@AlexanderGruber Hey, it looks like I'm about to get an answer on the question you're helping me with. I've been talking to a Mr Gilhooley in the comments, and he showed me a graph that does the trick. I guess he'll post an answer with an explanation, and then I don't know what. Let me know if I need to do anything

@AlexanderGruber One thing I need to do is express my huge gratitude to you and everyone else who's been involved in this. I didn't expect this to be such a collaborative effort -- I don't know if it's the culture here on MSE or if I just got lucky that all the right people got involved, but it's extremely gratifying. And I learned some things about how to manipulate curves that I never learned in school at any level. So, to sum up, thank you! Stay safe!