@srutzky I certainly appreciate the interest, but I'm not sure we could enable this on the hosted instance due to needing to enable the CLR on that instance as step #1

A LIKE '%...' WHERE is controlled and we can control that with various throttles (and those are going in place after a memory upgrade in a few weeks), but things like a greedy RegEx can (and have) brought our services to a grinding halt

As @Tim said I'll be delayed because of baby here but happy to discuss it - I'm not sure we can do what you're after here though, the SQL box this runs on is already quite weak...think no-hyperthreading weak. It started as an exercise in what we could an open platform on very, very cheaply as a stepping for other stuff.