The Awkward Silence

1:00 AM

0

In the midst of an agonizingly depressive day today on which I hit 27 years 257 days I thought it'd be a good idea to sit and assess myself in terms of the practical aspects of my material existence. Socioeconomic background. I was born in a provincial town of a poor, developing country to a low...

self-esteem

ElizB

1:22 AM

@ExtrovertedMainMan I hope i was kind enough in my comment to inform him that he needs help and we can't answer this.... :P

Em C

1:45 AM

@ElizB looks ok to me.. yeah, I don't think that one can be made on-topic :/

ElizB

@EmC Yeah, looks like it. He seriously needs to find help and part of me wishes I could help but I know I cant

Em C

I'm also a bit concerned by the fact that username is "anonymous" and he's given us that much detailed information :S

ElizB

@EmC yeah....

Em C

I left a comment for the OP about that, just in case

Extroverted Main Man

4:40 AM

0

Q: How to know if you’re in an abusive situation?

Preface: I’m not looking for professional advice or service here; more so general guidelines based on life experience one can use to see if they are in a situation where abuse may be occurring. Situation: In the past I’ve encountered several individuals who have misused the trust I placed in t...

relationships abuse

Em C

4:53 AM

@Noon I finally posted that post, enjoy the reading material :P

and with that.. good night all ;)

dhein

5:54 AM

Morning :)

Alex

Is it now?

dhein

For me? it is :P

Alex

Well it's always morning for someone.

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: How to designate, that I'd prefer having a conversation in english, when someone aproaches me in my native language?

Given an international (work-) environment, I have plenty of coworkers1 not speaking German. It happened already many times to me, that I was having a English conversation with someone not speaking German. Almost always, when a coworker approached me to ask me about something or to join that conv...

conversations germany

dhein

It's always high noon somewhere in the world! :D

Noon

6:34 AM

@dhein I'm not high! :p

dhein

Then you are somewhere else in the world :P

Noon

@EmC Yay! \o/

dhein

6:47 AM

Heh, very cool. I am gonna have a hiking trip this sunday with someone from the great outdoors.

:)

Noon

Wow, that's nice!

dhein

Yeah, I planed to have a multiple days hiking trip and asked over there for things I should consider when planing such a trip. Someone made a very good answer and noted, coming from the same area and willing to join forces. But before having a multiple days hiking trip together she would prefer having a one day trip to check if we get along (makes sense^^) So that trip is gonna be sunday and I am really looking forward to it :)

Tinkeringbell

7:44 AM

@ExtrovertedMainMan Would this really be an Interpersonal Skill?

avazula

8:05 AM

Hi everyone

@EmC Thank you for your answer on my meta post, it's brilliant and helpful. It's also ... hurting :p "lead by example - get out there and show 'em how it's done ;)" -> I ... I thought I was already doing that :p

@Tinkeringbell I think it's at least unclear, for it's not depicting a situation that happened but rather talking about several instances where such situation was encountered

I thought we wanted concrete examples of what happened, what motivates the person to post their question

Tinkeringbell

@avazula Yeah, I was thinking it was likely too broad.

Perhaps this is a good one to discuss on meta.

avazula

@Tinkeringbell I don't know, I cast a vote and am leaving a comment to see whether they're willing to edit and add details

avazula

9:24 AM

Wow, hey, is everyone overwhelmed by New Year's workload?

It's so quiet in here, I don't like that :(

Tinkeringbell

Hahaha I almost forgot. It's Friday! :D

avazula

@Tinkeringbell But Friday should be slower at work thence people should be hanging out around :D

Tinkeringbell

I'm here :)

Thinking of writing up a meta post ;)

avazula

@Tinkeringbell You're here. And always in my heart :D

Tinkeringbell

How would you like a post that asks 'What are Interpersonal Skills'?

I think it may help with defining scope, but at the same time, usually determining scope is done by discussing specific questions, not by discussing word definitions ;)

Also: Hi @M.Höster! Welcome to Interpersonal Skills' main chatroom. If there's anything you'd like to know, feel free to ask!

Noon

9:47 AM

@Tinkeringbell A short time ago I was thinking about asking such a question. But mine was more because of comments that said "no, this is an interpersonal solution" than about a question

@Tinkeringbell I answered it but I was and I'm still unsure about this one. I feel like making it about a specific situation would make it off-topic. But making it a more general "What clue should I be looking for to determine if a situation is toxic/abusing" sounds more interpersonal to me (but I'm not really up to date with the "interpersonal skills" definition)

And, for the fact that it might be too broad, I'm not really good at determining what is and what isn't, so ^^

dhein

@avazula Sorry was just busy having a coffe corner talk with googles head of open source strategy '^.^

avazula

10:07 AM

@dhein No problem, I'm having an extra busy day at work

Tinkeringbell

@Noon I'd say this might be a bit broad because we might not be able to give a list of all signs that a relationship is abusive? In general, 'give me a list of X' types questions are bad.

Every answer is about equally valid (though that goes for most of the answers on IPS). People can just say 'Well, X may be sign'.

dhein

@avazula poor you :x

Tinkeringbell

On the other hand, as you say, recognizing in time when it's better to end a relationship might be an interpersonal skill. I've always struggled a bit with this part... Are we going to limit this site to 'behaviours you use' and is 'recognizing' a 'behaviour'.

Noon

@Tinkeringbell Maybe we should start answering too broad questions with community wiki then. I don't know, I feel that this question (and answers!) is useful and might help a lot of people. That's why I don't want to see it closed. You might be right about asking a meta question about this one

@dhein Wow, nice for you! I hope it was interesting!

Tinkeringbell

@Noon Yeah, perhaps.

> Interpersonal Skills are goal-directed behaviors, including communication and relationship-building competencies, employed in interpersonal interaction episodes characterized by complex perceptual and cognitive processes, dynamic verbal and nonverbal interaction exchanges, diverse roles, motivations and expectancies

That almost sounds like recognizing the 'symptoms' of a situation might be included. Though I'm still a bit hesitant. I just looked at your answer, and it basically seems you've copied the entire wikiHow, without pictures?

avazula

10:17 AM

@dhein wow, that's so cool!

Noon

@Tinkeringbell Yes, I did. Can't really say it's "my" answer ^^

(but I did leave some part out)

Tinkeringbell

See, part of what I kinda not like about the question: It seems more to be asking about 'please share your own horror story so I can compare it to my situation' then 'What does 'science' say are the signs of a bad relationship'

So your answer may be great, but the question isn't so much. We discussed having a few really general community wiki posts before, and perhaps this is one that we can use to close duplicate future questions to, but then it should be more of a 'here's what experts say' then 'here's what I found abusive about my previous boyfriend'

Noon

@Tinkeringbell I didn't read the question like that, but I do agree that basing answer to this question on experience doesn't seem like a good idea to me

dhein

Yeah, it was :) Actually Sarah Novotny had yesterday a keynote speech a Dkom (SAP hosted techCon)and was today having a private talk in our coffee corner for networking and private questions. I attended as I was curious. But apparently I was the only male having been interested in it as I couldn't spot a single other male coworker attending it. Hence the questions having been asked also were going in a direction I couldn't make too much use of, but still it was quite interesting :)

Noon

11:09 AM

I have to automate tests for a web application but, before I start, there wasn't any id anywhere. So I asked for some (on the button) but then I realize I also needed some for "link-button" (links that act as buttons), so I ask for this too. And then I realized I also need an id for this and that, etc, etc.. This is so frustrating when I think I can finally move forward with my test, I realize that there is also this id missing on this next page ><

Tinkeringbell

0

Q: Are questions asking 'How to know/recognize if I'm in situation X' suitable for Interpersonal Skills?

Sparked by How to know if you’re in an abusive situation? This question was asked yesterday, and I'm wondering if it really should be welcome on a site about Interpersonal Skills. The first question this raises for me: Is 'recognize the signs of situation X' really an Interpersonal Skill? I ...

discussion scope specific-question

For those that are bored... or can't 'take it easy' (looking at you, @Noon :P)

Noon

@Tinkeringbell I just finish reading it, I like the idea of putting canonical on meta :D

@Tink If a question is a "duplicate" of a meta question, can we still close it as duplicate? Or do we have to use a costume close reason that links to it?

Tinkeringbell

Yeah, that's a bit of a thing. I think for this one, it would get either a custom reason, or we'd expect people to link to it manually when closing as e.g. primarily opinion based

Noon

Hum, and since it's not closed as a duplicate, the answer might get auto-delete :/ If we go with the meta idea, we should make sure that the question won't be auto-delete (maybe by posting an answer saying "this question have a canonical answer here")

Tinkeringbell

11:24 AM

@Noon Oh, I can migrate this specific question to meta.

And then if it's on Meta you wouldn't close it.

Wait, I think I have an example doppelgreener showed me once.

Noon

@Tinkeringbell My problem was more about the fact that people are less likely to find it on meta

Tinkeringbell

rpg.meta.stackexchange.com/q/5449/42432 Is one of those things I'm thinking of

There, it's part of the faq. I don't think we can make this part of the faq though :/

@Noon That is true.

Noon

@Tinkeringbell We could do a "library of canonical answers" and make the library part of the faq

Tinkeringbell

But that's also... a bit what we need. To avoid a broken-windows effect. To avoid people asking 'Is my relationship abusive, is X abusive, my relationship scores 2 out of 10, is that abusive'...

@Noon That might be one solution, yes, once we have a lot more of those questions.

Noon

@Tinkeringbell A library with only one book on the shelves is indeed a bit sad, but I don't think we need to wait to have "a lot" of those answers to create this library. Anyway, we could still use a canonical-question tag until we create this "library"

Introverted Meta Man.

12:38 PM

1

Q: Are questions asking 'How to know/recognize if I'm in situation X' suitable for Interpersonal Skills?

Sparked by How to know if you’re in an abusive situation? This question was asked yesterday, and I'm wondering if it really should be welcome on a site about Interpersonal Skills. The first question this raises for me: Is 'recognize the signs of situation X' really an Interpersonal Skill? I ...

discussion scope specific-question

Tinkeringbell

Slooow!

IPS Comment Bot

I would add "gaslightning" to the signs of emotional abuse: gives you the feeling that you cannot trust yourself — Iris 48 secs ago

#20581 Iris (101 rep) | A: How to know if you’re in an abusive situation? (score: 6) | posted 5 hours ago by Noon (4558 rep) | Toxicity 0.53290105 | tps/fps: 0/0

Matched regex(es) ["chatty"]

avazula

1:05 PM

@IPSCommentBot tp

IPS Comment Bot

Marked this comment as caught correctly (tp). Currently marked 1tps/0fps

Extroverted Main Man

1:16 PM

0

Q: How to approach an unknown person via email if I only have a name that sounds like her nickname?

So, I am researching master courses opportunities on a university at a different country (Scotland) and I was talking to the course director via email, asking about the workload of the course and he suggested I talk to a student, and gave me her email. When the director gave the student email, h...

strangers email

Em C

1:51 PM

@avazula oh no I didn't mean it like that! that was supposed to be just a general encouragement, not at anyone in particular :)

avazula

@EmC I thought so :) I think it's a good sign, it means I care about the platform :p

Em C

:)

avazula

2:09 PM

@Noon:

0

A: Etiquette about signing card when coworker leaves

In France, it would generally be seen as rude not to sign this card. No matter in whichever situation you mentioned you're currently in. In all the jobs I had, it happened a couple of times that a coworker would leave the team soon after I arrived (not later than a week after my arrival). I didn...

Noon

@avazula I saw ^^ I just want to add that, in my case, I liked the coworker just fine. I still decided to not sign, we are 30 in the office and signing a card when I didn't participate in the "gift thing" seemed wrong to me

avazula

@Noon Erh. Is it too late to sign?

Noon

@avazula Yes but I don't think my coworker know that I didn't

avazula

@Noon Erh. I think that it should have been the right thing to do in that situation (I mean, not the right thing, but the thing that's socially expected) even if you didn't pay for their departure gift

Noon

@avazula People seem to think the same thing as you. I think I should have, at least, took a look at the card to so who sign and who didn't, but it's too late now

IPS Comment Bot

2:21 PM

@CrazyCucumber - sure. Your answer got my upvote anyway, but I was unsure — Rory Alsop 1 min ago

#20584 Rory Alsop (2976 rep) | Q: How to approach an unknown person via email if I only have a name that sounds like her nickname? (score: -1) | posted 1 hours ago by MagoDosMagos (4 rep) | edited 34 minutes ago by avazula (7814 rep) | Toxicity 0.06732139 | tps/fps: 0/0

Matched regex(es) ["chatty"]

Rainbacon

@Tinkeringbell A quick thought about your meta post. I may turn this into a full blown answer later. I think questions about how to recognize X could be on topic if X is an interpersonal skill.

avazula

@Noon Well, I understand your reasoning. IMO they should have presented the card as a greeting card and not something implicitely disclosing who contributed to that gift.

Rainbacon

For example, this question asking how to recognize if someone is flirting or not. It has a defined interpersonal skill (flirting) and is asking how to recognize it. That being said, I don't think the question you based the meta on is a good fit for IPS because of the subject matter.

If I remember correctly we often close questions where professional help is needed, and I would classify abusive relationships as a place where a person would need professional help

Noon

@avazula I don't think they presented it as something disclosing who contributed to the gift. I must say, I was a bit stress by the whole situation and, when I'm stressed my answer to every question tend to be "no, I won't do that" (good luck having me do something when it's the case, I'm harder to move than a strain ^^ )

@Rainbacon Yes, but how would they know that they are in an abusive relationship?

avazula

@Noon I understand. I think this is something you may want to learn by heart, i.e. "how to react when a coworker hand me a card to sign" → zit! "best of luck, Noon". I have such automated mechanisms to interact with NTs in some situations haha

Noon

2:31 PM

@avazula No one handed me a card, it was in someone locker and people had to retrieve it, sign it and put it back if they wanted to sign

@avazula It would have been easier if someone had handed me a card. I could have asked them "What is it? Should I sign?" and know what was expected of me

Do people are downvoting that because they think it's a phrasing request? But why aren't they commenting and voting if it's the case?

Tinkeringbell

@Rainbacon Please do. We could really use the meta activity, and your point about professional help is a good one too. I'd still advocate that 'how to recognize flirting' is broad, perhaps too broad... But mainly because flirting is such a varied thing.

I think that question was reopened partially because it's not just a 'How do I recognize any random flirt' but more of a 'Would any of this indicate she's flirting and how do I move on'.

Rainbacon

2:48 PM

@Tinkeringbell I will, just need to go hunt down all of the relevant metas about professional help

avazula

@Noon I think it's valid

@Noon Erh. I get that :/

Noon

@avazula Well then, maybe two Jo were outraged that someone may thing there name is a nickname :p

IPS Comment Bot

I would upvote it again for your edit, if I hadnt already. A good answer, tho I feel like there might someone come up with a more smooth solution. So I wont accept it yet. :) — dhein 1 min ago

#20583 dhein (913 rep) | A: How to designate, that I'd prefer having a conversation in english, when someone aproaches me in my native language? (score: 1) | posted 2 hours ago by Jesse Steele (159 rep) | edited 19 minutes ago by Jesse Steele (159 rep) | Toxicity 0.020599537 | tps/fp

Matched regex(es) ["chatty", "chatty-no-doubt(@Noon)"]

Rainbacon

@Noon How would we know? We are not trained to spot abusive behavior. Even if someone here has been abused, that doesn't mean that they can easily spot abusive behavior. In the same way, even though I have dealt with depression, I am not qualified to tell someone else that they have it. Even if we were better equipped to diagnose abuse/depression/anything else, doing so in a SE setting is dangerous. These things should be dealt with in a professional setting.

When we come across questions about them, the best course of action that we can take for the health and safety of the OP is to point them towards better resources

Tinkeringbell

I could use some help... I'm trying to write up a question about handling (evening out) power distances when communicating/interacting. In Dutch, there's this concept of 'tutoyeren' vs. 'vousvoyeren', which have to do with the level of formality you address people with. But as English doesn't seem to have a difference between a formal and informal 'you', it also doesn't seem to have a good translation for these words. Would you:

a.) Use the Dutch words with examples from other languages (Dutch, French, German)

Rainbacon

2:57 PM

@Tinkeringbell are 'tutoyeren' and 'vousvoyeren' similar to the German words 'du' and 'Sie'?

Tinkeringbell

@Rainbacon Yes, and to the French 'tu' and 'vous'

Noon

@Rainbacon We wouldn't, but we could tell them: "from this article, here are the sign of an abusing relationship, you have to make your own conclusion based on that"

Rainbacon

I would say to combine your two options. Use the dutch words and provide examples from other languages to help anyone who speaks those languages understand the concept, then also explain in plain English that in Dutch (and many other languages) there are multiple words that would translate to the English word 'you', but that the different words are used in different contexts based on your relationship to the other person

Noon

@Tinkeringbell Why don't you do what you just did? Using the real word (maybe give examples in another language) and explain what it's used for? (I was going to say that I find it perfectly clear, but I'm french, so it doesn't count ^^)

avazula

^ +1

Tinkeringbell

3:03 PM

@Rainbacon I tried that, but it means I now have two paragraphs just to explain the language ... Which isn't even what my question is about, it's supposed to just be a short example of the kind of behaviour I'd like to address. Ah well. I'll see if I can shorten it, then.

Rainbacon

@Tinkeringbell Why not have one paragraph that says "I use the dutch word 'tutoyeren' for informal conversations, like with a friend. I use the dutch word 'vousvoyeren' for formal conversations like if I was addressing my boss at work." Then you can just put those words into the rest of your post and people can refer back to the explanation paragraph

@Noon If our best course of action is to link an article and say "here, you decide". We should probably be closing the question as too broad

Noon

@Rainbacon The linked article doesn't have to be long ^^ Also, that's why the "canonical meta question" was suggested (because of the broadness issue)

@Rainbacon If you want an example of that, just read my answer here

Tinkeringbell

I think ... Perhaps copying all of that to over here isn't entirely what 'makes an answer'. That's another discussion though, but ... To me, this isn't much different from posting the link.

If we are going to make this a canonical question, we might just as well just link to those sites that have the information, with a short summary? A bit like that rpg faq entry I posted this morning?

Noon

3:18 PM

@Tinkeringbell I agree with that. Just copying all this does fell a bit like stealing ^^

Noon

4:26 PM

I posted a question and an answer to it. I really hope my question isn't off-topic/too broad ^^

I guess I just have to "wait and see" (which will be easy because I won't be able to connect until late tonight)

IPS Comment Bot

likely this comment will be deleted but since you've identified that you are skinny, one way to 'level up' would be to start exercising or participating in a new sport. Not only would this help to add some muscle bulk but it could help mask or even fix your uneven shoulders and give you something more to talk about — BKlassen 6 secs ago

#20577 BKlassen (1038 rep) | Q: Where do I stand on the food chain? (score: -3) | posted 15 hours ago by Anonymous (1 rep) | Toxicity 0.23856197 | tps/fps: 0/0

Matched regex(es) ["possible-aic(@Noon)"]

scohe001

@Noon "fack" is usually a euphemism for another 4 letter word that starts with 'f' and ends with 'ck'. Did you mean "fake?"

Extroverted Main Man

4:40 PM

0

Q: How do I avoid making my friend feels like she has to "fack happiness" for me?

Often in my life, I feel like I have to act happy for the benefice of the person talking to me. This happens with acquaintance and coworkers, but also with close family members. So, whenever someone asks me "how are you?" I tend to always answer "I'm fine, thank you". Now, I have this very dear ...

friends

IPS Comment Bot

fixed, 'facking' sounds like you're cursing with an accent :P — BKlassen 1 min ago

Matched regex(es) ["possible-aic"]

Extroverted Main Man

5:59 PM

0

Q: How to jump into a group which is standing in a circle?

OK, so I just moved to a new town, and I want to make some friends. I am Christian, so I expect that I should be able to just jump into a church and meet all kinds of people there. After church people tend to talk and make plans to be social during the week, and the church communities tend to ha...

social-event

El'endia Starman

Oh man, so relatable.

Rainbacon

6:19 PM

@Tinkeringbell @Noon I've answered the meta

Tinkeringbell

@Rainbacon Looking good!

@El'endiaStarman I think we already have one like it, that I answered

8

Q: How to enter a group conversation with relative strangers?

Imagine you're at a party or a networking event, or something along those lines. You're confronted with a large room full of people all talking in small groups. You know nobody or next to nobody here. In this type of situation, what is the most effective, easy and polite way of joining one of th...

politeness social-event parties groups

Rainbacon

Thanks for providing a dupe target :)

Tinkeringbell

I'm not sure... The one I posted was more about professional stuff, in my experience church is a lot less formal. But we'll see what the crowd thinks ;)

El'endia Starman

Yeah, the church one has a second whammy of having low interest in the topics that such groups would likely be discussing.

Tinkeringbell

@El'endiaStarman my advice for church would probably be to get a hold of someone before circles form.

Rainbacon

6:36 PM

@Tinkeringbell That or find a program at the church that would get you involved. For example, every church I've ever been to has events (classes, bible studies, community service, etc...) during the week. Going to one of those could help you get involved and meet a few people, which would make it easier to join a circle

El'endia Starman

@Tinkeringbell That's one way to do it, yeah, but it can be pretty hard if you don't know anyone there.

What Rainbacon said is what I would probably end up suggesting.

Rainbacon

I'm not sure that what I said would really be an interpersonal skill though

Alex

@ExtrovertedMainMan Josephus, Tertulian, and Plato were once pop culture too.

Rainbacon

Though perhaps "Know one of the people in the circle" could be an interpersonal skill for integrating into it

El'endia Starman

@Alex Would they have been though? Hmmmm....

Alex

6:40 PM

@El'endiaStarman Popular culture (also called pop culture) is generally recognized by members of a society as a set of the practices, beliefs and objects that are dominant or ubiquitous in a society at a given point in time.

Popular culture

Popular culture (also called pop culture) is generally recognized by members of a society as a set of the practices, beliefs and objects that are dominant or ubiquitous in a society at a given point in time. Popular culture also encompasses the activities and feelings produced as a result of interaction with these dominant objects. Heavily influenced in modern times by mass media, this collection of ideas permeates the everyday lives of people in a given society. Therefore, popular culture has a way of influencing an individual's attitudes towards certain topics. However, there are various...

Could fit under that definition.

El'endia Starman

I mean, my thinking is that even back then, maybe more so, those people would've only been well-known in intellectual/academic circles.

Maybe they might've been a household name like Einstein or Hawking are today, but I still don't really consider that "pop culture", especially not the subjects they're known for.

Rainbacon

The OP edited the question to focus on "how to interject into an existing conversation about pop culture". Does that seem off topic to anyone else?

Noon

7:20 PM

@scohe001 Oops XD

scohe001

7:38 PM

Anyone know why this question was specifically deleted by an SE employee?

Rainbacon

@scohe001 I can't see deleted questions. What is it about?

scohe001

@ExtrovertedMainMan this one @Rainbacon

Rainbacon

@scohe001 My guess would be that it's because the OP needed professional help. Per this post which quotes another post that was written by shog9, questions like that don't belong on SE.

A direct quote from Shog's post: Indeed, there's a decent chance that leaving a post like this around could end up just making things worse.

scohe001

Hmm I suppose...I was thinking it was more because of the amount of personal information in the post (along with several images). Just wanted to make sure I understood what's happening here. If I don't get a concrete answer I may draft up a Meta post

Rainbacon

That's also possible. Even with the link to the onebox, I only get the first few sentences and then the responses that a few people made in chat, so I can't see all of the personal information or images

It seems more likely that a SE employee would step in so quickly to delete a post with a lot of personal information than for one needing help

scohe001

7:51 PM

Yea I'm thinking the same

Extroverted Main Man

8:20 PM

0

Q: How can I talk about my problems without having people exaggerate their gravity

Note: this is not a call for help or anything, I'm doing fine :) I want to open up and talk about my problems, anxieties and depressive periods. The thing is, I'm used to it and it's often not as big a deal as people see them as. Here's an analogy: imagine someone born with only one arm. When p...

awkward-situations mental-health

IPS Comment Bot

8:52 PM

If you love them let them go? No, you are missing the point of the question entirely. That is not the least bit helpful. — LampPost 25 secs ago

Transcript for