The Awkward Silence

@Catija had to sleep on one with a slow leak during the hurricane... Every couple of hours I'd wake up wrapped in the thing with my butt on the ground.

Catija

@apaul this one does, too. Not quite that slow, by morning we're inevitably rolled up in the middle like a taco.

I don't think I've ever slept on one that actually retained the air level.

apaul

1:20 AM

@Catija I'm guessing things were nice apart from that?

@Catija I hear they make them with a sensor so that they automatically reinflate... Seems like a noisy work around though.

Catija

@apaul We take lots of walks. Otherwise we'd be chasing Bennett all over the house constantly trying to prevent damage to breakable tchotchkes, eating random crap off the floor and terrorizing the cats.

@apaul that's kinda cool... but I think it's likely it'd still wake me up.

apaul

@Catija tchotchkes?

Catija

Use Google.

I'm mobile.

apaul

I did, I'm hoping it's the first definition and not the second? Trinkets, or pretty girls....

Catija

Trinkets.

Haha. I didn't realize that the second definition existed.

apaul

1:27 AM

@Catija low hanging humor, couldn't help myself.

Catija

What did you do? Everything good?

apaul

I spent a good part of yesterday following my nephew Link around. He's almost 2 and likes sticks, mud, and walking towards the street and canal.

@Catija I ended up picking up my mom and going to the huge family thing.

Mom remembered who I was for most of the day, which was nice. She still thinks I'm her brother or my dad sometimes which is a little odd, but I've learned to roll with it.

Catija

@apaul awww. Cute.

@apaul dementia?

apaul

@Catija he's hella cute.

Catija

Link as in Zelda?

apaul

1:32 AM

@Catija early onset Alzheimer's as far as anyone can tell.

Catija

:( sorry.

apaul

@Catija his actual name is Lincoln, but we all know it's Link from Zelda.

Catija

@apaul Ha ha.

apaul

@Catija my bro is super geek. Probably the only way he could get his wife to play along lol

Catija

Are his parents into video games?

@apaul older or younger?

apaul

1:34 AM

@Catija older.

4 years

Catija

How old are you? I don't remember if you've said.

apaul

I'm 33 but curmudgeonly for my age. Too many adventures I suppose ;)

@Catija I actually made a point not to till just then.

Catija

I can delete it if you want.

Also... I'm older than you !!!

apaul

Not necessary, and I'm still arguably more experienced :P

Not that that's a good thing...

Catija

"Experienced" :P probably. But I had a lame, vanilla childhood.

apaul

1:40 AM

People have a hard time reconciling that I have a kids that just turned 16 and 17 today...

Catija

Though I'm sure that some would have preferred it.

apaul

@Catija yup.

Catija

Not that it was perfect or anything.

But by some metrics, easy.

apaul

Nobody has it easy, they just have it different.

Catija

You know how I said that I've never done any drugs? I went through school prepared to say "no" any time they were offered... only they weren't.

Jolenealaska

1:43 AM

@apaul I've known one person who really claims an "easy" life. She is as boring as Wonder Bread

apaul

@Catija lol that's a good thing

Catija

Easy not to do drugs if you're never offered. But I chalked that up to not really having a social life.

Jolenealaska

She may be in Chickaloon still.

apaul

@Jolenealaska that's my usual thought, but I try not to tell them that ;)

Jolenealaska

Since the lodge has been closed for years, they might have moved by now. Dunno

brb

apaul

1:46 AM

But everyone has their struggles and their hard times, it's just a perspective thing.

@Catija no offense intended...

Catija

@apaul Offense? Where? I have a mom with (until the last 10 years) woefully unmanaged bipolar disorder. Bounced between parents divorced when I was 2.

apaul

@Catija thought you said "vanilla" ;)

Catija

Those are hidden problems.

apaul

One of us! One of us! lol

Catija

Ha ha ha.

apaul

1:51 AM

Sorry bad reference, but it's often good to open up. Means you can help people with similar struggles.

Catija

But I went to good schools, sometimes private, lived in good neighborhoods and had parents largely supportive of what I wanted from life.

apaul

@Catija I got kicked out of a really good private school... well... That one was sort of a mutual decision. They didn't want me there and I didn't want to be there.

Catija

I remember my mom telling me at one point that it was okay if I was gay. Which contrasted with my dad coming out to me. But I pretty much knew at that point.

@apaul Too cool for school?

apaul

@Catija my dad passed over the summer... Never had that talk with him.

@Catija I liked learning, just too rebellious. I was pissed that they made me shave off my mohawk.

Catija

@apaul :( sorry. Did it lead to you telling more of your family?

@apaul ha ha ha.

apaul

1:58 AM

@Catija sort of? Dad was a good guy, despite being a racist, sexist, homophobe... Didn't really realize that till he was gone.

Like he literally pulled people out of burning buildings, but he would say the nastiest, most hateful shit I've ever heard.

Catija

@apaul So he probably wouldn't have been open to your disclosure. I wonder how much knowing someone changes how people feel.

apaul

It does and it doesn't? Some people feel a strong urge to pull their heads out of their asses when they know someone personally, while others dig in deeper.

Catija

I know somehow there's people like Dick Cheney who won't accept it generally but accepted his daughter? I'm not sure how that works.

apaul

I remember introducing him to my little girl and her mother... The whole time I was waiting for him to say something awful, but he just cooed over the baby. After we broke up, she was "that chink girl and her kid"

Catija

Woah. That's terrible. Is that your ex wife?

apaul

2:07 AM

Kinda hard to reconcile with people when they say stuff like that, I guess it was easier after it became a one way conversation...

@Catija nah, way before that. My first fiance.

Catija

I wonder sometimes how someone can hide that hate. They know it's unacceptable but they feel it anyway and don't stop. You were probably seeing this woman for a while... if you were engaged.

Though... if you've had a wife and a fiancé by your age, you moved faster than the glacial pace my spouse did.

apaul

@Catija a good couple years ya. That was the weird part though, for him it wasn't really a hate thing most of the time, it was just the way he spoke, and his sense of humor. The best man at my parents' wedding was his black best friend from the service...

@Catija were you too together for a long time before you got hitched?

Catija

@apaul oh. I understand. My dad does that. ... privately. He doesn't have any racist tendencies that I know of but he uses some of the worst words for racial groups.

... as a joke... I guess...?

@apaul We married on the 8th anniversary of our first in-person date.

apaul

@Catija the old guy was racist as shit, but he tended to do the "you're one of the good ones" thing.

@Catija Wow?!?

Catija

Ugh. That's so weird. Most people are the other way around... assuming that if you know one, you know them all... so if one is good, they all are.

apaul

2:17 AM

Sorry... Just remember most of the women I've dated would have been really impatient long before that point.

Catija

@apaul not my fault. He didn't want to be the center of attention. He's got anxiety and even the thought of a wedding was making him antsy.

apaul

@Catija aww I was like that too

Catija

@apaul Good things come to those who wait... ?

apaul

Sometimes

Catija

He didn't realize that the bride is the center of attention. We had a Sunday afternoon wedding with snacks and petit four. No late night partying or seated dinner. Simple.

apaul

2:20 AM

The thought of being married was nice, the thought of having a wedding freaked me right out lol

@Catija That's nice. Weddings would be much better without all the trappings and traditions.

Catija

He eventually realized that kids were off the table until we were married, so... :P

apaul

@Catija lol

Catija

@apaul they're too fussy most of the time these days. I wanted to go hang out on a beach in Hawaii but my dad said no.

apaul

I have to say I miss having crumb snatchers running around. Doubt I'd do it again though.

@Catija ?

Catija

Destination wedding with only close family. ~ 10 people.

apaul

2:24 AM

His or yours?

Catija

@apaul it's hard. You give up a lot.

@apaul mine. He just got married at the courthouse. But they're going on this fantastic cruise this spring.

apaul

Oh I know, been raising kids off and on since I was 17.

@Catija psh. If it was your wedding you should have told him to hush lol

Catija

That's a big commitment for someone so young.

apaul

@Catija it was worth it.

Catija

@apaul eh, it was a beautiful wedding. I don't regret it.

apaul

2:28 AM

@Catija still miss the kids more than their moms though...

That part hella sucks.

Catija

@apaul I hope so. :)

@apaul Do you get to see them at all?

apaul

@Catija Eh... I've seen the boys recently, but being an ex-step-dad is hard.

Catija

:(. You saw them during the hurricane?

apaul

My ex-wife's boys. Haven't seen the girls in years, but I get news through the grapevine once in a while.

@Catija yup and a couple times since.

Catija

That's good. :) I know kids can sort of bury themselves into your soul and missing them is like missing parts of yourself.

apaul

2:32 AM

@Catija you're gonna make me cry like a lil bitch over here. lol

They do.

Catija

Every now and then I think about what I'd do if Bennett died. It's impossible to think about. I can't imagine what it'd be like.

apaul

@Catija Don't think about it... Not worth doing that to yourself.

Catija

Sorry. It's... something you don't really understand unless you have a kid. You clearly understand.

@apaul I think about it less now. He's less fragile seeming. More independent.

apaul

I fell apart pretty hard after Klaudia's mom moved her out of state. Crawled into a bottle for a couple years, landed in jail and had to learn to rebuild and kick some habits. Experience isn't always a good thing...

She turned 16 today and I hear she's doing great :)

Catija

@apaul That sounds awful. I'm glad you came through it. And that she's doing well.

apaul

2:38 AM

@Catija meh it's life.

I joke about it, but I'm convinced that I'm good at this, because I've been so bad at it.

Catija

It shows that you feel. So many people spend all of their time locking up their feelings behind a wall.

apaul

@Catija been there, done that, not going back to it.

Catija

I wonder how much of the mental health crisis is due to people bottling all that up.

apaul

Probably part of it, but I think the real crisis is caused by the fact that as a society we've decided not to deal with it till something awful happens.

Catija

And even then, we do very little.

apaul

2:43 AM

Like jails and prisons are our primary mental health providers in most places in this country. It's sad.

I took a friend to rehab to kick the stuff he was self medicating with, and then buried him 3 months later.

Catija

It's horrible. We should be helping people, not incarcerating them. And not just for mental health reasons. If you can't feed your family through legal means... you may resort to illegal ones.

Our safety nets are so full of holes... it's tragic and I don't see how that's going to change any time soon. At least not for four years.

Have to go be "sociable" now. :/

apaul

3:01 AM

Jfc...

@Catija Sorry for dropping off there. Ex-wife just called flipping the fuck out.

Catija

What's wrong?

apaul

4:19 AM

@Catija drama... I'll be ok

Catija

@apaul :( Ok. :(

apaul

@Catija I'll fill you in later after things settle down ;)

Catija

@apaul :D OK. I'm going to sleep. Happy Saturday :D You back at work tomorrow?

Extroverted Main Man

4:51 AM

0

Q: How to resolve a fight without violence

I currently have a conflict with a coworker (just call him MenFriend). Now he is challenging me to a fight. I am actually a violence free men where I think a fist fight is useless. I tried to convince him that it is useless but he think that I just scared with fighting him (maybe I scared, he is ...

Extroverted Main Man

6:54 AM

0

Q: Is it appropriate for me to give relationship advice to my friend's girlfriend?

I have a friend, let's call him "Bill". He has been one of my closest friends for many years. He has been dating this girl, let's call her "Natalie" for almost a year now. Natalie is also a very close friend to me, due to the fact that A) I knew her long before they were dating, B) she's very clo...

friends awkward-situations relationships

Jarko Dubbeldam

11:30 AM

-4

A: Best way to tell someone their house stinks?

I had a dog once who had a recurrent problem with his "butt glands" -- they were constantly getting impacted and infected and he REEKED no matter how much you bathed him (because the problem wasn't his skin/fur, it was seeping out of his butt). I finally just coughed up the money and had them su...

I think this is spam

Tinkeringbell

@JarkoDubbeldam true. Site doesn't have anything to do with the answer

Jarko Dubbeldam

lively chat last couple of days :/

SmokeDetector

[ SmokeDetector | MS ] Manually reported answer: Best way to tell someone their house stinks? by user9361 on interpersonal.SE (@Tinkeringbell @dhein)

Magisch

12:36 PM

good morning

I should be here more again after next wednesday

When my CoC exam is finally over

Tinkeringbell

1:09 PM

@Magisch more???

@JarkoDubbeldam Yeah, half of the regulars are celebrating Thanksgiving I suppose..

Jarko Dubbeldam

guesso

Tinkeringbell

And it's always a bit more quiet over the weekend.

Magisch

1:26 PM

@Tinkeringbell Yeah I'm not here a lot atm since I'd been working on my project report the last 3 weeks and also am currently revising for the exam

A J

How come this one with profane language stayed on the site and nobody noticed that.?

Jarko Dubbeldam

I don't think I've ever come across that question

A J

Hmm

Tinkeringbell

@AJ It is old. 1st of August. I don't think I was around/active/had privileges around that time either... But yeah, it is strange. Good that you edited it now anyway!

A J

Watching Don't Breathe. Watcha doin'?

Tinkeringbell

1:41 PM

@AJ Wrapping Sinterklaas gifts :)

A J

@JarkoDubbeldam You?

@Tinkeringbell nice

Just nuked a spam.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ Good, that one was going too slow :P

A J

I am thinking why I didn't get a ping for that.

Magisch

I hate the CoC exam already

tells us to create a table model diagram in the 3rd normalisation form and the start of the provided table to fill in that is already filled in already breaks the 3rd normalisation form

Extroverted Main Man

2:07 PM

0

Q: How to make my girlfriend healthy again and not take so much stress

My girlfriend is healthy when i havent into this relationship but its almost 20 months now and were always fighting on something small problem (ex. late on meeting on a date) and thats not all somehow she is been hurting me physically but earlier on our relationship she is sweet and the stress on...

relationships mental-health physical-health

Tinkeringbell

@ExtrovertedMainMan Off-topic/professional help?

apaul

2:44 PM

@Tinkeringbell yup

Jarko Dubbeldam

@AJ were you in the chat when it was reported?

@AJ I just went to get a haircut

A J

ok

Jarko Dubbeldam

Pretty much just enjoying a relaxed weekend

A J

good

Jarko Dubbeldam

3:41 PM

0

A: How to resolve a fight without violence

I would personally never, under any circumstances, give in to someone who challenges me for a fight or who gets violent / physically threatening. Neither insofar as accepting the challenge (unless he is a complete idiot, he will only challenge you if he knows that he will win), nor insofar as giv...

unsure how I feel about this answer suggesting violence

A J

@JarkoDubbeldam Curse and run. :P

Tinkeringbell

@JarkoDubbeldam I think Anne has a pretty good point... How's this question even IPS related?

If co-worker decides to attack him, what IPS is going to help?

Does the OP want to be proactive and have another talk or something before that co-worker snaps? I'm not seeing that in the question..

Hadn't seen that one before (posted while I was asleep and I haven't really paid attention, but I've cast a first close-vote

Jarko Dubbeldam

I made a small edit, I hope that's sufficient to steer the question to IPS

Tinkeringbell

@JarkoDubbeldam Meh.... can you edit the title then as well?

I'm still not very enthusiastic about the question, but it's better.

Jarko Dubbeldam

changed resolve into prevent

Mithrandir24601

3:55 PM

@JarkoDubbeldam The question is asking for a solution without violence. That answer is saying at its core 'use violence', therefore NAA :P

NVZ

hello.. so today i inspired somebody to make a new userscript.. it's nice. do try if you are familiar with tampermonkey and userscripts and stuff

1

Q: Reading time for each post

Some Question and Answers can get lengthy and you only know when you're going to spend too much time once you're half way. This userscript will add the approximate reading time at the top of each post. For the curious readers, here it is in all it's glory: // ==UserScript== // @name ...

script posts

Mithrandir24601

(unless it explains why violence is the only possible solution, which it's not...)

NVZ

it shows approx read times for long posts.

as in, "3 min read" etc.

Tinkeringbell

@JarkoDubbeldam Meh, I think the talking should be in there as well?

Jarko Dubbeldam

how to prevent talking a fight?

Tinkeringbell

3:57 PM

@JarkoDubbeldam How to talk with my coworker to prevent a fight?

NVZ

@JarkoDubbeldam ahimsa, my friend. ahimsa.

Tinkeringbell

Now, the title is 'how to prevent a fight without violence'.... which is funny, becuase fights are mostly violent :P

NVZ

@Tinkeringbell not every fight is violent at the start..DJT calling KJU "little man" and KJU calling DJT "short and fat" are fights, but not yet violent. Once it's violent, there will not remain any IPS or SE or even humans.

LOL

@ExtrovertedMainMan "Make My GF Healthy Again"

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Tinkeringbell preventing isnt

Tinkeringbell

After reading this https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/q/2167/1599 yesterday.... I'm thinking... this IS the general chatroom for IPS.SE. We should basically use it for less structured, casual (but still roughly on-topic) conversation according to meta.stackexchange https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/271267/a-guide-to-moderating-chat

Do you think we've been having too much useless chatter in here, and should we ban that?

Because right now there are people thinking it would be a good idea to post a non-IPS answer here, and permalink that underneath an answer (which is, IMO, …

@JarkoDubbeldam Right ;) But it's pretty ambiguous. I'll take a jab at it ;)

Jarko Dubbeldam

4:04 PM

> Because right now there are people thinking it would be a good idea to post a non-IPS answer here, and permalink that underneath an answer (which is, IMO, a circuitous way of posting answers in comments which is not okay on SE)

eew no

NVZ

@Tinkeringbell you mean something like shog's rules posted in chat? I wonder why that wasn't posted in the site itself.

Tinkeringbell

(It's basically what I saw Shog doing this week.... Make the title match the question in the body. It's good I think)

@NVZ I'm talking this answer: interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/a/2172/1599

Basically, we remove answers suggesting non-IPS solutions

we remove comments suggesting non-IPS solutions

we remove questions asking for non-IPS solutions

Jarko Dubbeldam

chat should be related to the website, but we shouldn't confuse chat with answers

Tinkeringbell

Well, than that meta and the answers there could use some voting, to show some consensus :)

(Or write one yourself if you don't agree with what's there)

If I'm not seeing much voting, I might post a meta to suggest tightening the rules in here...

NVZ

@Tinkeringbell i consider chat as a casual talk-place for friends, while the main site as a formal business conference meeting sort of. so i don't see the need to be soo strict about topicality for chat. i have been giving out the so-called non-ips solutions here for a long time, and they're mostly intended to be humorous, casual solutions.. whoever takes it seriously, it's their problem.

Tinkeringbell

4:10 PM

Well, if you're talking about a 'funny' reply to main man, that's very different than actually writing answers in here and linking a comment underneath a question.

But if one behavior will lead to the other, I do think we need to tighten up.

NVZ

i fear that some day some of us may be getting too attached to the site and the "rules" to a point of "unhealthy obsession". and it won't be an interesting place for ppl like me to hangout anymore.

Tinkeringbell

Hey, I'm all for keeping chat an interesting place to hang out.... If it's me, we're discussing serious business here and if there's no business to discuss we practice our IPS by doing smalltalk....

It's just that I know this chatroom is supposed to be 'general discussion for', and meta says that this means it's supposed to be for less structured, casual (but still roughly on-topic) conversation....

Things that are off-topic on main, how can they then be on-topic in chat? That will confuse people, and won't benefit the site...

NVZ

@Tinkeringbell think of main site as a more "expert Q&A" place and the chat as a place where friends talk about this and that, which may or may not involve IPS. If the chat leads to an important Q, then it's worth asking on the main site for the usual vetting and voting to take place. Else, we just continue here our yada yada. it's fun that way, for me.

at least, that's my experience on other chat rooms on SE.

apaul

@Tinkeringbell We've had a lot of conversations around here that would be strictly off topic for main ;)

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Yes, that's why I'm wondering if we should continue doing so when it leads other users to believe chat would be good way to post non-ips answers..

A J

4:21 PM

Can we get a note in the sidebar about professional help just like Health SE?

apaul

@NVZ That sounds familiar... Where have I heard someone say something like that before... Hmmm...

@Tinkeringbell if they wanna talk about stuff in chat, it's just chat. If they want to litter main with links to chat, that's something that needs to be addressed.

Tinkeringbell

@AJ I think that was already asked on meta and the answer was 'not really necessary'.

A J

Might've missed it somehow.

NVZ

-2

Q: Do we need a disclaimer page?

Health Stack Exchange has a disclaimer page at https://health.stackexchange.com/help/disclaimer And so does some other stacks like Law. A banner to the right on the questions page reads: Health Stack Exchange is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for individ...

discussion

answered by the one and only RC himself. :)

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Well, people are seriously considering it interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/q/2167/1599 and interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/a/2172/1599

NVZ

4:25 PM

asked by yours truly. ;)

@Tinkeringbell that's bad. i was more referring to how we have here our usual yada yada which does not necessarily have to be IPSy. But if in case non-chatters start using chat as a place to ask and answer non-ips things, and do not become a part of our yada squad, then that's bad. real bad.

i wont like it.

but i would like to have new chatters here.

Tinkeringbell

@NVZ They will come ;)

Don't worry :)

NVZ

and a casual chat here would include me asking "my buddy here isnt lending me his umbrella" and tinkeringbell could tell me to "go get your own" and i'd love that answer, because it's supposed to be in that spirit. hehe

apaul

@Tinkeringbell doesn't seem to be all that seriously considered... The top answer pretty much says "don't"

NVZ

but if random new users start asking those things here, and only for that, then its bad.

@apaul really? was it me? :)

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Yeah... but still, there wasn't much voting there and I think it could deserve a bit more attention, consensus if you like....

apaul

4:34 PM

@Tinkeringbell Sometimes things aren't a big deal until someone starts doing it. Till that happens and people flip out over it, it'll probably just die in meta.

So... How's the rain? @Tinkeringbell

Tinkeringbell

@apaul Not here yet, just a few drops.... Which was good for me, because now I got a chance to finish Sinterklaas shopping :)

Jarko Dubbeldam

hmm, it was pouring here earlier

Tinkeringbell

@JarkoDubbeldam I must admit I haven't looked out the window in a while. I was busy being craftsy, making my sinterklaas surprise

NVZ

aaaaaaa wanna know, have you everrrr seeen the rain?

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Have You Ever Seen The Rain (Lyric Video)

►

dont die without listening to it. you'll regret dying. :P

apaul

homer sings ccr

►

Ya... I think in bad quotes sometimes.

Extroverted Main Man

5:21 PM

0

Q: Charity collaborator making a big fuss about another

I work for a charitable organisation in the educational sector. I have very little budget, so I rely heavily on volunteers. One such volunteer is a real star, doing very real help and making a difference to people's lives. She also has a somewhat abrasive character, and promotes her commercial wo...

conflict-aversion awkward-situations conflicts volunteering

Tinkeringbell

6:36 PM

@ExtrovertedMainMan pffft.... what to do, what to do...

Tinkeringbell

6:46 PM

I decided it's unclear

Transcript for