perceptions and if they're not broad-minded it will lead to what you experience.Your drive to change is not theirs — Black 1 min ago

....*also* I personally have experienced too many people that take media and popular culture and consume it wholesale without evaluation. I personally do not have, but can understand, a dismissive or derisive stance toward your personal choice by virtue of it being a "vogue" dietary restriction. Even if one is correct the presence of a bandwagon does not help, especially when the bandwagon knows none of the specifics. — Black 1 min ago

Agreeing with the asker is indeed not a requirement, nor is sharing their presuppositions. That's why we have the useful term "XY problem". But I see this as an "XY answer". Rather than suggesting ways to tactfully tell someone you're afraid of their hobby, you suggest that they just get over the fear. SE questions are often best when others can find them and use the same advice, but that suggestion doesn't produce a very generalizable template. Of course it could have a place in a comment or as an addendum to an answer. — Euchris 44 secs ago

More importantly, though, to my mind, hinting that you might inherit from a relative after they die if you try to be closer to them is not a point of view I could get behind. But that might just be me; as a sign of good faith I'll remove my downvote and leave it neutral. [Update: The site tells me my vote is "locked in unless the answer is edited"...] — Euchris 1 min ago

... one is usually not attacked for personal beliefs in today's society as long as it remains personal (a homemade dinner at a friends house can cross this line as you either don't eat or they accomadate, not eating could be taken as an affront... but thems the breaks). Once again explaining the journey succintly (not a conversion speech) can ease some tension. (Repetition of a stance to the same company is also mildly aggressive in my home region so maybe try to avoid that). — Black 1 min ago

The thing about the will was my wicked sense of humor, I can't help it. I'm disappointed that you didn't get the joke. She'd obviously inherit the turtle farm, lol. I'm sorry, I'll leave. But I must add that I didn't tell her to "just get over it". I wanted her to allow her uncle whom she claimed she was emotionally bonded with ("close") to help her get over the fear. I don't believe it is healthy to stubbornly hold onto phobias. I believe in conquering fear. But that's just me. You won't have to worry about me saying things you don't understand, it won't happen again. I'll spare you the pain. — Bread 1 min ago

turtle-phobia is also known as chelonaphobia — tox123 1 min ago

Not sure what the bit about the autism spectrum is doing in there. That doesn't apply here. — Ash 39 secs ago

It was related to the other answer I linked @Ash. Only persons on the autism spectrum and a very few other "sticklers for honesty" tend to take exception to untrue compliments and everyone else simply accepts the compliments as a social routine. Now edited my answer to clarify. — English Student 1 min ago

@Bread Re: will — fair enough! I've been reading a mind-numbing amount of the most humourless possible content today, so maybe that's why I missed the tone. As for phobias, again, I see it as beside the point of the question even if I agree that getting past a fear of turtles would be a good development. Anyway, if you do edit the question (even superficially), it would allow me to remove the downvote. — Euchris 1 min ago

Please ask a clear question. — Edgar 16 secs ago

There you go. Thanks. — Chaotic 1 min ago

There's a difference between "having some issue" and insisting on blaming you for their hallucinations. — Matthew Read 55 secs ago

There's no mention of nervousness, anxiety, or emotional state (besides that of a child at the hands of his parents) in the question. In any case, from my few years' experience teaching in various settings with good results, I have to say that one's attention being "on the lessons and nothing else" unfortunately isn't a good bet as a classroom management strategy, whether it's a classroom of one or thirty. What you say about good learning being enjoyable, rewarding, and ultimately self-motivating is of course true. — Euchris 1 min ago

Everything after your first paragraph is basically stating the difference between an outing and a date. It's a date if there's romantic intent. If you leave it up in the air then it's up in the air. It's that simple. You're also stating the context of 2 people in a movie theater or at dinner makes it a date by context but only if you're male if you're female it's whatever you want it to be this seems to be a mixed bag depending on many factors. I would hesitate to call it patently false, but it's definitely not 100%. — Black 38 secs ago

It isn't the point. This situation is none of the godmother's business, let alone of the OP's. Neither person is involved in the transaction. GM should shut the hell up, and OP should certainly disengage rather than take any part in it whatsoever. — EJP 47 secs ago

I know it's a really bad way to deal with it, but I would counter with a "But I had a dream where you killed me and my family in cold blood! Explain!". The accepted answer is excellent, you should go with that. — Kiro 7 secs ago

@AllTheKingsHorses: that's quite different. The OP stated the woman is very attractive, and he seems to enjoy being with her, to the point of trying to spend more time with her. There could be objective reasons (she is married, she is too old for him to consider a durable relationship, she is stunningly beautiful but her personality does not make her a good fit for the OP beside close friendship,...) that helps the question. A better comparison would be " I tried strawberries recently and I was struck by their exquisite taste. I don't plan to have them in my regular diet though". — Taladris 7 secs ago

If you only have meta reflect main, you leave no option for meta discussion whatsoever. But that's what meta is for. You can't decide as a whole to just not use meta anymore, especially not with the problems this site faces. — JAD 41 secs ago

If this were the case, meta would be pointless. If meta should always reflect what the community wants, whatever that is, you might as well remove meta altogether and let everybody figure it out for themselves. These policies don't just pop up, they originate from users noticing problematic developments, (such as every question turning into a brainstorm where everybody can just spout wild ideas), and trying to find a way to tackle this. You are almost right. Meta should reflect main, and main should reflect meta. — JAD 52 secs ago

Veto to your first sentence! This IS a great answer as it addresses the basic problem. The same situation as christmas :-) people except a 100% perfect time and allow every little deviation to spoil the whole thing without reason. @Chaotic Resolve that thoroughly before your holidays. Don't run into a time that is expensive and nevertheless disappointing for both of you. This is not a matter of costs only but also of your SO's expectations and attitude to your common time. — puck 11 secs ago

Why not? I don't really see the point of asking about this on meta. — JAD just now

Is it possible there is some other reason your SO wants this to be special? Perhaps some secret like they want to propose to you in a $4000 dollar paradise? (You didn't mention if you were married or not) Or first time having sex, anything like that that would mean they would like this to be extra special but don't necessarily want to say why? Is an over spend like this characteristic? — Lio Elbammalf 5 secs ago

@JAD The site is run by the community. Meta is simply a tool to help members of that community communicate with each other, but that's all it is: A tool, one of the many available to everybody. I'm not suggesting anybody stop using Meta, just that everybody would have better luck using it for what it is, rather than trying to make it what it isn't. — goldPseudo 35 secs ago

@LioElbammalf If That were the case, expecting the OP to pay an additional $1800 of their money for her planned surprise would be pretty unreasonable. — Spagirl 1 min ago

"10 times more than planned!" Was it really the initial accommodation budget plan? The OP does not make this very clear to me. — Taladris 47 secs ago

I'm still not sure whether I understand what you're actually trying to say. We receive questions that assume this is a relationship advice site. There are users that would gladly answer those questions here, even though they are wildly off-topic. What would you suppose meta's role to be in tackling this problem? — JAD 1 min ago

@JAD If the current "main community" isn't using Meta, that isn't the fault of Meta, it just means you have a community who either (a) doesn't care about effectively communicating with each other, or (b) is able to communicate effectively without it. If (a), you should as I suggest focus on attracting better users (especially for a site catering to Interpersonal Skills expertise) since giving them more tools to communicate won't actually help if they don't care enough to use them. And if (b), well, nothing to worry about: System working as intended. — goldPseudo 46 secs ago

@JAD What don't you understand? Meta is a tool for communication about the site. It has approximately zero actual legislative power: That power is in the hands of the community, not the hands of a handful of people making decisions, especially when than handful of people doesn't actually reflect what the community itself wants. — goldPseudo 11 secs ago

Learning how to compromise is really the key interpersonal skill here ... — D.Hutchinson 31 secs ago

@puck: In my answer I make a couple of assumptions, and maybe they are wrong. And I don't really answer his question how to make everybody happy... — Edgar 49 secs ago

Are you not answering your own question here? "it would seem that the angry stares from the women stem from jealousy"..."the jealousy tag says that it's for situations influenced by jealousy, whether felt by the OP or someone else" — Crafter0800 1 min ago

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — Arwen Undómiel just now

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — Arwen Undómiel 37 secs ago

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — Arwen Undómiel 1 min ago

How many days of income does your $2000 share represent? — peufeu 1 min ago

@Edgar: Like Matthew Read said, there is a difference between "having some issue" and blaming you for her hallucinations. I constantly break up will people who treat me like this, because they are not the people i want to have personal relations to. there is no need to fix every interpersonal problem, because the neccesary energy could be better spend on relations with non-abusive people. ymmv. — d_hippo 1 min ago

If they move to random places then how is this any worse? You reasons seem selfish to me. — paparazzo 1 min ago

@paparazzo I freely admit that it is somewhat selfish. We like them, but find them slightly full-on and overbearing. We'd prefer to maintain reasonable personal space to separate our lives from theirs, so we're uncomfortable with them moving literally just down the road. I'm not necessarily proud of that, but I don't think it's unreasonable. — georgewatson 1 min ago

yes I see your point. But I'd say there is nothing better left to do than you did. — puck 1 min ago

Comments are not to judge motives. Good luck. — paparazzo 1 min ago

I'd be fairly concerned about the mental health of an adult who legitimately can't understand that a dream is entirely and exclusively a fabrication of their thoughts. If it's contained to moments after waking, where the rational part of one's mind may not have woken up yet, it can be understandable, but not when it continues into the rest of the day. — NotThatGuy 1 min ago

Deathly afraid of 🐢?! Please... — Pedro Lobito 50 secs ago

Have you approached your friend about this? i.e. more subtly than "I think you find me threatening": rather "I feel things have been a little off between us the past few weeks: is everything ok?". That gives her the in to start a discussion, and maybe raise some points you'd not considered (e.g. potentially she's got other issues which are nothing to do with you, or maybe there's something more specific than simply you being attractive, perhaps something you'd be more willing to amend (obviously depends very much on what it is that you learn from the conversation). — JohnLBevan 1 min ago

Unfortunately, this question appears to be asking “What should I do?”, which the community has determined to not be a good fit for Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange. We can’t decide for you what to do; after you determine what you want to do, we can help you with your goal, but we can’t make these decisions for you. Sorry. — Arwen Undómiel 13 secs ago

@Taladris I'm still trying to think of a situation where knowing why the OP doesn't want to date this woman would make a difference to a polite answer but so far I came up blank. No matter which of the options you mentioned it is, he shouldn't mention it to her (if he wants to preserve the friendship but not date her). — AllTheKingsHorses 22 secs ago

@Nic It’s not necessarily about infidelity—it can just as easily be about fear of losing the relationship altogether (“She’s so much prettier than me; what if he leaves me because he realises he can do better?”). — Janus Bahs Jacquet 1 min ago

A note to option 1: Smiling politely at the woman and ignoring the man may not have the desired effect. You may intend it as a polite smile, but if the woman is the type to stare daggers at another woman for being good-looking around her partner, there’s a good chance she would also take a smile in her own direction as a sign of condescension or arrogance: “See how easy it is for me to make your partner desire me? And poor little you can’t do anything about it!”. That probably wouldn’t really help the situation any. — Janus Bahs Jacquet just now

@ArwenUndómiel If there was community consensus on that, the post you linked to doesn't show it. Although it seems pretty obvious that OP wants help specifically to de-escalate the situation, not for us to tell them whether they should de-escalate or start a screaming match or throw her out the window or just start running and never look back or start running... all the way to the nearest university, register for a psychology degree, spend a few years completing that, further that education into a master or doctorate, and then proceed to use that knowledge to construct a solid argument. — NotThatGuy 5 secs ago

@ArwenUndómiel: The qeustion is not "What should I do". The question is: How can I counter an irrational accusation? — Edgar 25 secs ago

A turtle tried to chase you? That doesn’t sound like an endeavour that’s very likely to succeed. Humans usually outspeed turtles by a factor of at least 1:100. — Janus Bahs Jacquet 33 secs ago

@zibadawatimmy: In the sense that I might not like the right thing to do, just feel I must/should do it. — Mathieu K. 33 secs ago

A snapping turtle is very definitely a scary thing. That said, this whole question sounds a little trolly to me. — Kate Gregory 29 secs ago

To paraphrase my good friend MBY, a date is when two people spend time alone together for the purpose of getting to know each other better. End of story. (Clearly, the corollary is that the label doesn't matter.) — Mathieu K. 25 secs ago

Your friends have come up with a solution to your problem already - "and (for how new I was) did well in Mario Kart" Why does continuing to play games that are new for you not an agree-able solution? It sounds like you did not end up dominating in Mario Kart so I don't really see why this is still a problem? — Jesse 1 min ago

An addition to this is environmental handicaps. Boardgames can be missing pieces, some PC's are better than others, there is often some bias already existing that you can exploit for a fun handicap. Giving the previous winner the broken controller was a favourite at my game nights. — Jesse 25 secs ago

@MooseBoys: Very good point. GR20 is hard, even for people in good shape. If the friend doesn't think his gf will be a danger, he might be a danger too. — Eric Duminil 1 min ago

GR20 isn't just an average two-week hike. I'm in good shape and spent my youth hiking in the Alps every summer, with 15kg backpack and more than 1000m elevation every day. Still, I was really surprised by how hard the GR20 was. It's not just elevation or length: the terrain is really chaotic, you often have to climb (with your huge backpack), you need to bring a lot of water because there's no source anywhere, you need to be really careful because some parts are very dangerous and you need to bring lots of food because you cannot buy it every day. — Eric Duminil 1 min ago

Indeed. If the friend thinks it's a good idea to bring his GF, he might be a liability too. It doesn't happen often, but a few people died on this hike. — Eric Duminil 1 min ago

@DanNeely: Good advice. You cannot stop anywhere midway through on the GR20. You either arrive safely at the goal before it's dark (it's hard enough for good hikers) or you've got a big problem and need to call a rescue team. People died on this track a few hundred meters away from the mountain hut. — Eric Duminil 25 secs ago

Recommend Deletion reviews prioritize the review task for users who do have delete-voting privileges. Also, if a post with a positive score gets six reviews, it won't be deleted, but forwarded to moderators for review. — gparyani 1 min ago

A strong desire to spend more time around someone you find extraordinarily attractive is pretty much the definition of wanting to date someone... — Jonathan van Clute 1 min ago

I knew it was not my dress. I mentioned the same in my post. But, I am pretty sure it was because of the marital status. For me, it was an irrational act. I have not posted this question to validate the above mentioned facts. I wanted to know in what ways I can bring it to their notice about their behaviour? Also, the question gathered a few comments which were trying to validate my facts. It was moved to chat. — Sandy C 24 secs ago

am sorry if it looked like I am trying to validate the facts, all i mean is those guys behaved wrongly, its in their "bad" nature to have acted like that. yes, this can then be followed up in that chat room i guess. — harshvchawla 1 min ago

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — Arwen Undómiel 57 secs ago

We don't know for certain whether the angry stares are because of jealously, though - some answerers write that, but the OP doesn't explicitly say it ... — D.Hutchinson 1 min ago

There's actually a really easy way to change this... by asking for the graduation-level privilege triggers. If users with 500 rep (who often have only ever posted one or two things on the site ever) can't close or reopen vote, then we've made them unable to act on their poor concept of what this site is actually about. The only reason there's disagreement on what's acceptable quality here is because reputation is pitifully easy to acquire and people who want to answer bad but "fun" questions, can do so merely by voting to reopen. — Catija ♦ 1 min ago

Aww, that's such a sad title! — n00dles 1 min ago

Why would you need to put a turtle on a leash? lol - p.s the poster has been member for 2 days and had 120 profile views! — n00dles 1 min ago

@Catija: I suspect that going to Shog et al. with "Our site's moderation is broken, please graduate us so we can fix it?" will go over poorly. Especially if "fixing it" will negatively impact the metrics which are supposed to decide whether you're ready to graduate in the first place. — Kevin 1 min ago

@Kevin Actually, if the site decides, on meta, that this is what we would like, then they will probably change the levels. This is independent of "graduation". We meet the necessary reputation balance for the full rep levels already. — Catija ♦ 27 secs ago

@Catija: I'm not saying it's a Bad Idea, just that framing it wrong won't work. — Kevin 1 min ago

@Kevin Except that's not the response I've gotten. If we ask for it and support the request with a valid reason, they will probably grant it. Again, this has absolutely nothing to do with "graduation". The reputation requirements can be changed at any time, they just usually tie it to site design (not "graduation"). Sites that "graduate" currently do not get the higher rep levels, only sites with a full site design. — Catija ♦ 26 secs ago

Possible duplicate of How to ask cashier out for date — apaul 7 secs ago

The other question is about Germany and this one is about the US. While the general advice would be the same, I don't know if there is culture-specific context that differs. — Monica Cellio 1 min ago

PSA: shouldihookupwithmybarista.com — ArtOfCode 12 secs ago

That bold faced line is a bad idea. She's already angry; an adversarial comment won't help. — WGroleau 1 min ago

@WGroleau : it's an idea. That can be kept in mind, or not, and shared. It depends on the relationship, on the strength of the discomfort, on many things/ parameters. But it's still something that is a fact. How you convey that idea is up to "you" (the one facing the problem) — OldPadawan 57 secs ago

@peufeu you have such a foul mouth here on this site - so much of what you say around the site is flag-worthy. I'm not really sure how in the world did you earn all of your IPS SE rep, while constantly displaying the tendency to use bad language in your answers and comments. — D.Hutchinson 17 secs ago

shouldihookupwithmybarista.com/cashier — apaul 1 min ago

I agree with @apaul's duplicate so will not bother writing an answer here. Just click on his link. That said, while some will inevitably say "Nooooooo", I should mention the last time I did this, it resulted in artistic nude photography in the woods. It's all about style. YMMV. — peufeu 1 min ago

@Erik : according to some evolutionary biologists, dreams (and especially nightmares) are actually training simulators. For example, in the ancestral environment there was a danger of being killed by a tiger, so if you had dreams about fighting tigers you could practice without the danger of facing an actual tiger. Your dreams simulate situations you fear of having to encounter in the future, so your brain analyzes the situations you fear the most, in order to prepare you. — vsz 1 min ago

Related article, directly from a person who had a difficult experience with this particular game — Kos 19 secs ago

Hey Lotana, Considering that you chose "he/she" instead of the pronoun used in the question, "they", I'm not sure that I trust your advice to be specific to someone with these concerns. Could you please explain how this applies to this specific situation? Do you have any specific experience with people who have gender dysphoria? — Catija ♦ 1 min ago

Considering the generic answer, perhaps a specific example would help us understand the specific concerns you have? — Catija ♦ 1 min ago

@vsz interesting info, but it still suggests trust issues if this is something she fears she'll be likely to encounter. — Erik 1 min ago

@Catija are you looking for specific examples of the kinds of things that cause them dysphoria? — apaul 43 secs ago

+1 for "Address the actual issue", which moves the focus from subjective assessment of the game to the impact on OP, which the OP can objectively state. — stewbasic 6 secs ago

Longtime vegan in "barbecue country" here. "Use humor" has worked WONDERS for me. I often use something like "Oreos & french fries are vegan - what else do I need?". It redirects the conversation and, at worst, I have to play the "Is xyz vegan, too?" game, versus getting into a philosophical discussion. — Alex 24 secs ago