The Awkward Silence

3:01 PM

@Tinkeringbell I think that that thread has been resolved.

@sphennings Good :-) There was a bit of guessing there as to the reason of the downvotes, which is why I sorta felt I should chime in...

But yeah, the fact that the guessing was there in the first place means I did something wrong ;)

sphennings

@Tinkeringbell Ehh... Votes are anonymous for a reason.

Tinkeringbell

@sphennings Well, on second thought, I could just have closed the question as off-topic when it came up, since 'please tell me what I want to hear' is off-topic ;)

Introverted Meta Man.

-2

Q: Option to suggest an edit instead of immediately pushing it?

Some background This is, more or less, related to this question where an accidental keypress made me push an edit that actually made the question worse. I quickly fixed it, pushed, then continued on with further updating before a final push. While it was a slip-up on my end - and one I'll defini...

sphennings

@Tinkeringbell The text of the question is on topic.

I would have contended that close vote the same way I did to the cashier question.

Tinkeringbell

3:06 PM

@sphennings The question was edited to take out the chat part (which is not too bad). Downvotes are anonymous, but sometimes it's not wrong to give a little insight into the thought processes behind them

sphennings

@Tinkeringbell I know I approved it's removal.

I think the thread that happened on meta was a productive one.

Tinkeringbell

Oh sure, not going to deny that ;) I just found it amusing that I left a comment, and then 2 other people start exchanging some comments :P

Introverted Meta Man.

3:21 PM

0

Q: What to do when question was unfairly closed?

This question How can I convince my roommate to switch from a wired connection to wifi? was closed, the reason being "unclear what you are asking". However, the question is very explicitly "how can I convince someone do something". It has a lengthy description, but the question itself is very cle...

discussion

Tinkeringbell

no-longer-needed | interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11008/… and the comment above it too

(Sorry @ArtOfCode, but no chatter is no chatter, not even that nice website of yours)

IPS Comment Bot

3:41 PM

If you are happy with the answers I don't care. But I don't think any of them are a good fit then, imo because it wasn't clear what you are actually asking. You should perhaps consider an edit to clarify the situation — Raditz_35 2 mins ago

#11218 Raditz_35 (193 rep) | Q: Dad wants me to invite his mother to my wedding. How to push it back? (score: 3) | posted 1 hours ago by Alex (16 rep)

Matched regex(es) ["you\\W(really)?(need\\Wto|should)"]

Cashbee

I am thinking about composing a question about "How do I tell my girfriend that I need more alone-time, without making her feel rejected". Do you per chance know if there is a similar Question already? I did not find one, but I don't want to make the effort only to find out it is a dupe...

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Yeah, there's a 'man-time' question ;)

84

Q: How do I negotiate more "Man" time for myself without offending my partner?

I am almost 50, my partner moved in with me a few years ago (I was a widower before then), we have no children. During this period, I've grown a little more frustrated that I don't get much time to myself to do the things that I want to do - I work all day, and when I get home, I have to do what...

relationships united-kingdom

Cashbee

the one with the secret apartment?

oh

Tinkeringbell

Noooo not that one XD

Or there's how do I tell my girlfriend I don't want to meet up

Cashbee

aah hyes i remember that one.

Tinkeringbell

3:45 PM

@Cashbee No link needed then? interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4275/…

Cashbee

i mean the one you linked

you rfirst linked Q is exactly what I was thinking of

no question for me then :(

Tinkeringbell

no-longer-needed | interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11008/…

Seems like someone is stirring the pot again, if someone wants to step in and explain that's okay, but I'm not going to

@Cashbee Well, if you can explain what makes your situation very, very different?

Extroverted Main Man

2

Q: How to ask a friend to do professional work?

A good friend of mine, James, is an unemployed graphic designer with a significant amount of time on his hands. I really like his work and would like to commission him at his desired rate. However, I've asked him somewhat casually (although I did specifically mention that I would pay him his goi...

friends professionalism

Cashbee

@Tinkeringbell No my situation is not different at all. Well ok, I'm not 50 or a widower.. but "How do I negotiate more "Man" time for myself without offending my partner?" is exactly what I was trying to ask

good thing that I asked here first x)

Tinkeringbell

@Cashbee Yeah, no rep for you then :P

Hahaha well, I don't know everything, but that one was a good one :)

They tend to stick :)

sphennings

3:55 PM

@Tinkeringbell Seems like they took the explanation well.

Tinkeringbell

@sphennings Wonder what would have happened if I'd have given it attention

sphennings

@Tinkeringbell Did you see my comment before I deleted it?

Tinkeringbell

@sphennings Yeah, I get the notifications ;)

sphennings

That comment would have been framed differently if you made it but since they didn't double down, they would probably have received it well too.

D.Hutchinson

disagreement isn't equivalent to stirring the pot ...

people are still learning the quirks of IPS SE ...

Tinkeringbell

4:02 PM

> Picture a pot of soup. A lot of ingredients have settled to the bottom, out of sight, until stirred. Metaphorically, a lot of issues/resentments/obligations can drop out of sight when nobody mentions them. One can "stir the pot" to bring issues to the surface, sometimes with malice, but sometimes merely to create awareness and effect change.

So, another one of those comments is stirring the pot.

sphennings handled it well.

Doesn't mean I'm confident it would have went as well if I had reacted personally, that's why I told other people they could do it if they wanted. Part of my training in disengaging I guess

sphennings

@D.Hutchinson A lot of people stirring the pot start by "just asking", when things are explained to them they, they pick apart the answer, and "just ask" another question, this process continues with them continuing to "just ask" questions.

@D.Hutchinson To be blunt you do this a lot.

The thing is that when considering that first question it's impossible to know if someone is asking in good faith or not.

Since that thread has blown up multiple times in the last couple days with people "just asking" that exact question the odds were much higher that they were stirring the pot rather than asking in good faith.

Fortunately it seems like our concerns in this particular instance were unfounded.

D.Hutchinson

@sphennings that I ask questions and then follow-up questions? Sure, I can disagree - doesn't mean I'm actively trying to cause harm.

@sphennings regarding that question, sure - but a new commenter shouldn't be responsible for previous commenters.

tell them to post their own answer - but don't accuse them of stirring the pot.

sphennings

@D.Hutchinson We didn't hold them responsible. That right there is you trying to stir controversy. Knock it off.

Tinkeringbell

@D.Hutchinson Like I said, I looked up what stirring the pot means and it has nothing to do with causing harm. So I don't see why you're so upset.

Right now, it seems like you are stirring the pot too

That can be tiring.

sphennings

@D.Hutchinson Right now, you "just asked" a question. It was explained to you, and now you are "just asking" follow up question but you're adding insinuations to drum up controversy where there isn't any.

2

D.Hutchinson

4:08 PM

"To stir the pot is to agitate a situation to cause a reaction or trouble." is what I got from looking up the definition. People disagreeing doesn't mean they're trying to cause trouble.

sphennings

@D.Hutchinson That's what you're doing right now whether you intend to or not.

2

D.Hutchinson

Ok, I can see how that can come across as stirring the pot, especially given the context of that question - nevermind ...

I want to ask a question about voice projection - what do you guys think?

I'm often told by people that they can't hear me speak ...

friends, cashiers, professors - I'm very soft-spoken, apparently ...

but not sure how to fix it ...

I have a low, deep voice ... I think ...

Em C

@D.Hutchinson what do you want to ask? "how to speak louder"?

D.Hutchinson

so it often comes off as mumbling ...

Em C

I have the same problem and everyone just asks me to repeat or tells me to take theater / public speaking classes :/

D.Hutchinson

4:20 PM

yeah @EmC - I think so - although my teaching evaluations mentioned that I was articulate. so maybe just louder, and that articulation isn't the issue ...

@EmC I see ...

have you done so, @EmC?

and if so, did it help?

Em C

@D.Hutchinson nope I am too shy for that :P but, with practice I have become more mindful of being louder when I need to be, although I still sometimes misjudge

D.Hutchinson

I see ...

Em C

so I asked because improving your projection in general is one problem, and responding to people who are asking you to do so is a different one

also another suggestion I get is to get your hearing checked, sometimes people who can't hear well over- or under-compensate (in my case nope, I'm just quiet)

D.Hutchinson

I see ...

Rainbacon

@EmC That's a good distinction. How to respond would definitely be a good question for IPS. I'm not so sure about improving projection though.

Sid

4:26 PM

@EmC Elaborate a little please..

Em C

@Rainbacon yeah, I'm thinking about that right now :) I could see people calling that "intrapersonal" since it's self-improvement, but at the same time it's definitely a communication (interpersonal) skill

Extroverted Main Man

-1

Q: How to convince my friend to let me invite her ex to our birthday party?

I am a 19 years old male from Canada. I have this friend (Let's call her Alice) who I've known for a few years. Since both our birthdays are on the same date and we have a lot of friends in common, we've been celebrating our birthday party together for the past years. This year, we plan to do th...

friend-groups parties

Em C

@Sid I've been told that some people who lose their hearing talk louder so they sound the same volume to themselves as before, but others end up quieter to match how they perceive everyone else's volume

Sid

@EmC I don't think Public Speaking classes makes you speak louder. It only makes you more articulate in your views.

Em C

@Sid well, if they make you give speeches in front of people in the class? but I don't know, I avoided those as much as possible ;)

Sid

4:31 PM

Heh, I sort of enjoy public speaking. If anything, it's always a nice experience.

sphennings

@Sid Part of public speaking is vocal control tone, volume, and enunciation are all important when giving speaches.

Tinkeringbell

I dunno, somehow speaking louder doesn't sound like an interpersonal skills, more like a problem.

Sid

@sphennings I don't think volume is actually a problem if you use a microphone..

Em C

unrelated note: if I'm making a meta to propose a suggestion (in this case, synonymizing tags), should I put my view in the question or as a self-answer, for voting purposes?

D.Hutchinson

@Tinkeringbell given the problem, say, a confidence / anxiety issue - then how to mitigate it and respond to the other person is an interpersonal skill ... I think ...

Catija

4:34 PM

@Sid Many people who give speeches don't use mics... and when you do use them, learning how to use them properly is necessary.

Having a mic isn't a perfect solution.

Tinkeringbell

@EmC I think there's already one or two, what did they do? I'd say question

Sid

@Catija Hmm. That's probably correct. Didn't think about that...

sphennings

@Sid Working with a mike is a complicated subject, you want to be at the right distance for the particular mike you're using, you need to tailor your speech volume to the specifics of the mike. There is a reason that singers often have a monitor hooked up to their ear so that they can hear what the mike is picking up.

Em C

@Tinkeringbell facepalm yep there are :P incoming meta post..

Tinkeringbell

@D.Hutchinson it's difficult. Like what was said, how to respond is probably a lot better than asking how to speak louder... Speaking softly might be a problem, but I don't see speaking harder as a skill

Sid

4:36 PM

@sphennings Yup. Point taken.

Tinkeringbell

And how to respond isn't that well either, since the answer would be speak louder..

sphennings

@D.Hutchinson Managing anxiety and confidence aren't interpersonal skills, not directly.

Mithrandir

@EmC if it's "should we", answer. If it's "" can we", question.

sphennings

@Tinkeringbell I think that questions of managing volume while talking would be an acceptable interpersonal skill question.

Em C

@Mithrandir hmm that was my original thought also but that's different from the example I was going off of .. interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/2363/…

sphennings

4:39 PM

If they're asking how do I make more or less sound while talking, anyway. I get loud or quiet when I'm nervous how do I not become nervous isn't.

Em C

w/e I'm just going to post, I doubt it will be that complicated

Mithrandir

@EmC meh. I wish they hadn't done that.

Tinkeringbell

@sphennings Hmmm... That would be hard to answer though

But it might work, we need to watch the answers closely then

Cashbee

possible q: "how do I encourage people to tell me if I speak too quietly?"

sphennings

@Tinkeringbell "How can I talk louder without sounding like I'm yelling?" is a question that a vocal coach or a linguist specializing in speech production could provide a lot of useful information on easily.

Or perhaps the question is frame challenged by suggesting improving enunciation, and clarity of speech, since more often than not that's what's making it hard for people to hear you.

D.Hutchinson

4:45 PM

@EmC are you going to post a question about voice projection? Because I was considering it - and perhaps I want to dig a little deeper to discuss possible root causes that are specific to me (and that others could possibly identify with) and how to mitigate it and respond to others effectively. But I wonder whether we'd be posting identical questions ...

Cashbee

@D.Hutchinson that sounds like an intrapersonal question though..

Em C

@D.Hutchinson wasn't planning on it, feel free :) (*taking into account the comments here about on-topic-ness, of course)

Cascabel

It's extremely difficult for people to figure out the specifics online, without being able to actually hear/talk to someone. I'd be wary of questions where the OP doesn't really know the root cause, because it invites a lot of guesswork.

2

D.Hutchinson

I see ...

Em C

@Cascabel yeah - I think that's why it would be hard to answer, because it's inherently not a problem you can express directly via text, even if it is an interpersonal skill

Cascabel

4:51 PM

If you can narrow it down to a specific problem somehow, then it could still be fine, assuming that specific problem is still on-topic here.

Tinkeringbell

@Cascabel Im going to star that and steal it for a meta post ;)

Cascabel

woohoo!

Tinkeringbell

I wouldn't be too happy about it if I were you :P

But I guess that means I can?

Introverted Meta Man.

1

Q: Should we synonymize "coworkers" and "colleagues"?

I was checking out tags earlier and noticed a relatively new one, coworkers. This appears to have been created a couple weeks ago and has been used on 6 questions so far. We also have an older tag, colleagues, which has been used on 8 questions so far. "Coworker" is defined as: one who work...

discussion tags

D.Hutchinson

@Cascabel I think the root causes for me are anxiety and confidence issues -- so, not a physical issue ...

would that be specific enough? or should I narrow it down even more?

Cascabel

4:56 PM

@Tinkeringbell Yup, sure. (Unless the "wouldn't be too happy" means I'm going to get quoted out of context or something.)

Tinkeringbell

no-longer-needed | interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11008/…

Stupid comments

I think that one borders rude as well

Cascabel

I was about to say that - I think it's well over the border.

Em C

@Tinkeringbell sorry, I responded :P but I can delete it in a minute

Tinkeringbell

@Cascabel Nah, of course not ;) I was planning a meta on 'How to ask X' types of questions, and the ' know the root cause ' part might be a good thing to consider, if it is present the how to ask question might be better

sphennings

@D.Hutchinson Confidence issues and anxiety aren't on topic for this site.

D.Hutchinson

5:14 PM

I see ...

sphennings

When thinking about potential questions, go over the VTC reasons, and make sure that none of them apply to your question.

user15026

Basically anxiety and confidence is just you (internal), the site deals with you and other people (external)

D.Hutchinson

I see ...

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