if you would this to me, I would instantly dislike you. you are withholding a gift in exchange for my agreement to spend time together, i.e., you put me in front of a choice "give up your free will or don't get the gift". to hell with you and the gift, imho.

@Federico, So the next time someone tells you "Let me take you out to dinner. My treat." Your response would be: "The hell with you! Give me a gift certificate, or nothing at all." ????

@Federico I don't understand your reasoning. Surely an invitation to go to the concert with me is better then nothing at all?

@StephanBranczyk please spell my name correctly, the system autocomplete that for you, is not difficult. a dinner and a concert are not the same thing. at a dinner you mostly spend time interacting with the other person, and that is clear from the beginning.

@SQB then you have to be ready for the answer "I would like to go to the concert, but not with you". If you're not, and withhold the ticket, you end up giving no gift.

@Federico Taking someone to a concert is a perfectly valid gift. If they don't want it, that's their choice. And OP would indeed not give a gift. OP can take someone else then.

@user5389107 I might not like you enough to go to a concert with you. The spirit of a gift is to give something without expecting anything in return. If you want a benefit for you out of the gift, it is not a gift anymore.

@Federico, What about "Let me take you to the wine country? We'll do a tour of the wineries. My treat." or "Let me take you to the Bahamas. My treat." At a certain point, you have to admit that your argument doesn't make much sense.

@StephanBranczyk my argument remains the same, an invitation is one thing, a gift is another. If you expect something out of a gift you are giving, is not a gift.

@Federico So by your line of reasoning me offering you to come along on a vacation of mine free of charge would not be a gift then? Because I've definitely given away these as birthday gifts and they've been well recieved. I guess it depends on your relationship to the person.

@user5389107 I hope you can see the difference between a trip I would otherwise not do and a concert I would otherwise want to see anyway.

@Federico you do have a valid point; I've edited my answer to address this.

@StephanBranczyk he's not wrong, just a little more black/white in his reasoning, and so are you. Maybe the answer is in the middle somewhere?

I think it's fairly normal that if you refuse the gift, you end up without a gift, but maybe that's just me. If the gift is "we go together" and you say "no" you don't have a gift. Just like if you say "the gift is this ticket" and you say "I don't want it", you don't have a gift...

@Erik do you see the difference between refusing a ticket and a ticket with strings attached?

@Federico they are two different things, but each can be offered as a gift.

You seem fixated on the idea that the ticket already belongs to the friend, but at this point she has nothing and the OP is going to offer her something; it's up to them what the friend is offered.

@Erik good, then we agree that they are different. can we also agree that refusing one is different from refusing the other?

I don't know how you mean that.

let me rephrase

But you are not being offered a ticket.

You are being offered the opportunity to attend the concert with a friend, free of charge.

@Erik oh come on, I begin to be tired of this game. either state your idea clearly or be gone

listen you compared a "I give you this ticket if you come with me" to "ehy, have this ticket". I told you why I think those cannot be compared. either tell me why you think they are the same or stop it

@Erik I am not "fixated on the idea that the ticket already belongs to the friend". I am fixated with the idea that "I give you this ticket if you come with me" cannot be compared to "ehy, have this ticket"

They're just two different gifts, but both seem like perfectly fine gifts to me.

You seem to think that one is a terrible gift and one is a proper gift, which seems to be the main disagreement

yes, and in fact SQB has edited the answer to address the fact that one can actually be a terrible gift

not in a way I find perfectly satisfactory, but at least is now mentioned

Sure, if someone has ulterior motives with a gift then pretty much by definition it's a terrible gift. That doesn't seem to be the question here, though. It's making assumptions about OP's intentions.

pretty much by definition if you give a gift and expect something to come out of it for you, then you have ulterior motives. they don't need to be sentimental motives.

Then I don't think I've ever given a gift without ulterior motives.. I've always hoped the'd make my friends happy because that makes me happy in return ;)

oh yes, that's definitely the point. congratulations.

You're acting like the idea of visiting the concert together is some kind of punishment for the friend here, though. OP seems to want to go together because they think both sides will enjoy that.

you can't know that. I might enjoy the concert, but I might not enjoy you. (this based on the lack of information in the question)

you are making assumptions on the OP's friends intentions

I'm taking the OP at face value when they say they want to offer the gift of visiting the concert together, and I'm assuming the OP knows that it makes no sense to offer a gift you know the other person doesn't want.

and I'm assuming that the OP is not telling the full story. if he knows she would like to go, why specify he would not like her to go with someone else?

If you think important information is missing, you should ask the OP (although someone else has already done that by now, actually)

I've seen that

and OP's edited

@Federico I see your point, but if you're in a position to give a birthday gift to someone, at the very least it seems extremely unlikely that they wouldn't like to spend time with you, so going to a concert with you shouldn't be out of the question

the only doubt is if they will be comfortable to consider it a date since that seems to be unclear in the OP's situation

In OP's edit, it seems there's no ulterior motives or intention of dating at all :)

Honestly, to solve all of these problems, I would probably gift the friend a single ticket and make it clear that I have a ticket also, and propose to go together

I should probably make that into an answer shouldn't I

Yep

@Cronax in a sense that's exactly what I proposed in my updated answer. sorry, I read your comment here only after the edit.

how so?

@SebastianProske I forgot that, yes. I usually go to concerts without seats :D

if the seat is allocated it makes things even easier, they will be sitting next to you anyways

they still may choose to socialize with others instead during breaks

@Cronax if the ticket is for a specific seat, the others seats nearby could have been already sold

removing the opportunity for the boyfriend to join

I am assuming that two tickets were bought by the OP at once

ah, like that

If they don't wish to go together, it would feel a little weird to have to sit next to each other all the time.. probably

also

It is a seated concert, so I would buy two allocated seats.

yeah I wouldn't consider that as part of the equation at all personally...you're giving the other person a concert ticket and proposing to go with them if they like, but if they don't like you're still going to go and it's up to the other party to decide if they want to go and when there, if they want to interact with you

Would talking to her bf beforehand be possible?

I've gone to concerts and movies by myself in the past, there's no need to interact with anyone in order to enjoy yourself, if that's what you feel like

So if he wants to join, you buy 3 tickets, he pays one back, you gift her the tickets together?

if there's a boyfriend in the picture (doesn't seem clear in the OP) and the giftee would like to go with them, then that's up to them to try and arrange

@SirDuckduck hi, welcome :)

The question has been updated Cronax, it does now :)

@SirDuckduck is it possible to tell the boyfriend of your intentions beforehand in secret? so that you can arrange more tickets if he want's to come too?

If I'm friends with someone and I've gone to concerts or other events with them in the past without their boyfriend being there, I wouldn't worry about whether or not the giftee wants to go with their boyfriend or not

perhaps that's a cultural thing, but I don't expect friendships to be affected too much by either party in the friendship acquiring a significant other

Her having a boyfriends shouldn't matter, except that i might offer a date for them as a gift

@Federico the only assumptions that were made are ones that OP themself said. We generally encourage answers to give OP the benefit of the doubt. If YOU want to take into account the possibility that OP is wrong about their friend then thats fine, but don't accuse an answer of being presumptuous when if all its done is believe OP

@Imus Don't have his contact, so would be hard.

But my main question was how to make sure I dont end up buying two tickets for her and an other friend.

That in itself would be easily solved by just giving 1 ticket or even just inviting her on your costs. It only became a new problem since it's fixed seating so you can't invite other people (like her boyfriend) afterwards

Tinkerbell had a good comment on your question too: what is the surprise exactly? giving the tickets, or going to the concert?

In case the surprise is giving the tickets it might also be possible to suggest beforehand that you'll want to arrange the tickets and invite everyone over. Then at her birthday surprise her with the fact that you're giving her that ticket. This way you can ask her who else should be invited to solve your lack of contact information

The tickets, having an actual present (containing the tickets). So she know she is going when she gets the ticket. Not sure how I can ask her who else would be invited (since i already bought the tickets). Nor is this my issue XD.

@Jesse I thought you accepted frame challenges interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/a/1497/9000

@SirDuckduck if your objective is to give her the ticket(s) then I reiterate my answer. Telling her "come with me or don't get the ticket(s)" is hardly a gift.

In my big family it is very common to make self-made voucher as birthday presents. The gift is not only ticket/entry to something but also, to spend time with the gift receiver. It obviously very much depends on the nature of the relation ship.

@Federico you could also view it the other way around. It can be seen as the main gift and not as "strings attached", to gift someone "spending a day together"

@Sip but then you achieve the same result by giving them a ticket and immediately saying "I have another one"

@Federico I agree. But that is not the issue. If I make it clear the tickets are for us, then she will go with me. I'm not gonna get a no, I might get confusion (which is why I asked the question).

why do you think you could get confusion?

If I give an envelope with two tickets, it might not be clear that one is meant for me

then give an envelope with a ticket and a note (verbal or written) that you have another one

No, you don't hand over any ticket. You ask a few day before the birthday "are you free on day XY?". Then on the birthday, you give her voucher with "Voucher for: Spending an awesome day at concert XY with SirDuckDuck as your guide" or something.

@Federico Jeah, I'm indeed leaning to that solution

the premise is of course, that she didn't intent to go to the concert anyways(with or without you)

@Federico of course we accept frame challenges, but i am commenting about THIS answer. Specifically about not accusing it of being presumptuous

Player 5 has entered the arena Personally I totally think this sounds like they're asking her out xD Especially the slightly possessive "she might want to use one to take an other friend". But I tried to answer with a safe middle-ground, invite the +1.

@Jesse I might be using the word differently. how did I accuse this answer of being "presumptuous"?

@Tom the problem seems to be (from the chat here) that the tickets are for seated spots

@Federico "You are making assumptions on the friends intentions"

@Jesse yes, in response to "you're making assumption on op's intentions" (see starred message) if I make assumptions, is it not fair to point out that I am not alone?

@Federico Yeah, I guessed as much, but it's the offer that matters more than the practicality.