The Awkward Silence

12:09 AM

0

A while back I met a really cute boy. He has these gorgeous eyes and I can't stop seeing them in my head. Even my boyfriend admits he's attractive. Well anyways, it is kind of awkward because although he knows who I am, we don't really talk that much. I would really love to be able to talk to hi...

spiral succulent

somebody upvoted that^ facepalm

user15026

@ExtrovertedMainMan I really don't get all this "BUT I DREAMED WE KISSED OH NO HOW DO I TELL MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER I DREAMED ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE" - to me, if you let a dream make all sorts of waves in your relationship....that says a lot about your relationship and none of it good. If your SO is going to get jealous over a dream, which you can't control, that's a problem, and on the flip side, if you think a dream indicates you have major feelings for someone, then that's a problem too.

sphennings

@spiralsucculent Someone downvoted that^ facepalm

user15026

We don't even know why we dream, last I checked.

spiral succulent

I can't tell if the question is trolling or written by a teenager

am I old?

user15026

12:19 AM

I am also a terrible person because I'm like "guys you know poly is a thing right" even though in a lot of these "OH NO I HAD BRIEF ATTRACTION TO SOMEONE ELSE THE SKY IS FALLING" cases poly would be a really bad idea but....y'know.

sphennings

@Ash That doesn't even need poly to resolve.

spiral succulent

>I really feel like I should talk to my boyfriend about this dream (my boyfriend and I have something really special, and I think that we will be together ten, twenty years down the road) but I'm so scared that my boyfriend is going to dump me.

sphennings

Plenty of healthy monogamous relationships allow for the possibility of being attracted to people who aren't their partner.

user15026

@sphennings Oh, I know :) Heck, me and my husband are mono (at least for the current forever) and we talk all the time about who we find interesting in whatever ways

user15026

Communication and all that

2

user15026

12:22 AM

@spiralsucculent These statements are so at odds with each other :P

spiral succulent

lmao I know

user15026

sings the "One of these things is not like the other" song

spiral succulent

I read that line and wondered how somebody could write it with a straight face

lmao, its tagged as "awkward-situations'

this question could be our coal standard bad question

user15026

I just kinda...goggle at how many people are like WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER YES and then go "BUT I AM SO TERRIFIED IF I DO ONE TINYTHING THEY WILL LEAVE"

user15026

and like...in a way, I get that, I used to be that, but I did a lot of work on myself and my relationship to myself to get past that

user15026

12:29 AM

but people don't like to do that sort of thing it seems

spiral succulent

im not sure its even a resistance to self reflection and development as much as a blind spot to the need for it

Thats another tough aspect of this site

TheTinyMan

@spiralsucculent Both, I'd wager - both a blind spot to the need for it, and for most of those who have that blind spot and many who don't their self-esteem is wrapped up in already-being-right in unhealthy ways. Our society teaches us that. And toxic monogamy.

spiral succulent

seeing questions that have an intrapersonal solution

user15026

It doesn't help that the world is very insistent that a) you FIND YOUR TWU LUV and the b) EVERYTHING CAN MAKE THEM LEAVE

user15026

I hate that bullshit

user15026

12:38 AM

oh, if they look at another person they will leave you, if you aren't perfect they will leave, if you argue they will leave

TheTinyMan

IMO working on the self is a key element in interpersonal development

spiral succulent

exactly

user15026

It is, but that's a hard thing to really give advice on because it gets too close to the "be my free therapist" line

user15026

and that's....not a good place, and often is problematioc

TheTinyMan

It's not a good place for so many reasons.

spiral succulent

12:39 AM

a lot of interpersonal skills are no-brainers once you work through the idea that other people are equivalently important and complex as yourself and your actions have consequences on those people

user15026

like I don't nkow about other places but here when you get a degree in therapy related stuff they're like "do not do therapy on any friends/family because that's just a bad idea, don't do it for anyone who isn't set up at your practice etc like random people on the street"

user15026

because like....oh god what a mess

spiral succulent

yeah, also, talk about a squishy topic

user15026

There's a reason those sorts of helping professions are so regulated, y'know?

spiral succulent

i agree

user15026

12:40 AM

@spiralsucculent oh gods, yes

user15026

like IPS is squishy enough some days

spiral succulent

yea, intrapersonal would be a mess

user15026

I think it is hard for people to admit that they might be part of their own problem

user15026

it's so much easier to look outward

spiral succulent

agreed

sometimes we work in a bit of intrapersonal into an answer

My answer and the top answer on the cheating wife question last week both remind OP that he and his friends are not innocents in the situation. However, in that case OP's question made it seem like they already knew that

TheTinyMan

1:02 AM

Yeah, I try to do that, too. :-)

apaul

1:17 AM

It's beginning to look a lot like we may have a sympathy vote problem... Or at least someone is consistently upvoting terrible questions.

Extroverted Main Man

-2

Q: How can I have a relationship with this girl?

When I was 15 years old I found saw a girl on Instagram who was 13 years old. She was an amazing girl. I was fall in love but I didn't message her, because i thought she'd block me. So I followed her account. I used to see her pictures everyday. I cannot spend a day without seeing her picture. Be...

relationships online-relationships

apaul

@ExtrovertedMainMan This. Someone up voted this?

TheTinyMan

@apaul Wow, uh. Maybe the account was a smurf? O.o

apaul

@TheTinyMan What?

D.Hutchinson

how much of a bounty draws good attention to a question? 50 seems "cheap" ...

150 maybe? hmm ...

sphennings

1:23 AM

Pay whatever you want.

D.Hutchinson

not for IPS questions ... for another SE site

Oo I see

user15026

Whatever makes you happy?

D.Hutchinson

I see

150

thanks everyone :)

TheTinyMan

@apaul Maybe the OP has another account with upvote privileges.

sphennings

@TheTinyMan I doubt that it was vote collusion.

TheTinyMan

1:27 AM

@sphennings I'm trying to preserve my faith for humanity :'(

apaul

@TheTinyMan try harder ;)

sphennings

Some people really value questions about "getting the girl"

Despite the fact that the OP hasn't ever had a legit interaction with them.

apaul

It seems a lot of people don't know how voting works, or at least that meta question would seem to suggest that.

user15026

I hate that whole "I followed her online so I know she's my soulmate"

apaul

I hate that whole "soulmate"

TheTinyMan

1:33 AM

@Ash It just evidences such a horrible disconnection with reality... I pity these people almost as much as I pity the objects of their affection. Well..half as much.

user15026

Amen to that

sphennings

IMO it's much worse to be on the receiving end.

user15026

It is very exhausting

sphennings

The worst that's going to happen for the OP is some teenage angst which would have happened anyway and some embarrassment when they look back once they grow up a bit.

TheTinyMan

Probably. Much to my shame, for years in high school, I did the putting-someone-who-barely-knows-me-on-a-pedestal thing. My every thought was about this person and how I can try to mold myself into something worthy of her. It was...decidedly not healthy, and it was pretty miserable for me, constantly telling myself that I wasn't good enough to so much as talk to her. Sure...wasn't fun for her either though. It took me three years to stop pining, although I stayed physically away after she really shut me down somewhere in the first of those.

apaul

1:45 AM

@TheTinyMan I suspect that most of us were.

TheTinyMan

Disclaimer: I am not arguing that what I went through was any more difficult than what the recipient of such affections would or did go through

sphennings

I think it's still important to talk about, since hearing people go "I remember when I was young and immature like you, boy was I stupid" can be an effective way to nudge someone towards altering their behavior.

TheTinyMan

Yeah...pretty sure I heard that at least a time or two. :-P There'd be someone better? But this image I'd crafted was *perfect,* all the more so for its unattainability!

I don't even know what I'd say to past-me, haha.

Extroverted Main Man

1

Q: How to politely repel negative suggestive comments about the work morale or atmosphere?

I am part of a group of software developers who work remotely in different parts of the world. Some of us work in the U.S. and some in 3 other countries. The colleagues that work outside of USA are long-term contractors hired through external consulting firms while we in the U.S. are permanent em...

united-states work-environment politeness

apaul

@TheTinyMan "If the guy I was then met the guy I am now he'd beat the s*** out of me."

sphennings

2:07 AM

I'd tell my past self that all my successful relationships grew from existing friendships, and five years later it's the people I remained friends with that still matter, not that I dated them.

apaul

I don't think I would bother to give my past self any advice... Would have caused me to miss too many adventures. I guess the things we live through shape who we are, without the mess I wouldn't be the same person.

sphennings

@apaul I'm thinking more of general advice rather than specific tips like invest in bitcoin in 2010.

apaul

@sphennings Sort of a personal chaos theory... If I've learned anything from bad sci-fi it's that monkeying around with the timeline always has unintended consequences.

sphennings

I can understand that sentiment. Playing the what if game never ends well.

apaul

2:22 AM

Also... Old me would very likely chalk it up to hallucination and disregard the advice anyway.

user15026

@apaul I'd like a little less pain but I also like where I am now, so

apaul

Same here, wouldn't really want the ability to make those choices, or visit those times again.

Extroverted Main Man

2:43 AM

0

Q: Handling monetary issues

In a few weeks from now, I would be in a senior position and would be handling a few activities of the team directly. The concern is not workplace per se, but it is more of dealing with money. Situation 1 Here in India, a few clients provide entertainment fund to their team members. This can b...

work-environment india money

A J

4:28 AM

Morning all!

D.Hutchinson

Morning, dawg :)

A J

dawg?

D.Hutchinson

yeah :)

dude?

bro?

which do you prefer?

homie?

I'm Davidoff Hutchinson

My mom is Swiss and my dad is English - that's how I got my name :)

apaul

5:05 AM

Dude-bro

Sorry, couldn't help it.

D.Hutchinson

haha

@apaul wanna answer my new Meta question? :)

apaul

@D.Hutchinson whatcha got?

D.Hutchinson

the one regarding citation and attribution

I posted it about 10 minutes ago

prob gonna be important, if the community would want more research-based questions and answers going forward ...

apaul

I wouldn't say that Oprah is solid source material, but at least you linked to the source...

Emojis are generally frowned upon in SE posts. Not a huge deal, just a pointer.

D.Hutchinson

really?

Oo I see

I'll remove them, no worries

the Oprah article was good - but yeah, good when compared to a few other articles I read ...

so it was only relative ...

apaul

5:16 AM

A quote is only worthwhile if the person you're quoting is. Not trying to bash Oprah, but it may be better to lean more scholarly than pop culture.

D.Hutchinson

I see

can it get more scholarly, for IPS topics?

I imagine that'd be hard to find ... or maybe not ...

for instance, I referenced some guidelines published out of Cornell's health center website, I think, for that question regarding that person hearing about a rape and deciding whether to tell the girlfriend about it ...

although I possibly didn't post the answer ... cuz the question was closed ... I forget ...

apaul

Mhmm.

D.Hutchinson

Oo I posted and deleted it ...

6

Q: How can I tell my friend her boyfriend is (allegedly) a rapist?

My friend Alice is going out with Bob. Myself and others have seen Bob acting inappropriately with other women (getting very close and caressing) multiple times and we suspect he has slept with other people. Recently, Bob was acting inappropriately with another women at a bar when Alice was in a...

relationships friend-groups sexual-assault

cuz my answer was addressing how the friend should listen to the victim, not in helping her decide how to tell Alice ... the girlfriend ...

apaul

Somethings are better answered out of personal experience...

Perhaps most things.

Admittedly a combination of both is sometimes ideal. But generally if you need to Google to get started, it's probably better to skip it.

D.Hutchinson

I see ...

Introverted Meta Man.

5:27 AM

0

Q: Are there guidelines for citing and attributing an answer?

In an answer to this question, How do I tell a roommate I'm not renewing his lease?, I've tried to attribute each section to the relevant author that was cited in an article - I also gave the link to the article itself. After reading a bunch of articles to try and post the best answer to OP's ...

discussion feature-request moderation

apaul

Still kinda feels like "creative writing"

D.Hutchinson

the quotes from the Oprah article?

it seems helpful ...

apaul

The persona in general, but I think you knew that.

D.Hutchinson

yeah ... it does feel scripted ... when giving it another read ...

apaul

Nice evasion ;)

D.Hutchinson

5:38 AM

huh?

how did I evade?

you're talking about my Oprah article answer, right?

apaul

Nope.

D.Hutchinson

Oo

my Meta question?

apaul

Who are you really? Kinda get the feeling that this whole thing is a mask. Why does a person who's about to leave it all behind to join a monastery care about how posts are cited on SE?

D.Hutchinson

I'm Davidoff Hutchinson - my mom's Swiss and my dad's English.

I'm moving to Tibet in July :) for a 6-month monastic living program

And will also be teaching English there :)

citation and attribution are important ...

though you're right that Oprah's article isn't necessarily the best reference to use ...

apaul, a friend of mine -- not super close to me -- died a few days ago :( there are lots of candles lit for him, near my building. and, I'm only just now learning of his secret life - gang-related stuff. he died pretty violently, apparently, but people aren't really talking about any details; I guess it doesn't matter at this point :(

apaul

Right... Either there's some mental health things going on or you're returning to a script. Or both, both would make a great deal of sense.

D.Hutchinson

5:51 AM

huh?

nah, no script, dude ...

this is real ...

anyway ... we don't have to talk about it anymore ...

just saying ... geez ... life is short ...

one night, I'm talking Knicks basketball with him, and the next night he's gone ...

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