@MattЭллен sorry I'm such a slacker. I look forward to reading your post.

@NeilFein It'll be quicker if we do it here.

@KitFox Don't be silly. I'm just sorry I failed figuring out how to make it a story.

@MattЭллен - Right now it reads like Star Wars fan fiction, not what the Nose does at all. But that last line - the mention of L. Skywalker - is fine on it's own, but the joke is somewhat telegraphed. (I figure it out from the "moisture farm" line.)

Maybe find a way to give the situation itself more depth, less obviously Star Wars until you get to the end. Think of it as a situation that we sympathise with despite wishing terrible things on the scammer, letting the punchline be an afterthought that adds to that. (Right now, the story is a silly little thing that exists to service the punchline.)

Does that help?

Star Wars is modern mythology, and it should be easy to make it fit our everyday lives, as the story resonates on many levels.

Do you want a detailed markup of the story, or do you want to play on your own? Tell me what i can do to help!

If you've got time, markup would be interesting. Thanks

@MattЭллен - Okay, sent it to you in a Word file. Just general comments on specific words and sentences. I didn't proofread it.

@NeilFein I will have dinner then I will look at the email, then I will make some changes.

@MattЭллен Great, thanks.

@NeilFein I've had another go. see if that's any better.