You could write a function like
ClearAll@modifyThisKeyOnlyIfExists
Attributes[modifyThisKeyOnlyIfExists] = {HoldFirst}
modifyThisKeyOnlyIfExists[assoc_, Rule[key_, value_]] /;
KeyExistsQ[assoc, key] := Set[assoc[key], value];
modifyThisKeyOnlyIfExists[assoc_,
Rule[key_, value_]] := (Message[Association::partw, key,
assoc]; $Failed /; False)