The Awkward Silence

3:50 AM

0

Q: How to deal with toxic ex-girlfriend that tries to stay in contact

So over the summer I met this girl, I am 27 and she is 6 years older than me and we are both relatively successful career-wise. Both own a house and etc. She is a nice person but I don't think we were a match. I have never been in a relationship before and I saw her as my older sister and not as ...

Arthur Hv

6:12 AM

@ExtrovertedMainMan Have a quite strong opinion about that one but no idea how to back it up

Tinkeringbell

6:39 AM

Morning :)

Arthur Hv

7:22 AM

Morning

Tinkeringbell

How's life been, while I wasn't here? :D

Arthur Hv

raging debates about remote at my work

Tinkeringbell

@ArthurHv Oof. Those can get nasty.

(I just scrolled to the 'comments' of one such post on the company's intranet this morning... it was XD)

Arthur Hv

aha. Well there is sound statistics that more people want more remote now. But companies are not letting them. There are indeed health risks but IMHO largely used as an excuse for being retro style management. It's kinda a digital fracture as well.

Tinkeringbell

Yep. What I see is that sometimes, people are becoming very negative towards working from home... if you ask a bit, it turns out these are often people that are either pushed really bad by their own company/management to go back to an office, or that have never been able to work from home in the first place for the entire pandemic....

If you ask the people that did get to work from home, the only 'complaint' I've heard is that they miss a bunch of social interaction... but now that there isn't as much lockdown anymore, and you can go out to restaurants and stuff again with family/friends, even that complaint is heard a lot less: People seem to have stopped feeling the cup of coffee before the standup could replace their need for festivals and restaurants.

Arthur Hv

7:38 AM

I understand completely. I can't understand you would make fulfilling connection over "please fix me this code". If you want to promote an environment where you prevent isolation, you usually do afterworks, casual meetings, that kind of stuff. More importantly you put in place a system where complaints are heard and addressed.

Of course I'd never say we should be all remote and sell our office right now either. My fight is more about freedom for us to decide how we organize it. Right now we have every downsides of both office and remote office without the benefits of either.

Tinkeringbell

I mean, a 'digital' coffee moment works just as well... It also depends a lot on how 'fulfilling' you think your connection with your coworkers should be. Making friends with them is not on the top of my priority list, though it sometimes just happens, I don't feel companies should try to force that.

So no mandatory 'be at the office and be available for friendship'.

@ArthurHv Ugh, yeah, that's not good :(

Alex Robinson

8:39 AM

@ExtrovertedMainMan this question has some really uncomfortable vibes to it

Extroverted Main Man

9:11 AM

0

Q: Should I help my wife boss with a computer?

My wife is working as a contractor in government institution. The payment she get is almost nothing but the place itself is quit good, potentially she can grow up. My wife is extremely responsible on her position, she is always willing to help. Everyone is happy to have such a great colleague lik...

work-environment coworkers

Mithical

@AlexRobinson It needs another downvote before I can VTD it, though.

Alex Robinson

@Mithical there you go

Mithical

9:27 AM

(thumbsup)

Tinkeringbell

9:40 AM

I put the third one there then.

Unregistered accounts are unlikely to return anyways.

Alex Robinson

11:13 AM

now thats taken care of... how is everyone doing?

Arthur Hv

I've been casually considering leaving my job for a better paid, full remote one

Now I think I need a CV

Alex Robinson

that sounds like a pretty nice deal

Arthur Hv

My boss admitted me believing in the fallacy "some people are 10xers"

this alone makes me want to leave honestly,

Alex Robinson

what is a 10xer exactly

Arthur Hv

someone you believe is 10 times more productive than everyone else

Alex Robinson

11:24 AM

ah i see

Arthur Hv

Of course this alone isn't a reason to leave. But I have grown belief that would they even exist, would he hire someone 10 times more productive than everyone else, his tendency to destroy everything that don't go his way of thinking would throw away the supposedly 10xer productivity down the drain anyway. Anyhow, this was used as an argument to go against my advice to hire someone. Supposedly this person wasn't a 10xer.

Finding myself being contradicted in my technical expertise is one thing, but being contradicted on the basis of a borderline discriminatory argument is something that make me wonder if and when I could go breath some fresh air.

Tinkeringbell

12:15 PM

@ArthurHv Yeah, that's ... not a great place to work for. Not saying there are places without any flaws at all, but this would probably be one I wouldn't want to live with either :)

Alex Robinson

1:15 PM

today i learnt what phase shift keying is, kinda neat stuff

Tinkeringbell

What is it used for?

(wikipedia is good at the theoretical overview but gives no practical examples)

Alex Robinson

as far as i understand, its a method of modulating digital data on an analogue carrier

and for someone working at a satellite company i feel like i probably should have known this before today but thats fiiiine

Tinkeringbell

@AlexRobinson Yes I got that from the wikipedia :P But now I still don't have a practical example of when that happens and why it's good XD

Like, do telephones do this? faxes?

printers? :P

Alex Robinson

now that is a good question... i know we use it in one way or another but i dont really know where

Tinkeringbell

Aaaaaagh :P

Sarov

2:01 PM

@ArthurHv That's... completely true, though? Some people are 10x more productive than others. Get Linus Torvalds and someone who learned Hello World yesterday into the same room and ask them both to write a compiler... the difference is going to be a hell of a lot higher than 10x.

The problem is that if you actually find people 10x as good as your average employee, you better be paying them at least 10x the salary, because they're really rare.

@ArthurHv 'borderline discriminatory'?

@Tinkeringbell The quest for knowledge continues.

Morning.

Tinkeringbell

@Sarov The concept of a '10x engineer' carries a bit more than just productivity based on experience though ;) 7pace.com/blog/10x-engineers is a good explanation of what fast became a meme...

Sarov

@ExtrovertedMainMan "The payment she get is almost nothing but the place itself is quit good, potentially she can grow up." I'm hoping the OP is ESL and not legitimately hoping his/her wife will 'grow up' from work!

Arthur Hv

@Sarov Itś not about productivity it's about knowledge. With the same knowledge we're a a lot similar Linus and me. I also absolutely doubt he would beat a .net developer at developing a .net backend.

You have employers that are 10x better fit.

Sarov

Mh, maybe. Geniuses do exist, though. It really wouldn't surprise me if there were, like, a dozen people (out of 8 billion) that are just legitimately >10x better at everything in programming than the average developer.

Arthur Hv

@Sarov It's all about his subconscious idea of a 10xer. Definitely, in his mind it's not an old profile.Unsure about women either

Sarov

2:10 PM

Moulding your hiring processes around those dozen people (none of whom are likely on the job market) is beyond braindead stupid, though.

Tinkeringbell

@Sarov Even if they're 10x better at something, they're not a '10x engineer'. If they're truly geniuses they also should know about e.g. work-life balance and getting paid for every little hour of your time that you sell to your employer :P

Sarov

Ah so you think he thinks 'only young white men can be really good at programming'?

@Tinkeringbell Sure. But (for some things) they'll be 10x as productive given the same amount of time.

Journeyman Geek

@Sarov its a joke ._.

Sarov

I must deconstruct and ruin all jokes!!! :P

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek I mean the first dude to post it on Twitter wasn't joking... He seemed convinced a lot of these 'toxic' things made great engineers. It only became a joke afterwards, because the whole thing was just so ridiculous ...

Journeyman Geek

2:14 PM

@Tinkeringbell Just because he didn't feel it was a joke, and it was kinda sad didn't mean it wasn't a bit of a joke

Sarov

That's an interesting English perspective. Two different meanings of the word 'joke', differing only by intent.

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek I think there's a Schrödingers asshole there: Say something then determine whether it was a joke or not based on the reactions you get :P

Journeyman Geek

Poe's law?

Arthur Hv

@Sarov He told me once "reconversion profiles aren't good'. His past with our female employees make me believe he's more likely to doubt a female developer. He values qualities that are IMHO more present among male employees: self-confidence, performance, being objective and competition-driven...

Tinkeringbell

@JourneymanGeek Similar, yes... but from different perspectives? The law seems to focus on the people on the receiving end of the message, while the Schrödinger theory focuses on the person sending the message :)

Sarov

2:18 PM

@ArthurHv What's a 'reconversion profile'?

Arthur Hv

@Sarov Someone who learn development late in a career

Tinkeringbell

@ArthurHv He probably values a specific outwards expression of those values... females can have all of those values too, it just 'manifests' differently.

Arthur Hv

IDK how to say in English though

Sarov

@ArthurHv Wait, performance? Uh, I'd say that's a good thing to value, but not sure why it'd be a predominantly male trait...

Tinkeringbell

@ArthurHv re-skill/re-education, I believe :)

Mithical

2:19 PM

Career swap?

Arthur Hv

@Sarov I mean there is a bit of a wall in how I can express it in proper English. Performance as the output of employee is a good thing to measure and value. Liking performance as in "I like big and fast car" is a different thing. IDK more appropriate words.

Sarov

You mean like... impact? Big, flashy changes? Preferring people who write shiny new systems over those who quietly fix bugs?

(Also not sure that'd be a male trait, but that one's more debatable I guess.)

Arthur Hv

Yea, and who brag about it quite loudly

Sarov

Right.

Mithical

Performance as in "putting on a show"?

Journeyman Geek

2:22 PM

they rip open their shirts, and challenge you to mortal combat if you reject their PRs.

Sarov

Admittedly that is an important skill, that many developers lack.

I'm not great at it, myself.

(Bragging, I mean.)

I still try, though, because the more I do, the more users trust me. The more users trust me, the more managers trust my department. The more managers trust my department, the less likely we'll be replaced by outsourcing, which would overall be harmful to the company (and very harmful for the department, obviously).

Tinkeringbell

Bragging is hard to do 'just right'.

Sarov

Indeed.

Arthur Hv

My technique: when I achieve something significant I tell in our chat "X is now done/solved" this is usually enough

Sarov

A lot of devs just don't even try... which is bad. It leads to the 'you're only visible when things are on fire' and 'do we really need IT?' problems.

Arthur Hv

2:28 PM

I try to find excuses like detailing impact or giving instructions to be an excuse for the brag

Geeh. The 10xer I am is again blocked by our sprint being full of garbage.

Our product owner is away, and everything to be started is either paused or has incomplete specification

Sarov

Something to bring up in Retrospective! :D

Arthur Hv

Agree

This is not the first time, on top of that. No less than 7 tasks. And not a single one to be started

Sarov

D'you have a pre-planning meeting?

Arthur Hv

We have a planning meeting

But it has become common practice to push unspecified garbage in the sprint. This is just the way it's been done

Sarov

If not, something to consider.
Meet near the end of the Sprint, going over the Product Backlog and ensuring that all Stories there are in a workable form. Then once you get to the Planning Meeting, it's just estimation.

Ah.

Just push it back out then. :P

Arthur Hv

2:41 PM

I will

Ill warn in retro first that for now on this will no longer be tolerated

Sarov

Who is the one pushing it in? Dev, PO, or non-Team member?

Arthur Hv

PO, most probably on the impulse of either customer or the CTO. They treat the BL like some kind of post-it can which is OK... until it reaches our sprint.

We have things awaiting here that are literally just a title.

our PO is part time though. Think I told you but yea.

Sarov

Yeah, the PO shouldn't have the authority to add anything to the Sprint Backlog. That's under the Developers' purview.

> However, the Developers are always accountable for: [...] Creating a plan for the Sprint, the Sprint Backlog;

> The Product Owner is also accountable for effective Product Backlog management, which includes: [...] Creating and clearly communicating Product Backlog items;

Arthur Hv

I think he needs to give up some responsibility in other areas. He's often on site with customers, teaching how to use the product, or leading our internal users team. Hes the man with many hats. I am concerned this is not really good for our team. One more problem on the plie...

Sarov

You're better off than me.

My 'PO' has, apparently, not had time to do a ~1-hour task for my Team in the past month.

Arthur Hv

2:50 PM

woot

Sarov

7:41 PM

var whywouldyounameavariablelikethis = haveyouneverheardofcamelcase;

Extroverted Main Man

9:54 PM

0

Q: How to help (or respond) here where a friend doesn’t like your advice but still wants your help?

I find that it’s particularly hard for me to help someone when they want my help but I disagree on what’s helpful? Especially when I’m seen as an expert. Example: Friend for years messages me, By any chance would you care to see if you could fix my stereo? You mentioned you may be able to look a...

friends saying-no boundaries online-interaction

Extroverted Main Man

11:33 PM

0

Q: How to ask spouse that her decision about my driving ban alone is hurting and insulting

I have bad eyesight and eye condition but fit to drive with glasses. My wife and me had a lot of quarrel where she raised that I miss blind spots and now dangerous driver in night. Lately she won’t let me drive, after several days I asked her why and her reply was you have issue driving in night....

conversations conflict-aversion boundaries rudeness

Transcript for