> If you ever want to feel superior to an elf, go see an expectant father while his mate is in labor. "High-strung" doesn't even begin to describe the state he will be in - bloodless, twitchy, hypervigilant and oscillating during trance like a caffeinated kindergartener. Elves with children spend many years planning for what is known as "the Eon" - the longest and richest period of long-time an elf ever experiences.
> Why elves with children? Simple: they've been waiting a century for a chance at some decent long-time. Elves hear members of other races talk about missing their grown childre…

> Natalie Portman is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the Vanity Fair Oscars party bar. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her in New Girl. She laughs. I get my drink.
"Well, see ya," I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Natalie Portman? She touches her neck as she watches me leave.
Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette.