I think, the core is to find a balance between own needs and the wish to help. — Allerleirauh 45 secs ago

As a girlfriend myself, for me honesty is more important than jealousy. The man should not romanticize about the last visit at this place (with another woman) but if I ask, because I have to know at all costs, it is my own fault... The man I meet is this man because his former relationships made him like this. This I can accept :-) — Allerleirauh 1 min ago

@Allerleirauh That sounds more like an answer than a suggestion to improve the question. Which means this comment is likely to be deleted. Would you mind fleshing it out and posting it as a complete answer instead? — Imus 26 secs ago

You say, you do not feel sorry. If I where in this situation, I do not feel sorry for inviting the second friend without asking the first friend for permission too. But I would feel sorry for the "crack" in our friendship. So this would be for me the reason to apologize (for the crack, not for the invitation). Something like this: "I am sad because we fight last week, can we meet/call to speak over it?" or likewise. (But because it is "apologize" in a sort of way, I do not write it as an answer... — Allerleirauh 33 secs ago

She cannot claim asylum unless she has a well-founded fear of persecution.I don't think the US is generally viewed as a hostile regime. She'll be considered an illegal immigrant and have no access to health care. MY partner's friend is a US born legal resident here and she still had to jump through hoops to get paper work. You mother is likely to get deported if caught. Can you encourage her to come back to canada at least ? — bigbadmouse 1 min ago

Let's assume I do as you say. The other problem might be, that I did stuff with some girls more than others. Say, because I was in those 2 longer relationships, it's natural that (even statistically speaking) I experienced more with those 2 girls than others. What to do in THIS situation? In conversation, it will look like I always talk about only 2 girls which can be annoying to my next girlfriend. Especially that (I don't know how to express this) my "relationship experience and knowledge" comes mainly from them so I may come off (which I did in the past) as constantly comparing. — Colonder 8 secs ago

I wouldn't personally go with the second question. My experience tells me that they're always going to find out either way and it makes the situation worse. — Colonder 1 min ago

@Colonder How frequently do you mention your exes ? I only have one big relationship before my current one, and in the five years of that relationship I maybe mentioned my ex (in the same context as yours) 10 times, max. I did date a guy for a month who mentioned his ex almost every day (which is why that relationship only lasted a month). — MlleMei 1 min ago

From your post and your comments, it isn't really clear : do you only mention your exes when asked with who you did this and that, or do you yourself mention your ex "out of the blue" ? Your comment to Dave Sherohman which says "Especially that my 'relationship experience and knowledge' comes mainly from them so I may come off (and I did in the past) as constantly comparing" gives me the impression you don't only talk about activities you did with exes, but more in depth relationship stuff. If this is the case, you should give use more information to get better answers. — MlleMei 19 secs ago

For example, Dave Sherohman's answer seems really good for the problem you stated (how to less mention exes when doing certain activities), but your comments suggests it is lacking because of other circumstances. — MlleMei 28 secs ago

@MlleMei hmm... definitely not every day, but not 10 times max throughout all the relationship either. I think that I mention them whenever I talk about something that I did in the past that was fun. An example: I can talk about myself, and I can say that I like dancing and I danced ballroom dances for 2 years (which is quite obvious that I had to have a partner). Or (this is a big one) about something that I didn't like about her or generally speaking about women. My first gf (1,5 yr one) was my first-everything so I think I was a little bit biased towards mentioning her more frequently. — Colonder 38 secs ago

@Colonder If I were you I would add this kind of context to the question, since this probably has a direct impact on their reaction when you mention your ex in a more casual setting. — MlleMei 53 secs ago

@Colonder: that is exactly what I implied myself - lying is most likely not the best choice. However, it is a possible solution, and that is why I listed it - but only as a secondary alternative. — virolino 2 mins ago

@MlleMei Depending on how you define "out of the blue". If it's that I start a conversation myself from telling stories involving other girls, then no, since it would contradict what I said about mentioning place and activity and not the girl itself. I might tell something along lines "yeah, I know, I once was in X with Y and did this and that..." — Colonder 1 min ago

I like this answer. I think it's a nice complement to Dave's answer. However, I can clearly see one caveat: what if I say "One of the nice things about that relationship is that I'm now great at ballroom dancing, you want me to teach you?", and she starts with "you had to be great with her together, I can't dance as good as probably she did". On a side note: those 2 years were 2 years ago already so I probably forgot more demanding figures but I guess it would be easy to recall them. — Colonder 1 min ago

@Colonder - The update to the question doesn't really change my answer. But it does make me want to re-emphasize the "talk about female friends (even exes!) the same way as you talk about male friends" part. Would you compare John to your current girlfriend by saying things like "I'm glad that you're not like John because he was always X and Y"? I doubt it, so don't compare her to Mary in that way either. If you want to say something to your girlfriend about herself, as MlleMei said, keep the focus on her, herself. Don't do it by comparing her to Mary (or even to John). — Dave Sherohman 1 min ago

@Upper_Case and his own wife's perspective. — WendyG 1 min ago

"I don't expect you to, I know you're learning from scratch so let's start from the beginning if you're interested." Or if you think you've forgotten some/most of the moves yourself "I'm probably rusty myself as well, so we'll both have to learn anyway." — Imus 1 min ago

I have a few questions for you, that I hope will improve your question and the answers it'll get: a.) Is your current girlfriend expressing that you talk too much about your exes, or is this a problem that you had with your exes and don't want to encounter again in a new relationship? b.) You ask about addressing certain types of questions, then suggest that you might be willing to lie in a few follow up questions. You need to make this decision yourself though, so: Do you want to answer these questions honestly, or twist/lie to avoid mentioning exes? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 18 secs ago

a) the latter one b) only honest ones — Colonder 1 min ago

@Colonder: Why would that be a problem? I mean noone who hasn't danced it before would assume being not worse than someone who did it for 2 years, would they?! — dhein 1 min ago

Thank you. Regarding contradictory statements from my side... as I said, I never start speaking about my exes out of the blue, just because I feel like doing it, in a sense like "oh you know what, I recalled that...". I think what I wanted to convey is that I have a tendency to be a blabber in a conversation, going with the flow and touching topics I not necessarily should, without thinking this through in the first place. — Colonder 37 secs ago

@dhein Some girls are super low-esteem ones, they don't even want to believe in themselves. But I learned already how to quickly recognize a girl like that. — Colonder 15 secs ago

@Colonder: Yeah, so how it is relevant? is your question about just a hypothetical case then? — dhein 12 secs ago

My question, no. My comment, yes. I was interested whether Imus would shed a light on some new perspective I haven't been looking from so far. — Colonder 16 secs ago

Okay. I've given your question a pretty massive overhaul, focusing on the issue of answering questions about events/places you visited with an ex before, and mentioning this is for a future relationship. I also got rid of a lot of extra information that isn't really necessary for answering the question (we need to know what you did and what you'd like to improve, but there were also a bit much random thoughts in there, that I took out). Lastly, I edited the relevant information from your 'edit' section into the main post. Thanks for your quick reply! — Tinkeringbell ♦ 21 secs ago

I'm really sorry and thank you. I think I had a problem to correctly express my thoughts myself.. — Colonder 1 min ago

I have to downvote because in my experience, this just doesn't always work and mentioning other women as I would men fails to avoid further questions. — Tomáš Zato 1 min ago

Hi MlleMei! I'm sorry to say I had to pretty massively edit the question to narrow it down and focus on one specific issue: That OP has a problem with mentioning their exes whenever they come up in a conversation. That meant excluding some details from the question on 'comparing', and also the part about markers that can be used to recognize 'insecure' girls. I've given your answer an edit to contain the right quotes, and remove the part about insecure... I think the rest still stands, I hope you understand :) — Tinkeringbell ♦ 59 secs ago

@Colonder don't worry, that's what we're here for! Next time, you might want to try our Sandbox or chatroom to get some feedback early one and get your thoughts in order. Or just post and answer the comments as quickly as you did :) — Tinkeringbell ♦ 16 secs ago

@Tinkeringbell No problem for me, but I do think that the extra info OP gave is meaningful to give helpful advice to him. It wouldn't surprise me that the heart of the problem lies with OP comparing his dates to his exes (and stuff like that), and that the dates being frustrated when he mentions them more casually stems from this. If my answer no longer fits the question, it can be removed, Imus's answer covers everything I wanted to convey :-) — MlleMei 10 secs ago

@MlleMei I think your answer is fine as it is now: I left parts about comparing dates/exes too (see the new 'quotes') so it still fits as an addition to Dave's answer :) — Tinkeringbell ♦ 37 secs ago

@Tinkeringbell OK then, I quickly scanned it so I missed this :-) — MlleMei 33 secs ago

Hey Imus! I really like how you described the results from you actions as a backup for the approach suggested in your first 'chapter' (about regular friends and non-romantic context), can you do the same (or be as explicit as you were for the first) for the other two? It's a bit missing there, how did using those two approaches work out for you? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 51 secs ago

I know you said you want an option other than apologzing, so I won't put this as an answer but rather leave it as food for thought: Apologizing to someone isn't always about admitting guilt. Sometimes it's just about showing sympathy and building (or rebuilding) a relationship. Compare: "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" (not something you believe - and for the record I'm inclined to agree) vs "I'm sorry things didn't work out, let's keep in touch and try again later." — Steve-O 1 min ago

Does the edited question accurately characterise the past encounters in that you talked about the place, and the girlfriend wanted to know about the people you were there with? If so, it should be pretty obvious you're not "always talking about your exes" - your girlfriends were always asking abut your exes! But if the recurring theme in your honest answers to these questions makes your girlfriend uncomfortable, maybe you have a closely-related, but subtly different, IPS problem - how to avoid the impression you're always revisiting the sites of old dates. — Will 11 secs ago

Oh, heck, I forgot all about it. I'll try to post it in the next few days. Thanks, @ElizB! — TheTinyMan 1 min ago

I'm not too used myself with party rooms in pubs but why book a room for 7 people when you could as easily be sitting at a table in the pub where there shouldn't be any awkward silence ? — Laurent S. 22 secs ago

You are aware that only the provider must maintain privilege? As the patient, you are free to discuss anything with anyone, including the opinions of other providers. — Johns-305 23 secs ago

The kind of pet is relevant as it effects what "Screams" sound like. Are they likely to sound remotely like a human screaming or do you merely describe some animal sound as a scream? The type of animal helps explain this. (If I heard repeated "screams" from the next apartment I would likely call the police in case someone was being harmed... — Vality 5 secs ago

Please note that this question seems to be primarily INTRApersonal, as opposed to INTERpersonel. These kinds of questions are off topic here. We can only answer questions regarding the communication or interaction between several people, not how you personally cope with aspects of other people. For more information, please have a look at the help center, especially What topics can I ask about here?. Please consider editing your question to stay on topic. — Elmy 31 secs ago

I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because there is no interpersonal component or goal — Upper_Case 1 min ago

Hi thom! The question asks specifically about 'how to answer honestly'. Your approach seems to lean towards leaving out details, which some people do consider to be dishonest. Can you explain why you suggest this as an 'honest' approach? Also, can you please take a look at our citation expectations? It's important that answers back themselves up with either the results you had using the suggested approach yourself, or quotes from other references. Did you successfully pull this off in the past? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 10 secs ago

Hi user! I understand you feel the problem may be with the girlfriend for asking this, but what I don't see in your answer is an actual approach OP can use to answer these questions honestly, without coming across as comparing exes. Can you edit your answer to either add that or rephrase it so it becomes clearer which part answers the question? Also, please take a look at the citation expectations for this site. Right now, your answer makes claims about young vs. old without backing them up, can you find a credible source for that? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Hi Johns! Can you do us a favour, and edit in the relevant parts of the pieces you linked, preferably in a way that shows which of the claims in your answer is supported by which source? Links can 'rot', and eventually end up in dead links. By editing in the quotes and attributing them, your answer can stand even if the links break, and people won't have to visit external sites to get their entire answer. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 28 secs ago

Hi Jimmery! You wrote a pretty long answer already, but please take a look at our citation expecations? Right now, this mostly seems like you're analyzing the situation and marking down some thoughts you have on it, but it seems to miss a good answer to 'how to answer honestly'. Do you have any backup (personal experience or references) that show this is hard to do, and that it's better to go somewhere new? — Tinkeringbell ♦ 28 secs ago

Why do you tell your parents these things if they so pointedly ignore tour requests for confidence? — Vality 1 min ago

@Vality in this case, because it's something I started with help from my parents (and I might need their help in finishing it too). Most of the time, it's stuff they're involved in too, that I can't keep secret for that very reason. For example, in the past, they paid for my driving classes, so I couldn't keep the date of my exam secret and had to afterwards spend a few weeks telling family and strangers that no, I didn't pass. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 1 min ago

Hmn... That is tougher. If getting help from someone they generally do have the ability to force stipulations. Ill have to think carefully for a bit if there is any way around it but it likely depends how adamant they are that they are being reasonable and that you are unreasonable to want secrecy. — Vality 1 min ago

"because it's something I started with help from my parents" Then it's their business too unless they signed an NDA. Can you conjure a reason why secrecy benefits them as well? — Johns-305 1 min ago

Can you clarify: Does your wife do here sister's laundry as well as yours or does your sister-in-law do her own laundry, just at your house? — Johns-305 22 secs ago

@Johns yes, and I've explained that to them too in those conversations I mention in the beginning. My question isn't about whether my parents are allowed to disclose this or how I should get them not to do so, so I do not include more specifics than that in my question. It would likely lead to arguments about whether or not I'm right in wanting this, people advising me how to get my parents to stop or not... Like I said, it's safe to assume my parents won't stop doing this on a short notice, so I'm looking for a better way to handle the family after things have been told. — Tinkeringbell ♦ 10 secs ago

So did James pay for the drinks? — user70848 1 min ago

Voting to close as well. Though, I think that if the question was edited to mainly discuss the situation of friend A then question can be salvaged. — Lux Claridge 1 min ago

Is there a hidden x/y problem here, as in "how can I make my girlfriend stop freaking out any time she hears about one of my exes?" — Beanluc 28 secs ago

"My plans with my boyfriend were set before yours, and I'm not changing them" — Blue Pineapple 1 min ago

"My plans with my boyfriend were set before yours, and I'm not changing them" - this is something I told her or tried to explain at least. And also that I made plans with him because he had to travel and had to set on a week asap in order to fit it in this schedule. Before this she didn't tell me there would be such a small window of when she could come, or I'd set up a date with her before I did with the boy. All this I tried to explain already. The second option (assuming bad faith) would break my heart if it turns out to be true. Thank you for your advice — Blue Pineapple 1 min ago

@Tinkeringbell: Just a hopefully-helpful FYI: for a site on interpersonal skills, it's really ironic how you guys (everybody, not just mods) completely wreck the experience of people trying to help with your citation demands. — Mehrdad 23 secs ago

"Whether intentional or not, you've made your priorities clear: the boy is more important to you than your friend." Which do yo think shows that: making plans without checking with the friend, or refusing to change plans? I don't think the latter shows that the boyfriend is more important, it shows boyfriend+keeping commitments is more important. — Acccumulation 1 min ago

@Acccumulation - an interesting observation. I can see it that way, too. For a friend that expected to meet, and expected that they would be able to meet, the friend might feel like the one whose commitment isn't being met, and the friend doesn't feel as important as the boyfriend. I listed the base assumption: one person was more important than the other, but I agree that keeping the commitment is another part of it. — Robert P 37 secs ago

@BluePineapple - I added a little more to the bad faith answer. The nice thing about an empathy based response is it works no matter the other person's goals. :) — Robert P 1 min ago