While I understand you have good intentions, I assume you realise that your "what you can do" advice amounts to supporting actively harming the child on multiple levels? Not only is it setting a precedent of "my allies will desert me", the "he needs to accept that he is a he" and intentional misgendering will massively amplify the amount of pain Emily is going to experience and will potentially destroy his relationship with her.

I do, but it doesn't matter. Until the mother comes around, the only thing a boyfriend can do is support his girlfriend. He's not a father, he has no legal rights, he only has a 3 year investment in a 14 your old life. He has no right to be an ally in the first place. He is, first and foremost his girlfriend's ally. In that role though comes the ability to at least soften the edges. Shrink instead of camp, talk instead of yell, listen instead of tell. But he will get no where telling a mom she is wrong because he has different ideals.

It does matter for the simple reason that supporting the mother requires acting against the daughter. By your argument, no one has the right to support or act in the child's interest against an abusive parent, since if he doesn't have the right then who other than a blood relative does? For some context on how much damage this can do, have a skim over hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy

Essentially: adults concerned with the long term well being of children must avoid taking actions that promote psychological repression, self delusion, self loathing and identity related guilt in said children. If the stat is accurate, rejected LGBTQ minors are 8 times more likely to attempt suicide than non-rejected minors. Consider what that does to the already high suicide rates.

What I am saying is that baring actual abuse, it's the parent's rite and job to chose the value system for their children and to teach them that value system. The boyfriend does not have the rite to choose the value system for this child. What he can and should try to do, is support the mother's chosen value system, while trying to actively influence the mother's opinions and values. Maybe the only effect is that the son is sent to a "better" camp. Maybe the effect is that the family starts consouling with a qualified consoluer. But the only thing likely to come from telling a mother...

that she is raising her kid wrong, is putting her on the defensive. This is certainly a case where you want to work to change Mom's mind rather then tell Mom she is wrong because she has a different value system.

I agree that it isn't helpful to just tell someone they're raising their child badly, but I can tell you that simply going along with a parent's decision to enforce a harmful value system has never worked out well in the long run. In most cases the accomplice is hated almost as much as the primary source. The boyfriend isn't choosing the value system for the child, he's just not rejecting the child's basic identity. That's why misgendering is harmful, it's an action that overrides a person's sense of self by force, it's an explicit "you cannot define who you are". That's dangerous to minors.

@coteyr "baring actual abuse" What the mother is doing to her child is actual abuse. It may be emotional abuse rather than physical abuse, but it is just as damaging. Telling someone that they are "degenerate" and threatening to disown them is not appropriate at any level, and supporting that person in that situation is nothing short of enabling abuse.

To go with Kevin Wells' point, not only is it emotional abuse, but some of the "conversion camps" are known to engage in actual physical abuse. I'm not downvoting, because I do agree with much of what you are saying in this answer regarding what the OP is and is not in a position to do. I do fear that you're assuming too much regarding the mother's rights, however, as it comes across as you arguing that, due to the circumstances, the mother is infallible. She is not, and much of what has been described about her response indicates some very dangerous red flags that should not be ignored.

If they've both moved in with the OP, characterizing him as some kind of casual boyfriend who has no say in 2/3 of what is going on in HIS house is a bit of an oversimplification, I think. If I moved in with a significant other, and started to physically beat my child to a pulp because I thought that was the right and moral way to raise a kid, would you say my significant other should just accept it and had a duty to support me, only? That's pretty much what you are saying here - that abuse is fine. That's a pretty bleak and unpleasant view of household and relationship dynamics, I'd say.

@KevinWells in your value system. (I happen to agree by the way) Part of what makes this so tricky, is that it's all based around opinion and values. Remember there are parts of the world where this is a capitol offense. Thankfully we don't live in those parts, but still. Value systems are value systems. They don't need to make sense or be "correct" to exist. Degenerate could be a valid belief. "an immoral or corrupt person." If that's what the mother believes, it's what she believes. It's not nice, it's certainly harmful IMO, and it's why I suggest steering the situation to a consoler.

A third party, with training in these situations, would do much better then any camp. I really hope other options are chosen over the camp option. The camp option is almost the worse. But the simple fact remains. If mom choose horrible, awful, terrible, camp, there's nothing the BF can do. So instead the BF should focus his energies on trying to avoid that outcome via changing Mom's mind and values, not by usurping them.

@coteyr The only value at play here is whether or not the mother's actions make the life of her child worse. I would say the same thing if a child stole a bike and lit it on fire. The response to that is not yelling at the child and threatening to disown them even though the child's actions are immoral. That behavior would still be abusive and I would still be happy to tell the mother not to do that.

If the mother is abusive (and I would consider both prolonged yelling/threatening/insulting to be abusive, along with sending her to a camp that statistically raises the chances of a future suicide) there is actually something the boyfriend can do despite not having legal guardianship, which is to report her to child protective services. That may be a terrible option, and it would almost certainly end the relationship, but sometimes drastic measures are necessary

@KevinWells, Now that we can agree on. If the BF feels there is abuse happening then it's time to step in and call DCF. It sucks, it's a horrible option, but it may be the best one he can actually effect. The down side, is that DCF may not agree, but at least something was tried, and even if DCF doesn't agree they will generally offer help. I also agree that's a last resort. I don't suspect any one with gender identity issues is going to do well in a DCF situation.

"the son is talking about self mutilation, destroying their body, causing massive self harm ... until the job is done ..." I suspect you are making the common mistake of thinking of "transition" and "becoming trans" as necessarily including surgery, and not being "real" or "complete" without it. What this teenager is asking for is nothing of the sort: they want to try living as a girl, dressing as one, using a female name. That is all. That the mother may have the same misconception is an important point, but that is not what the boyfriend/step-father is advocating.

@Andrew Mattson, it's not as clear cut as physical abuse, but if abuse of any kind is happening then see my comment above. The only say he gets over someone else's kid, live in or other wise, is what the parent and to an extent the kid allows.

@IMSoP; I am saying that the kid, and/or the mother may be making that mistake. And to someone in a "defend my child" mode ANYONE not on board, is automatically at the other end of the spectrum. Even, something as simple as here, lets buy you some pink socks, no one will see them and it can be your little secret, can be blown to the proportion of "Let me get my chain saw".

There have been some interesting cases where a court has had to rule on the rights of the child vs the parent's imposed value system... generally it's considered that a parent can only make choices for a child as long as the choices don't result in harm. In cases where the actions of the parent cause harm (or don't prevent harm) it can be considered abusive. Not a road I'd want to go down lightly though.

w.r.t. @IMSoP's comment, they are correct. Just respecting the child's choice of name, pronouns and presentation when at home would make the child much more comfortable and would actually help her evaluate her gender questions. Fooling a GID trained therapist takes more than just saying "give me pills" heh.

@coteyr Right, I see the point if you're saying that's the mother's misapprehension (nowhere in the question do I see any hints that the girl herself is thinking that way). But if that is the case, then explaining that distinction is an important part of the discussion with the mother: "don't panic, we're not talking about surgery here, just letting the kid dress up".

coteyr: Heh, up until about 4 years ago I would have been much less "liberal" than you are. ;) Yes, it's her mother's call whether or not she is able to go to therapy or to the doctor. I don't have any legal say. However, this - "To the mother, the son is talking about self mutilation, destroying their body, causing massive self harm, and going down a path that will make them an "outsider" in almost every situation. And you, her boyfriend, are coming off like, "sure let me go find a chain saw and we'll get started". - is a gross misrepresentation as no one is thinking about surgery.

@IMSoP Thanks that's a great point, approaching it with basically name/pronouns/clothing/accessories is a good start..

@Charlie but is that what the mom thinks is the eventual end to this? A kind of "If I let her ware a skirt, then 20 years from now ..." I think it's important to address concern of Mom's. It' may not be rational or logical, but this is an emotional topic, and often emotions override reason. I think the single most important thing you can do, is get registered with a therapist that specializes in Gender ID issues. That process alone should help show progress to the child, and give Mom some room to maneuver.

Also, coteyr: My girlfriend isn't religious so this has nothing to do with God. I'm the religious one in the relationship. (This religious conflict is the reason we haven't gotten married...but that's another post.) And to be honest, if Emily asked me, I would adopt her in a heartbeat. But I don't want to seem like I'm forcing it on her by suggesting it to her. I rather she bring it up. // "but if the mom want to send her to some "horrible camp" then you should go pick up brochures." -- You're asking me to aid in child abuse, and I can't do that.

@coteyr I need her mom's consent to get her into therapy, though. You yourself noted I have no legal status. I do agree my GF could have those misconceptions though. I just thought you were accusing me of suggesting surgery, etc.

@Charlie, I am suggesting that YOU pick up the brochures so that YOU can be the one that at least limits the negative aspects. If mom want's to send the kid to camp, you have little control, but what you can do is find the "best" camps. Heck you may even be able to find a supportive camp. It's a "better" option then her picking a camp and without knowing sending her so a place that is hell on earth. And once you show your willing to support her, then you can suggest therapy instead.

@coteyr Gotcha, that's a completely different interpretation than what I was thinking! // Can I ask what the "job" is in this sentence? "Explain that until the "job is done", he is still a boy." I'm sure you're not referring to surgery still. // Btw, no counselor is going to tell a trans child that "He needs to accept that he is a he." I know a number of counselors through my religious community and I can assure you any of them would not say anything like this. IDK what counselors you know...

@coteyr, Sorry to keep posting. Every time I read your post I'm a little more confused. For instance, Emily already knows this all too well - "Try to emphasis that this undertaking is a long and hard process that will take several decades. It's not an afternoon under the knife and some pills." I don't need to emphasize that to her, instead, she is emphasizing it to me.

job is done is ambigious. I mean it as some prescribed point. Like a legal name change, or fully waring girls cloths. Or some other event that is decided upon ahead of time. a goal. And my wording may be poor but most consolers i know would want you to be stable and adjusted before making a large decision.

Then ignore that part. I dont know the specific circumstances, but its hard for any 14 year old to make and understa d a decision that will take longer then twice their existing life time to relize. No matter what happens, or how far she want's to go, its a long road, filled with hard times.

OK, "stable and adjusted" is not the same as "He needs to accept that he is a he." TBH I'm having a hard time understanding what you're actually saying, every time I ask for a clarification I'm just more confused. Lol. So I'm going to have to leave it here.

30 years is quite the exaggeration for time to transition. Most people can manage the entire process in 5-10 years, though that's assuming a start as an adult, for someone that can get the blockers it's shorter and involves usually involves less of the painful procedures. That does remind me though, @Charlie you need this link: tsroadmap.com/index.html ... it's a good resource even if some of the things it covers might be scary for a parent.