@DavidK You can be rough, if you warn, and set it up as a game. You'r the "devils advocate". He must see it's in his interest, and agree. I once mentored two persons planing to open a business. One a good friend, the other unknown to me. They explained their business, I started to explain what I think. When we somewhat knew each other, I explained that I now want to pose critical questions in a direct, rough way. Ok, I was very rough. It was effective, tiring, and it worked. Later I found out that the unknown was very hurt by roughness personally - even she had no problem. And thanked. — Volker Siegel 1 min ago
12:56 AM
#7899 Volker Siegel (121 rep) | A: How to tell someone not to start a business? (score: 37) | posted 289 days ago by Arcanist Lupus (2454 rep) | Toxicity 0.303992 | Comment on inactive post
1:15 AM
This brings in a value statements about equality and a metanarrative of progress that the OP may or may not endorse and Bob likely disagrees with given his professed "old-fashioned values". Conversation about this will likely sidetrack OP's goals. — sondra.kinsey 1 min ago
#18827 sondra.kinsey (101 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue chivalrous acts? (score: 9) | posted 4 hours ago by apaul (45935 rep) | Toxicity 0.110885166 | edited 4 hours ago by apaul (45935 rep)
1:51 AM
I think an addition that may be useful is explaining that the OP can decline to engage in long or detailed discussions. Your answer applies to short, quickly answerable questions that won't communicate much depth, but if someone is asking for incredibly detailed information, they're impinging on the OP's time, which is rude. I'm inclined to think your answer is more applicable than not, but the OP does mention being "quizzed" on other topics. — jpmc26 53 secs ago
#18661 jpmc26 (164 rep) | A: How do you deal with colleagues, acquaintances asking you for knowledge that you gained with months of effort? (score: 72) | posted 4 days ago by Astralbee (19496 rep) | Toxicity 0.19597313 | edited 3 days ago by V2Blast (237 rep)
2 hours later…
3:31 AM
Really? A friend of mine knows I hooked up with a girl 5 years ago and they'll wind up saying something to my wife? My mother will call my wife by someone else's name? That is ridiculous! Some people might not even know I hooked up with anyone. The truth COULD come out, which is a risk, but saying "She's ALWAYS going to find out" is absurd and a false absolute statement. — Behacad 42 secs ago
#18759 Behacad (101 rep) | A: Coming clean to my girlfriend (score: 64) | posted 35 hours ago by baldPrussian (22044 rep) | Toxicity 0.567914
2 hours later…
5:01 AM
If you don't mind, including "in [countryname]" will help future readers where this also apply. We don't always remember to check your profile where do you live. — Vylix 37 secs ago
#14907 Vylix (6241 rep) | A: Etiquette for a person who has already queued once (score: 42) | posted 124 days ago by Cashbee (3482 rep) | Toxicity 0.24027517 | edited 123 days ago by Cashbee (3482 rep) | Comment on inactive post
1 hour later…
not sure this is worth an answer so as a comment: I work with cryptocurrencies, people sometimes ask me to "just explain that to me" - "It is very complex, start on your own, I will happily answer any specific questions you might have in case you don't understand something in detail, but if you don't invest time in yourself and research on your own, why should I invest time into you, this ain't preschool", sometimes less direct, but semantically equivalent, I also often tell them to buy a book — joschua011 38 secs ago
#18650 joschua011 (101 rep) | Q: How do you deal with colleagues, acquaintances asking you for knowledge that you gained with months of effort? (score: 64) | posted 4 days ago by Mugen (885 rep) | Toxicity 0.19491962 | edited 4 days ago by Community (1 rep)
6:59 AM
#18814 nameemail (19 rep) | A: How to ask my ex if she has a dependence relationship with me? (score: 2) | posted 13 hours ago by Lord Farquaad (2350 rep) | Toxicity 0.4027902
#14907 Vylix (6241 rep) | A: Etiquette for a person who has already queued once (score: 42) | posted 124 days ago by Cashbee (3482 rep) | Toxicity 0.03958584 | edited 124 days ago by Cashbee (3482 rep) | Comment on inactive post
1 hour later…
8:16 AM
Good answer overall, but I'm not so sure about the "the longer you wait, the easier it will be to forgive" part. Some people will see waiting as having spent years of piling lies on top of lies, which can make it harder to forgive. — Dave Sherohman 38 secs ago
#18772 Dave Sherohman (103 rep) | A: Coming clean to my girlfriend (score: 10) | posted 36 hours ago by alexjbrown2 (127 rep) | Toxicity 0.31574872
8:59 AM
I believe the root of this answer is be direct, which is probably the key to solving this issue. He believes what he's doing is right, he believes it's appropriate, and he wants to do nice things for his friend. He's been told he doesn't have to, but that's okay, he's happy to do it because it makes him feel good to do so. Emphasising that it makes OP actively uncomfortable reframes the issue from his inconvenience to OPs.. Which should get through to him more clearly. I also like your phrasing, it's both kind and to the point. Which avoids alienating a good friend. Good answer! — Ruadhan2300 1 min ago
#18822 Ruadhan2300 (677 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 25) | posted 12 hours ago by Upper_Case (8777 rep) | Toxicity 0.1020663
9:46 AM
@Mugen: I have a plain example, too: Making money on the internet. It can take months or years to separate information that is basically scam and only helps the author (by ad-traffic, selling courses, however) from good, valuable information from which you can really make money yourself. In the end, making internet money in a reputable and upright manner is not all that hard, but only once you know how. It's often a signal/noise thing. — phresnel 1 min ago
#18661 phresnel (103 rep) | A: How do you deal with colleagues, acquaintances asking you for knowledge that you gained with months of effort? (score: 74) | posted 4 days ago by Astralbee (19532 rep) | Toxicity 0.22898036 | edited 4 days ago by V2Blast (236 rep)
9:57 AM
I'm not sure this is the best approach, not because of what Spiral Succulent said, but i'd expect the OP to want to avoid the embarrassment that would be caused to Bob when she says this and he says "that's not what was intended" whether it was or not is not the point if it was then he'd be embarrassed that he didn't know or was being so obvious, if it wasn't his intention he'd be embarrassed that his actions have come across that way. yes maybe i'm reading into it but i reckon that's what the OP is trying to avoid — Blade Wraith 1 min ago
#18817 Blade Wraith (266 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 1) | posted 16 hours ago by jcmack (1452 rep) | Toxicity 0.27907053
1 hour later…
11:52 AM
Iffa da guy fromma Napoli only does it to females, he’s lying about the reason. If not, it’s a cultural habit that will be hard to break. But he needs to try or go back to a culture where it’s expected. — WGroleau 45 secs ago
#18812 WGroleau (502 rep) | Q: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 36) | posted 19 hours ago by Jess K. (18370 rep) | Toxicity 0.21508123 | edited 7 hours ago by Aquarius_Girl (277 rep)
#10894 Renaud (101 rep) | Q: How do I handle strangers who want to "borrow" a cigarette and give nothing in return? (score: 64) | posted 214 days ago by Alexander Aeons Torn (1400 rep) | Toxicity 0.20624644 | edited 211 days ago by sphennings (7884 rep) | Comment on inactive post
12:09 PM
"it's not like this is a date" - putting someone in the position of needing to deny something is generally more awkward than putting them in a position to agree with you. I might suggest something like "we're just friends, after all" instead. — NotThatGuy 31 secs ago
#18827 NotThatGuy (2870 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 23) | posted 15 hours ago by apaul (46119 rep) | Toxicity 0.3091418 | edited 1 hours ago by Community (1 rep)
+1 This is the way to go - tell him how is actions make you feel and if he really is a gentleman there is no way he will continue. If he is really trying court you, he will probably continue until you make clear that under no circumstances will there be any chance of a relationship. Don´t expect friendship then. — Daniel 28 secs ago
#18824 Daniel (8240 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 15) | posted 15 hours ago by KRyan (1128 rep) | Toxicity 0.0637799
12:39 PM
I Agree it can work when all you want is being left alone with you main task. But you are also marking yourself as one with low soft skills and hurt your career in the long run. An like I said, it can get you out of your job pretty quickly. You are essentially playing dumb and sabotaging the organisation to get your way. some bosses don´t react well to that kind of behavior. — Daniel 19 secs ago
#18847 Daniel (8240 rep) | A: How to deal with agreements which are made in a dependency situation? (score: -1) | posted 2 hours ago by Ontamu (4499 rep) | Toxicity 0.6079781
1 hour later…
2:01 PM
@OldPadawan In my experience, so-called gentlemen are more likely to take offense at being told to stop that behavior. They sometimes believe their upbringing somehow invalidates how others wish to be treated. — DoritoStyle 55 secs ago
#18812 DoritoStyle (113 rep) | Q: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 40) | posted 21 hours ago by Jess K. (18390 rep) | Toxicity 0.17900826 | edited 9 hours ago by Aquarius_Girl (277 rep)
While overall good advice, I would recommend dropping most of the 2nd paragraph. While old habits are hard to break, imposing hose habits against another’s explicit wish is no longer excusable. 👍 — DoritoStyle 43 secs ago
#18829 DoritoStyle (113 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 4) | posted 16 hours ago by Barmar (161 rep) | Toxicity 0.22443105
I can follow your reasoning in the first part, but not your conclusion. Even if it is selfish to get ones conscious clean, I would still advise to do it, because otherwise it will taint OP´s interactions and ultimately the relationship. I also think you are pretty off on the last part with looking to hurt and therapist statements. After all this is more or less a white lie and nothing uncommon in young relationships. — Daniel 2 mins ago
#18777 Daniel (8239 rep) | A: Coming clean to my girlfriend (score: 21) | posted 39 hours ago by GroovyDotCom (343 rep) | Toxicity 0.2824328 | edited 39 hours ago by GroovyDotCom (343 rep)
I don’t think you intentionally implied this, but it’s there anyway so I hope you’ll consider rereading and editing your answer with the following in mind: This rationalization makes it seem like others should feel bad for denying a “gantlemen — DoritoStyle 17 secs ago
#18843 DoritoStyle (113 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 1) | posted 4 hours ago by Blade Wraith (276 rep) | Toxicity 0.095380284 | edited 4 hours ago by Blade Wraith (276 rep)
2:33 PM
Good answer, although I suggest ignoring the bits trying to guess the intent whatsoever. — DoritoStyle 12 secs ago
#18833 DoritoStyle (113 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 2) | posted 14 hours ago by Negotiate (73 rep) | Toxicity 0.117255084
SE has incentives for sharing! The OP is asking about requests for sharing with no incentive but the demand on his time. This false equivalence may make you feel good or superior, but it's still false. — Jeffiekins 2 mins ago
#18690 Jeffiekins (111 rep) | A: How do you deal with colleagues, acquaintances asking you for knowledge that you gained with months of effort? (score: 11) | posted 4 days ago by Shyam Babu (469 rep) | Toxicity 0.12389279 | edited 1 hours ago by A J (6548 rep)
@RedSonja sounds like a job for HR, I can not imagine the toll having to deal with that every single work day must have on someones health. — René Roth 30 secs ago
#18812 René Roth (101 rep) | Q: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 39) | posted 22 hours ago by Jess K. (18388 rep) | Toxicity 0.04664999 | edited 10 hours ago by Aquarius_Girl (277 rep)
Hiding might look like a good idea, but at the bottom line it hampers true life-long relationship. If I go marry some person for the life, I want my life to be open to that person. Not every detail has to be told - openness is not about peeking into details of some acts, but about how things I passed through moved my soul. That also includes any mistakes or need of forgiveness to others or to myself (in cases where I ruined something). Things which happened in the past reflect in my current thinking and this makes me authentic. No skeletons are waiting in the closet to ruin our relationship. — miroxlav 2 mins ago
#18769 miroxlav (580 rep) | A: Coming clean to my girlfriend (score: 9) | posted 44 hours ago by Nid (141 rep) | Toxicity 0.07108501
@Plamen I wish I could have you read this without the attachment to the situation you have. I feel like you're already being "nice" here and it still doesn't read well. A relationship should be based on equality and just that moment you described with letting her ex call you a pussy and smiling at it would have caused major issues there. — Philbo 30 secs ago
#18852 Philbo (178 rep) | Q: Dealing with double standards from my wife (score: 1) | posted 33 minutes ago by Plamen (6 rep) | Toxicity 0.76644164 | edited 27 minutes ago by Glorfindel (185 rep) | High toxicity
-1 it has nothing to do with what year it is, and the OP doesn't see the problem from a feminist point of view. Also the OP pointed out that she is not bothered by the fact itself, but by its magnitude. The OP also pointed out she doesn't have ideological differences with him, so there is no reason to lie and insert some by force. Don't make this a SJW problem if it actually wasn't one. — vsz 1 min ago
#18827 vsz (352 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 23) | posted 17 hours ago by apaul (46117 rep) | Toxicity 0.22908787 | edited 4 hours ago by Community (1 rep)
3:24 PM
#18731 Pete B. (1299 rep) | Q: Politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship (score: 36) | posted 58 hours ago by Carlos Anyona (186 rep) | Toxicity 0.127582 | edited 5 hours ago by Carlos Anyona (186 rep)
3:37 PM
I suppose i didn't articulate what the goal/issue is, since it draws to much focus on separate cases instead of the big picture. This isn't a jealousy/romantic exclusive issue, its the way i presented it, but the double standards are ever more present in other areas. I have tried talking about it multiple times to no avail, as if she doesn't understand my points of view - we're very different intellectually(she is a book-smart person and very emotional while i'm more sound logic based and resourceful) so she often doesn't get my views on a number of topics and we simply agree to disagree. — Plamen 1 min ago
#18854 Plamen (11 rep) | A: Dealing with double standards from my wife (score: 1) | posted 37 minutes ago by ArtificialSoul (121 rep) | Toxicity 0.10533937
5 hours later…
8:51 PM
@Daniel: I agree with you that "OP wants to hurt SO and breakup" is wild speculation and likely false. I disagree that answerer is off in his suggestion to see a therapist. What's wrong with talking with a therapist? — Meni Rosenfeld 9 secs ago
#18777 Meni Rosenfeld (101 rep) | A: Coming clean to my girlfriend (score: 24) | posted 46 hours ago by GroovyDotCom (381 rep) | Toxicity 0.34686673 | edited 12 minutes ago by GroovyDotCom (381 rep)
9:14 PM
This sounds like a question better answered by legal counsel, rather than strangers on the internet. More a matter of law, than interpersonal skills. — apaul 30 secs ago
#18864 apaul (46119 rep) | Q: How to get something in writing so I have proof the person said it? (score: 0) | posted 1 hours ago by refbobby (488 rep) | Toxicity 0.14248359 | edited 1 minutes ago by scohe001 (8491 rep)
10:07 PM
This is getting a bit off-topic, but I think rather a person should respect another’s autonomy whether or not they meet an arbitrary level of assertiveness. — DoritoStyle 29 secs ago
#18829 DoritoStyle (115 rep) | A: Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me? (score: 5) | posted 24 hours ago by Barmar (171 rep) | Toxicity 0.07063495
1 hour later…
11:23 PM
My wife and I had this conversation some years ago and agreed that for the sake of our mental health and the sake of our marriage - we would make . "our" family the priority instead of relatives. So much happier now! — Noah Goodrich just now
#18860 Noah Goodrich (501 rep) | A: Split Christmas (score: 5) | posted 7 hours ago by baldPrussian (22249 rep) | Toxicity 0.08598764
11:36 PM
Note: If <botname> is the only argument, it can be ommitted and the command will be seen by all bots. If <botname> is "*" all bots will repond as though they've been mentioned.
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!!/off <botname> - Turns off the bot. When the bot is off, it will only respond to !!/on.
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!!/alive <botname> - It'll tell you if it's alive
!!/reports <botname> - It'll tell you what the current reporting settings are for the current room
!!/on <botname> - Turns on the bot (if it isn't already on)
!!/off <botname> - Turns off the bot. When the bot is off, it will only respond to !!/on.
!!/notify <botname> <type> <on/off> - Turns notifications on or off. Currently there are two types: "regex", and "magic"
!!/alive <botname> - It'll tell you if it's alive
!!/reports <botname> - It'll tell you what the current reporting settings are for the current room
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