"Handle this behaviour" is a bit broad and essentially asking us "what should I do?" which we can't answer on this stack. I am vtc'ing for now but if you can outline more specifically what you want to try and accomplish then I think this would make a good question. — Jesse 1 min ago

@anony IPS is all about communication, if no amount of communication will make a difference then any answer here will be equally unlikely to make a difference. That being said, because they are in this state even saying something in plain terms to their face may not communicate the sentiment behind it. So if you can think of a way, it might still be possible to frame this as a communication question even if you have already "made it crystal clear". — Jesse 1 min ago

"drama" was the wrong word, I apologize for that. The point is, that the world is full of tragedy and you have to consider your own well-being before devoting yourself to rescuing this person. That said I am glad the world is a better place with people like the original poster. — Duke Leto 1 min ago

It's only going to get worse. You're probably afraid to break up with her given how you expect her to react. But it won't be long before there is physical violence and given that she is a woman, if you defend yourself YOU will be the one to get arrested. Get out now. Good luck. — Duke Leto 1 min ago

@AbraCadaver Honestly, the US, Canada, and Mexico are very similar. The big difference is that while 15% of Mexicans are fluent in English, while Canadians and USAians both at 15% Spanish speakers. Other than that, they are culturally very similar. At least, in comparison with China, India, Mongolia, etc. — axsvl77 1 min ago

@AbraCadaver Despite all the hype, Mexico, the US, and Canada are culturally very similar. — axsvl77 1 min ago

Have you Just asked if she wishes to talk about hers after mentioning you don’t feel comfortable talking about yours? — mutt 1 min ago

Is Alice stable? She seems like either a liar or is scared about something she isn’t saying and is trying to find something else to pin the blame on Bob for. I frankly don’t think you have enough information or at least you haven’t put it in here. Also the authorities are acting against Bob, is that for just reasons or false accusations? — mutt 1 min ago

What is your position at the company? Are you an intern too? — XtremeBaumer 1 min ago

Why are you concerened with this being inappropriate? In what regard? Company policy, society, the fact that she is leaving and you are not, not knowing her well enough, past experiences, something else? — Raditz_35 1 min ago

why downvote? please explain — Michael 1 min ago

This is a much better way to ask, at the expense of some clarity. I've once fallen back on the much older stereotype of "do you want to view my stamp collection?" - with the result of much laughter and a wonderful night. Using something slightly more ridiculous than a tea (which can be misunderstood) can make your true intentions more clear while still staying in the subtle area and allowing the other person a polite refusal ("sorry, not interested in stamps"). — Tom 1 min ago

This does not provide an answer to the question. To critique or request clarification from an author, leave a comment below their post. - From Review — SQB 7 secs ago

Are you just wanting to inform people that it's your birthday, or would you want them to do something special with this information? — Kozaky just now

What's wrong with her aporoach? Just do it a day in advance — Raditz_35 1 min ago

@Kozaky I just want to inform them. The people I want to inform are ones I barely see/talk to. Also just assume that there was no possibility to tell them in advance — XtremeBaumer 1 min ago

@Raditz_35 I don't say her approach is wrong, in fact, many people here do it, but I still felt embarrased that I didn't knew in the morning. Please just assume that there is no way for me to tell that person in advance. — XtremeBaumer 14 secs ago

If i remember correctly hypothetical questions are off-topic. No idea if that applies here. Perhaps you should ask how to congratulate a person you met earlier? It's pretty common to do that and a nice skill to have, especially if the alternative is feeling pretty embarrassed — Raditz_35 1 min ago

That would indeed be another question, but I want to save people from needing that skill at all — XtremeBaumer 1 min ago

"If she does accept, she knows what might or might not happen in your hotel room" No, no, no, no, no. Please everybody drop all that "she knew what might happen", "he knew what I meant by 'coffee'" etc. out of our minds. Some people, whichever the gender, are just oblivious / candid enough to not know "what might happen". Taking for granted that the other person knows what we mean, a.k.a. magically reading our mind, is a bad idea. If expectations don't match, the sooner you find out, the better. — walen 23 secs ago

although hypothetical, this is a good question for this stack - I can imagine this situation to come up many times in our lives. But maybe you should specify some more details to prevent the question from being too broad. Is this in a group setting or a 1-on-1? Are you already in a conversation or would you start a new conversation for that? You also need to add some goals - as currently written, "Hey, it's my birthday!" would be a good answer. I don't think you are looking for such answers. — Cashbee 58 secs ago

@elliotsvensson since the band was initially formed for practice reasons, I am fairly sure the "didactic value" is about the song's value of learning to play the instrument better. — Cashbee 1 min ago

@Cashbee I hope it's a bit clearer now — XtremeBaumer 33 secs ago

Yes, that's what I meant. It all started as a study group to do our summer homework. — Michele Ippolito 35 secs ago

Please note that the op commented below the question that they are not interested in that approach — Raditz_35 1 min ago

> Why not having a pop-song and make it more interesting with some bluesy licks? Our composition skills are... "lacking". But it could be a good suggestion, we'll try. > Another solution to your problem would be just to jam together instead of playing a song. I'd like to, but as you mention early about trying to match everyone's skill I'm afraid this is too advanced a topic for the other guitar player. > Maybe it is just because you want to play that style or dislike pop? It's more about the fact that I have a blues exam in a few months, regardless of taste :) — Michele Ippolito 28 secs ago

Thanks for the response Karen, but it's not the money owing that is an issue to me (as far as I'm concerned that money is payed, he's said he will, it will just be a matter of time). But the events of this year have resulted in financial circumstances for him that have caused my concern, but money has always been a problem, and I feel professional advice on managing money could be beneficial, so I would like to recommend this as a friend. — dma 1 min ago

Anyway, thank you for your suggestions, I'll keep them in mind and try to work out a compromise. — Michele Ippolito 29 secs ago

Is your friend stubborn in general? — Hawker65 25 secs ago

You don't say where you live - is "out hundreds of dollars" so much that they would be stressed out? Is it the amount of money, or the fact you were scammed? — gnasher729 49 secs ago

I feel like the comic It's my birthday badges work in all situations other than funerals, but I don't know how serious your office is. It's not conversational, but it is darn effective, and requires minimal effort. — dma just now

Fair enough! I still stand by what I said; that having bills to pay will incentivize someone to budget. It's really hard to make some one change their lifestyle as an outsider, rather than their own intrinsic motivation, but if you communicate your concern to him, it might be a wake-up call. Just remember that you cannot force him to change his lifestyle. Best of luck in navigating this situation. — Karen Lowe 27 secs ago

This does not answer OP's question. — Cashbee 15 secs ago

If this ends up in the faq list (I think it's a very good idea), I suggest shortening the title a bit. maybe "How does the recommended question structure look like"? Also I think that we need to take cascabels comment under the answer more seriously and add clearer disclaimers that the structure suggestion is just a suggestion and questions do not have to conform to this in order to be a good question. — Cashbee 54 secs ago

I think it absolutely makes sense to put the policy about backing up the answers in the FAQ. Yes the "Why did my answer get deleted" is also an important one, but they don't exclude each other. The latter should list all possibilities why an answer was deleted, not only missing backup. — Cashbee 30 secs ago

unfortuantely there is no single meta post that summarizes the back-it-up policy holistically. Maybe we should make one? — Cashbee 9 secs ago

@JessK. before I have managed to solve the intrapersonal problem still I experience the interpersonal problem so I thought I could get some advice here. — J. Doe 37 secs ago

Does your birthday coincide with the birthday of any celebrity, historical figures etc? — A J ♦ 1 min ago

@AJ None that I would know of. Also maybe I know that "celebrity", but others have no need to know it — XtremeBaumer 5 secs ago

@AJ Is there a possible birthday where that isn't the case? — Raditz_35 31 secs ago

@Raditz_35 I don't get your comment. Can you explain it a bit? — A J ♦ 26 secs ago

@AJ I'm not aware that there is a day in the year where no celebrities or historical figures that are known to basically anyone were born. If you have an answer based on that idea, you can always make it work - well, unless there happens to be that one day, say 24th of November (it isn't though, Ted Bundy). And even if there isn't, that alone might be a conversation starter — Raditz_35 23 secs ago

i had exactly this when working in Germany. I had some German but it was still hard to join. I would turn this on its head and ask if some of the natives could each spare a few minutes a week to help you with Danish. It would improve your skills and also help them interact with you on a personal level and noting gets approval quite like trying to speak someone's own language better. — bigbadmouse 56 secs ago

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — Cashbee 1 min ago

@Taladris True, I overread that sentence. Thank you for informing me. — R. Schmitz 21 secs ago

This answer does not answer the question. Please read What is the difference between not answering a question and posting a frame challenge? — Cashbee 27 secs ago

@Cashbee definitely. Will the end of the week be soon enough to create the post? — avazula 1 min ago

@mutt: Yes, she is actually stable. I did talk to her before a couple of hours and she did say that she did want some attention back then but I really don't know what she wanted. Maybe she had some feelings (not love, but you know, some “good“ feelings) for him and maybe he did ignored that and that's the reason why she acted like that. She told me that indirectly. — current_user 1 min ago

Can you explain the goal of telling somebody its your birthday? The way I'm reading this, you felt bad about not knowing it was your colleague their birthday (and thus not congratulating them) when you first saw them that day and your goal is to prevent others from feeling that way towards you. If that is correct, ask yourself: would you have felt better if the colleague had told you right away when you first talked that day? They still would have had to remind you and you would have probably felt like they where bothered by you now knowing, since they reminded you specificly in a 1 on 1 talk. — Jory Geerts 38 secs ago

Please red the part directly following my question — XtremeBaumer 1 min ago

it is the pre-planning discussions that I feel fit here. Unless you want to let loads of people know — WendyG 1 min ago

@Tom I agree with you. — axsvl77 8 secs ago

@walen Sure, that's fine. It they don't understand, and just want to drink tea, where is the harm? It they don't understand, and don't come up, also, where is the harm? As I said, bluntness is a huge turn off for most people when it comes to physical intimacy. — axsvl77 36 secs ago

I don't like this one. It suggests that asking is creepy in the first place, and would probably make her more uncomfortable than simply being confident about it. If you are comfortable, confident and frank then it's not creepy. If you are suggesting it's creepy, suddenly it's creepier. — theonlygusti 1 min ago

No problem. Actually, you had my +1 before the edit, since your answer could help other people. Welcome to IPS.stackexchange by the way — Taladris 1 min ago

(1/2) The harm comes later, when two adults are alone in a hotel room but not on the same page about "what might happen". So you invite me to your hotel room to have some coffee and I think "Cool, I enjoy your company, coffee sounds nice" so I say yes; and now you think that I "know what might happen". And then it happens: you ask me (just ask) if I want to get more intimate... — walen 1 min ago

(2/2) ...and now I'm in a super violent situation because I am in a hotel room alone with you asking me this and I don't know you well enough to know how you'll react if I say no? And I'm getting nervous because I wasn't expecting this, should I say nothing? Laugh and expect it was a joke? Run away? Now I'm scared, maybe I should just say yes so you don't get mad? And tomorrow I'll feel like shit no matter what I do... So, no thanks. Don't expect me to "know what might happen". Because if you do, and I don't, things can get ugly. — walen 1 min ago

@Hawker65 Not really. If the options are a) be stubborn or b) make everyone happy, he will choose b) every time. — Imperator 1 min ago

The suggested wording sounds a bit odd, and might give someone pause, even if they were interested in going out. Why not just say something like "I'd really like to get to know you better, would you like to go out for dinner sometime?". Given that there's no power dynamic and no other ongoing relationship, if the intern isn't interested, she can "just say no". — DaveG 24 secs ago

Thank you for the update, I'm happy everything worked out well! Congrats! — ThinkTank 1 min ago

not an answer to the question, just a note by a fellow german: Don't be or feel embarrassed. You had no chance of knowing about it. Make a note in your calendar that repeats yearly with a reminder set for the day before. It's only (slightly) embarrassing if you get 'caught' by it the 2nd time. — Steffen Winkler 55 secs ago

RE “He must have passed some exams at high school level”: where I live the high school music education is of such a low level that all students can enrol, so it has no entrance requirement. If you want to be a professional musician you should have passed this level long before high school and you won’t gain anything by taking music courses there. The best way to get into college level music education is by taking private lessons from a young age. Your first proper exam may well be the entrance exam to (an excellence programme leading to) college. Music school will be rough for Bruce. — 11684 1 min ago

The first two examples seem pretty awkward — Marathon55 1 min ago

@11684 Okay, well maybe the OP can comment on that, otherwise it is just conjecture. I would imagine he has had to pass some kind of exam to get into college, even if it isn't music? And if he hasn't, then yes, music school will be a wake-up call for Bruce. I still don't think the OP should feel any obligation to prepare him for that if he is difficult to convince. — Astralbee 1 min ago

If you are asking this for yourself, then simply send out the "annual solar occurrence" email a day in advance - "Dear colleagues, as tomorrow is my birthday, there will be beer and sausage in the kitchen". — Mawg 1 min ago

But I think your last paragraph is a good description of what generally makes the difference. Good answer. — Marathon55 2 mins ago

@JoryGeerts that is exactly my goal. And yes, I would have felt much better if he told me earlier — XtremeBaumer 27 secs ago

@SteffenWinkler Did exactly that right after I got to learn its that coworkers birthday — XtremeBaumer 40 secs ago

@Astralbee Well, you would need some kind of high school diploma, just not a general music exam. Sorry, I wasn’t quite clear, I felt a bit constricted by the character limit. — 11684 1 min ago

Hello, It doesn't warrant an answer but I had a friend that suffered similar problems. Very low energy, getting tired quickly, low motivation for anything. It turned out to be Iron Deficiency Anemia. Have you by any chance checked for that? It is a simple blood test and sometimes when the case is milder it isn't something that doctors check for right away. — Ontamu 46 secs ago

This is not avoidance. It's a boundary. "You are engaging in unacceptable behavior, and I will not be around it." @heapOverflow find a way to exit the situation, perhaps go to a different room. — Peter 50 secs ago

I would like to point out too, that this approach is seeing in many tv shows and movies not only in that Seinfeld episode, probably for the many reasons you enumerated. — Mykazuki 23 secs ago

Why is she telling you these things? That is not clear from your question (the only thing you say about your relationship with here is she is a friend, not the context/interactions when this comes up). Does she feel she needs to defend against you? Or is she just complaining; then why to you? — Jan Doggen 53 secs ago

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — ElizB 46 secs ago

@Randal'Thor out of curiosity, what part of this is considered illegal in some countries (and which ones, if you know offhand)? — Lord Farquaad 1 min ago

The last two bullet points hit the nail on the head. By saying you already have plans, the other party won't feel guilty. — Tom 50 secs ago

@Mawg hands down, that's the best answer and you should post it as one. Just phrase it in the present 'Hey, make sure you have some room left after lunch for the stuff I brought for my birthday today.' XtremeBaumer: Then all is well ;) just don't be a doofus like me and delete your calendar by syncing it the wrong way around. — Steffen Winkler 1 min ago

Hi there! Welcome on IPS. We expect answers to come with explanation about why you think this is a good idea. Furthermore, I think OP specifically said they looked for conversational solutions / not only working for office situations. Do you mind editing your answer accordingly? Thanks in advance. — avazula 1 min ago

I wouldn't bother... birthdays aren't a big deal. It's just another day for everyone else. — ell 1 min ago

...could it be because milk, eggs, and organic grass-fed meat aren't actually bad for you? Humans have eaten them for, you know, our entire history. It certainly sounds to me like you are trying to convert them. Otherwise, why would you care so much? Just talk about other subjects. — ell 1 min ago

I wonder if it can be done non-awkwardly. I find it awkward if someone who I don't know very well (that is, outside my circle of close friends and immediate family) find its necessary to point out when it is their birthday. Unless you're doing something which needs an explanation (throw a party, pay for lunch, share cake...), why would you want to share with me when it's your birthday? — Abigail 1 min ago

I would say this comes across as babbling and overkill, which while sometimes cute (and an ideal opportunity for a "shut-up-kiss") is a bit inelegant. I'd leave it at the first sentence,"I'd like to ask, do you want to spend the night at my hotel?" delivered with a smile. It's honest, it's confident and there's plenty of room for her to say no if she feels it's too soon. And if she does say no, then accept it gracefully. — Ruadhan2300 1 min ago

@LordFarquaad I'll hazard a guess and say it's either Iran, Saudi Arabia or a country not too far from there. — Mast 14 secs ago

@Lord Farquaad Adultery is illegal in some countries. I remember a rape victim being arrested after going to the police to report the rape, because the man who had raped her claimed it was consensual. If I remember correctly it was in Saudi Arabia. — M.Herzkamp 27 secs ago

Is this a girl or a woman? — shoover 6 secs ago

@Randal'Thor Since the question is tagged europe, I wouldn't worry about that. — Mast 31 secs ago

Possible duplicate of It's my birthday! How do I tell people who don't know, who might want to know, without being awkward? — dhein 1 min ago

Happy Birthday, btw - very subtle — Strawberry 1 min ago

@11684 You are correct, he is currently skating on talent in school and is taking lessons with a tough local music teacher. I’m taking with the teacher too, and he frequently complains to me about this teacher as I ‘understand’. But high school poses no major problem to him musically, and the schools he is applying to are solely music. His academics don’t matter too much to them. Basically, as long as he passes his classes, he’s good. He keeps his head down, and avoids notice. — Imperator 58 secs ago

Maybe she's just lazy, though? Some people are. "Laziness looks like burnout on the outside, but is very different on the inside." — kbelder 34 secs ago

@kbelder That's why Burnout should be diagnosed by professionals. She could be just lazy, she could also be suffering every day from the lack of energy to do what we consider "normal". And I don't quite believe that lazy people go to therapy out of lazyness. — YElm 7 secs ago

@Astralbee He has passed many auditions and exams, but almost none of those result in criticism. The little bit of feedback you get in these auditions is in the format he likes: extensive comments on everything that has gone right, with a small suggestion for possible improvement he generally gets glum about before forgetting about it. — Imperator 1 min ago

@Randal'Thor - everyone knows that Rand doesn't know anything about girls. Min definitely controls the hell out of him — Andrew Alexander 7 secs ago

@Cashbee The title was my wording from a now deleted comment, and probably more appropriate as a body - I didn't intend it as a title, anyways. As for disclaimers: I think that's precisely why "recommended" isn't a good idea in the title here. "Are there any suggested question structures?", perhaps, to make it clear there's no single right way and that it's only a suggestion. — Cascabel 47 secs ago

Looking at the definition of both recommended and suggested, I realize what you mean. Edited to take that into account. — ElizB 1 min ago

Is there any literature on people taking years to "recharge their batteries"? I have an ex-wife who behaved in exactly the same way (started off working, gradually cut down, didn't do work around the house, played games till hours of the night, etc), I let it slide (not sure I could have done otherwise) and it didn't end well. I don't think that this is something that Jane is just going to spontaneously recover from after enough rest. — DaveG 37 secs ago

As mentioned in the answer, I only know from first-hand talk about therapy. I'm afraid finding literature that explains psycholological issues in an easy way we (as non-proffessionals) can comprehend is hard. I'm also absolutely sure that you couldn't have stopped the decline of your ex-wife. This kind of change always has to come from within, anything else is just pressure that doesn't help. — YElm 45 secs ago

@axsvl77. Bacon's a bit different though. — Mad Physicist 35 secs ago

@YElm I'm thinking that if Jane is actually suffering some form of chemical imbalance or depression or chronic fatigue syndrome etc, doing nothing is going to be very bad for her. I simply don't believe that it takes a decade to recover from burnout. And in this particular case, Jane is mid-20s. She hasn't had kids or raised a family or worked multiple jobs. — DaveG 1 min ago

@DaveG Excuse me if this sounds rude, but 1. The comments should be used to suggest improvements to the answer, not for discussions. 2. Jane isn't doing nothing. She is doing therapy. 3. If you don't believe something, I encourage you to research. You could even do that by posting a new question on this site, or maybe at StackExchange Psychology. 4. There are thousands of highschool students suffering from burnout because they are overstrained by school and often addiction to social media. Research is starting to see some alarming numbers. — YElm 39 secs ago

I don't know why everyone here is prone to provide you with some solution. It is very simple, you have to let go such a trivial thing. Why you want to look like neurotic or dust free maniac? Urgh! it is age of touch screen. — ubi hatt 1 min ago

"Some even encourage families in the company" -- to clarify, I don't think you're talking about nepotism, but to encourage making a family with someone else in the company — Nic Hartley 1 min ago

+1 because I agree with all that you said, especially the outcome is not up to Thomas. Besides praying with each of them the only other practical thought I had for Thomas is to offer to babysit for Bob and Alice so they can have undistracted time together. — Laura 44 secs ago

This question is a "What should I do?" question- we can't answer this accurately because there are too many different opinions on what should be done. Please edit to narrow down your question to an achievable interpersonal goal, and we can work from there. — ElizB 1 min ago

Side note: FWIW I'm assuming from OP's mention that they are about the same age that there is not a risky power-dynamic, etc. If there is that increases the risk. You always have to tread carefully until you know whether your attention falls on the side of wanted or not wanted! — elrobis 18 secs ago

@NicHartley: yes this is what I meant. Either making a family with someone currently employed or having people from the same family apply. I will update my answer with your comment (sorry, I am not a native speaker and some subtleties sometimes go above my head) — WoJ 54 secs ago

I would bold the comment that you still need to find out if she's interested in getting physical after getting her upstairs. I agree it can come off as robotic and blunt to just invite her up to have sex and that a slower seduction that allows her to gracefully exit without outright rejecting you is best. Just make sure you don't try to ask her up for tea and then just take liberties with her now that you're in private. Still be extremely respectful of her bodily autonomy. — William Grobman 1 min ago

This is a great answer (+1)! But I have one question: Your suggestion is pretty good, but is there maybe something that Bob could do, too? You know, just that he does something to (so that Alice doesn't think that she is apologizes and Bob “ignores“ it). — current_user 26 secs ago

You original wording was more than acceptable; context made it fairly clear. I'm just always paranoid about accidentally misinforming someone who's just skimming. — Nic Hartley 50 secs ago

Bob can choose to accept the apology or not, as well as choose to forgive Alice. Judging from one of your previous examples of Alice's behavior, Bob seems forgiving. But you can't expect him to accept the apology or to forgive Alice, which is something she must be prepared for. — BFG95 32 secs ago