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12:00 AM
I need to write a whole 400 level presentation for columnstore by april 7th
 
the good news is no one knows anything about it so everything is 400 level
 
LMFAO
@JoeObbish Send me a copy if you wouldn't mind
I want to see what lvl 400 Columnstore looks like
 
sunil won't answer your questions either?
 
@sp_BlitzErik correct
 
Sunil is busy AF
Also: since I've had my blood taken, I have felt pretty damn good...
 
12:02 AM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft it's all query tuning stuff
you wouldn't like it
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft IT'S A THING I'M TELLING YOU
it'll wear off though
 
Can you add in glitter and make it fun for me?
 
it's like being a reverse vampire
 
@sp_BlitzErik It's never happened to me before, though, and this time my iron was fine but last time it was high along with hemoglobin and RBC
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft no, I have enough problems
 
12:03 AM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft how's your blood pressure?
 
@sp_BlitzErik It was 106/68
 
what the fuck
are you a noodle
 
?
That's pretty standard for me
 
my blood pressure is a good salary
 
LMFAO
you live in NYC, so that's like 280/160?
 
12:06 AM
he weighs 90 pounds
what do you expect
dude will float away if you don't hold him down
 
this is coming from the human dandelion
 
I weigh 156... I can't seem to break that plane
My resting heart rate was 54 the other day
The only cardio I get involves 1 to 2 other people
or watching a hot chick walk by
 
according to fitbit mine is generally around 58
 
That's amazing!
 
@sp_BlitzErik who me? you've met me!
 
12:08 AM
I had my yearly exam yesterday and the doctor was going through the list of questions and he's like "Do you exer... yes"
 
i've met sean too
 
I'm 170
what's wrong with that?
 
you're like 6'5"
 
holy $@$*%@$#%
 
12:09 AM
almost double Sean's weight
 
is that even possible?
that's like... anorexic
 
I'm a little under 6'2"
 
do they only feed you if you make Columnstore work?
 
lol
hard times
 
Can I buy you a cheeseburger?
Should we setup a gofundme?
 
12:10 AM
how much do you weigh Sean?
 
156 pounds @ 5'9"
 
lol 156 pounds
 
Says the guy who has 14 pounds on me
yet 5 inches
 
yeah but I'm not trying to gain weight
I compare all weight lifters to Erik
 
I'm failing at it.. what's your point
 
12:11 AM
he is my frame of reference
the point is that you don't measure up!
 
I'm not as tall as Erik
 
by how much?
 
I've been found wanting, eh?
 
that extra inch makes all the difference, eh?
 
I forget how tall Erik is, but I think he had 3 inches or so on me
 
12:12 AM
so you're a 90 pound manlet
that's what I'm getting out of this conversation
how tall is Paul?
 
@PaulWhite How tall are you?
 
He's slightly over 6 I think
 
and none of that meters stuff
 
12:13 AM
if true you're the shortest one here
that automatically makes you a manlet
 
says the guy form the only country that uses standard now
 
I'm so sorry
 
It doesn't bother me, I have a great power to weight ratio
 
that's what all of the manlets say
what next? "it's how you use it"?
 
I've out grappled and out powered people heavier than I
 
12:15 AM
the fact that you keep track of that proves that you're a manlet
 
i'm like 5'10"
depending on how much i'm slouching
 
@JoeObbish If you say so :)
 
"Selections will be based on the abstract submitted, the speaker’s knowledge, experience, and several other variables to balance the Summit program"
 
I have no idea how much power you generate
not counting the negative power you generate in Columnstore ;)
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft I generate enough power to run the best columnstore implementation IN THE WORLD
fear me
hm I wonder what those unnamed "other variables" are
I just don't know what they could be
 
12:16 AM
@JoeObbish Who you know and who you blow
 
got a low opinion of PMs, eh?
 
Microsoft doesn't run summit
it's just the main sponser
and they present stuff they aren't even PMs over lol
I have a moderate opinion of PMs, like anything else. Some of amazing and some are so bad... it's.. yeah
 
so that's why no one would tell us who the PMs are
"who's in charge of resource governor?"
 
More like it changes by week
 
I don't think there's a more difficult question that you can ask at summit
makes PMs scurry away like rats
 
12:18 AM
probably the same person who PM's over 6 other features not even close to RG
 
LIKE RATS
ON A SINKING SHIP
 
Hi, I'm PM over Azure IaaS, Cloudera, Azure Data Factory, and Resource Governor
 
well that explains a lot
so what should I put in my bio?
 
Notable Columnstore speaker
 
that would be a lie
 
12:24 AM
Hater of the metric system
 
I feel like I should mention how some of my blog posts went viral
but I'd rather shoot myself
 
"i didn't know my dad, ted, too well because he lived in a cabin in montana but he sent me a lot of letters and schematics"
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft yes
 
"i'd sure love to speak at your densely populated conference about technology"
 
9 mins ago, by Joe Obbish
"Selections will be based on the abstract submitted, the speaker’s knowledge, experience, and several other variables to balance the Summit program"
I wonder what "several other variables" means.
 
12:26 AM
Erik I sent you an email
you're my only hope
@PaulWhite diversity
 
Oh dear god equality of outcome
 
what else could it be?
 
@PaulWhite teehee
that gag's got whiskers
 
Erik
I got an "in" for you
 
yo
Interjection: your mom
  1. (pejorative, US, Britain, slang) A general purpose insult, often used to comedic effect due to becoming stale.
  2. Conrad: I am not sure if this phrase is commonly used...
  3. Dominic: Your mom is commonly used.
  4. 2004, Napoleon Dynamite
  5. Deb: Well, isn't anyone else here trying to earn money for college?
  6. Kip: Your mom goes to college.
 
12:27 AM
weightlifters are under-represented in the sql server community. therefore, you should speak at pass summit
 
i made my bed this year
 
good job?
 
like as in new sheets or as in after you get out of bed?
 
oh no my wife makes my actual bed
 
So all you have to do is submit and claim to be in a massively underrepresented arbitrary sub-sub-sub-group of society. SMH
 
12:29 AM
@PaulWhite Welcome to liberal America
 
as a bisexual inuit reindeerkin
 
the PC police are you going to find you guys and ban you from speaking
3
 
i demand to speak about flubbersexual experiences
 
The more "sub" groups you can add to your title the more important you obviously are
@sp_BlitzErik I'd listen to that session
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft right
@sp_BlitzErik throw in transgender
 
12:30 AM
Paul are you willing to give feedback on my speaker bio?
 
@PaulWhite careful, i am wearing thigh highs
 
Erik was uncharacteristically non-critical
 
@sp_BlitzErik That's where I conceal carry too
 
@JoeObbish Sure, at some point, post it here or something.
I was rudely awakened before I was ready by a courier
 
12:31 AM
rudely
 
well it's 518 characters
has to be now or never
 
Well he was very nice but still
 
the drama of deadlines
 
I have no deadline
Or coffee
 
this is your chance to influence the direction of the sql server community for years to come
 
12:32 AM
Or Pete Shelley password, come to think of it
 
am I selling it well?
 
I'm too grumpy pre-coffee for that to make much of an impression tbh
go ahead, worst case, you'll get ignored
 
@PaulWhite Isn't it like 2 pm?
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft 1:33pm
I sleep when tired
 
I need to move to NZ - I like mid day naps
 
12:34 AM
@PaulWhite homosapien
 
They're the best
 
@PaulWhite I wish I could do that, I'd sleep right after the gym every day
 
@sp_BlitzErik sweet as
 
the best sleep I ever get
 
"Joe Obbish has nearly a decade of experience with SQL Server and other database platforms. He works as a query tuning, columnstore, and scalability expert within Epic, a large EHR and analytics vendor in Madison, WI.
In less than two years he became one of the top contributors for SQL Server on the DBA StackExchange community. Joe blogs about advanced columnstore and query tuning topics on his blog, orderbyselectnull.com. In his spare time, Joe enjoys baking and sharing these treats with his coworkers."
 
12:35 AM
I like how you left out all of the recent food poisonings in Madison
 
also, I have no idea what you guys are talking about
 
Seems fine
Though Evan did it in one
 
I didn't spring out of the womb as an MCM
like some people
so it's about the best I can do
 
No one reads them anyhow
 
I could mention that Brent said my cookies were good
or that the score between Paul White and me is 999 to 1
 
12:36 AM
Needs more made-up pronoun
 
that'll make an impression
 
@JoeObbish mistakes?
 
@PaulWhite yes
 
@PaulWhite zhat in glob's name are xiou talking about
 
@PaulWhite a great bio is the key to getting selected to speak!
 
12:37 AM
@JoeObbish I bow to your superior knowledge of the process
Ah coffee is arriving
 
zings from Paul always hurt the most
 
triple espresso om nom
 
... my heart is now palpitating from your caffeine intake
 
@JoeObbish Honestly I have no clue what makes a good bio or abstract for PASS Summit
 
your name, usually
 
12:39 AM
@sp_BlitzErik this
 
They redact that these days eh
 
also age and gender
 
@PaulWhite hard to know, they stopped giving feedback :D
 
@sp_BlitzErik Did they
 
@sp_BlitzErik feedback wasn't useful, didn't you hear?
 
12:40 AM
riiiiiiiiiiiiight
 
you're welcome to pay $5k and go get humiliated in person about it
 
Can I talk through something unrelated to PASS?
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft sure thing, little buddy
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft please
 
sometimes i get the feeling that certain board members take the spite they have for brent out on me since it won't hurt their bottom line
 
12:41 AM
my nickname is actually sneaky-sneak
 
@sp_BlitzErik I thought everyone loved Brent...
 
Alright so let's assume I have a blank database
 
is it a user or system database?
 
@JoeObbish Only the non-rockstars
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft does it identify as blank?
2
 
12:42 AM
I create a table (heap) and a non-clustered index
 
or are you being blankist?
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft I can mute Joe for a while if it helps
 
@sp_BlitzErik Transitionally for a short period
 
@PaulWhite THIS IS MY ROOM, SIR
 
@PaulWhite You just god Mod'd
 
12:42 AM
@JoeObbish For the time being. I have altered the deal, pray I do not alter it any further.
 
in order to create the table
 
room topic changed to stop the merry-go-round: manlets welcome! (no tags)
 
(this is all from memory so I'm not sure how "accurate" it is right now)
Assuming no naming collisions, etc.
I'm first going to search from a free extent on the GAM
Mark that in the system tables as the first page
Find another free extent, create an iam page for the heap
Locate the PFS page holding the ranges and mark the pages
One for the heap information, one for the IAM
Does that sound right?
I was going to look at log records but that takes a minute to setup
 
Roughly yes for 2016+ (whole extent allocated by default)
 
yes, previous the SGAM could be brought in depending on TFs
 
12:46 AM
Exactly
 
Hmm, ok that adds some roadblocks
I might put this on the back burner
 
That was actually part of an interesting discussion with Paul Randal this week
 
An edge case of locking read committed on a brand new heap
 
yeah heaps are weird
 
12:48 AM
One transaction writing 1000 rows to the empty heap, another blocking on that, but seeing less than 1000 rows when released.
By design, but confused some people.
 
Oh I saw that - he forwarded it to the mcm community
Yeah I would never have thought that would happen
Again, heaps be shady AF
 
Oh good. It's also in the SQLskills newsletter.
 
I'm trying to think of "non-hackish" ways to do a extremely performant object level backup and restore
 
Well you don't get to see a point in time view of the committed state of the database if you don't ask for it.
 
however most of the ways I come up with are extremely hackish
 
12:50 AM
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft define: elevel
 
yeah i'm just being a dick
 
I'll give you a very fast way to restore a function definition
for only $19.99
 
coffee complete but caffeine lag
 
12:51 AM
You do it with the dry sense of humor that I like, though
@JoeObbish But does it come with a clock? or a calculator?
 
For those reasons, I'm out
 
why don't you just call DBCC WRITEPAGE in a loop?
you MCMs make everything so complicated
 
Again, I said NON-HACKISH
 
what's wrong with the DBCC commands?
do you have something against Paul Randal too???
such a hater
 
12:52 AM
So you're going to manually twiddle bits in the GAM and system base tables?
because writepage doesn't do any allocations
How are you going to fix up next and previous pointers on the pages?
 
I seem to recall Mladen Prajdić doing something along these lines.
 
@JoeObbish can you look at something on your big server for me?
 
Hmm, might be worth a look. I know there is enterprise software that can do it but most just script the objects out
 
That and it only works by putting the data back into a database it was deleted from
It wouldn't work to single page restore to another database
It's something though
 
12:55 AM
room topic changed to stop the merry-go-round: Gallery, but feel free to request write access [database-internals] [sql-server]
 
@sp_BlitzErik yeah
 
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft Yeah pretty useless you just reminded me of it
 
but it might have to wait
in the middle of a workload
 
@JoeObbish that's fine, no rush
WITH ts_now
    AS ( SELECT dosi.ms_ticks FROM sys.dm_os_sys_info AS dosi )
SELECT      DATEADD(ms, ( ts.ms_ticks - x.timestamp ), GETDATE()) AS event_date, rb.x.query('.')
FROM
            (   SELECT CONVERT(XML, dorb.record) AS record, dorb.timestamp
                FROM   sys.dm_os_ring_buffers AS dorb
                WHERE  dorb.ring_buffer_type = 'RING_BUFFER_RESOURCE_MONITOR' ) AS x
CROSS JOIN  ts_now AS ts
CROSS APPLY x.record.nodes('/Record') AS rb(x);
 
that looks like a virus
 
12:56 AM
can you tell me in the xml output if there's more than one memory node listed
 
Didn't Paul Randal get a patent on object-level restore from a .bak?
 
@PaulWhite checkdb on a backup
 
@sp_BlitzErik Ah, thanks
They should do that
 
@sp_BlitzErik wow, that's a good idea
 
they should, it'd solve many pain points
which means...
they'll do it when people start running checkdb in azure and it costs them money
2
 
12:57 AM
Probably can't afford Paul's royalties
 
@sp_BlitzErik right!
 
@sp_BlitzErik I got 42 rows
was that expected?
 
I just wrote the C++ code to read the bak files
@PaulWhite I have no idea... I don't even know how to check that
 
@JoeObbish Don't forget to demand to speak in your bio based on your white male privilege
@SeanGallardy-Microsoft It was CHECKDB on a backup
 
12:59 AM
brb, cheers
 
@PaulWhite retired sql man kicks out the ladder for the new generation
 
It was uphill both ways when I was a lad
 

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